Hi Steve,
I enjoyed the depth to this. Although it has a meloncholy feel to it, I didn't find it sad, as much as thought provoking. What I liked was that the narrator is 'showing' aloneness, yet not loneliness. The contemplation of the narrator and his place in the world really sets my mind thinking and connecting the although temporary footsteps we leave while walking in a peaceful place where a state of free will and harmony walks with us, or the havoc and hustle and confined world of chaos.
I began to think of how these comparesons can represent so many aspects of our lives... (linking the walk or path and that which we walk upon to choices we make) our choice of career, even in the poetry we choose to write... I found this opened my mind to many things. To me it offered great metaphorical images for me to comtemplate my own life.
Some thoughts to follow... Thanks for the read!
Best Regards, Liz
QUOTE
White sandy beaches,
waves were rolling,
a short time ago over the shoals.
Washed away my solitary foot prints from the shores,
as gulls and terns fight over a scrap of jetsam.
L2, waves roll (perhaps, which gives it a more active feel)
I wonder if you really need to specify 'a short time ago' in L3.
L4, I would suggest end stopping at solitary to allow the reader a moments pause to reflect on the image of single set of prints, and how the contrast of 'how lonely' it might be while the rest of the world is hustling with thousands of foot'steps' yet, making no prints ... and how the ocean's tide wipes it clean from the shore, as though each new walk is fresh...and on the other side of a coin... how what we have done is quickly washed away leaving no trace of our ever being there...
Good ending Line for S1.
What part of life would I be if not a loner,
could you see me washing the streets with rain?
Not I, just as I could not picture the restrictions
of traffic lights on my foot-worn paths.
Would you consider another alternatives in L1;
Perhaps
What role in life would I play if not a loner,
or
what part of life would I choose if not a loner,
L2, confused me a bit. I am not sure what it refers to, is it metaphorical.... or perhaps...
could you see my tears washing the streets like rain?
I am not sure if that is your intention, I will wait to hear further.
L4 Is excellent. Great ending that leaves the poem complete, but the reader full with their own provocative thoughts.
Good work, Steve...