Verdict ~ Revision 2, 10 Aug 2007, Wizard Award ~ Alternating Sonnet Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

. .


I finally did it - I wrote my first sonnet (the Sep. book title challenge inspired me)!

This one is the sonnet variation called Alternating Sonnet, which is a French form made up of alternating tercets and quatrains in Iambic Pentameter; Volta at L9; rhyme scheme = abba – ccd – abba – ede.


Revision 2 (with title change from Rejoice to Verdict)

Verdict

Inside her mind, an act of treason calls
to tempt those shattered dreams she can't erase
from years of blood and thunder; her disgrace
parades itself on camouflaged red walls.

For one more day her life is all but dead
to him who casts black stones, scapegoat instead.
First light will bring her justice; Heaven knows.

Her silent screams have echoed through bound halls;
truth’s harmony soon finds it’s just embrace.
Exploits by perjured then profess their place,
releasing her from years of bitter brawls.

Once victim, now our victor finds her voice
and freedom from the bondage she once chose…
‘Not guilty’ is her verdict; she’ll rejoice.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter


<sub>Original, Oct 1 2006:

Inside her mind an act of treason calls
to tempt those fragile things she can’t erase
from years of blood and thunder - her disgrace
parades itself on camouflaged red walls.

For one more day her life is all but dead
to he who casts the stones, victim instead;
first light will bring her justice: this she knows.

The missing song will echo through the halls;
truth’s harmony will find its ‘just’ embrace.
Exploits by perjured soon profess their place
releasing her from years of hate-filled mauls.

Once victim, now the victor, finds her voice
and freedom from the bondage she had chose…
‘Not guilty’ serenades her, she’ll rejoice.


Rev 1:

Inside her mind, an act of treason calls
to tempt those shattered dreams she can't erase
from years of blood and thunder; her disgrace
parades itself on camouflaged red walls.

For one more day her life is all but dead
to him who casts black stones, scapegoat instead.
First light will bring her justice; Heaven knows.

Her silent song has echoed through the halls;
truth’s harmony soon finds it’s just embrace.
Exploits by perjured then profess their place,
releasing her from years of bitter brawls.

Once victim, now our victor finds her voice
and freedom from the bondage she once chose…
‘Not guilty’ serenades her; she’ll rejoice.


Sidenote: This was written based on a challenge to incorporate the following Book Titles: (These need not stay):

The Missing Song
For One More Day
Blood and Thunder
Act of Treason
Firstlight
Fragile Things</sub>

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Sep 2 07, 09:27

Reason for edit: Revision 2

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Cleo,

Got your e-mail call. Have copied this out for further study. Will return.
I am vacillating over your choice of "chose" in thinking it should be "chosen."
Though you don't state how closely you desire to follow, the pentameter will be considered.

Don

[AMETHYST]

YEEPEEE! Now beware....The first becomes highly addictive!
I've printed this out and will be back with a real response... Yummmy ...

Hugs, Liz

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Lori!

I'm still reeling over what you'd told me in one of my tiles a few weeks ago... that quatrains, not FV were your forte. I'd always thought that I'd observed your deftness in both... and it's really quite shocking to find that this is your very first sonnet. You've handled it justly, IMHO.

I cannot tackle it in depth at this moment, since I've just arrived back at work from an interlude and I have some things I must accomplish before heading home in a bit over two hours, so this may be my last peek for a while.

Any variations that you may have from IP are totally within the realm of acceptable, and every line flows rather wonderfully to my reading... but as I implied, I'll look more at content on my next visit... but it seems to me to make perfect sense. There are a couple of grammatical gaffs I'll point out, however:

Rejoice
[ Fetching, and it captures the meaning right well! ]

Inside her mind an act of treason calls
to tempt those fragile things she can’t erase
from years of blood and thunder - her disgrace
[ How about a semi-colon here ? ]
parades itself on camouflaged red walls.

For one more day her life is all but dead
to he him who casts the stones, victim instead;
[ him is object of the preposition to, and who casts modifies that ]
first light will bring her justice: this she knows.
[ Maybe starting new sentence with First and using a semi-colon might do it justice ? ]

The missing song will echo through the halls;
truth’s harmony will find its ‘just’ embrace.
[ Why 'just' in quotes ? ]
Exploits by perjured soon profess their place[,]
[ The meaning in this phrasing suffers, methinks ? ]
releasing her from years of hate-filled mauls.

Once victim, now the our victor (,) finds her voice
and freedom from the bondage that she had chose…
‘Not guilty’ serenades her[;] (,) she’ll rejoice.

As Liz has already intimated, you've taken a giant step toward a wondrous addition. Superb start!

deLighting in the interchange, Daniel

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Cleo,

Inside her mind an act of treason calls [Inversion]
to tempt those fragile things she can’t erase [No, no, not “things.”]
[*]from years of blood and thunder - her disgrace [like the blood and thunder]
parades itself on camouflaged red walls. [Consider the last four syllables as a double-iamb]

For one more day her life is all but dead
[*]to he who casts the stones, victim instead; [Potential pivot out of place]
[*]first light will bring her justice: this she knows.

[*]The missing song will echo through the halls; ["silent" song?]
truth’s harmony will find its ‘just’ embrace. [Another double-iamb}
Exploits by perjured soon profess their place
[*]releasing her from years of hate-filled mauls.

Once victim, now the victor, finds her voice [why a connector before victor but not before victim?]
and freedom from the bondage she had chose…[last four syllables a double-iamb]
[*]‘Not guilty’ serenades her, she’ll rejoice.

I dislike the following three syllable words because they disrupt iambic:
Camouflaged, harmony, serenades. Considering double-iambs in context, only ‘serenade’ broke meter.

[*] denotes failure of iambic pentameter.

Each line has ten syllables.
The rhyme scheme is correct.
First pivot is supposed to be line 8, not 9. The above pivots on line 8.
Repeat words that may distract are: "victim" and "will."


Paragraph below is for grammar/spell check:
Add two commas as shown in red.
Readability is very high.
Inside her mind[,] an act of treason calls to tempt those fragile things she can’t erase from years of blood and thunder - her disgrace parades itself on camouflaged red walls. For one more day her life is all but dead to he who casts the stones, victim instead; first light will bring her justice: this she knows. The missing song will echo through the halls; truth’s harmony will find its ‘just’ embrace. Exploits by perjured soon profess their place releasing her from years of hate-filled mauls. Once victim, now the victor, finds her voice and freedom from the bondage[,] she had chose… ‘Not guilty’ serenades her, she’ll rejoice.

I find verboseness in several lines with arrangements avoiding conversational mode.
I think I understand very well, but the overall comes off sorta sappy.
I find a contradiction in her being ‘not guilty’ of bondage that she chose. Complying is different than choosing. Following is suggested:

[*]Once a victim, the victor found her voice
[*]to reject bondage, which she chose to close…
[*]freedom from guilt serenades her rejoice.


It has totally escaped me that you have avoided writing a sonnet until now. Hey, lots of luck because they can be troublesome. For your first, I wouldn't overly worry about strict iambic pentameter--unless you prefer to suffer what true R&M tends to be.

As per usual, dump serious disagreements.

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cleo,

Got your e-mail call. Have copied this out for further study. Will return.
I am vacillating over your choice of "chose" in thinking it should be "chosen."
Though you don't state how closely you desire to follow, the pentameter will be considered.

Don

Hello Don.

I hope this colder weather we're heading for agrees with you. I'm looking forward to brisker nights.

I look forward to your response Don. Please Do consider the Iambs (I need help in that area - I've two left feet!)
TTYS
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

YEEPEEE! Now beware....The first becomes highly addictive!
I've printed this out and will be back with a real response... Yummmy ...

Hugs, Liz

Hi Liz.

You might not write 'whippee' after you read this one, LOL! But, it a start and I look forward to your critique. Not sure I'm addicted yet......

I'll munch on these for now.

HUGS
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Greetings, Lori!

I'm still reeling over what you'd told me in one of my tiles a few weeks ago... that quatrains, not FV were your forte. I'd always thought that I'd observed your deftness in both... and it's really quite shocking to find that this is your very first sonnet. You've handled it justly, IMHO.

I cannot tackle it in depth at this moment, since I've just arrived back at work from an interlude and I have some things I must accomplish before heading home in a bit over two hours, so this may be my last peek for a while.

Hi Daniel.

Thanks for taking a peek here. I'm definitely NOT a FV poet, but every now and then I do write them when I feel my message is best expressed that way without any restrictions of parameters imposed on the muse. Thanks, this is an 'adult' metaphor so to speak.

Any variations that you may have from IP are totally within the realm of acceptable, and every line flows rather wonderfully to my reading... but as I implied, I'll look more at content on my next visit... but it seems to me to make perfect sense. Thank you!

There are a couple of grammatical gaffs I'll point out, however:

Rejoice
[ Fetching, and it captures the meaning right well! ] Yes titles are very important to me, glad you like this one.

Inside her mind an act of treason calls
to tempt those fragile things she can’t erase
from years of blood and thunder - her disgrace
[ How about a semi-colon here ? ]
parades itself on camouflaged red walls.
Where would you put it, after disgrace? Not sure L4 is an 'independent clause of L3?

For one more day her life is all but dead
to he him who casts the stones, victim instead;
[ him is object of the preposition to, and who casts modifies that ]
first light will bring her justice: this she knows.
[ Maybe starting new sentence with First and using a semi-colon might do it justice ? ]
Ah, I didn't know that about 'him', thanks! Yes, good suggestion for First light with a semi-colon there however.

The missing song will echo through the halls;
truth’s harmony will find its ‘just’ embrace.
[ Why 'just' in quotes ? ]
Exploits by perjured soon profess their place[,]
[ The meaning in this phrasing suffers, methinks ? ]
releasing her from years of hate-filled mauls.
I put just in quotes for emphasis. His lies (exploits) are figured out while he claims innocence.

Once victim, now the our victor (,) finds her voice
and freedom from the bondage that she had chose…
‘Not guilty’ serenades her[;] (,) she’ll rejoice.

Hmmm - I think these ideas over further.

As Liz has already intimated, you've taken a giant step toward a wondrous addition. Superb start!

deLighting in the interchange, Daniel

Thanks so much for stopping in and for the encouragement too.

~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Don.

Thanks so much for coming back so soon! I feel bad, my brain turned itself to 'dimmer' about 30 minutes ago, but I will return tomorrow to reply to your excellently detailed crit.

Have a good night!
~Cleo

[Merlin]

Hi Lori,

I'm pleasantly pleased to be able to come in here, to your first sonnet effort. Every first is special, and gives a good feeling of accomplishment. I agree that it may well become addictive.

As to your sonnet, there's little that needs changing in order for acceptance. It works well, and if there is an iambic diversion, those are very much acceptable - even recommended - in keeping with the form. A couple of grammatical glitches caught my eye, and they can easily be remedied.

Allowing this to settle and doing a revision will improve the areas mentioned above by others, and also yourself. You'll remember those axioms like "show, don't tell", and plug in a better word for "things", which may require changing "fragile" too. Opportunities abound - lonely times, shattered dreams, lost affairs, wilted crops - so many.

V2L2 - "he" oughta be "him", and you could lose some "the"s, by showing what kind of stones - big, hard, his, black...

V4L2 - "chose" is not right grammar, it's "chosen", unless you validate that by saying "she once chose". Again, sub a "that" for the "the", to make smoother reading for us fuzzies.

Hi accolades for this.

Merlin

btw, I've not done many of those listed in the Variation thread.

[AMETHYST]

Hi again, Lori ...

I'll be having a few myself during our critique conversation! Let's get to your very first Sonnet!

Hugs, Liz

Rejoice

As mentioned, the title is very fitting. Strong. Leads the reader toward the poem with some curiosity, which then is hooked by the theme and word choices of the poem.


Inside her mind an act of treason calls
to tempt those fragile things she can’t erase
from years of blood and thunder - her disgrace
parades itself on camouflaged red walls.

S1 has a smooth and steady meter-you're use of multisyllabic words help to keep the meter alive, feeling less like daDUM daDUm...
L1, I think your choice of words here is very dramatic to help grab the reader's attention immediately. L2, The word 'things' leaves me feeling too vague, perhaps "thoughts' or another word to show something of substance. L3/L4: loved the connection between 'blood/thunder and then red/walls in L4. Even the view is nicely camouflaged. A very powerful opening stanza and well done.


For one more day her life is all but dead
to he who casts the stones, victim instead;
first light will bring her justice: this she knows.

L2, I would agree with Daniel, as 'him' seems to sound more fitting. A strong follow up from S1, I find that your Volta is early on, I feel the turn around in L5, rather than L9. Not sure if the variation has anything to do with that...

The missing song will echo through the halls;
truth’s harmony will find its ‘just’ embrace.
Exploits by perjured soon profess their place
releasing her from years of hate-filled mauls.

My only nit in S3, is in L7,8,9 the repeat of will is very noticable. Perhaps L9. you can substitute it with 'now' I will think on this.
Otherwise, you've included quite powerful images that paint a strong and moving stanza. It is filled with energy, determination and the narrator expresses intent of righting wrongs. I especially liked the end rhyme halls/mauls, quite original.
What I felt could be brought out moreso in this stanza, especially to enhance a turn about, would be what she is accused of, what is the song of truth's harmony. Let the reader in a bit more with revealing hard hitting images that draw the reader into her world.



Once victim, now the victor, finds her voice
and freedom from the bondage she had chose…
‘Not guilty’ serenades her, she’ll rejoice.

The ending is applaudable. Quite strong. fills in the missing points of reference. Excellent ending line. Not a nit.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter 01 Oct 2006

Well Lori, for a first Sonnet and a variant it is done quite well. Perhaps tackling a Traditional Sonnet next might be interesting as well. You will enjoy the challenge, I promise you that.

Hope I've left something to help ... big hugs, Liz

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Well done for a first!! I'll never forget my first attempt... ugh! LOL Let's not go there!

Inside her mind an act of treason calls
to tempt those fragile things she can’t erase
from years of blood and thunder - her disgrace
parades itself on camouflaged red walls. I like the correlation between 'blood and thunder' and 'red walls'. I think you could find a better word than 'things'. Why not simply 'memories'? And would it be the memories themselves that are fragile or would it have made her fragile?

For one more day her life is all but dead
to he who casts the stones, victim instead; I feel the iambs are off here with the stress on 'tim' in 'victim'.
first light will bring her justice: this she knows.

The missing song will echo through the halls; 'has echoed' instead of 'will'?
truth’s harmony will find its ‘just’ embrace.
Exploits by perjured soon profess their place
releasing her from years of hate-filled mauls.

Once victim, now the victor, finds her voice
and freedom from the bondage she had chose… Shouldn't this be 'chosen'?
‘Not guilty’ serenades her, she’ll rejoice.

I applaud your ability Lori! I don't think I could write one this good now, let alone my first one! LOL

Cathy

[jgdittier]

Dear Cleo,
Thank-you for inviting me to comment/critique this your first sonnet.
I have forewarned all here that my general style is well out of the modern mainstream and that I'm cadence driven and will often yield form to bring on a smile. Thus, I assume when you proffered the invitation you expected some variance from the norm.
My first thought is that you have chosen a challenging mountain as a self-admitted tenderfoot. Two voltas, such a rhyme scheme, etc., restrictions that allow (in my opinion) too few freedoms.
I started by first scanning "Rejoice" as I read it aloud with inflection which I'd do were it mine. I find nothing necessarily wrong with 140 syllables that all fit the pattern, although I agree that deliberate breaks may add. My thought is though that if they don't add, they detract.
The first four lines are an excellent start. The "red" in the last line caused me to figure its meaning and attracted more beat than I'd prefer, but I'd say a great start.
Lines 5-7 include that interesting "he" that I believe is gramatically correct but always sounds stilted and VICtim inSTEAD adds nothing as I hear it. Finding an alternative
to "this she knows" will allow you in line 13 to replace the "she had chose".
Lines 8-11, I'd denude just, review EXploits as a bump, and consider whether mauls shouldn't be maulings. Mauls are hammers.
Lines 12-14, Why not "Once the victim, now the victor, finds the voicing
of freedom..." with rejoicing! ending the piece.
Do words that sound alike but are 6 lines apart constitute a rhyming pair and do they
add to the poetry?

Nicely done, Cleo!
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Merlin]

Just a short interruption -
2 voltas are not required, but 1 is accepted in either of 2 places. Unless the writer wants 2...

M

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Don.

Hi Cleo,

Inside her mind an act of treason calls [Inversion]
Yes, I tend to do that often in my poems for some reason. It was easier for me to write it this way than "an act of treason probes inside her mind" (although that could work too)?
to tempt those fragile things she can’t erase [No, no, not “things.”]
I definitely agree - 'things' needs to be replaced. Maybe 'thoughts' or 'times'? I see Eric has made some excellent suggestions too - if I ditch fragile: to tempt those shattered dreams she can't erase.
[*]from years of blood and thunder - her disgrace [like the blood and thunder]
parades itself on camouflaged red walls. [Consider the last four syllables as a double-iamb]
Yes, I like blood and thunder too. Don - what does double iamb mean? Perhaps you can guide me with L3 since you denote it as not IP - this is where I have 2 left feet. Is it the 'her disgrace' part?

For one more day her life is all but dead
[*]to he who casts the stones, victim instead; [Potential pivot out of place]
Pivot? the word 'victim' might be better stated as something else. How would 'scapegoat' or 'target' work there? (With he changed to him)
[*]first light will bring her justice: this she knows.
Is it the last three sylls? this she knows? How about "Heaven knows" or is that too cliche?

[*]The missing song will echo through the halls; ["silent" song?] Lovely idea!
truth’s harmony will find its ‘just’ embrace. [Another double-iamb} It's just embrace? Missing a DUM there?
Exploits by perjured soon profess their place
[*]releasing her from years of hate-filled mauls.
I think I could substitute 'brawls' for mauls - but I think 'filled' needs a spike - maybe something like:
releasing her from years of bitter brawls ?

Once victim, now the victor, finds her voice [why a connector before victor but not before victim?]
I wanted to show the passing of time and the changing of the guard so to speak, she is no longer victim in the court, she is now the victor. perhaps there is a better way to state this by finding substitutes for 'now the' and perhaps 'victor'?
and freedom from the bondage she had chose…[last four syllables a double-iamb]
[*]‘Not guilty’ serenades her, she’ll rejoice.
Yes, both these lines need work to smooth the meter and message.

I dislike the following three syllable words because they disrupt iambic:
Camouflaged, harmony, serenades. Considering double-iambs in context, only ‘serenade’ broke meter.

[*] denotes failure of iambic pentameter.

Each line has ten syllables.
The rhyme scheme is correct.
First pivot is supposed to be line 8, not 9. The above pivots on line 8.
Repeat words that may distract are: "victim" and "will."
Yes, I wrote L8 but then edited it to L9 thinking the turning point was really the 'truth' coming out. I 'will' be editing those lines so that will is not repeated - I never even saw that!

Paragraph below is for grammar/spell check:
Add two commas as shown in red. Thanks Don!
Readability is very high.
Inside her mind[,] an act of treason calls to tempt those fragile things she can’t erase from years of blood and thunder - her disgrace parades itself on camouflaged red walls. For one more day her life is all but dead to he who casts the stones, victim instead; first light will bring her justice: this she knows. The missing song will echo through the halls; truth’s harmony will find its ‘just’ embrace. Exploits by perjured soon profess their place releasing her from years of hate-filled mauls. Once victim, now the victor, finds her voice and freedom from the bondage[,] she had chose… ‘Not guilty’ serenades her, she’ll rejoice.
I never would have thought to put it in prosaic format to check the grammatics - great idea!

I find verboseness in several lines with arrangements avoiding conversational mode.
I think I understand very well, but the overall comes off sorta sappy.
Is a sonnet supposed to be read like conversation? I didn't know that. Yes, some of these stanzas are too 'wordy'... The message could be seen as 'sappy' I suppose but not how I wanted it to be. An abused person finally has her day, justice wins...

I find a contradiction in her being ‘not guilty’ of bondage that she chose. Complying is different than choosing. Following is suggested:

[*]Once a victim, the victor found her voice
[*]to reject bondage, which she chose to close…
[*]freedom from guilt serenades her rejoice.

These suggestions will certainly be considered Don.

It has totally escaped me that you have avoided writing a sonnet until now. Hey, lots of luck because they can be troublesome. For your first, I wouldn't overly worry about strict iambic pentameter--unless you prefer to suffer what true R&M tends to be.

As per usual, dump serious disagreements.

Don

Well Don, I knew you would give me the feedback I sought, thank you very much! You might need to help me 'see' the daDUMS you refer to though... The IP aspect kept me away from penning the first. And NO, I do not plan to suffer as tru R&Mers might, !

Be back again soon..
Cheers
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Eric.

Hi Lori,

I'm pleasantly pleased to be able to come in here, to your first sonnet effort. Every first is special, and gives a good feeling of accomplishment. I agree that it may well become addictive.
I'm pleased you have shown me some alternatives to the sonnet. Yes, the first is the baby, in my infancy of IP, I struggled for a long while on this one and I know it needs tweaking, but that's why it's posted for crits. I'm not certain yet if it will become addictive, time will tell....

As to your sonnet, there's little that needs changing in order for acceptance. It works well, and if there is an iambic diversion, those are very much acceptable - even recommended - in keeping with the form. A couple of grammatical glitches caught my eye, and they can easily be remedied.
Oh, thank you very much. I didn't realize one could have a iambic diversion - I thought sonnets had to be perfectly IP?

Allowing this to settle and doing a revision will improve the areas mentioned above by others, and also yourself. You'll remember those axioms like "show, don't tell", and plug in a better word for "things", which may require changing "fragile" too. Opportunities abound - lonely times, shattered dreams, lost affairs, wilted crops - so many.
Oh yes, the show v. tell dilemma , and yes - things is outa here! I like your alternate ideas too, particularly 'shattered dreams' (she can't misplace or erase). Cool!

V2L2 - "he" oughta be "him", and you could lose some "the"s, by showing what kind of stones - big, hard, his, black...
Thanks, more excellent tips! "to him who casts black stones, scapegoat instead". Funny, I tend to crit 'the' often and here in this poem I've slipped a few too many in!

V4L2 - "chose" is not right grammar, it's "chosen", unless you validate that by saying "she once chose". Again, sub a "that" for the "the", to make smoother reading for us fuzzies.
More good ideas for me to chew on - thanks!

Hi accolades for this.

Merlin
btw, I've not done many of those listed in the Variation thread.

You haven't? WOW, I would have bet money that you had written at least ONE of each! Which have you tried thus far and why those particular ones? What was it that attracted you to the forms? For this sonnet, I liked the idea of the tercet/quatrain format and the specific rhyme scheme too....

Thanks bunches for answering my PM request.
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Liz, Cathy and Ron.

My brain's hit the 'freeze' again at this hour but I wanted to let you know I've read all your ideas and will be back to reply tomorrow.

Thanks so much!
~Cleo

[Guest_Don_*]

DaDUM

Dear Cleo, all the persons you enlisted are very good at scansion. I shall proceed to illuminate the tricks of the trade.

We agree that a perfect sonnet should maintain 100% iambic. However, you are aware that occasional, well placed, deviations enhance reading pleasure (up to 20%). Often the lazy bone dominates. A relaxed iambic effort results in accidental deviations, which the writer writes off as okay because variety is spice. To the professional this is akin to careless word choice.

I chose to review your sonnet on bases of each line being purely iambic or not. At least six lines failed, which is 43% of 14 lines. This is excessive deviation for high marks. One could also scan each foot, which would give yours a higher percentage of actual iambic. I took the lazy path, most traveled.

A double iamb is dadaDUMDUM, and is called ionic minor. It provides a pleasing break in rhythm while remaining within pure iambic.
TRUTH’S/ HARmo ny/ WILL FIND/ ITS‘just’ emBRACE
Mono / dactyl / spondee / trochee / iamb

TRUTH’S/ HARmo ny/ WILL FIND/ ITS/‘just’ emBRACE
Mono / dactyl / spondee / mono/ double-iamb

TRUTH’S/ HARmo ny/ WILL FIND/ its ‘JUST’/ emBRACE
Mono / dactyl / spondee / iamb / iamb


SCANNING A LINE:
SINGLE SYLLABLE WORDS—
1) stress: nouns, pronouns and verbs
2) unstressed: articles, conjunctions, prepositions, and connectors.
MULTIPLE SYLLABLE WORDS—
Use dictionary to identify ictus as stressed syllable(s). Note that only one is prime and the secondary may be or not stressed, which is fuzzy. Some say there is only ONE stress regardless.
VOCALIZE:
Note your speech patterns to alter initial marks of stressed and unstressed. Look at “stumbling-point syllables” as to what is before and after. Revise initial marks accordingly.
CAUTION:
Pauses and stops due to punctuation and caesuras do not affect the poem’s meter.
Scansion is debatable.

His HOUSE is IN the VILlage THOUGH
Shows a verb changed to unstressed and a preposition changed to stressed. Also the final word is a conjunction initially unstressed.

Here is an active source: “A Look at Scansion Methods” by Caleb Murdock http://poemtree.com/articles/Scansion.htm

Another is “Meter Made Manageable” by Cassia Pauli. I’ve chased this article around until the last place http://writershood.com
lost everything and is discontinued. Perhaps you can locate this excellent article. Following is an excerpt:
“… you could write one stanza in one kind of foot, and the next one in another, something which is not often done, but can be very interesting and enables you to underline changes of mood in your poem, as trochees for instance sound quite grave, or even a bit ‘brutal,’ because the very first syllable of the line is stressed, while the dactyls are playful, lively, joyful, energetic. But you should be careful. Don’t change the meter too often and only when a new stanza or at least a new line begins, and it should really go along with the change of mood.”

ALSO
“… it is very common that an iambic line, which normally starts unstressed, starts with a stress, followed by two unstressed syllables, and after that the normal alternating starts, this is called an ‘initial inversion’ and is so common that one shouldn’t really call in a irregularity.
An example for that, from Master Shakespeare himself:

Full MAny a GLOrious MORning HAVE i SEEN
(normal iambic pattern if your read man-ya and glorious as two-syllables)
FLATter the MOUNtain TOPS with SOvereign EYE
(this is the initial inversion, the line starts with a stress as you really can’t read ‘flatTER,’ then come two unstressed syllables, and then we’re back to normal alternating iambus)
KISsing with GOLden FACE the MEAdows GREEN
(another initial inversion, you can’t read kissing)”

Yanking the inversion out of your first line disturbs rhyme, which would be worse.

Your third line: from YEARS of BLOOD and THUNDer - her disGRACE
Revised as
the YEARS of BLOOD and THUNDer HAIL disGRACE
To overcome the “her disGRACE”

Conversation mode seems to be the grace of modern poetry to overcome older stilted, inverted expression. It also is a means to hide rhyme from detractors. Conversational is difficult to incorporate, but enhances smooth delivery. I do not consider it a necessity as much as a goal.

Your message is clear regarding a person victoriously changing her resolve from allowing personal abuse. The question is how poetically can the tale be conveyed. For instance, I’ve little sympathy for the person or situation. Another shooting, another grave type news that numbs by frequency. Another naïve person wised up. What is outstanding about your heroin? Why is she important? Should I care?

I avoid deeply entering word selection and phrase suggestions. Other members are better at it.

I agree with you that “hate-filled” is a glitch. “Bitter brawls” brings action and alliteration.

Our overcast sky and cool temperatures are dowsing my mood. I’ll bring a smile next visit.

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

WOW Don.

so much for this lesson you've given me! This is excellent feedback for me to put into place.

'Hail' disgrace is a much better option. I'm also glad you liked bitter brawls - the alliterator in me came out there last night.

I'll be back again (working late here at Bose) - sigh....

Cheers
~Cleo

[Cyn]

Nice job with a tough form
Overall it reads well - a few bumps others have pointed to. Some of it sounds a bit archaic (to force the rhyme) but I find it is very hard to avoid that, and I have tried. I always end up with some type of inversion or too flowery of language.
All in all though this is a great first sonnet. well done Cleo!