Island, revision with help from Ren and Cathy Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

White sandy beaches,
waves were rolling,
a short time ago over the shoals.
Washed away my solitary foot prints from the shores,
as gulls and terns fight over a scrap of jetsam.

What part of life would I be if not a loner,
could you see me washing the streets with rain?
Not I, just as I could not picture the restrictions
of traffic lights on my foot-worn paths.

[duetsdove]

White sandy beaches,
[whose] waves [are] rolling,
[just] a short time ago [they pounded] over the shoals.
{They} Washed away my solitary foot prints from [all] the shores,
where [now] the gulls and terns fight over a scrap of jetsam.


What part of life would I be if not a loner,
Could you see me washing the streets with rain?
not I, just as I could not picture the restrictions
of traffic lights on my foot{-}worn paths.

Love that ending thought. . .the restriction of traffic lights. . .very nice, . .just a coupla cents.

~Ren~

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Steve,

This is a bit sad, the sound of the waves against the shore enhancing the feeling of loneliness.. The image of footprints being washed away as though the person they belonged to never existed is so melancholy.

White sandy beaches,
waves are rolling,
a short time ago over the shoals.
Washed away my solitary foot prints from the shores,
the[as] gulls and terns fight over a scrap of jetsam.

It feels as though there is a mixture of tenses in your first verse. If the waves rolled a short time ago wouldn't that mean 'waves were rolling' instead of 'are rolling'? If present tense then it would be 'waves are rolling over the shoals'. You could avoid the tense altogether and say something like 'waves gently rolling'...

What part of life would I be if not a loner,
Could you see me washing the streets with rain?
not I, just as I could not picture the restrictions
of traffic lights on my foot-worn paths.

If you use a comma after 'loner' I don't think you need a capital 'c' on 'could' at the beginning of the next line. Opposite with the question mark after 'rain'... Capitalize 'not' in line 3. Of course, use or lose as you see fit. *smiles*

Cathy

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Cathy thanks for stopping by and for the critique and kind words.
Steve

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Not a problem Steve! *smiles*

Even though it's a bit sad I enjoyed the imagery it brought to mind! And I'm glad I could offer something useful...

Cathy

[AMETHYST]

Hi Steve,

I enjoyed the depth to this. Although it has a meloncholy feel to it, I didn't find it sad, as much as thought provoking. What I liked was that the narrator is 'showing' aloneness, yet not loneliness. The contemplation of the narrator and his place in the world really sets my mind thinking and connecting the although temporary footsteps we leave while walking in a peaceful place where a state of free will and harmony walks with us, or the havoc and hustle and confined world of chaos.

I began to think of how these comparesons can represent so many aspects of our lives... (linking the walk or path and that which we walk upon to choices we make) our choice of career, even in the poetry we choose to write... I found this opened my mind to many things. To me it offered great metaphorical images for me to comtemplate my own life.

Some thoughts to follow... Thanks for the read!

Best Regards, Liz

White sandy beaches,
waves were rolling,
a short time ago over the shoals.
Washed away my solitary foot prints from the shores,
as gulls and terns fight over a scrap of jetsam.

L2, waves roll (perhaps, which gives it a more active feel)
I wonder if you really need to specify 'a short time ago' in L3.
L4, I would suggest end stopping at solitary to allow the reader a moments pause to reflect on the image of single set of prints, and how the contrast of 'how lonely' it might be while the rest of the world is hustling with thousands of foot'steps' yet, making no prints ... and how the ocean's tide wipes it clean from the shore, as though each new walk is fresh...and on the other side of a coin... how what we have done is quickly washed away leaving no trace of our ever being there...
Good ending Line for S1.



What part of life would I be if not a loner,
could you see me washing the streets with rain?
Not I, just as I could not picture the restrictions
of traffic lights on my foot-worn paths.

Would you consider another alternatives in L1;
Perhaps
What role in life would I play if not a loner,
or
what part of life would I choose if not a loner,
L2, confused me a bit. I am not sure what it refers to, is it metaphorical.... or perhaps...
could you see my tears washing the streets like rain?

I am not sure if that is your intention, I will wait to hear further.

L4 Is excellent. Great ending that leaves the poem complete, but the reader full with their own provocative thoughts.

Good work, Steve...