I HAVE

Thanks to Snow for help.
Revised
I have the substance of everything hoped for
and anticipation of unseen things.
I have the knowledge of my own being
with positive love of other's care.
I see beyond the next sunrise
and have journeyed with past treasures,
held gently in the hands of God.


Original
I have the substance of all things hoped for.
I have the anticipation of things unseen.
I have the knowledge of my own being.
I have the positive love of others caring.
I can see beyond the next sunrise.
I have journeyed with the treasure of the past.
I am held gently in the hands of God.

Hi Steve - beautiful thoughts here.

Although I can see why you have written each line beginning with I have or similar, I find it constricts the flow a little - perhaps just me.

Here are a few suggestions for change - take or toss.


I have the substance of everything hoped for
and anticipation of unseen things.
I have the knowledge of my own being
with positive love of others care[ing].
I [can] see beyond the next sunrise
and have journeyed with past treasures[of the past]
[I am] held gently in the hands of God.

I hope something helps
Snow

I what you have written, but like Eisa, I find that starting every line with "I" dampens the interest of the lines.

What if you set the flow differently?
Stir the things together and change it to universal rather then personal?

The substance of all things hoped
stirred into the anticipation of things unseen.

Something like that and ended the piece with:

I have
or
One has..
or...

So that the possessive part be it 'I' or 'we' (in some form) is the last line or second to last line and a surprise rather then..repeated on each line?

I hope i'm not too bold with my suggestions, I do so like what you've written.

thank you

Sigh

I'm coming back here, Steve. I read this spiritual poem and wanted to comment, but I was called away. It's lovely!! I agree with the others about changing some of those repetitions, but the content is profound & philosophical. You think deep, Steve...mmmm....

Thanks for sharing,
Syl ***

Steve I think Eisa has offered some really good suggestions. I like this poem.

Snow,Sigh,Sylvia, and Sergio..thanks for reading and for the comments, I can see where the begining of each line with 'I' could be a block in the flow, but I really wanted this to sound personal as in all these things belong to me, I found the first line in a sentence in a book I was reading and it just struck my mind as being a very good begining line for a personal poem. I hope that this makes understanding it easier and I will go with Snow's very good suggestion for the revision.
Steve

Hi Steve!
Looks very good, Eisa's suggestions and your spirituality have combined to create a lovely poem.
I've returned late, so I'll only suggest a couple of tweaks:


Revised

I HAVE

I have the substance of everything hoped for
and anticipation of unseen things.
I have the knowledge of my own being
with positive love of others care. Should be[others'] care (possessive).
I see beyond the next sunrise
and have journeyed with past treasures Comma at the end of this line.
held gently in the hands of God.

Lovely, Steve!
Thanks for sharing, Syl ***

Sylvia, I know I answered this once before for some reason it didn't take, thanks for the tweaks, I have already taken care of them. Must have been having a bad day with apostrophes...LOL.
Steve

Steve,

I've enjoyed spending time in your spiritual thoughts. You have a very nice poem shaping up.
I agree with redirecting some of the repetitions. Nice revision...and this poem is looking & feeling fine. :)

Jan

Jan, Thanks for reading and the reply, I feel pretty good about the revision, not sure it needs more work.
Steve