Haiku, Japanese form Options

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Fran,

You can say as much as you wish, providing you don't really crit the piece - and you didn't except for trying to clarify this psychu debate. Regardless of all this, I think Ron's sonnet is great, too.

James.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Ron!

I think you meant 'transits' (travels)?

Very pretty!

I am going to merge this in with our haiku thread here in Karnak...

Cheers!
Cleo  :cheer:

[Cleo_Serapis]

I moved it here Ron.....
:)

[Cybele]

Hello Ron,


moon and sun align
a shadow transits landscapes
how bright this candle


A quite superb haiku Ron, perfect in that it includes an allusion to a season (the eclipse) and links it to another picture (the candle).

This lovely haiku also incorporates all the essentials of

The Technique of Narrowing Focus

This is something Buson used a lot because he, being an artist, was a very visual person. Basically what you do is to start with a wide-angle lens on the world in the first line, switch to a normal lens for the second line and zoom in for a close-up in the end.

Wonderful piece Ron, I love it.  :sings:

[Cybele]

                              winter moonset;
                              on the edge of the forest
                              a ghost-owl glides

[JustDaniel]

ah... my muse has returned!

Beautiful picture, Grace!

beachscape sunrise;
at the tip of a jetty
early tanners hug

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,


ah... my muse has returned!   Hurray!  :dance:  :cheer:  :sings:



beachscape sunrise;
at the tip of a jetty
early tanners hug


and such a lovely picture Daniel, Wish I was there!

[Cybele]

                   Sagittarius
                   fires arrows across the sky;
                   meteor shower

[JustDaniel]

Please forgive my parody of such a lovely piece, Grace...

but you know that sometimes I cannot resist. :D

mountain waterfall
splashes across porcine flesh;
meatier shower

Lightly toweling, Daniel  

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

This is my first ever haiku:

playmate of the month
poses for her centrefold;
do not staple here

Have I captured the spirit of the haiku?

Perry

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

A more serious attempt:

leaf falling from tree
spirals silently to earth;
bloated corpse drifts by

Perry

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,

mountain waterfall
splashes across porcine flesh;
meatier shower

Very clever Daniel, but I just wonder could porcine flesh be referred to as meaty? Maybe (having bathed in a waterfall in Jamaica recently myself )you could have a person in the waterfall. How about 'bathers' flesh? Whaddya think?  :detective:

[Cybele]

Good morning Perry,

This is my first ever haiku:

playmate of the month
poses for her centrefold;
do not staple here

Have I captured the spirit of the haiku?

Perry

Oh, I like this, very amusing. I would only point out Perry, the same mistake that I always make. Haiku is about nature. Anything else (including pieces about people should be called Senryu).
But Hey, I always get them mixed up so - welcome to the club.

[Guest_Jox_*]

To the seasoned performers:

Grace - very good as ever.

Daniel - ditto - plus I liked your porker of a haiku.

Grace - apropos your crit on Daniel's poem...

Shortly after I'd been born (prematurely) the Dr, apparently, told my Mother to "Get some meat on those little legs." I've never looked back. So I'll stick with the pigs' version, thanks very much!

James.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Perry,

Welcome to the changing world of haikus.

"playmate of the month
poses for her centrefold;
do not staple here."

Great stuff - an old joke / saying but well re-invented for your first offering. Amused me.

"leaf falling from tree
spirals silently to earth;
bloated corpse drifts by"

This has all the optimism and humour and sheer joy de vie that many of my poems have - not catching is it? I preferred your previous haiku - cheered me up. And I do object to your implying 'twas not serious! However, I can fault neither (this is a more traditional version, of course - but neither are "wrong"). I'll leave the Seny-thing / haiku debate to others, by the way. I thought these both excellent but took fun from the former.

Cheers James.

[Cybele]

Hi Again Perry,

A more serious attempt:

leaf falling from tree
spirals silently to earth;
bloated corpse drifts by

Perry

What a startling comparison with your first piece. Very strong images here Perry.

Just one little point. Haiku, or in this case again Senryu, consists of two separate thoughts which link the whole together. So while your first two lines mention earth, the third intimates that the tree is by a river but this is not obvious until you read the last line.

you might try..

leaf falls from the tree
spirals into the river
bloated corpse drifts by


(All in the same tense) Just a suggestion Chuck or choose.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Grace - I'll not get into the seny / haiku thing - of no interest to me. However, modern haikus don't have to be about nature. Even modern Japanese writers are rejecting that constraint. Sci-fi haikus are quite avant garde now. Don't get me wrong, nature haikus are great and maybe exploit the form best (for me). However, I'm pleased this form hasn't been fossilised.

James.

[Cybele]

Good morning Daniel and James,

Stupid head on this morning. My apologies Daniel,

I read this as piscean instead of porcine since I assumed it was a fish in the water. Please ignore my comment.

I somehow find it hard to visualise a pig in a waterwall.

[Cybele]

Hello James,

I agree modern haikus don't have to be about nature, you know how I feel about restrictions James.

The point I was making was that Senryu IS Haiku but with a human link.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Grace, Yes I do know how you feel (which is why I was surprised).

Sorry for mis-understanding you.

I know I'm not into forms but I do believe in the right name for the right form. However, I find this seny / haiku thing to be too much angles (or is it angels? - never can remember nor see the difference) dancing on pinheads. I've mentally merged them; leave it to others to differentiate.



James.