Tempus Fugit, Humanitarian Statement/Sympathy Options

[Peterpan]

1st Revision with thanks to Dennis, duetsdove, Nina, Psyche and Eisa

Tempus Fugit

Speedily -
we flew home
over treetops and
snow topped peaks.
Effortlessly
high over misery,
grief and fear.
I imagined we saw
into distant windows:
newborn swaddled
in departed mother's gown;
a teenager rocking with neurological pain;
father’s skin stretched over his skull,
his eyes hang in large sockets.

AIDS-
taking more victims.

____________________________________________

Original Poem

Tempus Fugit

Speedily -
we flew steadily home
over treetops,
snow topped peaks.
We planed, effortlessly,
high over misery,
grief and fear.
I imagined we saw
into distant windows:
newborn swaddled
in departed mother's gown;
a teenager rocking with neurological pain;
father’s skin stretched over his skull,
his eyes hang in large sockets.

AIDS-
taking more victims.



Copyright 2006 Beverleigh Gail Annegarn


Dear Reader~

We recently spent time at our holiday home in Natal, South Coast of South Africa, we flew home to Jhb in our Cessna, 9000 feet above sea level. It is an amazing experience to look out of the window and see/imagine life happening below. Natal has a high incidence of AIDS deaths every year. The stats are clouded/inconclusive because no individual dies of 'Aids', the final demise is from: pneumonia, TB, heart failure or organ failure. (The family also want to preserve dignity.) This poem is dedicated to the ones that have died from AIDS and the beloved persons left behind. Please, may Africa become more educated.

PP

[Eisa]

A heart rending read Bev and one to ponder on.

A few thoughts~

Tempus Fugit

Speedily -
we flew [steadily] home
over treetops,
snow topped peaks[.],
[We] planed, effortlessly,
high over misery,
grief and fear.
I imagined we saw
into distant windows:
newborn swaddled
in departed mother's gown;
a teenager rocking with neurological pain;
father’s skin stretched over his skull,
his eyes hang in large sockets.

AIDS-
taking more victims.

A thought provoking end
Copyright 2006 Beverleigh Gail Annegarn


Dear Reader~

We recently spent time at our holiday home in Natal, South Coast of South Africa, we flew home to Jhb in our Cessna, 9000 feet above sea level. It is an amazing experience to look out of the window and see/imagine life happening below. Natal has a high incidence of AIDS deaths every year. The stats are clouded/inconclusive because no individual dies of 'Aids', the final demise is from: pneumonia, TB, heart failure or organ failure. (The family also want to preserve dignity.) This poem is dedicated to the ones that have died from AIDS and the beloved persons left behind. Please, may Africa become more educated.

PP

[Peterpan]

Hello Eisa

Thank you for the edits!! And the crit.

I will take a look!

Thank you for your thoughts.

PP

[Psyche]

Hi Bev!
I'm glad you've tackled this subject, and indeed with a deftly written, impressive poem. It's really terrible, what's going on in Africa and other parts of the world, as well.

Very few suggestions, to take or toss, Bev.

Tempus Fugit

Speedily -
we flew steadily home
over treetops,
snow topped peaks.
We planed, effortlessly,
high over misery,
grief and fear.

These lines are excellent, the idea of being "high up", and "effortlessly". The contrast with reality down below... How about a line break after fear?

I imagined we saw
into distant windows:
newborn swaddled
in departed mother's gown;
a teenager rocking with neurological pain;
a father’s skin stretched over his skull,
his eyes sagging in large vast sockets.

or squat sockets?
AIDS-
taking more victims. Perfect ending. Cruel, devastating.

I think this poem is extraordinary, Bev. I suppose "loved to read it" is the wrong thing to say, but you'll know what I mean.
Congrats on bringing Aids to the forefront.
Hugs,
Syl ***


Copyright 2006 Beverleigh Gail Annegarn


Dear Reader~

We recently spent time at our holiday home in Natal, South Coast of South Africa, we flew home to Jhb in our Cessna, 9000 feet above sea level. It is an amazing experience to look out of the window and see/imagine life happening below. Natal has a high incidence of AIDS deaths every year. The stats are clouded/inconclusive because no individual dies of 'Aids', the final demise is from: pneumonia, TB, heart failure or organ failure. (The family also want to preserve dignity.) This poem is dedicated to the ones that have died from AIDS and the beloved persons left behind. Please, may Africa become more educated.

PP

[Peterpan]

Hello Syl~

Thank you for reading and commenting. I will look closely at your suggestions. I am not sure I am entirely happy with the poem and I think, ultimately it could be different, possibly more shocking? But, I appreciate your words and will digest and regroup perhaps.

Life on earth proves to be difficult for a lot of people. We can only try to understand how difficult and show sympathy, and enlighten others to the sadness and plight.

Let's not take our situations forgranted.

PP

[duetsdove]

Having lost a dear, dear childhood friend to AIDS. . .I understand the pain of its reality.

In way of critical comment I may suggest the elilmination of the adverbs. . .best when used extremely sparingly in poetry. While I admit to using adverbs myself. . .I do try to pare them back. . .allowing the reader to subject their own feel to the work as much as possible.

Empathy. . .is a necessary commodity in this manifest world. . empathy without enabling the status quo. . .difficult. . .but in getting the picture out there. . .a way can begin to be cleared.

~Rene~

[TygerTyger]

Hey, Beverliegh

Great title! Time flies Good subject choice and a poignant one.

My suggestions would be to ask whether you would consider revamping the first seven lines, combining them and making them shorter?
'Planed' seems an awkward word and an unnessesary repeat of 'flew' as the rest of the text provides the context that you are in an airplane.
I would also suggest to drop one of these three: 'Speedily', 'steadily' or 'effortlessly' because, taken together, they also form a kinda redundancy of facts that any two can provide.

Also, it's hard to tell sometimes whether leaving regular speech articles in or out of a poem (like 'the' and 'a' etc.) make a poem more 'poetic', but, here, since there is no set form you're trying to follow, I think it may be better to leave them in and keep your poem more in the present and more conversational and therefore, more personal.

As you wish!

Dennis!

[Peterpan]

Hey, Beverliegh

>Hello Dennis~ Thank you for taking a look.

Great title! Time flies Good subject choice and a poignant one.

>Yes, it was the 'flying' aspect, and also that when one is living/or ill time is difficult. You of course understand that we 'fly' over problems and often dont assist or help or touch people!

My suggestions would be to ask whether you would consider revamping the first seven lines, combining them and making them shorter?
'Planed' seems an awkward word and an unnessesary repeat of 'flew' as the rest of the text provides the context that you are in an airplane.

>I have to admit I quite like 'planed' as in smoothed and not necessarily used as in flying terms...

I would also suggest to drop one of these three: 'Speedily', 'steadily' or 'effortlessly' because, taken together, they also form a kinda redundancy of facts that any two can provide.

>I do agree with you in retrospect, that I have over-killed on the efficiency and comfort of the plane!! Hee hee. I will revise.

Also, it's hard to tell sometimes whether leaving regular speech articles in or out of a poem (like 'the' and 'a' etc.) make a poem more 'poetic', but, here, since there is no set form you're trying to follow, I think it may be better to leave them in and keep your poem more in the present and more conversational and therefore, more personal.

>I am going to look at it possibly tonight. Many thanks for your comments.

Bev

As you wish!

Dennis!

My comments above Dennis! Thank you!

[Peterpan]

Hello all! (And thank you once again for your comments and input.)

I have put up a revision. Please take a look.

PP

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Bev.

Sorry I'm late to this one (trying to catch up now that the holidays are over). I do have a few suggestions below for you to ponder. A poignant poem Bev and a topic we should write more about!

Cheers
~Cleo

[add] {delete}

{Speedily -} (I'm not certain this word as an opening adds to the imagery?)
[We] flew home
over treetops and
snow[-]topped peaks{.} [;]
[e]ffortlessly
high over misery,
grief and fear.
(suggest line break here)
I imagined we saw
into distant windows:
[a] newborn swaddled
in {departed} [deceased] mother's gown;
a teenager rocking with neurological pain;
[a] father’s skin stretched over his skull,
his eyes hang[ing] in {large} [deepened] sockets.

AIDS-
taking more victims.