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[Cyn]

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[Eisa]

Oh Cyn -- this one sent shivers down my spine. It's like a story from the news, that happens to to other people ... yet it's very real. We are always told to report papers piled on front steps. I love the last lines of the peonies bowed heads ans sense they were not the only heads to be bowed.
I cannot see anything to change on first readings ... but I'll continue to read and see if something comes to mind.

Great writing

Snow

Obituary

No one there to see
the boys outside,
batter-up in grass-
stained jeans,
hat turned back.
No one there to hear
the crack of bat,
the crash of glass.
Shards shiver down,
like rain, on the oriental
rug. The yard unmowed
since Tuesday before last,
papers piled on the front stoop,
weeds amid the peonies’
bowed heads.

[JustDaniel]

I have to join Snow in seeing nothing to change about this on first read...

but I will certainly be thinking about it. I can't help but do so.

Your piece is a surprisingly original and fresh look at the stark reality of death and the REAL obituary that life going on writes for the absense of the important person possibly taken for granted heretofore.

Love in Light, Daniel

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Cyn,

A wonderfully smooth read. I also like the tension of youth continuing as aged demise. The nuance of death or the subject touched lightly is refreshing. My only concern was the repeat of "bat" in "batter-up." Both are employed well despite bumping a mote in my eye.

There is a nice nuance of play superseding chores such as mowing grass.

Don

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cyn,

A unique way to write about the subject of death, showing how life goes on despite the event. I think that using 'rain' was a clever idea too. It sets the mood and puts me in mind of tears.

These are my suggestions... use or lose as you see fit.
Cathy

No one there to see
the boys outside{,}
batter-up in grass-
stained jeans,
hat turned back.
No one there to hear
the crack of bat{,}
the[or] crash of glass{.}
as [s]hards shiver down, I keep wanting to say 'downward'
like rain, on the oriental Should that be 'onto'?
rug. The yard unmowed
since Tuesday before last,
papers piled on the front stoop,
weeds amid the peonies’
bowed heads. Clever line with the reference to 'bowed heads'.

[AMETHYST]

Ok Cyn,

I have to get on the ban wagon here and throw my share of bouquets, for this really does extend beyond poetics and strike the reader with reality. The voice is stark, the short, jab like lines make for a powerful execution of the images. There are so many images that bring this to life, that help relate to the reader on a personal level.

The title is perfect. Sums up the subject without giving the plot away before the turn comes and reveals the ending -- The only thoughts I might suggest (although no changes are necessary, but the thoughts I leave may or maynot interest you) Would include breaking it into 3 separate short stanzas, allowing the reader to have that longer pause after each moment to reflect on the meaning, especially during a second read, when the reader might go back to re consider those linked images to see how you've built up to the ending.


Again, excellent poetry-starkly profound.

Hugs, Liz

Obituary

No one there to see
the boys outside,
batter-up in grass-
stained jeans,
hat turned back.

L1, perhaps -- 'No one's there to see
I love the line break between L3/L4 very strong imagery.


No one there to hear
the crack of bat,
the crash of glass.
Shards shiver down,

suggest a stanza break here, allowing the two stanzas to have the longer pause then bring in the connecting image of rain. In L7, perhaps 'that crack of bat, crashing glass; shards shiver down (I agree with Cathy, perhaps ... downward, ) also, I think shards is a great word, but wanted to leave 'Slivers, shiver downward -- '

like rain, on the oriental
rug. The yard unmowed
since Tuesday before last,
papers piled on the front stoop,
weeds amid the peonies’
bowed heads.

Perhaps,

like rain, onto an oriental
rug. The yard unmowed
since Tuesday before last,
papers piled
on the front stoop,
weeds amid the peonies'
bow their heads. (with bowed heads)

Hugs, Liz

[Cyn]

Hi Liz
Great minds think alike and all that. This poem was posted elsewhere revised as you suggested (and with some minore other revisions. I will post it here now. Thanks for confirming my thoughts about it too.

[AMETHYST]

It's a great poem!

[Peterpan]

It's a great poem!

It certainly is.

Hello Cyn ~

If this is your standard when you have been on a poetic pause - we all need to pause too!

Well done

PP

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cyn.

I agree with the others who've commented thus far, this is a poignant poem!

I have just a couple of teensy nits to add for your pondering. The title is almost too 'telling' of the content for me, but I cannot think of an alternate other than "Silence".

No one there to see
the boys outside,
pitcher poised in grass-
stained jeans,
hat turned back.

I would add an 's' to one - No one's there to see. It might be a slang term, but over here, if 'baseball or painter's hats, we call them 'caps' so I offer 'cap turned back'.

No one there to hear
the crack of bat,
the crash of glass.
Shards shiver down

I would add an 's' to one - No one's there to hear. I would delete 'the' in L3 -a n alternative is 'splinter of glass.'

like rain on an oriental
rug. The yard unmowed
since Thursday before last,
weeds amid the peonies’
bowed heads.

What is the significance of 'oriental rug'? Is there a reason to limit your choices (persian, hand-knit)? I would add a comma after the word 'yard'.

Cheers
~Cleo