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> Lip-Smacking Delight
JLY
post Nov 10 05, 06:45
Post #1


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Joined: 31-October 03
From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr



1st Revision: 11/11 PM


LIP-SMACKING DELIGHT

Tasty and refreshing
as summer’s breeze,
savoring quickly
induces brain freeze.

Thick and soothing
as orange smoothie,
relishing flavors
makes me feel groovy.

Delicious and tempting
as a beguiling beauty,
devouring its core
smacks oh so fruity.

Soft and sweet
as freshly whipped cream,
gorging calories
goes to extreme.

Zesty and exhilarating
as my lover’s smile,
eating ice cream
never goes out of style.





LIP-SMACKING DELIGHT

Tasty and refreshing
as a summer’s breeze,
savoring it quickly
induces brain freeze.

Thick and soothing
as an orange smoothie,
relishing its flavors
makes me feel groovy.

Delicious and tempting
as a beguiling beauty,
devouring its core
smacks oh so fruity.

Soft and sweet
as freshly whipped cream,
gorging its calories
goes to the extreme.

Zesty and exhilarating
as my lover’s smile,
eating ice cream
never goes out of style.






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Guest_Cathy_*
post Nov 11 05, 08:46
Post #2





Guest






Hi John,

Boy does this bring back some memories from childhood!
As the oldest, I had to watch my brother and sisters so
we'd all hold hands and walk to the corner where we could
get the best soft-serve ice cream!  Course by the time we
got home it was starting to melt but we didn't care!  lol

Suggestions: feel free to ignore! *smiles*
{omit}[add]

Tasty and refreshing
as {a} summer’s breeze,
savoring {it} quickly  I'm not sure why but 'it' feels out
of place to me.

induces brain freeze.

Thick and soothing
as {an} orange smoothie,
relishing {its} flavors  Same thing here ...
makes me feel groovy. That's a word I haven't heard
in a while!  lol


Delicious and tempting
as a beguiling beauty,
devouring its core
smacks oh so fruity.

Soft and sweet
as freshly whipped cream,
gorging its calories
goes to {the} extreme. I think you could do without 'the'

Zesty and exhilarating
as my lover’s smile,
eating ice cream
never goes out of style.

I think those are all words that you don't really need and I'm hoping
it smoothed out the flow a bit.  You are free to use or lose any of
the suggestions of course.   grinning.gif

Thanks for the pleasant memory!

Cathy odie.gif
 
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JLY
post Nov 11 05, 09:01
Post #3


Ornate Oracle
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Group: Centurion
Posts: 4,592
Joined: 31-October 03
From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr



Cathy,
This was a light-hearted endeavor and fun to write.  You have come to know my style by now and I usually always start off with too many words; I look to my MM counterparts to steer me in the right direction.
You have given me some great feedback.
Thanks,
JLY


·······IPB·······

Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!


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Guest_Cathy_*
post Nov 11 05, 11:18
Post #4





Guest






Hi John,

This was a light-hearted endeavor and fun to write.

Did writing about it make you hungry, cause I know that reading it did!  lol  

You have come to know my style by now and I usually always start off with too many words; I look to my MM counterparts to steer me in the right direction.

As do I!  lol  I think I'm getting a little better but I have room for improvement.   Oo.gif  :jester:

You have given me some great feedback.

Glad to help!  :xmas:

Thanks,

Your welcome!

Cathy
Reindeer.gif
 
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Guest_Nina_*
post Nov 11 05, 13:55
Post #5





Guest






Hi John

Oh how I wish I had a magnum ice cream in the fridge now.  Will have to wait till I go shopping tomorrow.

I agree with Cathy's advice to lose it and its in the first two verses.  I would also do the same in this verse.

Soft and sweet
as freshly whipped cream,
gorging {its} calories
goes to {the} extreme

Thanks for the read

Nina
 
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JLY
post Nov 11 05, 14:00
Post #6


Ornate Oracle
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Group: Centurion
Posts: 4,592
Joined: 31-October 03
From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr



Nina,
Thanks; after reading your comments, I can see where it is not necessary in this particular poem.
I will make some changes shortly.
JLY


·······IPB·······

Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!


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Guest_Toumai_*
post Nov 15 05, 14:17
Post #7





Guest






Hi John,

A very tasty treat! Gorging calories definitely extreme for this temptation. (Luckily I have just had dinner so I am not drooling on my keyboard, lol)

Fun and lighthearted - just wish we had the weather to do it service now.

Fran
 
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JLY
post Nov 15 05, 14:32
Post #8


Ornate Oracle
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Group: Centurion
Posts: 4,592
Joined: 31-October 03
From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr



Fran,
Ice cream is delightful any time of the year; don't let the weather interfere with you sweet tooth cravings.
JLY


·······IPB·······

Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!


MM Award Winner
 
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