All that Not Implies, (retitled - was sisterhood) Options

[Cyn]

All that Not Implies

Nausea nudges at my throat again
when I enter the oncology ward.
Do you have a port-a-cath dear? I hear
the receptionist ask. The patient

just as cheerfully chirps: Yes!
Are you ready then? Of course! as if
she waits to be seated in candlelight
with a dinner date. My husband's here

for tests to tell us if his esophagus
is normal or not, with all that "not"
implies: knots in our stomachs,
clutching bowels in bouts

of fear and dread. I watch them all
with the familiarity of a sister,
want to take their hands, that flutter
like brown speckled birds, into mine

and kiss them quiet, though it’s been
eighteen years since I belonged
to this odd sisterhood: of blood and tubes,
curative cocktails of poison and pain,

collapsed veins, where our hairless heads
and browless eyes revealed sad stories
no one else would want to hear. And here
they are again, as if I’d never gone-

the same sallow faces, cheerful
in their grim knowledge, in the pattern
of routine, something to count on
beyond that on which all of us must,

the truth of it - sharp as a scalpel,
needles that pierce veins.
Here they are again,
as if I’d never gone –

whole, back to a tidy life
among those whose eyes
do not want more from me
than I am able to give.


cyn

[Guest_Gregory_*]

Cyn, impressive piece, Silvia Plath would have been proud. There is a great deal of candour in this poem, but the overall feel is compassionate. This is pretty much complete, I can find no nits to bite on. The flow of the story is direct, and the journey into bad memories is strong and present. The imagery is well described and the intensity of poesy and sentiment is unguarded but sincere. The reader gets a pretty good look at the horror of hospice even the mind of the N who suffered. The suffering is implied deeply in the tone and elocution, although the plot is simple. Nice work, I would send it out and see if you can get some bites. Cheers, Gregory

[Guest_Lanaia_*]

Totally AWESOME!

[TygerTyger]

Hummmm.... Did you post some changes with the changed title?

Seems to read a little different than my first read.

What I liked most about this is the accurate way you portray the victims of cancer.

I remember when my ex found out she had breast cancer, just before she was going to leave me the first time (there were three times all totaled). I was drving her home from the Oncology center when she started laughing uncontrollably. Something very out of character for her! There was a building we passed and had every day for years, called, the "I.M.A. Building". When she finally caught her breath she squeaked out, "I-M-A building! Get it!"

To see here like that was extrordanary!

I went with her several times to her treatments and the scene you describe is incredibly real in my mind. It seems like most patients, in coming to grips with the fact that death is so close, suddenly loose thier will to focus on their problems and just want to enjoy, no... savor every moment. Suddenly, they don't have time to be anything but cheerful! Despite that everyone would understand if they weren't! They become enigmatic!

We watched nothing but happy, optimistic or funny movies, we read jokes to each other, we laughed like lunatics at everyting as she was going through her treatments. Oh, sure, there were days that weren't so good, but they were the exception rather than the rule.

But it didn't last. Not long after she was cured, things started drifting back to the way they were...

Anyway,

You've got a real hummer here, Cyn. It's getting to hard to find things to crit in you posts lately. You better stop that or start being published, one way or the other!

A few nits about punctuation but my suggestions would be to make it read how I would want it to read.

Shouldn't this line be italiced though?

Nausea nudges at my throat again
when I enter the oncology ward.
Do you have a port-a-cath dear? I hear
the receptionist ask. The patient

Just so?

And one more thing I'll point out; S 4-6 seem to ramble a bit. I have some ideas but I think you can fix it up right just from knowing that!

As you wish!

Dennis!

[duetsdove]

Just to say, for now, it's good to read you. . .

And, in your usual way, you gave me tingles in the read.

I'll be back after some contemplation.

~Ren~

[AMETHYST]

Hello Cyn,

This is very powerful. Your use of poetics enhance the poetic tone, while maintaing the heart of the subject. I loved the way each line, in someway, blended a near rhyme and homonyms. This is done very skillfully and adds pleasure to the poem on a whole.

Some other thoughts, comments and cheers...


Best Wishes, Liz

All that Not Implies

Nausea nudges at my throat again
when I enter the oncology ward.
Do you have a port-a-cath dear? I hear
the receptionist ask. The patient

A strong opening setting. The scene, in such a short amount of words comes to life in just a few lines... L1, the word nudges doesn't seem just the right word. Perhaps...urges/surges/threatens/uprises/presages/. I personally like presages, for the full meaning relative to image and actions.
L3, I agree with Dennis that italics would enhance the conversational tone.
The inner rhymes through out really are well done. (again/when ... dear/hear ... )

just as cheerfully chirps: Yes!
Are you ready then? Of course! as if
she waits to be seated in candlelight
with a dinner date. My husband's here

L2, capital on "As if"
L3, suggest omitting 'she' before waits and make 'waits' waiting...
L4. I love how you've ended the line on 'My husband's here.... a great enjambment. I can feel the sense of relief in her voice... like thank goodness my husband is here to support me, then it enjambs to the next stanza, and takes on a whole new tone and meaning... a tone of concern, worrisome voice... This is done quite well.


for tests to tell us if his esophagus
is normal or not, with all that "not"
implies: knots in our stomachs,
clutching bowels in bouts

Perhaps... L1, for tests to reveal if his esophagus
is normal - or not; weighed by all that 'not'
implies:

L3, excellent twist on words... not/knots, and the image of knots in stomach/bowels all emphasize the reactions of both treatments, nervousness due to the anxiety of what they will here and what waits for them ... and the illness ... you've really done a great job here Cyn!
Again, L4 another excellent execution of enjambments.. bowels in bouts... is one specific image... like a bout of the flu, ... etc, then brings us into another meaning with the next stanza. Great word working.




of fear and dread. I watch them all
with the familiarity of a sister,
want to take their hands, that flutter
like brown speckled birds, into mine

L1, suggest bringing all down to L2, where the ending of line 1 becomes ... "I watch them... putting the emphasis on that profound moment... then bringing it down to the remainder of the image...


and kiss them quiet, though it’s been
eighteen years since I belonged
to this odd sisterhood: of blood and tubes,
curative cocktails of poison and pain,

This implies to me that the narrator is a nurse or in the medical profession, which adds depth as she knows what to expect, what to fear and what tell tales signs are written on care taking faces... Nicely done. (If I read this right!)
L4, very indepth... poison and pain with the hopes of its cure!

Let me comment on the rhymes you've included... very strong alliterative factors... odd/sisterHOOD/Blood.. all nice parings...




collapsed veins, where our hairless heads
and browless eyes revealed sad stories
no one else would want to hear. And here
they are again, as if I’d never gone-

Again, the sonics are well done. ending the last stanza on pain/blending the sounds of pain/veins... L3, the homonym hear/here is placed well... and adds again to the pleasure in the read. The detailed descriptions are strong. empowering the images to take a life of their own in this readers mind... becoming an experience, rather than something read.


the same sallow faces, cheerful
in their grim knowledge, in the pattern
of routine, something to count on
beyond that on which all of us must,

L2, perhaps 'inspite of their grim knowledge, a pattern
of routine; something to count on
beyond that ...


the truth of it - sharp as a scalpel,
needles that pierce veins.
Here they are again,
as if I’d never gone –

Another very strong stanza. Perhaps...
L1, omitting 'of it' leaving...

the truth - sharp as a scalpel, (excellent word crafting)
needles that peirce veins.
The repeat of these last 2 lines are much more powerful here than in S6. was the repeat intentional?


whole, back to a tidy life
among those whose eyes
do not want more from me
than I am able to give.

[/b] At first I was going to suggest a substitute of 'want' for ask... but after thinking on it awhile, want is what so many people around us are always doing... wanting from us more than we can give. and decided what you have here as an ending is excellent.

Very powerful read. [/b]

[Guest_PashernatePoet_*]

I'm going to quite useless now and say I simply thought the poem was amazing. It really is great.

Your imagery's incredibly inventive, including this:

"...I watch them all
with the familiarity of a sister,
want to take their hands, that flutter
like brown speckled birds, into mine"

The title and the concept behind it is brilliant too.

As I said, this will all be pretty useless for you but I just thought this piece showed great originality (on a subject that's been done over and over by poets as well) and shoved me head first into a hospital ward and into anxiety.

[JustDaniel]

I'm afraid...

and afraid I'm not able to be of much help with this helplessly powerful piece, Cyn.

Maybe we'll talk about it face to face weak after next?

sLightly on edge, Daniel

[Peterpan]

Hi Cyn~

Amazing flow and word synchronisation.

I cant find nits now, still reeling from the emotions.

I will let you know.

Thank you for sharing it.

PP