Candy Clouds (tweaked Feb 20), Wizard Award ~ sonnet for children Options

[Eisa]

I LOVE this Snow!

I have no nits at all - I hope you submit this one, I think the children would enjoy this (and with pictures too it would really sell)! It is full of vivid images that a child understands - and lots of color and character...

Good luck with this one!
~Cleo

Thanks Lori -- I might make some minor tweaks, then send it off. Yes ... pictures would be very good with this.

Snow

[AMETHYST]

Hey Snow,

I just did another read-through on this and I love it, Like Lori mentions, I wouldn't change a thing!

Hugs, Liz ... Wonderful word working and skilled use of poetic devices...

[Eisa]

Hey Snow,

I just did another read-through on this and I love it, Like Lori mentions, I wouldn't change a thing!

Hugs, Liz ... Wonderful word working and skilled use of poetic devices...

Hi Liz -- I'd forgotten to edit this again, as I have thought of another slight change for the beginning, which I'll edit now -- see what you think!

Hugs Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Snow.

"A spooky shoal of phantom haddock floats"

compared to:

"A shoal of phantom flatfish, slowly float"

I must admit, I prefer the original opening as the new one (specifically, the word 'spooky' doesn't seem to be followed in theme). In addition, I like the alliteration of phantom flatfish floating over spooky shoals, IMHO.

Just my .02 cents to T or T...

Cheers
~Cleo

[Guest_Don_*]

I think revision of your first line is a positive improvement. Flatfish may make many, myself for example, pause in wonder. Haddock is common enough to swim and sing simultaneously.

As a poetry reader to three sixth grade English classes in USA I've been collecting children's poems for their enjoyment. If there were enough time I would certainly toss yours into the fray.

A sonnet with children's theme is unique.

Don

[Alan]

Dear Snow,

While I think it an excellent poem, what worries me is that there are quite a number of rather esoteric words such a cerulean which might place this beyond the comprehension of even older children.

So I wish you lots of luck with your submission, and will be very glad to be proved wrong once it is accepted !

Good luck.

Love
Alan

[Guest_Don_*]

I do agree with Alan regarding esetoric words. I believe there are two types of children's poems. One type adults read to children and the other is what children read themselves. In either case, the child tends not to question words or phrases they do not understand. In my sixth grade class reading of poems, only a hundred years old, contain foreign language, which students do not question despite an intentional mention. After pointing out a strange passage and giving them a chance to speak, for class participation, I explain. They appreciate the knowledge, but refuse to standout by admiting ignorance.

Current academic emphasis on social skills of fitting into the group trump curiousity to know and learn.

If you are able to make every point crystal clear for current generations, a few years will muddy the pond. Obviously, composing as articulate as practical is the goal with understanding that moving language generates foundation shifts.

This is my opinion, what is yours?

Don

[Eisa]

Hi Snow.

"A spooky shoal of phantom haddock floats"

compared to:

"A shoal of phantom flatfish, slowly float"

I must admit, I prefer the original opening as the new one (specifically, the word 'spooky' doesn't seem to be followed in theme). In addition, I like the alliteration of phantom flatfish floating over spooky shoals, IMHO.

Just my .02 cents to T or T...

Cheers
~Cleo

Hi Lori

Thanks for letting me know your opinion here as I am still in a quandary as how I will start this poem.

I have been experimenting with L1 since Liz suggested

A dozen shoals of phantom flatfish

And haven’t yet found quite what I’m looking for

A spooky shoal of phantom haddock floats

The reason I initially chose ‘spooky’ was because I thought phantom fish looked spooky – and spooky had a nice ring with cerulean. However, I don’t feel it’s the word I’m looking for and am now looking to something more on the candy/mallow theme.

I am not 100% sure about phantom/flatfish/floats as I read last year that alliteration should be subtle and more than 2 words close together breaks the subtlety. In general I agree with this.

So I am still pondering here and any suggestions are welcome.


Snow

[Eisa]

Dear Snow,

While I think it an excellent poem, what worries me is that there are quite a number of rather esoteric words such a cerulean which might place this beyond the comprehension of even older children.

So I wish you lots of luck with your submission, and will be very glad to be proved wrong once it is accepted !

Good luck.

Love
Alan

Hi Alan

I read an article a couple of years ago on this subject and it said that by using some more adult words in childrens' poetry is how they learn new vocabularly. I do share your concerns but was hoping this article was true. This is a poem I would hope parents would read to children so they are able to explain new words.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

love Snow

[Eisa]

I do agree with Alan regarding esetoric words. I believe there are two types of children's poems. One type adults read to children and the other is what children read themselves. In either case, the child tends not to question words or phrases they do not understand. In my sixth grade class reading of poems, only a hundred years old, contain foreign language, which students do not question despite an intentional mention. After pointing out a strange passage and giving them a chance to speak, for class participation, I explain. They appreciate the knowledge, but refuse to standout by admiting ignorance.

Current academic emphasis on social skills of fitting into the group trump curiousity to know and learn.

If you are able to make every point crystal clear for current generations, a few years will muddy the pond. Obviously, composing as articulate as practical is the goal with understanding that moving language generates foundation shifts.

This is my opinion, what is yours?

Don

This is difficult to answer, but I would hope that a parent or teacher would read a poem, ask questions so that they are aware what is not understood and then fill in the gaps of knowledge. I feel if we constanty use well used words that they already understand, their knowledge won't expand.

Snow

[Guest_Don_*]

We agree that vocabulary should be expanded.

If a concientious adult is on the team, there is little to worry about.

I like alliteration a great deal and feel it becomes too much when it becomes a tongue twister. Comical tends to be compatible with more alliteration.

Don

[Eisa]

We agree that vocabulary should be expanded.

If a concientious adult is on the team, there is little to worry about.

I like alliteration a great deal and feel it becomes too much when it becomes a tongue twister. Comical tends to be compatible with more alliteration.

Don

I agree Don. I also feel the phantom flatfish floats was beginning to be a tongue twister. I have offered another revision of that line which I think sounds even smoother -- I hope you agree.

Snow

[Guest_Don_*]

The insertion of "barracuda" certainly tells the listener that this is not a friendly place. It links well with crocodile to be wary.

From heavy alliteration to none was a shock. I got over it, and wish you success in acceptance. Especially after your serious considerations as to what should be presented.

Don

[Eisa]

The insertion of "barracuda" certainly tells the listener that this is not a friendly place. It links well with crocodile to be wary.

From heavy alliteration to none was a shock. I got over it, and wish you success in acceptance. Especially after your serious considerations as to what should be presented.

Don

I'm glad you got over the shock! LOL! However there is stil alliteration between phantom and floats and internal assonance between phanton and barracuda. Who knows I might change again if something else comes to mind before I post this off. I suppose the barracuda or crocodiles could easily snap up a cloud or two on their way. LOL!

Snow

[Guest_Don_*]

I am at a loss as to why barracuda mildly surprised me. For certain it was in relationship to previous considerations. Thanks for pointing out the alliteration and assonance. I think both in combination demonstrates an extremely artful touch.

Good show.

Don

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Snow, I love it. It is simply wonderful. And wonder-full.

I've read your many re-writes, and I'm filled with admiration at your ability to make changes that keep the spirit of it alive. Each rewrite retains the freshness of the original, and it is all perfectly rhymed, perfectly in metre. Well, almost.

I wonder if you'd consider:

'in cerulean ripples, quickly chased.' ?

Its filled with action, texture, colour and wonderfully imaginative images, linked with unexpected rhymes. None of them are disruptive; they all happen naturally. Children will love it, I can hear giggles in my mind's ear. This poem is a lovely thing.

I love the assonance with which it is liberally sprinkled, along with alliteration; not too much but just enough. And I grinned at the play on mellow/mallow. So appropriate for candy clouds!

It has a masterful ring about it, with your voice strong and clear throughout and all the poetic devices in place within a perfect sonnet-form.

I curtsy.

K



Candy Clouds

A shoal of phantom barracuda floats
among cerulean ripples, quickly chased
by snapping crocodiles; two sun-bleached boats
pursue the quaint parade; with greatest haste
a giant gerbil paddles his canoe.
Is this the hungry hunter, who’s the bane
of Cobalt Kingdom -- or the kangaroo
that sambas on a patchwork counterpane?

Who gobbles up the gooey, candy clouds?
The topaz master of the skies should know.
Observing every prank, he laughs aloud,
reclining, plumped on pillows – face aglow.

He toasts the mallow pictures cruising by
with fingers blazing patterns through the sky.

[Eisa]

Snow, I love it. It is simply wonderful. And wonder-full.

I've read your many re-writes, and I'm filled with admiration at your ability to make changes that keep the spirit of it alive. Each rewrite retains the freshness of the original, and it is all perfectly rhymed, perfectly in metre. Well, almost.

I wonder if you'd consider:

'in cerulean ripples, quickly chased.' ?

Its filled with action, texture, colour and wonderfully imaginative images, linked with unexpected rhymes. None of them are disruptive; they all happen naturally. Children will love it, I can hear giggles in my mind's ear. This poem is a lovely thing.

I love the assonance with which it is liberally sprinkled, along with alliteration; not too much but just enough. And I grinned at the play on mellow/mallow. So appropriate for candy clouds!

It has a masterful ring about it, with your voice strong and clear throughout and all the poetic devices in place within a perfect sonnet-form.

I curtsy.

K

Oh thank you Kathy -- you have made my day!

... as to the cerulean line, I think I did have it written as you suggested, as I was pronouncing it
CER you LEE an (is that how you were pronouncing it too?) but someone said the stress should be
ce RUL yan (its' that drat pronunciation thing again! LOL!)

I actually wrote the originalto this 2/3 years ago -- so you can see the time it takes me to perfect something! hee hee!

Thanks you so much for youe encouragement.

Snow

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Oh thank you Kathy -- you have made my day!

# You deserve it. And now I find out that you are the Snow I know!!!!

... as to the cerulean line, I think I did have it written as you suggested, as I was pronouncing it
CER you LEE an (is that how you were pronouncing it too?) but someone said the stress should be
ce RUL yan (its' that drat pronunciation thing again! LOL!)

# Yes, I say it the same way as you. Well, nearly: CER oo LEE an With the heaviest stress on LEE It's probably the English pronounciation opposed to that of Americans.

I actually wrote the original to this 2/3 years ago -- so you can see the time it takes me to perfect something! hee hee!

# I think all good poetry takes time. What did Pete used to say? ummm... "The quality of a piece of writing is inversely proportionate to the number of reviews" or something like that. This poem was worth waiting for! So now I'm reviewing a lot of mine and hoping....... Hahahahaha

Thanks you so much for your encouragement.

Snow

# Thank you for yours.

[Eisa]

Hi Kathy

Your reply ...

Yes, I say it the same way as you. Well, nearly: CER oo LEE an With the heaviest stress on LEE It's probably the English pronounciation opposed to that of Americans.

... made me feel like looking into the pronounciation of cerulean more carefully. I've found a good site

www.yourdictionary.com where you can actually listen to how the words are pronounced. I think it's an American site (American voice) so might not hear English pronounciations.

Anyway I listened to cerulean and it is pronounced much nearer to how we say it, not much stress on first syllable, but LEE is strongly stressed ser oo LEE an so I'm going to change that line back to 'in cerulean ripples ....'

Thanks

Snow

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Eisa,

I do believe you have mastered an exceptional sonnet for childish consumption. The child in all of us roll under your candy clouds.

Thanks for sharing.

Don