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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse  |
 Jan 30 11, 07:00
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#1
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 Egyptian  Posts: 388 Joined: 26-October 03 From: Southeast USA Member No.: 37 Real Name: Jan Writer of: Poetry  |
I watch footprints
dissipate in quiet low tide ripples. Sporadic sparklings speckled in sea foam bedazzle memories. My face, leashed to the heavens, leans on beams of brighter light. Loving-you images spread north, south, east, west painting a portrait across a most captivating evening sky. ·······  ······· |
  
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Feb 3 11, 16:21
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#2
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Orion - it's good to see you here again.
This is a well written piece. I'll offer you a few suggestions/alternative ways of writing stanzas, but if they do not suit your intent - just ignore. I watch footprints dissipate in quiet low tide ripples. Sporadic sparklings speckled in sea foam bedazzle memories. I like alliteration in poetry, but wonder if you have one too many 's' sounds in this stanza. My face, leashed to the heavens, leans on beams of brighter light. Loving-you images spread north, south, east, west painting a portrait across a most captivating evening sky. For me, I find the lines of these last 3 stanzas don't flow so well and the short lines at the end disrupts the flow. Perhaps something like: Loving-you -- images spread from north to south, east to west. painting a portrait across a captivating evening sky.  Thanks for posting this - I enjoyed the read. I hope my thoughts may be in some way useful, but its your poem to change what you feel necessary.Snow ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
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Feb 4 11, 04:02
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#3
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry |
G'day, mate I watch footprints dissipate in quiet low tide ripples. Sporadic sparkling speckled in sea foam-- bedazzled memories. My face, leashed to the heavens, leans on beams of brighter light. Loving-you images spread north, south, east, west painting a portrait across a most captivating evening sky. I hope you don't mind, mate. I thought, the lines were too fragmented. I made a few minor ajustments. GIVE or take, John ······· ·······Arnfinn
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner   |
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Feb 10 11, 00:03
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#4
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 9,014 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Jan! Great to read this post. I find the imagery striking and the idea lurking in the words is intriguing. Perhaps a poetical painting of a past love? It's powerfully expressed. As this forum appears to be for "critique & exhibition" (I just noticed that detail), perhaps it would be helpful if we all specified what we want, maybe in the title entry. I should be suggesting this to Lori, sorry there! Take or toss, I'm at a bit at a loss....  Lovely poem & thanks for sharing, Psyche 
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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner     |
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