The Appointment*** - Revision III

He got the results today.

And like a shattered china cup,
he picked up the pieces of his life
before cycling away.

The bike chain clicked
like a concert of crickets
as he raced through his history.
There was the first bike
with the Flintstone brakes
Sis found in the alley
and the day that Czar died.

Rounding a corner, he picked
up speed and rushed toward
the safe harbor of home,
to his wife and to his kids,
to the great unknown.


The Appointment*** - Revision II

He got the results today.

And like a shattered china cup,
he picked up the pieces of his life
before cycling away.

The bike chain clicked
like a concert of crickets
as he raced through his history.
There was the first bike
with the Flintstone brakes
Sis found in the alley
and the day Czar died.

Rounding a corner, he picked
up speed and rushed toward
the safe harbor of home,
to his kids and to his gods,
to the vast unknown.


The Appointment*** - Revision I

He got the results today.

And like a shattered china cup,
he picked up the pieces of his life
before cycling away.

The bike chain clicked
like a concert of crickets
as he raced through his history.
There was the first bike
with the Flintstone brakes
Sis found in the alley
and the day Czar died.

Rounding a corner, he picked
up speed and rushed toward
the safe harbor of home,
to his kids and to his god,
to the dark unknown.

The Doctor Visit - Original

He got the results today.
It was back. All that work
to keep fit, eat right,
stay sunny as orange juice
and the pills he had to swallow
- for what!

The doctor talked
about what went wrong
and what came next
like a bored storyteller
too familiar with the end.

When she finished talking
he left.

As he cycled home, he felt the warm air
muzzle his face like his beloved retriever
of his childhood.

The sunset light, descending from the tree tops,
was kind to his eyes.

He found pleasure taking on the sharp corners
and steep paths. The bike chain clicked like a concert
of crickets and his body answered his heart’s deep need
for speed and control.

Going to the doctor, he had rode his bike slowly
scared he’d lose his grip, tip over and fall.

Riding home, in the approaching darkness,
he found he wasn’t as afraid anymore.



Luce

This is the beginning of a great story. Not poetry however.

Has a pleasing theme. Faith in what the doctor prescribed. I enjoyed it.

I really like this one Luce. It could perhaps be tightened up a bit - some thoughts below.

The Doctor Visit

Perhaps just 'The Visit' - not giving too much away as it will soon be realised.

He got the results today.
[It was back.] All that work
to keep fit, eat right,
stay sunny as orange juice
and the pills he had to swallow
- for what!

It was back is unnecessary - it's all been said in L1

The doctor talked
about what went wrong
and what came next
like a bored storyteller
too familiar with the end.

[When she finished talking
he left.]

'Then he left' would be more concise.

As he cycled home, he felt the warm air
muzzle his face like his beloved retriever
of his childhood.

Too many 'he' and 'his'
Perhaps
He cycled home, felt warm air
muzzle his face, like his beloved
retriever of childhood

The sunset light, descending from the tree tops,
was kind to his eyes.

I don't feel this stanza adds anything to the poem

He found pleasure taking on the sharp corners
and steep paths. The bike chain clicked like a concert
of crickets and his body answered his heart’s deep need
for speed and control.

'He found pleasure' is perhaps a bit telly.
like the comparison of the bike chain to crickets singing

Going to the doctor, he had rode his bike slowly
scared he’d lose his grip, tip over and fall.

Riding home, in the approaching darkness,
he found he wasn’t as afraid anymore.

I like the difference here, as though it was a relief to hear the news and falling over didn't matter any more.

I agree this does read more like prose but it has a strong message. If you trimmed back unnecessary bits and show rather than tell, it will be a very strong poem.

Take or toss! Just my opinion.

Eira

Thanks Krista, Anthony & Eira for dropping by and providing feedback:

Krista - I must admit it does sound pretty prosey. Let's see what I can do to make it more like poetry instead of a micro short story.

Anthony - I'm glad you liked it. Yes, doctors do offer faith besides a heavy dose of truth (based on their and the patient's interpretation of results).

Eira - Yes, I think it needs a whole lot of tightening and a little less telling. Thanks for the suggestions.

Oddly enough, a few days after I posted the poem, I started to realize how prosey it sound. I was tempted to revise it because I didn't see any crits on it, but that would be cheating.

Okay, working on a revision, which may take a little longer then usual.

Luce

Hi Luce,

I like the revision, which is now a poem.

The Appointment

Better title - doesn't give it all away

He got the results today.

And like a shattered china cup,
he picked up the pieces of his life
before cycling away.

Nice!

The bike chain clicked
like a concert of crickets
as he raced through his history.
There was the first bike
with the Flintstone brakes
Sis found in the alley
and the day Czar died.

I like the way his life history is unfolding here

Rounding a corner, he picked
up speed and rushed toward
the safe harbor of home,
to his kids and [to his god],
to the dark unknown.

I think 'to his god' is unnecessary as 'the dark unknown' kind of implies that.

I do sort of miss the difference between the journey to and from the doctors (riding carefully - then not caring on the return journey) but perhaps that wouldn't fit the revision.

I'll read this a few more times to 'compare' the 2 versions. Altogether much more poetic!


Eira

Eira - Glad it sounds more like a poem. In doing the revision it became clear as to what I really wanted to say. Sometimes it doesn't happen in 1 shot, or 2 or 3 or 4, etc.

I did change some wording though, which lead to Revision 2. I decided to put "gods" as oppose to "god". We all have different gods that we may look to toward guiding our lives even if God to you just means "Good Orderly Direction". I also changed "dark" to "vast" unknown. The "dark" unknown is heavily associated with death, the afterlife and not very uplifting. The "vast" unknown can simply mean the future.


Luce

Luce - Love the detail and images in this story of someone recovering from a bad report at he doctor's office.

rushed toward
the safe harbor of home,
to his kids and [to his god],
to the dark unknown.

I like this a lot, but don't see the need for "to his God," the juxtaposition of kids and unknown is very evocative and doesn't ned anything else. RC

Thanks Richard, I'm glad you like it.

Well, I've got two suggestions to omit God (gods) so far (yours and Eira). So be it. Presto chang-o PUFF!!!, it's gone.

Luce