Haiku, Japanese form Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Haiku for Autumn

summer slips away
hidden by autumn mist
unseen, unnoticed

exhausted sunflowers
droop and nod dejectedly
cooling autumn sun

gentle ripples kiss
shrouded river bank;
autumnal stroll

Hello Grace!

I was re-reading your pretty haiku this morning and there seems to be some gaps in the syllabic count? I wouldn't normally critique here in Karnak, however, since these will be published in our Autumn chapbook, we want the form to be proper.  

Traditional Haiku should have 17 syllables in a 5/7/5 arrangement.

Can you revise these so they fit the form?

An offering to T or T for ya Grace:

(5) summer slips away
(6) hidden by autumn mist
(5) unseen, unnoticed

How about:
summer slips away
secreted by autumn mist
unseen, unnoticed  
?
I found another version you posted that fits:
summer slips away
hidden by autumnal mist
unseen, unnoticed


(6) exhausted sunflowers
(7) droop and nod dejectedly
(5) cooling autumn sun

How about:
fatigued sunflowers
droop and nod dejectedly
cooling autumn sun
?

(5) gentle ripples kiss
(5) shrouded river bank;
(4) autumnal stroll

How about:
gentle ripples kiss
shrouded river bank; <<<< need 2 more syllables here...
autumnal strolling
?

I've found some additional posts here in this forum for Haiku that I will post next and ask if we can use as well...
Stay tuned!
Cheers.  :pharoah2

[Cleo_Serapis]

fall of dignity

trees refuse to leave;
they’ll cast costume to the wind,
stand stark, arms outstretched

© Daniel J Ricketts 03 Nov 2003

Hello Daniel!  

May we gain your permission to use this Haiku of yours in our Autumn "Through the Seasons" chapbook?

Awaiting your reply!

~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

WASTE, OR WAIST ?

Hallowe'en's over:
Trick is with leftover treats,
Wouldn't want to waist .....

Alan Mcalpine Douglas

Hello Alan!  

May we gain your permission to use this Haiku of yours in our Autumn "Through the Seasons" chapbook?

Awaiting your reply!

~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

fall beclouds

shadowing daylight,
then reigning o’er noon’s parade,
what be fall’s clouds? mist?

befogging our daze,
they loft, leave a cirrusly
cumulous affect

feigning memories
their wisp a ring in silence
as they diminish

leaving trees baring
shivering limbs with trunks packed,
but nowhere to go.

© Daniel J Ricketts 04 Oct 2003

Hello Daniel!  

May we gain your permission to use these Haiku of yours in our Autumn "Through the Seasons" chapbook?

Awaiting your reply!

~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

HALLOWEEN HAIKU    

rustle of leaves
hobgoblins stirring
Halloween;


witch riding broomstick
silhouetted by the moon
black cat rides shotgun


knock at the door
children ‘trick or treating’
or real ghoul? Shiver!


in the graveyard
wind plays hide and seek
between headstones


     

Hello again Grace!

I was re-reading your Halloween haiku this morning and there seems to be some gaps in the syllabic count? I wouldn't normally critique here in Karnak, however, since these will be published in our Autumn chapbook, we want the form to be proper.  

Traditional Haiku should have 17 syllables in a 5/7/5 arrangement.

Can you revise these so they fit the form?

(4) rustle of leaves
(5) hobgoblins stirring
(3) Halloween;
How about:
rustle of fall's leaves
hobgoblins stirring afoot
on this: Halloween
?


(5) witch riding broomstick
(7) silhouetted by the moon
(5) black cat rides shotgun

AWESOME! Love this one!!  :pharoah2

(4) knock at the door
(6) children ‘trick or treating’
(5) or real ghoul? Shiver!
How about:
a knock at the door
children come 'trick or treating'
or real ghoul? Shiver!
?

(4) in the graveyard
(5) wind plays hide and seek
(4) between headstones
How about:
in the still graveyard
swirling winds play hide and seek
rousing hushed headstones
?

[Guest__*]

Dear Cleo,

You have my permission.

Love
Alan

[Cybele]

Good morning Lori  :cheer:

Hello Grace!

I was re-reading your pretty haiku this morning and there seems to be some gaps in the syllabic count? I wouldn't normally critique here in Karnak, however, since these will be published in our Autumn chapbook, we want the form to be proper.  

Traditional Haiku should have 17 syllables in a 5/7/5 arrangement

.

I have been studying haiku quite seriously of late and there are so many rules. Everyone  has a different opinion about the form a haiku should take. Some say it should consist of 5-7-5 syllables, (now seldom used by serious 'haikuists' ), some say 17 syllables on three lines, or 17 syllables or less in total ~ yet others state a count of 2-3-2.

Most people now agree that all extraneous words like 'of' 'and' etc should not be used as they detract from the pure picture. I always wrote in 5-7-5 until I read the work of the great master Basho, the originator of the haiku form. Examples of his beautiful work...

Ill on a journey;
my dreams wander
over a withered moor.

The leeks
newly washed white,-
how cold it is!

Winter rain
falls on the cow-shed;
a cock crows.

Example of modern haiku

under the
magnifying glass
a ladybird's tears

Published modern haiku

plum blossoms falling
the gardner softly singing
in my father's tongue

Sandra Fuhringer

two lines in the water . . .
not a word between
father and son

Randy M. Brooks

gentle rain . . .
the leaf mold's sweet smell
rising with the mist

Donna A. Ryan


Lovely aren't they? Seems the only rule they share is two lines constituing one thought and the other a second thought different but connected.

Having finally found my way in Haiku I am loathe to change them to fit a pattern Lori, but I shall understand if you prefer not to use them. No offence taken whatsoever.  :dance:  :laugh:

Love

Grace

[Cybele]

rosy-hued dusk;
across the pond
swan wings settle

[Cybele]

cock crow;
following the light
you quietly leave me

[Cleo_Serapis]

Unloved but Beautiful

Dandelion seeds
a geodesic delight
drifting in the wind.

   

Thanks Larry!  :wizard:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Dear Cleo,

You have my permission.

Love
Alan

Thanks Alan!

[Cleo_Serapis]

[b]Good morning Lori  

Hello Grace!

I was re-reading your pretty haiku this morning and there seems to be some gaps in the syllabic count? I wouldn't normally critique here in Karnak, however, since these will be published in our Autumn chapbook, we want the form to be proper.  

Traditional Haiku should have 17 syllables in a 5/7/5 arrangement

.

I have been studying haiku quite seriously of late and there are so many rules. Everyone  has a different opinion about the form a haiku should take. Some say it should consist of 5-7-5 syllables, (now seldom used by serious 'haikuists' ), some say 17 syllables on three lines, or 17 syllables or less in total ~ yet others state a count of 2-3-2.

Most people now agree that all extraneous words like 'of' 'and' etc should not be used as they detract from the pure picture. I always wrote in 5-7-5 until I read the work of the great master Basho, the originator of the haiku form. Examples of his beautiful work...

Ill on a journey;
my dreams wander
over a withered moor.

The leeks
newly washed white,-
how cold it is!

Winter rain
falls on the cow-shed;
a cock crows.

Example of modern haiku

under the
magnifying glass
a ladybird's tears

Published modern haiku

plum blossoms falling
the gardner softly singing
in my father's tongue

Sandra Fuhringer

two lines in the water . . .
not a word between
father and son

Randy M. Brooks

gentle rain . . .
the leaf mold's sweet smell
rising with the mist

Donna A. Ryan


Lovely aren't they? Seems the only rule they share is two lines constituing one thought and the other a second thought different but connected.

Having finally found my way in Haiku I am loathe to change them to fit a pattern Lori, but I shall understand if you prefer not to use them. No offence taken whatsoever.    

Love

Grace

Hi Grace!

Yes - these 'rules' seem quite confusing to me (which is why I seldom write haiku myself, LOL!)  

I still am going to use your pieces 'cuz they are perfect and DO capture the thought you convey for the season!  

Thanks for your reply Grace!


HUGS!
~Cleo  :pharoah2  

[Cybele]

The Potato Eaters by Van Gogh

quiet despair;
bathed in the glow
of Vincent’s love

[JustDaniel]

All:  Sorry I have not been around in a while.  I've not written in over a week and may not be doing so for some time.  Blessings to you all.

Lori:  You may use the ones cited if you like.  I hope you note that they fall into the category more of faux-ku, however.

Grace:  I like your boldness and abandon.  

line doubt

poets write on...
walls, paper scraps, tissue, wind;
rules be damned

Lightly, Daniel

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,    

Well. I have really missed your great wit around here.  I do hope that you are not ill again??

I love your faux-ku!

Thank you for the vote of confidence Daniel. I really do love writing haiku. Like everything Japanese, ikebana, painting, silk prints and gardens they have the pure beauty of simple lines which touch my heart.

I hope life is treating you kindly.

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

ah, do you dis Grace me, calling my senryu a faux-ku... without a title?  

Should I have called it "line doubt" ?  

half-width

humor lives on
but half my cranium;
which do I think wit?

© M Lee Dickens’ son 22 Sept 2004

deLightingly, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel  :dance:  :jester:

Not ill then?  Good.  Should I have said fauxsenryu then my friend? Never saw you use that one.  Can hardly read that light blue font Daniel. I tried it once but it was a wash out

You had me perturbed when you said you may not be writing for some time. I thought the dreaded lurgy had got you.  :medusa: but I needn't have worried, you immediately bounced back in your own inimitable way.

Keep 'em coming Daniel. They are like a ray of sunshine whatever you choose to call them.  :sun:  :sun:

You write them ~ I'll read them. What a team!!

 :dance:  :dance:

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

Well, Grace...  actually for the past week I have been quite sick with some kind of virus or something that has really laid me low.  I shouldn't have attended drill this weekend and have missed work the past three days.  I expect to return tomorrow... for two days, and then we're going on a week's vacation!

I'd had annual training for two weeks and was at a convention for work the following week before returning to work for a week before I got sick.  But I've had a general malaise for several months now, and I've simply been unable to focus to seriously write for any extended period of time... or to read either.  It's s concentration and focus thing.  I'm just kind of scattered.  Does that make sense?

Thank you for 'missing' me and for commenting on my little ditties.  Here's another faux-ku I wrote the other day after solving a newspaper puzzle... from a clue.  Thought it might give you a sniggle:

just a ny minute

something n chanting
in señorita’s wiggle ~
savor her tilde

© M Lee Dickens’ son 20 Sept 2004

snigglin' Lightly, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Good morning Dañiel,  

Sounds like you have been having a high old time. Did your mother never tell you to keep away from rough soldiers, you never know what you might pick up !! (Spoken by an ex woman soldier ). Where there are groups, there are squiggly germs too.      

Sorry to hear that you have been laid low, but it doesn’t seem to have affected your sense of humour thank goodness.
Great fauxku Daniel – very clever (over here tilde is also the name brand of rice – over there too?)  I don’t get the answer to the clue though Daniel ??, but then it is 6.15am here.

I am off to Torquay for the day, ( a seaside resort on the South Devon Coast of England). I am hoping to indulge my hobby of photography. Any good pictures I get I post on my website.

If you have an idle moment sometime you might like to have a look ?

Get well soon

Love

Grace



http://mysite.wanadoo-members.co.uk/U3AHighbridge

[Cybele]

Lourdes grotto

stones polished
by supplicant pilgrims,        
Mary smiles gently