Within My Reach (Revised Sep 24th), A response to Emily Dickinson Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Note: This was orignally written in December, 2003 and posted in Homers Homilies:
http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=1242

Within My Reach
(response to Emily Dickinson's "Because I Could Not Stop For Death")

I found a place I now call home -
mortality is gone;
I took the path past flowered fields
to glimpse a pristine dawn.

‘Twas there I saw within my reach
a halo - bright and clear,
embedded ‘round the circled light
reflecting in my sphere.

And as I gazed upon its glow
I felt a Guiding Hand
that brought me to a place I've known
within His mighty land.

My Fear has left; I've been set free,
to join my long-lost friends.
The Light has linked my family
in love; there is no end.

Our children play, His Angels teach
Humanity anew;
in Heaven’s hopes and dreams we find
eternal Light renewed.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter
All rights reserved by Lorraine M Kanter as an unpublished work


Original:

I found the place I now call home
mortality is gone.
I took the path past flowered fields
to glimpse a pristine dawn.

‘Twas there I saw, within my reach
a halo, bright and clear.
Embedded ‘round the circled light
reflecting in my sphere.

And as I gazed upon its glow
I felt a guiding hand,
that brought me to a place I've known
within His mighty land.

My Fear has left; I've been set free
to join my long lost friends.
The Light has linked my family
in love, there is no end.

The children play, His Angels teach
Humanity anew,
in Heaven’s hopes and dreams we find
eternal light and trust renewed.

Here is Ms. Dickinson's Poem that I responded to:
Because I could not stop for Death

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.

We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labor, and my leisure too,
For his civility.

We passed the school where children played,
Their lessons scarcely done;
We passed the fields of grazing grain,
We passed the setting sun.

We paused before a house that seemed
A swelling of the ground;
The roof was scarcely visible,
The cornice but a mound.

Since then 't is centuries; but each
Feels shorter than the day
I first surmised the horses' heads
Were toward eternity.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Lori,

This is a beautiful poem. I don't remember seeing it before. It's a great response to ED's poem.

I found the place I now call home I feel there should be a comma or something after 'home'.
mortality is gone.
I took the path past flowered fields
to glimpse a pristine dawn. Pretty imagery!

‘Twas there I saw, within my reach
a halo, bright and clear. The next line feels as though it should be connected to the previous one. Would a semi-colon work instead of an end stop?
Embedded ‘round the circled light
reflecting in my sphere.

And as I gazed upon its glow
I felt a guiding hand,
that brought me to a place I've known
within His mighty land. Such a feeling of comfort and security within this verse...

My Fear has left; I've been set free
to join my long[-]lost friends.
The Light has linked my family
in love, there is no end.

The children play, His Angels teach A descriptive instead of 'The'? Sweet or young or ...
Humanity anew,
in Heaven’s hopes and dreams we find
eternal light and trust renewed. You've gone from 6 syllables to 8 with this line. It reads fine but was wondering if you meant to? What about 'our light and trust renewed' or some such?

He is certainly 'within our reach' isn't He? If we so choose...
Cathy

[Merlin]

Hi Lori,
I don’t do a lot of critique, but since I’ve posted here, I need to give it a whirl. These are my thoughts:

V1L1 – wants a ¾ stop. I lean toward a dash or colon, but at minimum a semicolon.
V1L2 – should you wish to, a semicolon could do that line. Of course, not if L1 is so ended.

V2L1 – that comma seems misplaced; should it be at the end?
‘Twas there I saw within my reach,

V3L2 – actually relates to V5L1. If “angels” get capped, then really “guiding hand” should too. That line should not end in a comma since the clause is non-restrictive… “which” would need a comma.

V4L4 – replace the comma with semicolon; the second phrase stands alone.

V5L1 – as mentioned, the capital angel.
V5L2 – semicolon to separate phrases.

Em might have enjoyed this too.

Merlin

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lori,
Hi Cathy.

This is a beautiful poem. I don't remember seeing it before. It's a great response to ED's poem.
Thank you very much! I wrote it back in 2003, and revised it once in Aug 2004 so it's been 2 years now unedited.

I found the place I now call home I feel there should be a comma or something after 'home'.
mortality is gone.
I took the path past flowered fields
to glimpse a pristine dawn. Pretty imagery!
Yes, I too think I need to work on the punctuation and I see that Eric has also just offered some good tips as well. I simply loved this stanza when it came together and I'm glad you like this imagery too Cathy.

‘Twas there I saw, within my reach
a halo, bright and clear. The next line feels as though it should be connected to the previous one. Would a semi-colon work instead of an end stop?
Embedded ‘round the circled light
reflecting in my sphere.
Yes, I believe your observation has much merit in it Cathy - in fact, I think at one time I DID have a semi-colon there? I'll fix that up pronto!

And as I gazed upon its glow
I felt a guiding hand,
that brought me to a place I've known
within His mighty land. Such a feeling of comfort and security within this verse...
Thanks very much!

My Fear has left; I've been set free
to join my long[-]lost friends.
The Light has linked my family
in love, there is no end.

The children play, His Angels teach A descriptive instead of 'The'? Sweet or young or ...
Humanity anew,
in Heaven’s hopes and dreams we find
eternal light and trust renewed. You've gone from 6 syllables to 8 with this line. It reads fine but was wondering if you meant to? What about 'our light and trust renewed' or some such?
OOPS! Well, that will need fixing! maybe just 'eternal light renewed' will work? As for the children, I don't want to restrict it to one image (young, sweet, but will think on this).

He is certainly 'within our reach' isn't He? If we so choose...
Cathy[/b]

Yeppers, it's all how one looks at things. Thanks Cathy - you've given me more to digest for the next revision!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Eric.

Hi Lori,
I don’t do a lot of critique, but since I’ve posted here, I need to give it a whirl. These are my thoughts:

V1L1 – wants a ¾ stop. I lean toward a dash or colon, but at minimum a semicolon.
Thank you, I agree - I will put a dash there and see how it looks.

V1L2 – should you wish to, a semicolon could do that line. Of course, not if L1 is so ended.
Semi-colon it is - thanks again!

V2L1 – that comma seems misplaced; should it be at the end?
‘Twas there I saw within my reach,
Hmmm - I don't think I need it at all in that line?

V3L2 – actually relates to V5L1. If “angels” get capped, then really “guiding hand” should too. That line should not end in a comma since the clause is non-restrictive… “which” would need a comma.
Yes, you are correct, I need to capitalize it and will do so. That comma is outa here too, TY!

V4L4 – replace the comma with semicolon; the second phrase stands alone.
Thanks again! So done.

V5L1 – as mentioned, the capital angel.
Shouldn't it remain a capital?

V5L2 – semicolon to separate phrases.
Em might have enjoyed this too.

Merlin

Thanks so much for your PP's Eric and your compliment on EM.
I'll make the changes now. Always a pleasure to interact with you.

Cheers
~Cleo

[JustDaniel]

I see that you're very much at home with Auntie Em, Lori.

Within My Reach
(response to Emily Dickinson's "Because I Could Not Stop For Death")

I found the place I now call home -
mortality is gone;
I took the path past flowered fields
to glimpse a pristine dawn.

‘Twas there I saw within my reach
a halo, bright and clear( ; )
[ What follows is not an independent clause, so I think you merely need a comma here... and I keep wanting to read 'with circled light' ? ]
embedded ‘round the circled light
reflecting in my sphere.

And as I gazed upon its glow
I felt a Guiding Hand
that brought me to a place I've known
within His mighty land.

My Fear has left; I've been set free
to join my long-lost friends.
The Light has linked my family
in love; there is no end.

Our children play, His Angels teach
[ Technically, this is a run-on; but I think you have a poetic series (for lack of a better term) here, such that "and" is understood ? ]
Humanity anew;
in Heaven’s hopes and dreams we find
eternal light renewed.

Auntie would be proud, Lori. Your revision mirrors her piece rather warmly and wonderfully.

deLightingly, MLee Dickens'son

[JLY]

Lori,
A very reassuring, comforting rendering.....

Within My Reach
(response to Emily Dickinson's "Because I Could Not Stop For Death")

I found the place I now call home -
mortality is gone;
I took the path past flowered fields
to glimpse a pristine dawn.

‘Twas there I saw within my reach
a halo, bright and clear;
embedded ‘round the circled light
reflecting in my sphere.

And as I gazed upon its glow
I felt a Guiding Hand
that brought me to a place I've known
within His [al]mighty land.

My Fear has left; I've been set free[,]
to join my long-lost friends.
The Light has linked my family
in love; there is no end.

Our children play, His Angels teach
Humanity anew;
in [dreams we find] Heaven’s hopes[']
eternal light renewed.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter


An uplifting piece with a spiritually, strong message.

JLY

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Lori ... A very fine reply to Ms Dickensons poem I enjoyed reading it and after all the other critiques the only thing I find to comment on is

And as I gazed upon its glow
I felt a Guiding Hand
that brought me to a place ( I've known) I keep wanting to read it as [ I know] Just my two cents,,, use or lose.
within His mighty land.

again thanks for a great read.
Steve

[Cleo_Serapis]

I see that you're very much at home with Auntie Em, Lori.
Hello Daniel - I have enjoyed tweaking this poem while following Em's theme and pattern so I would agree with you - TY!

‘Twas there I saw within my reach
a halo, bright and clear( ; )
[ What follows is not an independent clause, so I think you merely need a comma here... and I keep wanting to read 'with circled light' ? ]
embedded ‘round the circled light
reflecting in my sphere.
I have edited the semi-colon to a comma and also changed the comma after halo to a dash. As for 'with' circled light' you could say that too, but I meant 'round the circled light.

Our children play, His Angels teach
[ Technically, this is a run-on; but I think you have a poetic series (for lack of a better term) here, such that "and" is understood ? ]
Humanity anew;
in Heaven’s hopes and dreams we find
eternal light renewed.

Yes, I think so in this case.

Auntie would be proud, Lori. Your revision mirrors her piece rather warmly and wonderfully.

deLightingly, MLee Dickens'son

Thanks so much Daniel!

Cheers
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Lori,
A very reassuring, comforting rendering.....
Hello John and thanks very much! I'm glad you found my response a comforting one.

And as I gazed upon its glow
I felt a Guiding Hand
that brought me to a place I've known
within His [al]mighty land.
I need to keep it to 6 beats in L4 but do like your suggestion.

Our children play, His Angels teach
Humanity anew;
in [dreams we find] Heaven’s hopes[']
eternal light renewed.
Again - in this line I need to keep it to 6 beats, but admire your suggestion John.

An uplifting piece with a spiritually, strong message.

JLY

Thanks so much! I value your opinion highly with spiritual matters John.

HUGS
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Lori ... A very fine reply to Ms Dickensons poem I enjoyed reading it and after all the other critiques the only thing I find to comment on is

And as I gazed upon its glow
I felt a Guiding Hand
that brought me to a place ( I've known) I keep wanting to read it as [ I know] Just my two cents,,, use or lose.
within His mighty land.

again thanks for a great read.
Steve

Hello Steve.

Thank you very much!

I will keep your suggested change in mind.

TTFN
~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Hi Lori,

I am shocked I hadn't posted my comments to this. I know I read it and made several notes... Just wondering if old age caught up with me and I might have thought I did and didn't. Apologies!

You've received some excellent feedback and revisions have been well worth the post. I haven't had the opportunity to reread through the others comments so forgive me if I repeat or sound like an idiot...

First I wanted to commend you on the response poem. Your piece, to my ear, is more pleasing than Emily's... and I think a lot of her work...

Let's see what I can offer...


Hugs, Liz

Within My Reach
(response to Emily Dickinson's "Because I Could Not Stop For Death")

I found the place I now call home -
mortality is gone;
I took the path past flowered fields
to glimpse a pristine dawn.

Suggest 'a place' instead of the place' or in line switch 'the path' to a path' The visual images you've presented are the hook for me. The alliteration is smooth and unforced, place/path/past/pristine all blend nicely and still each hold an important point within the meaning of the poem. Nice work.

‘Twas there I saw within my reach
a halo - bright and clear,
embedded ‘round the circled light
reflecting in my sphere.

Not a nit here... excellent visuals, that are continuous to lend the reader a sharp and crisp scene in their minds, that also maintains a clear focus on intent.

And as I gazed upon its glow
I felt a Guiding Hand
that brought me to a place I've known
within His mighty land.

My Fear has left; I've been set free,
to join my long-lost friends.
The Light has linked my family
in love; there is no end.

Our children play, His Angels teach
Humanity anew;
in Heaven’s hopes and dreams we find
eternal light renewed.

you Know Lori, I have read, and reread this several times and I love every word as it is... The only real nit I can offer is in the first stanza, and even that is too minor to really consider.

Hugs, Liz

I would send this to several of the Christian or other family magazines.. that would be interested. Let' me take a look in the Poet's market Book and see what mags are accepting and when...

Will PM you!

Hugs, Liz

[JustDaniel]

uh... uh...

I think that Liz is onto something with the 'a' replacements; they would really improve the flow of your alliteration.

Other than that, Lori...

MLee Dickens'son approves!

Lightly, Daniel

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Liz.

Sorry for my delay in responding to your feedback.

Hi Lori,

I am shocked I hadn't posted my comments to this. I know I read it and made several notes... Just wondering if old age caught up with me and I might have thought I did and didn't. Apologies!
No worries - and BTW, you are NOT old!

You've received some excellent feedback and revisions have been well worth the post. I haven't had the opportunity to reread through the others comments so forgive me if I repeat or sound like an idiot...
First I wanted to commend you on the response poem. Your piece, to my ear, is more pleasing than Emily's... and I think a lot of her work...
I am very flattered! Thank you very much!

Let's see what I can offer...

I found the place I now call home -
mortality is gone;
I took the path past flowered fields
to glimpse a pristine dawn.

Suggest 'a place' instead of 'the place' or in line switch 'the path' to 'a path' The visual images you've presented are the hook for me. The alliteration is smooth and unforced, place/path/past/pristine all blend nicely and still each hold an important point within the meaning of the poem. Nice work.
Yes, I see what you mean - thank you - I will edit the revision once I've posted this response. Yes, each word has special meaning to me and I'm glad it worked and is pleasing to you.

‘Twas there I saw within my reach
a halo - bright and clear,
embedded ‘round the circled light
reflecting in my sphere.

Not a nit here... excellent visuals, that are continuous to lend the reader a sharp and crisp scene in their minds, that also maintains a clear focus on intent.

you Know Lori, I have read, and reread this several times and I love every word as it is... The only real nit I can offer is in the first stanza, and even that is too minor to really consider.

I would send this to several of the Christian or other family magazines.. that would be interested. Let' me take a look in the Poet's market Book and see what mags are accepting and when...

Will PM you!

Hugs, Liz

I have never think of sending my work to magazines (never have), but you might hae nudged me a tad to consider this suggestion more carefully. Please let me know if you should find any referrals.

Thanks bunches!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

uh... uh...

I think that Liz is onto something with the 'a' replacements; they would really improve the flow of your alliteration.

Other than that, Lori...

MLee Dickens'son approves!

Lightly, Daniel

Hello Daniel.

So sorry for my delay to your post as well!

I think I'm going to change the first line and keep the second one as 'the path' to symbolize a specifically chosen one there.

Revision coming up!

Thankies!
~Cleo

[JustDaniel]

Excellent, Lori...

My only thought now is that since you've capitalized Fear, Humanity, Heaven, and Guiding Hand, it seems to me that certainly your last line's Light might shine better with one too?

in Light of continuity, Daniel

[Cleo_Serapis]

Excellent, Lori...

My only thought now is that since you've capitalized Fear, Humanity, Heaven, and Guiding Hand, it seems to me that certainly your last line's Light might shine better with one too?

in Light of continuity, Daniel

Thanks Daniel.

Yes, I agree and have made the edit.

Thankies.
~Cleo

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Lori,

Well done revision! The meter couldn't be better IMO.

Our children play, His Angels teach
Humanity anew;
in Heaven’s hopes and dreams we find
eternal Light renewed.

I think I like this verse the best. It's like the Light at the end of the tunnel. There is always hope!

Cathy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thank you Cathy!

One must have hope I believe. Yes, a two-fold ending.

Cheers
~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Revisions are outstanding... I will be looking through my Poet's market book for some possibilities...

I really think there are several of your poems you should consider sending out... can't hurt!


Hugs, Liz