Fire Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Revised thanks to Nina

In heat, smoke and light,
fire becomes an unnatural beast,
clawing its way from the womb;
bursting to life
with a crackle that rises to a roar;
changing everything in a magificent instant;
slithering, sliding its way over wood;
staining what was clean and bright,
with black and powerful fingers of flame.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
original

Fire became in heat , smoke and light,
an unnatural beast clawing its way from the womb.
It burst to life with a crackle that rose to a roar.
Changing everything in a magnificent instant.
Slithering, sliding its way over wood;
Scouring what was clean and bright,
With black and powerful fingers of flame.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Steve

Fire is a powerful element which can be both friend and enemy.

A few thoughts, take or leave as you wish. I'd suggest putting it into the present tense.

[add] {delete} comment

{Fire became} {i}[I]n heat , smoke and light,[fire becomes]
an unnatural beast clawing its way from the womb{.}[;] ..excellent image
{It} burst[ing] to life with a crackle that {rose}[rises] to a roar.
Changing everything in a magnificent instant.
Slithering, sliding its way over wood;
Scouring what was clean and bright,
With black and powerful fingers of flame.

Thus

In heat, smoke and light,
fire becomes an unnatural beast,
clawing its way from the womb;
bursting to life
with a cackle that rises to a roar;
changing everything in a magificent instant;
slithering, sliding its way over wood;
scouring what was clean and bright,
with black and powerful fingers of flame.

[Merlin]

Hi Steve,

I only read the revision, which works well for me.
I'd suggest losing that comma in the 2nd last line, but it's not serious.

Well done.

Merlin

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Thanks for reading and commenting Nina and Merlin
Steve

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Steve!

This kinda changes the way one might look at a campfire ... LOL

In heat, smoke and light,
fire becomes an unnatural beast,
clawing its way from the womb;
bursting to life
with a cackle that rises to a roar; I keep wanting to say 'crackle' instead of 'cackle'. Cackle makes me think of a witch. *smiles*

changing everything in a mag[n]ificent instant;
slithering{, sliding} its way over wood; IMO 'slithering' and 'sliding' mean about the same thing.

scouring what was clean and bright, Doesn't 'scouring' mean cleaning? Since it was ONCE clean and bright (indicating it isn't anymore) wouldn't something like 'darkening' or 'staining' (something along that line) work better?
with black and powerful fingers of flame.

Just some thoughts that came to mind as I was reading. Ignore them if you don't agree or use what you like.

Cathy

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Cathy thanks for the catch on Crackle that is what it should be; and i see what you mean about the scouringwill change that too..Thanks for the comments and for reading. As for the slithering and sliding not sure what else to put to give me the alliteration of s sounds so that the fire seems like a snake crawling along the wood.
Steve

[Maggie]

Hi Oh Steve,

I think this is a very powerful poem with very well-chosen words and great metaphors-beast, snake, fingers! I enjoyed the read.

Peggy

[Cybele]

Hello Steve,

Very good description of the total destruction caused by fire. (Prometheus has a lot to answer for. )

Only one comment Steve

slithering, sliding its way over wood;

I realize what you are saying here, but it gives the impression of slow movement and fire spreads at a very fast rate.

perhaps

licking and leaping its way over wood.

Just a thought. Thanks for the read.

[Guest_metaphorical one_*]

this is my first time replying here, hope I get it right


Loved the revision! great metaphors (I'm a fan, hence my user name!) and great imagery, you can see/hear/feel/smell the fire

[Peterpan]

Hello Steve~

I think your revision is very good and your fire is real. But, I felt I was left waiting for something more to happen. The fire is still blazing as indicated by your final line and fires do often as a rule die down unless fueled or fed. Can you write more? Another stanza? With a conclusion? Of course it is your poem and you are entitled to write as you wish and feel. I just wanted to give you an alternative opinion and encouragement to write more on the interesting element.

Let me know how you feel.

PP

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Steve.

I enjoyed your descriptive piece on FIRE. I've noted some punctuation changes below for you to ponder.

Cheers!
~Cleo

[+] {-}

In heat{, smoke} and light,
fire becomes an unnatural beast{,}
clawing its way from the womb{;}[.]
[It] burst{ing}[s] to life
with a crackle[,] {that} [then] rises to a roar{;} (suggest 'maturity' in place of roar)
changing everything in {a} [one] magificent instant{;}[…] (Typo: magnificent)
slithering, sliding its way over wood;
staining what was clean and bright{,}
with black and powerful fingers of flame.

Without the notes:

In heat and light,
fire becomes an unnatural beast
clawing its way from the womb.
It bursts to life with a crackle,
then rises to maturity
changing everything
in one magnificent instant…
slithering, sliding its way over wood;
staining what was clean and bright
with black and powerful fingers of flame.