You left me for manicured streets,
the precision clip of lawns
that end in floral arrangements,
haute coutre plantings
in Stepford beds,

left my woods
and the natural lay of a land
where tall pines whisper
and bats hang from the branches
that offer a thick mat of needles
to the goddess who grants birth
in the cycle of maiden, mother
and crone.

You left me for houses
where tamed women crumble
behind chemical peels
and hide the clawing
of their wolf;

and yet I know
that I left you long before
because the wildness of the moon
could not be withdrawn
from my breast.

~Rene~ Schwiesow

Just some small nits for you to use or lose.
Steve

Good Morning Ren,

i read this twice and was wondering, what is 'gants' (in S2/L6)? i can't find the word in my dictionary or on-line. Is the word a typo for 'grants'?

Thanks,
~tim

oops. ..typo. . .*blushes*. . .I read this through twice after posting. . .and still missed it.

grants -- is the word.

Thanks, Tim

~Ren~

Hey Steve ~ Thanks for stopping, reading. . .and sharing your nits regarding this piece. . .appreciate your time!

~Ren~

Hi Ren,

"In the Releasing of our Hands" as in letting go of the past, a relationship, memories?

You left me for manicured streets,
the precision clip of lawns
that end in floral arrangements, 'that box in floral arrangements'? Maybe... *smiles*
haute coutre plantings
in Stepford beds, Good two lines!

left my woods
and the natural lay of a land
where tall pines whisper
and bats hang from the branches[,]
that offer a thick mat of needles
to the goddess who grants birth
in the cycle of maiden, mother
and crone. Lovely imagery!

You left me for houses
where tamed women crumble
behind chemical peels
and hide the clawing
of their wolf; This seems a bit sad... as though they've surrendered a part of themselves. I got a sense of being trapped or something. That's why I thought of 'box in' for line 3.

and yet I know
that I left you long before
because the wildness of the moon
could not be withdrawn
from my breast. My favorite verse! It sounds so deep and earthy! *smiles*

I enjoyed the read Ren... Thanks for sharing!

Cathy

Ren, I thought the mood and telling of this was affirmative and not angry, this sort of poem is hard to do without letting anger shade the cloth, so to speak.

I must admit I felt S1 was stereotyping. However I could see the distinction you were making was more archetypical, and it seemed the poem's subject was not just an old lover but the kind of thinking that results in 'The Stepford Wives'. I think Cathy's suggestion of 'box-in' is inspired. I would change the wording of L1 to enhance the 'what-a-bad-move' message.
(delete) [add]

(f)[F]or manicured streets(,)(Y)[y]ou left me[,]
(the) (for) precision clip of lawns [,]
(that end) [boxed] in floral arrangements,
haute coutre plantings
in Stepford beds(,) [.]

[You] left my woods
and the natural lay of a land
where tall pines whisper
and bats hang from the branches
that offer a thick mat of needles
to the goddess who grants birth
in the cycle of maiden, mother
and crone.

You left me for houses
where tamed women crumble
behind chemical peels
and hide the clawing
of their wolf;

and yet I know
that I left you long before
because the wildness of the moon
could not be withdrawn
from my breast.

no nits about the rest except to say that perhaps the narrator left long before more because that wildness was not evident in her 'wolf'. Cheers Gregory

Hello Ren,



So, i love S2-4 and the poem's overall contrast/comparison between these tightly woven stanzas, but i flinch with S1. You've described this well and there is the inference of money vs. life added to the city vs. rural dichotomy among the comparisons of S1 and S3, among purposes that stanza performs. For me, this poem is close, i need to ponder S1 longer and see where it settles in my gut. i haven't been around much lately...everything has been a little crazier in tim's personal. Hope the start of school went well?

~tim

For now, I'll just say I enjoy the reading, as always. I'll be back after the experts toy with this some more and then share my further thoughts after I try to wrap my mind better around it.

deLightin' in your writin', Daniel

Hi Rene.

I WILL be back to comment personally on this poem soon. In the meantime, I hope you don't mind my 'butting in' that Daniel's reply just prompted me to do.

Daniel - we are all 'learning' at various levels of critiquing our member's works, and I'm certain some consider you an 'expert'. Why wait on offering your commentary to Rene? PLEASE DO set an example and post a crit as soon as you've read the piece while it is still fresh in your mind (since you took the time to post a reply).

Thank you!
Lori

I certainly will, Lori... but I often need others' help to grasp Rene's depth. Sometimes I'm right on her wavelength. This is not one of those times... so, trust me, I'll comment. My visit was a courtesy for the moment. I am certainly trying to learn how to crit FV better, but first, for me I have to have a grasp of the piece. Okay?

I always appreciate the reminder, of course, so this is certainly not a rejoinder. I'm right with ya, my Queen!

deLightin' in the opportunity, Daniel