A Visitation to Valor ~ revised 09 Apr, an oldie from Homer's Homiles Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello.
This is an oldie that I wrote a few years ago, posted in Homer's Homiles originally. I was hoping to get some new ideas on it.
Thank you!



Revision 1 - 09 Apr 2006 (Thanks Nina, Cathy & Sylvia)
A Visitation to Valor

Sunset breezes calm
chaotic surroundings.

In my outdoor haven,
nature’s melodies enhance
a visitation to valor.

Drifting on clouds of
my own creation,
I succumb willingly to  
dulcet daydreams.

~     ~     ~     ~

The drawbridge lowers,
welcoming citizens
to the king’s castle.

Oak-smoked aromas
tantalize a ravenous
convergence of Knights.

Fair maidens flirt
flamboyantly, eager
to mesmerize a
prospective partner.

Flutes flutter and
drums dance to
renaissance rhythms.

“Would you care to
dance, m'lady?” asks
the victor of the joust.

Elated, I reply,
“It would be my
honor, good
Sir Knight.”

I close my eyes to
carry on this wistful
reverie and smile.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Original:

Sunset breezes calm
chaotic surroundings.

In my outdoor haven,
nature’s melodies enhance
a visitation to valor.

Drifting on clouds of
my own creation,
I succumb willingly to  
welcome daydreams.

 ~     ~     ~     ~

The drawbridge lowers
welcoming citizens
to the king’s castle.

Oak-smoked aromas
tantalize a ravenous
convergence of Knights.

Fair maidens flirt
flamboyantly, eager
to mesmerize a
prospect pairing.

Flutes flutter and
drums dance to
renaissance rhythms.

“Would you care to
dance, m'lady?” asks
the victorious champion.

Elated, I reply,
“It would be my
honor, kind
Sir Knight.”

I close my eyes to
carry on this wistful
reverie and smile.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

It's a good idea to resurrect an old poem from Homer's  as many including myself haven't seen it.  A warm romantic daydream.

A few thoughts:

A Visitation to Valor

Sunset breezes calm
chaotic surroundings.

In my outdoor haven,
nature’s melodies enhance
a visitation to valor.  ..is valor a place?  If yes, then it needs a capital V

Drifting on [imagination's] clouds {of
my own creation},
I succumb willingly to  
{welcome} daydreams.  ..you use welcoming further down and I don't think this one is necessary following from willingly

~     ~     ~     ~

The drawbridge lowers
welcoming citizens
to the king’s castle.

Oak-smoked aromas
tantalize a ravenous
convergence of Knights.  ..I like ravenous convergence

Fair maidens flirt
flamboyantly, eager  ...good alliteration
to mesmerize a
prospect[ive] {pairing}[partner].

Flutes flutter and
drums dance to
renaissance rhythms.   ...good alliteration again

“Would you care to
dance, m'lady?” asks
the victorious champion.

Elated, I reply,
“It would be my
honor, {kind}[good]
Sir Knight.”

I close my eyes to
carry on this wistful
reverie and smile.


Thanks for the read

Nina

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Lori, a warm romantic fantasy, Seems like the only place those Knights ever got was having the damsel swoon in their arms. its a wonder there were any children at all...this said with tounge firmly in cheek of course...LOL...good write great read.
Steve

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Lori,

I'd never seen this one before so I'm glad I found it now.  It's a very pleasant journey into the time of Knights and Ladies.

Sunset breezes calm
chaotic surroundings.

In my outdoor haven,
nature’s melodies enhance
a visitation to valor.

Drifting on clouds of
my own creation,
I succumb willingly to  
welcome daydreams. Maybe 'dulcet daydreams'?  It would add to the alliteration and avoid a second use of 'welcome'.

~     ~     ~     ~

The drawbridge lowers
welcoming citizens
to the king’s castle. Maybe it's just me but when I read this I first got an image of people clinging to the drawbridge as it was being lowered.  Should there be a comma after 'lowers'?

Oak-smoked aromas
tantalize a ravenous
convergence of Knights.  I like the 'ravenous convergence' ...

Fair maidens flirt
flamboyantly, eager
to mesmerize a
prospect pairing.

Flutes flutter and
drums dance to
renaissance rhythms.

“Would you care to
dance, m'lady?” asks
the victorious champion.

Elated, I reply,
“It would be my
honor, kind
Sir Knight.”

I close my eyes to
carry on this wistful
reverie and smile.

A pleasant way to start the day.  *smiles*

Cathy

[Psyche]

Hi Lori !  :sun:

Ahhh, thanks for the midday daydream ! I'd appreciate a loan of the Knight for a while...  :blush:     I guess I'd just faint in his arms....haha...  :speechless:

Drifting on clouds of
my own creation,
I succumb willingly to  
{welcome} daydreams

Yes, there's a little problem here, easily fixed. I like Cathy's suggestion of "dulcet". It goes with the mood and style, as well as being a good alliteration.

The drawbridge lowers
welcoming citizens
to the king’s castle.

Here, too, there's a bit of a mixup. Do you mean that the King's citizens are on the drawbridge, welcoming you? Supposedly, it's a walled city with moat and drawbridge? Or is only the king's castle surrounded by a moat? And you are among the citizens being welcomed? In this last case, you would need a comma after lowers. Anyway, it's a little confusing....  :rock:

I love S5 !!!

Fair maidens flirt
flamboyantly, eager
to mesmerize a
prospect pairing.

This one's lovely too, but I don't think one can mesmerize a "prospect pairing".
Maybe "eager to mesmerize
           a pairing Knight,
           to wed, perchance?"

“Would you care to
dance, m'lady?” asks
the victorious champion.

This is wonderful, but, save for a mention of "valor" higher up, we don't know really why he's a "victorious champion". Maybe when you say "pairing" higher up, you refer to the knights pairing in sword fights? But it's not very clear...  :oops:

Elated, I reply,
“It would be my
honor, kind
Sir Knight.”

I close my eyes to
carry on this wistful
reverie and smile

Just LOVE these two stanzas... ahh, to dream all day, perchance? haha....  :cloud9:

Please throw out my suggestions at will !! I often have brain fog...  :blush:

Hugs,
Sylvia  :butterfly:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lori

Thanks for the read

Nina

Hello Nina.  :gardener:

It's a good idea to resurrect an old poem from Homer's  as many including myself haven't seen it.  A warm romantic daydream.

Yes, I've also done a similar thing with an Easter poem and an old Pandora piece this weekend. I've also been looking at a few micro-stories too that are very old and need some tweaking. My mind is otherwise occupied so at least if I can coax my muse into revisions, that is a start.  :butterfly:

In my outdoor haven,
nature’s melodies enhance
a visitation to valor.  ..is valor a place?  If yes, then it needs a capital V

No, in my mind when I wrote this, I was thinking of 'valor' more like a possessive noun to mean - a visit to gallantry/spirit/heroism. I think I could capitalize it but it is not meant to be a specific place.

Drifting on [imagination's] clouds {of
my own creation},
I succumb willingly to  
{welcome} daydreams.  ..you use welcoming further down and I don't think this one is necessary following from willingly

I agree Nina on 'welcome'. However, I like the alliteration of 'clouds + creation'.

Oak-smoked aromas
tantalize a ravenous
convergence of Knights.  ..I like ravenous convergence

Thanks Nina.  :cloud9:

Fair maidens flirt
flamboyantly, eager  ...good alliteration
to mesmerize a
prospect[ive] {pairing}[partner].

Hmmmm - That might work! TY!  :tropicalfish:

Flutes flutter and
drums dance to
renaissance rhythms.   ...good alliteration again

Thanks again Nina!  :cloud9:

Elated, I reply,
“It would be my
honor, {kind}[good]
Sir Knight.”

Hmmm - that could work too.  :rose:

Thanks Nina. I'll read over the next few comments and post a revision ASAP.

HUGS
~Cleo  :lovie:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Lori, a warm romantic fantasy, Seems like the only place those Knights ever got was having the damsel swoon in their arms. its a wonder there were any children at all...this said with tounge firmly in cheek of course...LOL...good write great read.
Steve

Hello Steve.  :aragorn:

Thanks - I wanted to revisit this oldie and I was in that type of mood so I'm glad you approve of the re-posting.  :arwen:

The old damsel in distress eh? Hey - don't knock it till you try it!  :grinning:

Thanks for stopping by!
~Cleo  :ballet:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lori,

A pleasant way to start the day.  *smiles*

Cathy

Hi Cathy.  :arwen:

I'd never seen this one before so I'm glad I found it now.  It's a very pleasant journey into the time of Knights and Ladies.

Thanks - yes, I was in the type of mood to draw upon another time and place and this one was whispering ' revise me' in my ear, so....  :princess:

Drifting on clouds of
my own creation,
I succumb willingly to  
welcome daydreams. Maybe 'dulcet daydreams'?  It would add to the alliteration and avoid a second use of 'welcome'.

Ohhh - I LOVE that suggestion Cathy! Will use in revision. TY!  :rose:

The drawbridge lowers
welcoming citizens
to the king’s castle. Maybe it's just me but when I read this I first got an image of people clinging to the drawbridge as it was being lowered.  Should there be a comma after 'lowers'?

YES - I WILL add that comma - yikes!  :oops:  :upside:

Oak-smoked aromas
tantalize a ravenous
convergence of Knights.  I like the 'ravenous convergence' ...

Thanks - I spend a bit of time on this stanza when I first penned this one and I'm happy to hear that others enjoy this line too.  :mm:

Thanks Cathy for your ideas - they will be incorporated into my revision.

Cheers!
~Cleo  :sunny:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lori !  

Elated, I reply,
“It would be my
honor, kind
Sir Knight.”

I close my eyes to
carry on this wistful
reverie and smile

Just LOVE these two stanzas... ahh, to dream all day, perchance? haha....  

THANKS SYLVIA!

Please throw out my suggestions at will !! I often have brain fog...  

Hugs,
Sylvia  

Hi Sylvia.

Ahhh, thanks for the midday daydream ! I'd appreciate a loan of the Knight for a while...  :blush:     I guess I'd just faint in his arms....haha...  :speechless:

Drifting on clouds of
my own creation,
I succumb willingly to  
{welcome} daydreams

Yes, there's a little problem here, easily fixed. I like Cathy's suggestion of "dulcet". It goes with the mood and style, as well as being a good alliteration.

You can certainly 'borrow' the Knight anytime you wish. I also like Cathy's suggestion and so it will be edited.  :sun:

The drawbridge lowers
welcoming citizens
to the king’s castle.

Here, too, there's a bit of a mixup. Do you mean that the King's citizens are on the drawbridge, welcoming you? Supposedly, it's a walled city with moat and drawbridge? Or is only the king's castle surrounded by a moat? And you are among the citizens being welcomed? In this last case, you would need a comma after lowers. Anyway, it's a little confusing....  :rock:

Oh yes- it would be surrounded by a moat - I will add a comma after lowers. Yes - I am among the citizens awaiting entrance to the party.

I love S5 !!!

Thanks Sylvia - that's 3 for 3...  :pharoah2

Fair maidens flirt
flamboyantly, eager
to mesmerize a
prospect pairing.

This one's lovely too, but I don't think one can mesmerize a "prospect pairing".
Maybe "eager to mesmerize
           a pairing Knight,
           to wed, perchance?"

Hmmm - I think for now I will use 'prospective pairing'...

“Would you care to
dance, m'lady?” asks
the victorious champion.

This is wonderful, but, save for a mention of "valor" higher up, we don't know really why he's a "victorious champion". Maybe when you say "pairing" higher up, you refer to the knights pairing in sword fights? But it's not very clear...  :oops:

In an earlier version, I had: victor of the joust and then changed it to victorious champion - I will think on this...

Glad you stopped by and offered some more ideas for me to ponder.

Cheers!
~Cleo  :princess: