When I watch how you notice me,
how you look at my hair or in my eyes,
or how you glance my way to note
details of what I'm wearing,
I see that you even observe
my jewelry - necklace,
earrings, our diamond.
I know your look is mine.

When you move your fingers
through my long strands, I watch
how you watch me - how you
steer me to a state of relaxation.
Love, your look is mine.

When you move
your newspaper
to stop your reading
to view me as I walk by -
you're magnetized
from across the room.
Baby, your look is mine.

When you stare at me
as you did on our wedding day
with rivers of mounting desires like
no one else in the world matters -
Honey, your look is mine.

When you're watching ESPN
and your favorite game is on
I can forget it -

you'll look at me later!

In that first stanza I would give the actual details about what is being worn. Say, a polka-dotted blouse, or a three-quarter inch sleeved parka, or something other than leaving it abstract. Have you considered not centering this? Also, not sure you need to bold the ESPN, it draws a lot of attention to that and I think the poem is clear as to what the whole point is. I can relate. (to the ESPN, and in my case, soccer!)

Kay,

Thank you for some helpful tips to improve this. I appreciate your ideas. Still thinking about the details for the clothing in Stanza 1.

Jan

I am not sure about "ESPN" it does not sound poetic. This poem is kind of telly, it needs some work.

saore,

For those familiar with this theme, ESPN fits like a puzzle piece in this humorous script, IMO.
Thanks for your thoughts.

Hi orion - I enjoyed reading this, but feel it could have greater impact on the reader, if it was trimmed back a little, for instance the 1st stanza ~

I watch how you notice me,
looking at my hair or in my eyes,
glancing my way
to note details of what I'm wearing.
I see you observe my jewelry -
necklace, earrings and our diamond.
I know your look is for me.

Just an idea - use or lose!
Snow

Hahaha Jan!

This felt so romantic until that ending - luv it! It's hard to compete for attention with a sportsman!

I'm not certain if you're open, so I'll toss this idea to you - I think perhaps cutting out some of the words might not harm the meaning in this one, a Snow mentioned too.

For example:
When I watch you notice me,
my hair or my eyes,
those glances to note
details of what I'm wearing,
I see that you even observe
my jewelry - necklace,
earrings, our diamond.
I know your look is mine.

When you move your fingers
through my long strands,
I watch you watch me -
and steer me to a state of relaxation.
Love, your look is mine.

When you move your newspaper
and stop reading as I walk by -
you're magnetized
from across the room.
Baby, your look is mine.

When you stare at me
as you did on our wedding day
with rivers of mounting desires like
no one else in the world matters -
Honey, your look is mine.

When you're watching ESPN
and your favorite game is on
I can forget it -

you'll look at me later!


Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo

Hi Jan,

A very fine piece of poetry.

This is an example of how to write poetry.

You had me and the readers reading line by line the inner feelings of a woman who fully appreciates a loving husband. In a subtle way, a slight demanding of the erotic.

Then we are all brought down to earth (cruelly) by a few succinct lines in the finishing stanza.


Lovely surprise.


John