Haiku, Japanese form Options

[JustDaniel]

Hey, Grace!  

Glad to hear that you're off on another little visit.  We'll be heading to the New Jersey shore (Ocean City) on Saturday for a week of vacation... finally!  I hope today's warm 'Indian Summer' weather stays with us for a few days.  I'm looking forward to writing on the beach part of our time there.

I couldn't see your pictures on the website earlier this morning, so I may need some ambulatory instruction from you in getting around your friendly little site. Thanks for sharing it with us.  Sounds like a neat group you're involved with.  Ah... to be retired!

As to your poem.  Since it has a title, it doesn't qualify as either a haiku or a senyru, so far as I know, and since I don't see a play on words in the title and body, it doesn't qualify as one of my faux-ku genre either.  But with some simple editing, I think you have a neat little senryu here, if I may offer some assistance... even though I ain't a Roamin' Catholic:

grotto stones polished
by supplicant Lourdes pilgrims;      
Mary smiles gently

Whatcha think?

sharin' de Light, Daniel  

[JustDaniel]

The Potato Eaters by Van Gogh

quiet despair;
bathed in the glow
of Vincent's love

May I offer a twisted impressionistic look (in faux-ku) at this along with you, Grace?

eatin' away with depression

potatoes cannot
give self a steam underground...
Gogh up with Vincent

© Daniel J Ricketts 23 Sept 2004

Lightly awry... but who'd askew?  Daniel  

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,  

Sorry for the delay in answering this, but life keeps getting in the way of my favourite pastime.    

As to your poem.  Since it has a title, it doesn't qualify as either a haiku or a senyru, so far as I know, and since I don't see a play on words in the title and body, it doesn't qualify as one of my faux-ku genre either.  But with some simple editing, I think you have a neat little senryu here, if I may offer some assistance... even though I ain't a Roamin' Catholic:


grotto stones polished
by supplicant Lourdes pilgrims;      
Mary smiles gently

I didn't know that Haiku doesn't have a title. Thank you for letting me know. Haiku fascinates me and I want to write it properly. I like your suggestion here Daniel but prefer the slight re-arrangement to the first two lines as such:


Lourdes grotto
stone polished by pilgrims:
Mary smiles gently.


What do you think?


I really appreciate your help.

Love

Grace;farmer:

[Cybele]

Me again Daniel,

The Potato Eaters by Van Gogh

quiet despair;
bathed in the glow
of Vincent's love

Removing title here Daniel

Potato Eaters
bathed in the glow
of Vincent's love

eatin' away with depression

potatoes cannot
give self a steam underground...
Gogh up with Vincent

Far too clever for me Daniel. How do you do it??

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

Glad to be of some kind of help, Grace... and I'm pleased that you laughed at my faux-ku takeoff of your piece.  I do like your revision of both!

Please let me know what you think of this series.  I've written a couple of them... which I'll offer if you like this one:

Gulls and Buoys

sun drenches beach
to wave at passing gull;
buoy rises to greet

piling-top dancers
await warm, rushing surf;
lifeguards, dad watch

sandcastle builder
stands final watch, alone;
surf waves flatly

suds wash rough shoreline
for wind and sun to rinse smooth;
footprints drift aweigh

sails toss to soft blue
falling off beyond grey;
ocean throws a curve

five o’clock shadow
falls coolly before sundown;
li’l shavers pack up

© Daniel J Ricketts 25 Sept 2004

[Cybele]

[b]

Good morning Daniel,

Thank you for your kind words and I am pleased you like the revisions.

sun drenches beach
to wave at passing gull;
buoy rises to greet

I think it is a language thing here again Larry, we both speak English, but sometimes it is quite different

My takr on this one would be

sun drenches beach
buoy rises to greet
passing gull

I see the play on boy and girl but can't see how the sun can wave.  

piling-top dancers
await warm, rushing surf;
lifeguards, dad watch

I assume piling-top is the same as a breakwater over her ( wooden barrier) built into the sea to mark off sections of beach against tidal damage?

sandcastle builder
stands final watch, alone;
surf waves flatly

Absolutely beautiful, I can see myself as a child, lost in my own little world at the end of the day.

suds wash rough shoreline
for wind and sun to rinse smooth;
footprints drift aweigh

Lovely Daniel

sails toss to soft blue
falling off beyond grey;
ocean throws a curve


Wonderful imagery  

five o’clock shadow
falls coolly before sundown;
li’l shavers pack up

Ah! those carefree childhood days!  

A lovely set Daniel. Congratulations.

Love

Grace

[Cybele]

summer cloudburst:
a wasp shares my shelter
in garden shed

 :speechless: Help!!!

[JustDaniel]

Thanks for your visit and ticklers, Grace... and your Summer piece.  How's this for a follow-up senryu?

autumn emotions;
fellow-gardener shares shed
during late cloudburst

© Daniel J Ricketts 04 Oct 2004

[Cybele]

Good morning Daniel    

King of senryu, very witty !!  

Here is another for you to play with.  I went to Bicton Gardens in Devon yesterday and this was inspired in the cactus house. I have a love/hate relationship with cacti ~ more precisely, a morbid fascination.

on spiny cactus
exquisite crimson flowers;
beauty and the beast

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

wonderful picture, Grace.

Could this be a complementary piece... maybe even with a bit of a wink?

succulent with spines
hosting late-blooming flowers;
springs in a desert

... and should be start a senryu thread in here too?

deLightingly, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Good morning Daniel my friend  

Great idea to start a senryu tile separately.    

Will you initiate with a small explanation of the rules of senryu? I will willingly follow.

I find that when waiting for inspiration for a longer piece, writing haiku and senryu is very satisfying and there is always the possibility that these thoughts will lead on to a full poem.

Meanwhile, viewed in the park yesterday:..

speckled floaters
in the blue eye of the lake.
autumn leaves

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

I see spots before my eyes, Grace; fall leaves before it begins!

cimmeron warm lake;
tiny bronzed ships leave moorings
as shafts of steam rise


... and I started the senryu thread too.

deLightingly, Daniel  :sun:

[Cleo_Serapis]

I see spots before my eyes, Grace; fall leaves before it begins!

cimmeron warm lake;
tiny bronzed ships leave moorings
as shafts of steam rise


... and I started the senryu thread too.

deLightingly, Daniel  

 COOL!  :cool:

Well done and thankies Daniel!

Is Senryu also 5/7/5 ?  :wizard:

[Cybele]

Leapfrogging the seasons Daniel  

winter twilight;
last brave rose wears
a mantle of snow

Shivering slightly,  

Grace

[JustDaniel]

Hmmm... Grace, if I were to take yours as a katauta (merely making it into a question, perhaps?) might my response make ours a Mondo, or have I misread Cleo's explanation here?

winter twilight;
will last brave rose wear
a mantle of snow?

bent thorns spring to life;
snow-white petals emerge pink
from sun-drenched green buds

sharin' de Light, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,  :speechless:

Hmmm... Grace, if I were to take yours as a katauta (merely making it into a question, perhaps?) might my response make ours a Mondo, or have I misread Cleo's explanation here?

Pardon??? You've got me here Daniel

katauta??

Mondo??

New words to me Daniel, could you explain them please and their relationship to haiku/senryu.  I want to learn all I can.

Je ne sais quoi, mon ami

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

Pardonez moi, mon amie!

I guess you haven't read Cleo's tile here on Sedoka and Mondo!  When you do, it will all be very clear... or at least a little clearer.

orb of crisp morning
rolls yellow over bronzed hills;
misty curtain lifts

sharin' de Light, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,  

orb of crisp morning
rolls yellow over bronzed hills;
misty curtain lifts

Lovely word picture Daniel.

skein of wild geese
flying south;
early morning rainbow

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

Thank you, Grace... and a very picturesque follow-up.  

Now go to Cleo's tile for a chuckle?

deLightingly, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

cloudy moonlight;
the lake hoards
deep, dark secrets

Grace