Keith,

I’m afraid this didn’t make it for me. On the positive side, it is technically correct, the meter is right (besides S3L4 which has a missing foot) and the rhymes appear solid; quite a few rely on the promotion of a weak syllable though, and only work if the poem is read in a sing-songy manner, which I hope is not what you’re aiming for. I find the octometer lines a bit too long, and would try to trim it down to fourteeners (seven iambic feet.) Adding to the sing-songy feel is the lack of enjambment, as if each line were written to hit the rhyme and end the phrase. There's also the lack of within-the-lines caesura in the first stanza.

My second nit is prolixity. There are two many words here that add nothing to your poem, like “that seemed to be” and “though we could.” The pace is rather too sluggish, and needs to be enlivened. Reduced to one or two stanzas, the piece would perhaps be more powerful.

My third nit is the lack of a strong, vivid imagery that remains impressed in my mind, making the poem “memorable.” Perhaps it’s there embedded in the lines, drowned in that multitude of words.

I hope this helps. I’ll be back to follow up on this if you revise.

Mark

Hello Keith - this poem has a hypnotic quality - possibly stemming from the steady two-beat rhythm.
You have held steadily to the 16 syllable/8beat throughout the first stanza, and most of the second, with the one exception of Stanza 2/ line3 - where the verse acquires an extra syllable:

17 sylls "[Though] reflections don't tell every tale, and promises can sometimes fade." I believe that you could loose 'Though' to bring the syllable count into line, without loosing the beat.

Stanza 3 became more uneven in both beat and syllable count - and perhaps you could take another look to even things up a little.

Sylls
15 Through my moments, through my dreams we strolled together hand in hand [8] beats
16 For love is always confident, though we could never understand [8]
14 Why reasons grow like storm clouds, or why sorrows lie in shade [7 ]
14 Whenever dreams are distant, or whenever wishes fade, [7]
15 Yet they say life is for learning, so we'll carry on our way [7]
15 Bringing thought to every reason, bringing love to every day, [8]
15 And I'm sure we'll see a future learning lessons from the past [8]
15 Bringing dreams cast in reality, where they will always last… [7]


This has the basis of a good poem of, 'hope for the future and remembrance of the past' It would, however, benefit from a little pruning.
Leo

DEar Keith,
I'll admit I'm not as harsh a judge of poetry as others who've been heavily schooled in modern technique.
I look for and hopefully hear beauty in the flow and if the message adds nicely to the final effact, I'm ready to applaud.
I do read sing-song. If I didn't, I'd not even have this computer. I've not been exposed to modern teachings that in my mind have made modern poetry more an exercize in pleasing English professors who make poetry now a mental test of conformance to a long list of no-nos.
In summary, every piece can be improved, but most in my opinion are just right for me minus any typos.
Nicely done!!!
Cheers, Ron jgdittier

As Ron posted
I am also not as critical -
What I like most about poetry is the flow of the poem,
the message and the lyric quality of it all.
Even though your meter altered, the flow did not seem
'broken' to me.
From what I've read of your work - you write often
on this theme and your style has a hypnotic
dream-like quality which is welcomed here.

Hi Keith!

To my mind, this is a beautifully written inspirational poem. Perhaps, as others say, it's rather a mouthful to chew on, but you've really got some beautiful flow here, wonderful rhyme & rhythm, and lots of romantic vocabulary.

I'll have to return, since I'm worn out now, but I do appreciate the essence of this piece; it contains great lyrical quality that pulls at one's heart strings.

Thanks for sharing, and bring on more!
Syl***

Dear Keith,
Poetry such as yours forces me to reread and re-enjoy.
At 76, I may have the appreciation of poetry similar to mine of 70 years ago. Some do say that R&M is intended for youth. If so, the masters of the past were wasting their time. I believe many of the most popular in their day did write deliberately sing-song. No one has ever explained to me how certain passages, especially by Service, Poe, Tennyson, Longfellow, Coleridge,
bored their readers with the near music they deposited in their
writings.
At age 6, I recognized the lilt in the simplest of dittys. At 76, I
have found jewels in the sing-song writings of the masters.
Some might agree with me if I'd defer from the term "sing-song", but I believe that time is on its side. The pendulum will swing and the advocates of the modern no-nos re R&M may have to appeal to our senses rather than defend modern practices just as etiquette practices are defended, that is, without substance.
Your style of writing has its advocates. I suspect we're loyal, so keep writing.
Cheers, Ron jgdittier