Footsteps, Quatern Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Footsteps ~ Quatern

The castle hints of days enshrined,
of haunted halls that lead to tales
of stallion-seated silvered knight
and maiden's tryst in yonder vale.

Ascending many age-worn steps
the castle hints of days enshrined,
when hearing soft and slippered sound
of footsteps just ahead of mine.

A youthful pair had lived and loved
within these stones, now grey and dim;
the castle hints of days enshrined,
when she chose not to marry him.

Now gone such youths and flights of love,
yet dreams of knights still fill my mind.
How fleet the footsteps of lost time,
when castles hint of days enshrined.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Nov2005

S1L3 - armored to silvered
repeat line - tells to hints
S1L4 - and maiden veiled in bright moonlight
(required rhyme scheme was missing)
S2L1 - ascending many broken steps
S3L1 - The to A
S4L1 - Now gone their youth and flight of love

[JLY]

Cathy,
A nice medieval tale.

One line makes me ponder:
stallion-seated armored knight

somehow I think "stallion-seated" should be changed to something like
stallion-mounted.
I don't think that someone sits on a horse, as much as they ride one, or mount one; etc.

JLY

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi John,

A nice medieval tale.  Thank You!

One line makes me ponder:
stallion-seated armored knight

somehow I think "stallion-seated" should be changed to something like
stallion-mounted.
I don't think that someone sits on a horse, as much as they ride one, or mount one; etc.  Hmmmm... I'll think on it.  *smiles*  You might be right!

Thanks,
Cathy

[jgdittier]

Dear Cathy,
I see that quaterns are the form of the month at Poetic Voices. Accordingly, I went there to learnwhat they require.
The guidence there says four quatrains  with lines of 8 syllables, no need for end rhymes but the first line of the first quatrain must be repeated and descend in quatrains 2,3 and 4.
Yours maintains a pleasant cadence and exhibits some end rhymes and seems to me meets all the requirements very nicely but the repeated line in quatrain 4 must be line 4.
You know that I like some schtick and I'd go for "stallion-seated silvered"!
Nicely done!
Cheers,   Ron   jgd

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Ron,

I see that quaterns are the form of the month at Poetic Voices. Accordingly, I went there to learnwhat they require.

Yep they are.  And last month I committed myself to a round of 30 quaterns for CM. I'm now at 24!

The guidence there says four quatrains  with lines of 8 syllables, no need for end rhymes but the first line of the first quatrain must be repeated and descend in quatrains 2,3 and 4.
Yours maintains a pleasant cadence and exhibits some end rhymes and seems to me meets all the requirements very nicely but the repeated line in quatrain 4 must be line 4.

Oh my!  I don't know what happened there.  I checked my original and it's not written that way!  lol  I'll get that fixed!

You know that I like some schtick and I'd go for "stallion-seated silvered"!
Nicely done!

I like the "s-ss"!  lol  I'll consider it and thanks!

Cathy

[Guest_Maxim_*]

Hi Cathy

I'm a bit of a sucker for anything that evokes those days of old when knight were bold etc. so I really like what you have here. For me it has a gentle flow that slips you back in time. With this in mind I have a few suggestions that you should ignore if they do not suit your intent.

For me your repeat line would be more 'gently evocative' (assuming that is what you are seeking) if you replace 'tells' with 'hints' ('tell' with 'hint' in last line).

'of stallion-seated silvered knight
and maiden veiled in bright moonlight.'
I find the rhyme here a bit distracting as it gives me expectations of a rhyming pattern. Perhaps a minor change:
'of stallion-seated silvered knights
and maidens veiled in bright moonlight.'

'Ascending many broken steps'. Perhaps:
'Ascending many time-worn steps' or 'ancient crumbling steps' - to maintain the contrast with now and long ago?

'The youthful pair had lived and loved'
Changing this to 'A youthful pair ...' would better suit if you make the change I suggested to S1.

'Now gone their youth and flight of love,'
This suggests to me that the couple may now be older but I think you are saying they are long gone? Perhaps:
"Long gone those (or 'such') youths and flights of love,"

These are only put forward as suggestions so please use or discard them as suits your purpose.

Thanks for sharing.

MaXiM

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Maxim,

You have made some wonderful suggestions and I thank you!
I've read it through a couple of times with some of your ideas
and it does change the "feel" of the poem!  :pharoah2

Thank you!

Cathy

[AMETHYST]

Beautiful Work Cathy,

Your meter ear has bloomed, as well as the wonder of the subject of the poem This is quite an enchanting poem. Smooth and soft to the mind's eye. Some thoughts to follow, good luck with it--I shall be reading it again!

Best Regards, Liz

Footsteps ~ Quatern

Great Title. It captures the true essence of the subject.

The castle hints of days enshrined,
of haunted halls that lead to tales
of stallion-seated silvered knight
and maiden's tryst in yonder vale.

What I noticed here that might be of some help to improve the poem to a higher level is that within this stanza is the excessive use of the word of. I count 3 in this stanza. Perhaps a quick mend to this would be...

The castle hints of days enshrined,
when haunted halls had lead to tales
of stallion-seated silvered knight
and maiden's tryst in yonder vale.

Excellent imagery. Beautifully brought to life.


Ascending many age-worn steps
the castle hints of days enshrined,
when hearing soft and slippered sound
of footsteps just ahead of mine.

Absolutely beautiful! Loved the sonics through out. The choice of words enchants the reader, as if a story being told of wizards and ghostly things... where the essence of what once was still keeps a presence. Nicely done!

A youthful pair had lived and loved
within these stones, now grey and dim;
the castle hints of days enshrined,
when she chose not to marry him.

L4, felt a little off to me. Perhaps

When she hadn't chose to marry him.



Now gone such youths and flights of love,
yet dreams of knights still fill my mind.
How fleet the footsteps of lost time,
when castles hint of days enshrined.

Cathy, excellent ending. Wonderful use of the form. The form compliments the subject, the tone and the images you've painted for us. Great Work.


Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Nov2005

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Amethyst,

Your meter ear has bloomed, as well as the wonder of the subject of the poem This is quite an enchanting poem. Smooth and soft to the mind's eye. Thank you!

Some thoughts to follow, good luck with it--I shall be reading it again!

Best Regards, Liz

Quote  

Footsteps ~ Quatern

Great Title. It captures the true essence of the subject.

Thanks!

The castle hints of days enshrined,
of haunted halls that lead to tales
of stallion-seated silvered knight
and maiden's tryst in yonder vale.

What I noticed here that might be of some help to improve the poem to a higher level is that within this stanza is the excessive use of the word of. I count 3 in this stanza. Perhaps a quick mend to this would be...

Hmmmm... I'll see what I can do.

The castle hints of days enshrined,
when haunted halls had lead to tales
of stallion-seated silvered knight
and maiden's tryst in yonder vale.

Excellent imagery. Beautifully brought to life.

Thank you again!  :blush21:


Ascending many age-worn steps
the castle hints of days enshrined,
when hearing soft and slippered sound
of footsteps just ahead of mine.

Absolutely beautiful! Loved the sonics through out. The choice of words enchants the reader, as if a story being told of wizards and ghostly things... where the essence of what once was still keeps a presence. Nicely done!

Wow!  Thank you!

A youthful pair had lived and loved
within these stones, now grey and dim;
the castle hints of days enshrined,
when she chose not to marry him.

L4, felt a little off to me. Perhaps

When she hadn't chose to marry him.

Hmmmm... Too many syllables, a quatern has 8 per line.  I'll take another
look at this. Thanks...



Now gone such youths and flights of love,
yet dreams of knights still fill my mind.
How fleet the footsteps of lost time,
when castles hint of days enshrined.

Cathy, excellent ending. Wonderful use of the form. The form compliments the subject, the tone and the images you've painted for us. Great Work.

Thank you once again!  *smiles*


Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Nov2005

[AMETHYST]

HI Cathy,

A youthful pair had lived and loved
within these stones, now grey and dim;
the castle hints of days enshrined,
when she chose not to marry him.

L4, felt a little off to me. Perhaps

When she hadn't chose to marry him.

Hmmmm... Too many syllables, a quatern has 8 per line.  I'll take another
look at this. Thanks...  

Ah yes, my mistake. The phones were ringing off the wall and I lost my focus. I will think on it too. Sorry. :)

Hugs, Liz

[Guest_Cathy_*]

lol  That will happen from time to time!

Thanks!
Cathy