Haiku, Japanese form Options

[heartsong7]

Thanks for the info. Daniel...I'm no purest...so will go for your faux-ku. I like that.  

Fireflies

Sultry summer night
fireflies flicker fiery light
fill us with delight

[JustDaniel]

hmmm...

Well, that noe does not meet the muster of faux-ku, I'm afraid.  Word-play is ESSENTIAL in the body and the title.  Its originator insists!  

Methinks your "fiery" is redundant and your last line is a bit mundane?  Rhyme in three short lines could be a bit cutesy also, don't you think?  Probably why most wirters shun it.  Believe me, I love rhyme, especially with metrical pieces, but it doesn't bode well usually in free or form pieces, usually.

Here's another attempt at true haiku:

ivy tendrils reach
greeting warmer skies;
honeysuckle twines

© Daniel J Ricketts 20 July 2004

[heartsong7]

Daniel...

Rhyme in three short lines could be a bit cutesy also, don't you think?  Probably why most wirters shun it.

I really appreciate that honest appraisal...it's the most truly knowledgeable input I've had.
Thank you  :pharoah2
Sue

[heartsong7]

its harder not to rhyme.  :wall:

sultry summer night
tiny fireflies flicker by
like stardust sprinkles

[JustDaniel]

I think you're right!

Again, I ain't no expert, but I think removing simile in L2 would be more haiku... and give duality in the process:

stardust sprinkles   [ thus referring to the actual stars and to the butterflies ]

Now here's a faux-ku, just to chuckle at... with a bit of the haiku flavor, methinks:

fleet purchase

Mercury plunges
lapping up Nike wing-tips;
spring sale afoot

© Daniel J Ricketts 20 July 2004

[heartsong7]

Daniel...good one  :pharoah2 I really like your Faux-ku.
you have a sharp wit to pull it off so well.

re: the fireflies...I wondered about the simile even as I wrote it. How about this way...

sultry summer nights
flirting fireflies flicker by
sprinkling stardust lights

egads!..it still rhymes!  :speechless:
oh well...that's it for now.
gotta go.
Seeya,
Sue

[JustDaniel]

Thank you, Sue.  I love the faux-ku form... but then it IS my own.  :)

As to your rhyming line, the 'lights' is unnecessary, and if you look further at my suggestion, you'll find that 'sprinkles' there is both a noun and a verb, thus the duality.

You do NOT have to have 5 syllables.  The American "rule" is 5-7-5 or LESS.  And the better rule is probably 2 beats / 3 beats / 2 beats.  Make sense?

sharin' what Light I have, Daniel  :sun:

[heartsong7]

You do NOT have to have 5 syllables.  The American "rule" is 5-7-5 or LESS.  And the better rule is probably 2 beats / 3 beats / 2 beats

.  
Ahh so, I see, says she.  
I did not know that. That sheds a whole new light for me.  :sun:
Thanks muchly.
Sue


hot summer night
flirty fireflies flicker by
stardust sprinkles


starlight sprinkles
sparkling sliver sprays at night
moon shines high beams


moon beams
light dancing
ripplets

[heartsong7]

two vines intertwine
berries plant a juicy kiss
on each budding rose

[heartsong7]

songs of love-drunk frogs
echo throughout swampy woods
as night pulls dark shades

[JustDaniel]

Allow me to edit:

songs of love-drunk frogs
echo throughout swampy woods;  
night pulls dark shades

How's that, Susan?  [ though I think 'through' would be better, personally. ]

Think of two related, simultaneous snapshots rather than one continuous thought.  K?

deLightingly, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel and heartsongs7.  :wave:

What a wonderful class going on here!  I am learning along with you heartsong.  You have a great teacher here in Daniel.


darting a bright eye,
newborn fawn clings to mother;
strange visions, wide world


Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

You're too kind, Grace... and I sure ain't no teacher o' that fancy high-coo! I'm larnin' 'long with th' rest o' ye!

darting a bright eye,
newborn fawn clings to mother;
strange visions, wide world

I think your last line needs some clarification, but it is poignant.

As to the other two lines, someone has suggested that the key to the pace (my own term for it; not sure what else to call it) of haiku is the feet:  2-3-2 rather than the syllables.  Your syllable count is perfect, of course, but I THINK the feet in this as it stands now might be 2(?)-3 or 4-2.  [ I get lost with unevern steps, so forgive me.  I'm afraid that my stepping on those branches has scared the poor fawn away!

There are many ways you may tighten up the feet [ not with boots! ] but maybe something like this?

bright eye darting,
doe's newborn clings...

deLighting to be in school with you, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,    

First two lines sound much better


bright eye darting,
doe's newborn clings...



how about...


bright eye darting,
doe's newborn clings...
strange, wide world

I love this form and would really like to master it.

Love

Grace

[heartsong7]

haiku? based on a favorite saying.

sole crushed violet
fragrance lingers after death
perfect forgiveness

[Cybele]

on the lily pad,
patiently awaiting lunch;
our resident frog

[Cybele]

Haiku for Autumn

summer slips away
hidden by autumn mist
unseen, unnoticed

exhausted sunflowers
droop and nod dejectedly
cooling autumn sun

gentle ripples kiss
shrouded river bank;
autumnal stroll

[Guest_Zeus²_*]

Unloved but Beautiful

Dandelion seeds
a geodesic delight
drifting in the wind.

   

[Cybele]

HALLOWEEN HAIKU    :ghostface:

rustle of leaves
hobgoblins stirring
Halloween;


witch riding broomstick
silhouetted by the moon
black cat rides shotgun


knock at the door
children ‘trick or treating’
or real ghoul? Shiver!


in the graveyard
wind plays hide and seek
between headstones


 :oops:  :alien:  :medusa:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thanks Grace - we shall use both sets of Haiku for our Autumn book!

HUGS!
~Cleo

Hey LAr - do you have some you'd like us to use?