Exasperated Options

[JLY]

1st Revision: 11/14 am:

EXASPERATED

Searched for a rainbow,
found a lump of coal.
Wished for a pony,
got a broken fishing pole.

Tried out for football,
never made the team.
Hoped to catch the spotlight
never felt its warming gleam.

Dreamed of a lovely woman,
dated a conniving witch.
Desired a night of passion,
came home with a nasty itch.

Bought my first new car,
had it stolen in just a week.
Discovered water in my TV.,
when my roof began leak.

Traveled congested roadways,
gagged me with aggression.
Prescribed tranquilizing drugs
masked sources of my depression.

Changed my way of thinking,
slowed down my daily grind.
Rejection of wistful, lofty goals,
brought me peace of mind.

EXASPERATED

Searched for a rainbow,
found a lump of coal.
Wished for a pony,
got a broken fishing pole.

Tried out for football,
never made the team.
Hoped to capture the spotlight
never felt its warm gleam.

Dreamed of a lovely woman,
dated a conniving  witch.
Desired a night of passion,
came home with a nasty itch.

Bought my first new car,
was stolen in just a week.
Discovered water in my TV.,
realized my roof has a leak.

Traveled in congested traffic
consumed me with aggression.
Prescribed tranquilizing drugs
masked sources of my depression.

Changed my way of thinking,
slowed down my daily grind.
Rejected unrealistic, lofty goals,
brought me peace of mind.

[Guest_Don_*]

I'll let someone else nit.  I enjoyed the ride.


Don

[jgdittier]

Dear JLY,
I like the way the style fits the message. Terse, to the point, unlike prose with its abundance of connectives.
One can sense the frustration through the short lines suggesting that additional words would not be justified by the results of the efforts.
Yet the joy of the piece is in those last two lines which silences the basso for the tenor!
Cheers,   Ron   jgd

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi John

I enjoyed this poem.  I like your last two lines, very true.  We would all be a lot happier if we didn't stress out, trying to aim higher than is achievable because giving ourselves unrealistic goals we are setting ourselves up for failure.

Nina

[JLY]

Ron,
It's a fictional piece but I tried to incorporate frustrations at every stage of life: youth, teenage, young adult, etc. Most of the time I tend to use too many words; on this particular poem I tried to go against my style and use the fewes I could.
Thanks for stopping by.
JLY

[JLY]

Don,
Thanks; I tried to write about frustrations that a lot of us can identify with.
JLY

[JLY]

Nina,
Oftentimes we really don't learn the message of the last two lines until we are much older.  
Thanks for your comments.
JLY

[Guest_Maxim_*]

Hi JLY

I too 'enjoyed' your woe - I like what you've have here. I agree that your style has really given this topic the right flavour with great touches of pathos, stress and humour.

I have a few suggestions which for me would smooth the rhythm a bit. But I am no expert and am going by my ear which may hear things differently from yours so please use or ignore as siuts you.

EXASPERATED

Searched for a rainbow,
found a lump of coal.
Wished for a pony,
got a broken fishing pole.

Tried out for football,
never made the team.
Hoped to capture the spotlight  Hoped to catch the spotlight
never felt its warm gleam.  not felt its warming gleam

Dreamed of a lovely woman,
dated a conniving  witch.  met a cunning  witch.
Desired a night of passion,
came home with a nasty itch.   acquired a nasty itch.

Bought my first new car,  Saved and bought my first car,
was stolen in just a week.   had it stolen in a week.
Discovered water in my TV.,
realized my roof has a leak.    when my roof began to leak

Traveled in congested traffic    Travelling in congested traffic
consumed me with aggression.
Prescribed tranquilizing drugs
masked sources of my depression.   just masking my depression.

Changed my way of thinking,
slowed down my daily grind.
Rejected unrealistic, lofty goals,    Rejected unreal/wistful, lofty goals,
brought me peace of mind.   which brought me peace of mind.

I do not think that too 'smooth' a flow would suit your topic and style but I hope that with these suggestions may be useful. As already said these are based on my far-from-perfect ear and you should rely on your ear in deciding if they are worth considering.

Thanks for a very enjoyable read.

MaXiM

[JLY]

Maxim,
I really like what you have offered me....many of your changes seem to be right on target and they do smooth out the flow a bit better.
Many thanks for your helpful suggestions.
JLY

[Merlin]

Hi JLY,

I sure hope you didn't forget any  like

Walked a silent pathway,
Fell and broke my toe...


Isn't it the way things go.  However, often it's what we make it, or allow it to be made.  We get caught in the tempo and just keep running.  Me?  I refuse to get a cell phone, and don't have cablevision.  Life goes on.

I'd like to suggest different wording for the traffic line, near the bottom.  Traveled in congested traffic.  You don't need the word "traffic" for rhyming purposes, so why not Traveled jam-packed roadways, gagged me with aggresion... os similar.

Time for a stroll in the park!

Merlin

[JLY]

Merlin,
Your suggestion is a great one. Thanks....and by the way....2 weeks ago I was walking down the stairs at 5:30am; tripped and fell and broke one finger and two toes.
Have a great day.
JLY