Well it's Springtime in UK so I thought I'd take a look at this one again - written last year.
I'm not sure that 'glide' is the right word for the samba - any suggestions?


Springtime Samba

As creatures stir in spring’s advance
familiar rhythms bid us dance --
cavorting with the skylark’s trilling;
nascent daffodils enhance
the grassy stage where lambkins prance.
Now winter’s pillowed, sunshine’s spilling,
pulse to samba’s lively beat …
fan fires of passion; render heat!

Huitain -aabaabcc


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lines before recent tweaking's were

1st line was

As creatures stir with spring’s advance

L3 was

cavorting while the skylark’s trilling;

last line

ignite those passions; render heat!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
original last lines were --
glide to samba’s lively beat …
igniting passions with the heat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Eisa,
I like the lively lilt, perfectly in keeping with the lightness of the samba.
"Shake" for "glide"? It might not be as accurate but it does supply some alliteration.
Cheers, Ron jgd

Hi Snow,

I loved this one last year, glad to see you reposting for fresh commentary!

I have two suggestions below for your ending. I think Sway would work in place of glide and would add alliteration too and then I made an alternate for the last line below.

As always, take or toss. I'm so glad spring is here, although its been raining all week. I even have the Spring fling skin in use. LOL!

Cheers
~Cleo

glide to samba’s lively beat …
igniting passions with the heat.

sway to samba’s lively beat …
ignite those passions; render heat!

Hi Ron

Thanks for the suggestion - shake might well be a good alternative.

Snow

Yes!! - I love your suggestions Lori. Thanks!
We've had a lot of rain too, but this afternoon has been sunny ... but cold! I long for warmth!

Snow

Hi Snow!

A lot of us seem to be re-posting oldies! I am too! Could be a sign of the worrisome times, who knows? Muses are flighty creatures...

Love your Springtime Samba! So full of gaiety, optimism and colour...wow! The form is perfect, I'm sure, but I'm no expert there.


Now winter’s pillowed, sunshine’s spilling,

I'm fascinated by 'winter's pillowed'. Brilliant!

I believe you've forgotten to put an end-stop, or exclamation mark as Lori suggested. Sorry for being a stickler...LOL...

Thanks for cheering me up. We're in Autumn over here. And for the last week, Buenos Aires has been covered with smog, due to some idiots setting fire to pastures and bushes on several of our beautiful delta islands.

Thanks for sharing,
hugs, Syl***

Hi Syl

Hope your smog has cleared - the weather is not very spring like here (even though its spring) it's cold and damp!

Thanks for the reminder about punctuation at the end - I've just sorted it!

hugs Snow

Hi Snow!

! I'm thrilled that you liked my suggestions for the ending and have incorporated them for now. This is such a fun poem - I'm glad to have read it again and I'll be back again for more!

Enjoyed this one!
~Cleo

Hi Snow
Lovely cheerful poem for spring and it is coming on well with the revisions so far.

May I offer a comment wit the lines ending "Trilling/spilling". These words have falling metre and add an extra unstressed syllable to the end of the line. In this case for me it is out of sync with the rest of the poem and it would be better to use words without the "ing" if possible; "trill / spill" Just a thought.

I enjoyed it even though we are still in deep summer that will last another 3 months and hibernating is the last thing on my mind.

Hugs, Wally

Hi Snow,

I thought I posted already to this - and I just checked replies and realized I hadn't; so right now, I will discard my original thoughts I've jotted down on paper and will focus on the revised draft. I love the imagery and the sounds that compliment the title. The words lead the reader into a dance to mimic a "Springtime Samba" ...





The rhythm is smooth and lulling - the only little nit I found in the revision was L3. "trilling' is an active word and I keep wanting to say 'with the skylark's trilling - Maybe a slight change in L1, to 'As creatures stir in spring's advance - with would work in L3. Of course it is a small and not so important nibble, and the way that it is now, does not in anyway lessen the strength and beauty of the poem. I do have to say - this was the poem that made me fall in love with the "Huitian" form.


Big hugs and apologies for my lateness to the thread...

Love ya, Liz

Hi Wally

Thanks for reading this and commenting. We are in winter in UK and I can't wait for the spring!!!!!

I can see where you are coming from with 'trilling/spilling', but I did compensate for the unstressed syllables at the end of those lines, by starting the following lines with a stressed syllable, which I've read is acceptable.
I think if you didn't have to read the poem & see the way the syllables fall, but just heard the poem being read, it would read as smooth iambic meter.

How lovely to be in Summer, it is very cold here and I really envy you.

Snow

Hi Liz

I do have the original of this posted in the archives and I'm sure you did comment on that one.

I love your suggestions Liz -- isn't it funny how changing one or two words can sometimes make a big difference to the meaning.

I'm off to tweak this now!!!!

Hugs
Snow

I have to say I love this form too

Hi Eisa,

A very lively scene of frolicking on Natures stage. Too bad I no longer have the energy or youth to join in that Samba.

I know your last lines have been revised once. My only comment about the last line is, when couples are dancing the Samba, there should be no need for igniting passions. The passion should already be smoldering if that particular dance is to be done properly. May I suggest: “fan fires of passion with our heat!”

I hope I’m not too judgmental with my nit. If so, toss it.

Larry

Hey Larry - I agree with what you have said & like your suggestion very much.

You are certainly not too judgemental, I like to hear what other people think so don't hesitate to suggest anything. I might not always accept a suggestion but I'm always happy that it has been made - keeps me thinking!

I'm going to tweak that line now.

Thanks again
Snow

Why Eisa this was just lovely - sway seems more suitable to me than glide
I'm so glad to have had the opportunity to read this.
I am also always returning to poems written in the past and
trying to improve them - I think our poetry is like our children
and we never stop caring for them or trying to better them.

Eria, Isn't a Samba like a Cha-Cha? more of an upbeat tempo... 'sway' is better than glide, but how about pulse makes that line punch up more...Today here in Dayton, weather is very very warm, sun is shining feels more like summer, heard my first ice cream man of the season the other day.

Steve

Hi Steve - sorry I'mm a bit late getting back to this. Yes, I used sway but wasn't wholeheartedly happy with it. Pulse might fit well there - I'll go try it now. Thanks!!!!!!!

We have had some warm spells, but now it wet and looks like staying that way for the weekend!! Mmmm.... I'd love an ice cream right now! LOL!!!!

Snow

Hi Mike - its good to have you comment on my poem. Thank you!

I am revising a lot of my work now - I think I see things differently from when I first wrote them. Yes - I have afriend who calls them her 'babies'.

Snow