Dad, Wizard Award Options

[Siren]

2nd Revision TY LIZ & Daniel

He stood...
legs spread,
arms stretched out, on both sides,
waving in rhythmic mini-circles.

His taut torso
twists to each beat.
His smile...
an engaging centerpiece
reflected in the eyes of his giddy audience.

Our guests
clapped wildly,
cheering his every move.

Laughter rippled
between roars and giggles,
nourished his ebullience,
drugged by the joy
he infused into their hearts.

Those famous police-style glasses
couldn't dim the light radiating within;
straight, white teeth veiled
with a full joyous smile
from his thin, yet supple lips,
and lively black hair danced-
each lending a character of its own.

I often stood at a distance,
hidden by the ruckus,
framing each celebration
that was Dad.

Twenty-one years later,
I stand, arms stretched,
hands circling, torso undulating
a reflection of his smile in my eyes.






Revised TY Cathy, Alan, Lori, Jenni and Eira


He stood...
legs apart,
arms stretched to the sides,
waving in rhythmic mini-circles.

His taut torso
twists to the beat.
His smile...
an engaging centerpiece
reflected in the eyes of his giddy audience.

The invited guests
clapped wildly,
some stood, others seated,
cheering his every move.

Laughter rippled
between roars and giggles,
nourished his ebullience,
drugged by the joy
he infused into their hearts.

His famous police-style glasses
couldn't dim the light he radiated,
perfect teeth,
lively black hair,
thin yet supple lips,
limning a character of their own.

I would stand far away,
hidden by the ruckus
framing the celebration
that was him.

Today,
twenty-one years later,
my arms stretch,
hands circle,
torso undulates-
a reflection of his smile in my eyes.






original

He stood...
legs apart,
arms stretched to the sides,
waving in rhythmic mini-circles.

His taut torso
twisting to the beat.
His smile...
an engaging center-piece
reflected in the eyes of his giddy audience.

The invited guests
some standing, others on seats
clapped wildly,
cheering his every move.

Laughter wavered
between roars and giggles,
but his enthusiasm increased,
drugged by the joy
he fused into the hearts
surrounding him.

His famous police-style framed glasses
didn't dim the light he exuded,
perfect teeth,
lively black hair,
thin yet supple lips,
all seemed to have a character of their own.

I stood far away,
hidden by the ruckus
framing the celebration that was him.

And today
twenty-one years later,
I celebrate his memory...
my arms stretched,
hands circling,
torso undulating,
a reflection of his smile in my eyes.


Note: It has been too long since I've written anything let alone posted.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Dani,

I get the feeling that your dad was a comical person who loved to make others laugh. It's a wonderful memory to hold on to.

A few suggestions, mostly punctuation. I'm not the best at that so you might want to wait for other opinions before you change anything. LOL Use or lose as you see fit~

It's a lovely tribute to a father!

Cathy

He stood[...]
legs apart,
arms stretched to the sides,
hands waving in rhythm[i]c mini-circles.

His {taught}[taut] torso{,}
twisting to the beat.
His smile[...]
an engaging center-piece
reflected in the eyes of his giddy audience.

The invited guests
[(]some standing, others on seats[)]
clapped wildly,
cheering {on} his every move.

Laughter wavered
between roars and giggles[,]
but his enthusiasm increased,
drugged by the joy
he fused into the hearts
surrounding him.

His famous police[-]style framed glasses
didn't dim {out} the light he exuded,
perfect teeth[,]
lively black hair[,]
thin yet supple lips[,]
all seemed to have a character of their own.

I {had} stood far away[,] 'had stood' doesn't sound quite right...
hidden by the raucus
framing the celebration that was him.

And today
twenty-one years later[,]
I celebrate his memory[...]
my arms stretched,
hands circling,
torso undulating,
{and} a reflection of his smile in my eyes.

[Alan]

Dear Dani,

Yes, I remember from before how close you are (not "were") to your Dad. Wonderful, and there I speak as a Dad myself.

The only thing I can see to amend is "raucus" - I think you mean ruckus

(Definitions of ruckus: * noun: the act of making a noisy disturbance ), which would be rather

raucous # adjective: disturbing the public peace; loud and rough Example: "A raucous party"

I bet they come from the same root !

Love
Alan

[Siren]

Dearest Cathy,

Thank you so much for the help on this. My being away is no excuse for the silly amateurish mistakes I've made here and I hope you can forgive me for them....

I have ammended those mistakes and taken your punctuation suggestions. In my rush to write after so long of a dry spell I lost sight of other basic things.

Thanks again for the help.

Hugs
Dani

[Siren]

Hey Alan,

I'm so happy to see you here. Yes, I am close to my father and every birthday I write a tribute to him. I think this one is a bit more positive than my previous ones.

I too apologize for the silly mistakes in this piece. Ruckus ofcourse. Thanks for dropping in and pointing that mistake.

Hugs
Dani

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Daniah.

It's so good to see you writing again! This is a keeper for sure as it goes way beyond sentiments, and right into the heart of your readership.

You've done your father proud in this poem Dani! I've made some notes below to keep the tenses as they should be from stanza to stanza and also offered some word additions, deletions and line changes. As always, take or toss what you wish.

A loving tribute that is so full of imagery and sentiment. Well done! :

HUGS
~Cleo

[add] {delete}

He stood...
legs apart,
arms stretched to the sides,
waving in rhythmic mini-circles.
Nice visual opening Dani!

His taut torso
twist{ing}[s] to the beat{.} [as he flashes]
[h]is smile...
an engaging center-piece (centerpiece should be one word)
reflected in the eyes of his giddy audience.

The invited guests
some standing, others on seats
clapped wildly,
cheering his every move.
I would swap lines and edit tense as follows:
Invited guests
clapped wildly,
some stood, others were seated[,]
cheering his every move.

Laughter wavered
between roars and giggles,
but his enthusiasm increased,
drugged by the joy
he fused into the hearts
[that] surround[ed]{ing} him.

His famous police-style framed glasses
didn't dim the light he exuded,
perfect teeth,
lively black hair,
thin yet supple lips,
all {seemed to have} [portraying] a character of their own.

I stood far away,
hidden by the ruckus
framing the celebration (move next three words down)
that was him.

{And} [T]oday[,]
twenty-one years later,
I celebrate his memory...
my arms stretched,
hands circling,
torso undulating{,} [-]
a reflection of his smile in my eyes.

[wordsart]

Hi

I enjoyed this tribute. It is a good description of the man and of his relationship with the audience.

Here are my thoughts about some of the words, which I hope are useful But please feel free to use or use as you think fit.

He stood...
legs apart,
arms stretched to the sides,
waving in rhythmic mini-circles.

The only thing I am unsure of here is the ellipsis. I know these are all edits. But for me a line break suffices. Or even a comma.

His {taut} torso
twisting to the beat.
[A reflection of] His smile{...}
{an engaging center-piece}
{reflected} in the [giddy] eyes of his {giddy} audience.

I thought maybe here you could echo the structure as well as the words of your final line?

The invited guests
some standing, others on seats
clapped {wildly}[enthusiastically],
cheering his every move.

(wildly is just bit informal/colloquial?)

Laughter {wavered} [swayed]
[from] {between} roars [to] {and} giggles,
{but} [nourished] his [ebullience] {enthusiasm increased},
[he was] drugged by the joy
he [in]fused into the[ir] hearts.
{surrounding him.}

'wavered' seems to have something of indecisiveness about it.

His famous police-style {framed} glasses
{didn't}[could not] dim the light he {exuded} [radiated],
perfect teeth,
lively black hair,
thin yet supple lips,
{all seemed to have a} [each with] {character of} their own [character].


I [would stand] {stood} far away,
hidden by the ruckus
framing the celebration that was him.

Not sure if you might want to use that past tense (would stand) to convey this happened on many occasions. Or if this is a memory of only one occasion? If it is several occasions other verbs will need attention too. I just played with the verb here as it seems this is a regular occurence?

And today[,]
twenty-one years later, [for the twenty first year?] (Or is this 21 years after the single incident you are recording?)
I celebrate his memory{...} [;]
my arms stretched,
hands circling,
torso undulating,
a reflection of his smile in my eyes.

It's a lovely poem and I like the way you echo the idea of his laughter reflecting in your eyes now and in the audience's eyes then.

Thanks for sharing your tribute. I hope I might have assisted?

Jenni

[Siren]

Hey Lori,

It's good to be back and I intend to be more active INSHALLAH! (by the grace of God)

I knew this needed tightening up. Thanks for the help. I feel like a newbie and will pick up my act soon.

Thanks a lot and I'll comment in more detail soon.


Hugs
Dani

[Siren]

Hello Jenni,

Thanks for venturing into my thread and having a go at tightening up this piece. I appreciate the help immensely and will take everything into consideration.

It's an honor meeting you and hopefully will see you around.



Dani

PS: I'm glad this touched you!

[wordsart]

Hello Jenni,

Thanks for venturing into my thread and having a go at tightening up this piece. I appreciate the help immensely and will take everything into consideration.

It's an honor meeting you and hopefully will see you around.



Dani

PS: I'm glad this touched you!

Hi Dani

Thanks for the welcome!

I just wanted to say when I wrote 'to use or use', you know I meant to give you a choice!! Must have Henry Ford in the family tree I think?

[Siren]

Hi Dani

Thanks for the welcome!

I just wanted to say when I wrote 'to use or use', you know I meant to give you a choice!! Must have Henry Ford in the family tree I think?

Hi Again Jenni,

It's true you haven't seen me around the boards, but I am a veteran in poetry interacting (so to speak), and know your suggestions were "to use or use" :wink:

A pleasure meeting you...

Dani

[JustDaniel]

I see that you have some good suggestions already, Dani, so I'll not stir the waters further till I see you do the tightening yourself that's been pointed out. Glad to see you loosening up again!

deLighted to bump into you, Daniel

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Dani,

Great to see you return. Better late than never. Yes, this tribute is significantly more positive than previous poems. Could it be that time is healing?

Wishing you the best.

Don

[Eisa]

Dear Daniah

I always love to read the tributes to your father -- always written from the heart.

I just have a few minor thoughts.

The invited guests
some standing, others [on] seated
clapped wildly,
cheering his every move.

Laughter wavered
wavered does sound a bit indecisive, perhaps laughter rippled?
between roars and giggles,


His famous police-style framed glasses
didn't dim the light he exuded,
perfect teeth,
lively black hair,
thin yet supple lips,
all [seemed to have] displaying a character of their own.

And today
twenty-one years later,
I celebrate his memory...
my arms stretched,
hands circling,
torso undulating,
a reflection of his smile in my eyes.

I love this last stanza which brings this poem to the present day, but I still sense the loving relationship of the past shining through.


It's so good to read your work again

Hugs Snow

[Siren]

sorry, pc glitches

[Siren]

oops

[Siren]

Hi

I enjoyed this tribute. It is a good description of the man and of his relationship with the audience.

Here are my thoughts about some of the words, which I hope are useful But please feel free to use or use as you think fit.

Thanks Jenni... am so glad you enjoyed this tribute.


He stood...
legs apart,
arms stretched to the sides,
waving in rhythmic mini-circles.

The only thing I am unsure of here is the ellipsis. I know these are all edits. But for me a line break suffices. Or even a comma.

I understand your view on elipses, but have decided to keep this one. thanks though

His {taut} torso
twisting to the beat.
[A reflection of] His smile{...}
{an engaging center-piece}
{reflected} in the [giddy] eyes of his {giddy} audience.

I thought maybe here you could echo the structure as well as the words of your final line?

I do get your point, but I needed to use taut to convey that he was always a fit man. center-piece also to show the effect of his presence. He captivated.

The invited guests
some standing, others on seats
clapped {wildly}[enthusiastically],
cheering his every move.

(wildly is just bit informal/colloquial?)

I am still thinking on that part. enthusiastically seemed quite a mouthful while reading out loud

Laughter {wavered} [swayed]
[from] {between} roars [to] {and} giggles,
{but} [nourished] his [ebullience] {enthusiasm increased},
[he was] drugged by the joy
he [in]fused into the[ir] hearts.
{surrounding him.}

'wavered' seems to have something of indecisiveness about it.
I loved your wavered idea, but made another change to rippled. Thanks for the "ebullience" You helped tighten this part a bit

His famous police-style {framed} glasses
{didn't}[could not] dim the light he {exuded} [radiated],
perfect teeth,
lively black hair,
thin yet supple lips,
{all seemed to have a} [each with] {character of} their own [character].


I [would stand] {stood} far away,
hidden by the ruckus
framing the celebration that was him.

Not sure if you might want to use that past tense (would stand) to convey this happened on many occasions. Or if this is a memory of only one occasion? If it is several occasions other verbs will need attention too. I just played with the verb here as it seems this is a regular occurence?

Yes it did happen on many occassions and he was always a lively man who loved to make people laugh and was confident of his presence and oozed immeasurable charm.

And today[,]
twenty-one years later, [for the twenty first year?] (Or is this 21 years after the single incident you are recording?)
I celebrate his memory{...} [;]
my arms stretched,
hands circling,
torso undulating,
a reflection of his smile in my eyes.

It's a lovely poem and I like the way you echo the idea of his laughter reflecting in your eyes now and in the audience's eyes then.

Thanks for sharing your tribute. I hope I might have assisted?

Jenni

Jenni,

Thank YOU for the detailed crit. I'm honored by your presence here.

Dani

[Siren]

I see that you have some good suggestions already, Dani, so I'll not stir the waters further till I see you do the tightening yourself that's been pointed out. Glad to see you loosening up again!

deLighted to bump into you, Daniel

My Dear Daniel,

I am so glad to see you. It's been so long my friend. I made the changes and hope to see your thoughts on them.

Hugs
Dani

[Siren]

Dear Dani,

Great to see you return. Better late than never. Yes, this tribute is significantly more positive than previous poems. Could it be that time is healing?

Wishing you the best.

Don

Dear Don,

It's good to be back and hopefully stronger. Yes time is healing... about time, ehh?

Thanks for dropping in and the wishes.

Dani

[Siren]

Dear Daniah

I always love to read the tributes to your father -- always written from the heart.

[b]Dearest Eira,

It's a ritual for me and I only hope that it conveys enough. Thanks for venturing into this

I just have a few minor thoughts.[/b]

The invited guests
some standing, others [on] seated
clapped wildly,
cheering his every move.

Laughter wavered
wavered does sound a bit indecisive, perhaps laughter rippled?
between roars and giggles,

I made the changes and loved "rippled" Thank you so much!


His famous police-style framed glasses
didn't dim the light he exuded,
perfect teeth,
lively black hair,
thin yet supple lips,
all [seemed to have] displaying a character of their own.

And today
twenty-one years later,
I celebrate his memory...
my arms stretched,
hands circling,
torso undulating,
a reflection of his smile in my eyes.

I love this last stanza which brings this poem to the present day, but I still sense the loving relationship of the past shining through.

That is all I needed to know. There is love from the past and it would shine even stronger as it gushes through to the future. Thank you sweetie!


It's so good to read your work again

Hugs Snow

It's wonderful to be able to share it with you. I miss you so much and hope this is a new begining for more interacting.

Thank you so much dear heart

Hugs
Dani