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NORTH-WEST PASSAGE, Choice Award |
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Jun 21 05, 09:15
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Member Choice Award Winner
*Graphic provided by Celtic Castle Designs
REVISION (With thanks to Nina)
NORTH WEST PASSAGE
Interrupted moonbeams dance on icebergs and trail their milk-white fingers in icy sea, accompanying emerald rhythms of the Borealis.
The blue-white stage emits a ghostly hue, evanescent and lambent by turns. In the vast silence, glaciers tower like cathedrals in the midnight sky.
Aboard The Erebus, an old salt, inured to the show; stamps his feet, breathes warmth into his calloused hands and dreams of hot tea, unwitting of his fate.
North-West Passage
Interrupted moonbeams dance on icebergs and trail their milk-white fingers in icy sea, accompanying emerald rhythms of the Borealis.
The blue-white stage emits a ghostly hue, evanescent and lambent by turns. In the vast silence glaciers tower like cathedrals in the midnight sky.
Aboard The Erebus, an old salt, inured to the show; unwitting of his fate, stamps his feet, breathes warmth into his calloused hands and dreams of hot tea.
(All rights reserved by Grace Galton as an unpublished work.)
Link below for information on John Franklin’s ill-fated expedition to find the North-West Passage.
http://www.mta.ca/faculty....in.html
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Guest_Nina_*
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Jun 21 05, 12:16
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Guest
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Hi Grace
An intriguing mystery, thanks for the link. I like the way you imagine his last few hours to be. A very eerie description which sets the scene very well. I felt quite chilly reading it, even though it is very hot outside.
A couple of suggestions:
[add] {delete} (comment)
The blue-white stage emits a ghostly hue, evanescent and lambent by turns. In the vast silence[,] glaciers tower like cathedrals in the midnight sky.
Aboard The Erebus, an old salt, inured to the show; {unwitting of his fate,} stamps his feet, breathes warmth into {his} calloused hands and dreams of hot tea{.}[:] [unwitting of his fate.] (just a thought, but it has more of an impact at the end)
Nina
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Jun 23 05, 01:59
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Good morning Nina,
Thank you for dropping in to comment.
QUOTE The blue-white stage emits a ghostly hue, evanescent and lambent by turns. In the vast silence[,] glaciers tower like cathedrals in the midnight sky. Yes you are quite right, don't know why I didn't put a comma there in the first place Aboard The Erebus, an old salt, inured to the show; {unwitting of his fate,} stamps his feet, breathes warmth into {his} calloused hands and dreams of hot tea{.}[:]
Having considered this, I think you are right Nina. I had wanted to emphasise the fact that all the beauty had no affect on him whatsoever having seen it so often, and that his creature comforts were of far more importance, BUT since this is a mystery, yes 'unwitting of his fate' should be the last line. Thank you so much for making me see the light!
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Guest_Toumai_*
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Jun 23 05, 03:27
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Guest
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Hi Grace,
I have to admit to shying away from this - a sign of how powerful the writing is - cos I get scared much too easily and cannot sit through disaster movies at all. I also hate the idea of icy, lifeless wastes. Took me three goes to get into Frankenstein cos of the chilly start. *shiver* So, yep, this did it for me, all right ... off to sit in the sun and thaw out now.
Love,
Fran
PS one thought ...
... vast creaking silence ... ?
erm, I know then it's not true silence, but the glacies and floes do creak, don't they?
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Jun 23 05, 08:13
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Hi Fran,
QUOTE I have to admit to shying away from this - a sign of how powerful the writing is - cos I get scared much too easily and cannot sit through disaster movies at all. I also hate the idea of icy, lifeless wastes. Took me three goes to get into Frankenstein cos of the chilly start. *shiver* So, yep, this did it for me, all right ... off to sit in the sun and thaw out now.
Well, it's good to know you felt the cold and the creepy atmosphere Fran. I too can't abide the cold but would put up with it just to see the Aurora Borealis in the Arctic Circle! Maybe one day!
QUOTE PS one thought ...
... vast creaking silence ... ?
erm, I know then it's not true silence, but the glacies and floes do creak, don't they?
Certainly they do Fran, but not all the time I think and I didn't want anything interrupting the vast silence, which is how I imagined it when I read the book. I agree that the word 'creaky' give a creepy atmosphere, but not the one I want here. The emphasis is on a lone sailor on watch while all his shipmates are down below enjoying thier vittals and tea. Thanks for dropping in Fran, much appreciated. :hsdance:
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Guest__*
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Jun 23 05, 09:22
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Guest
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Dear Grace,
My first, pre-read confusion was with the north west frontier !
But having read the link, yes, this is indeed a very powerful statement.
I read only the revision first, then all the comments etc, and went back to this :
and dreams of hot tea: unwitting of his fate.
That cannot be a colon, should be a comma. A colon means that the one is somehow within, or connected to, the other.
Couldn't quite see how hot tea was his fate !
Love Alan
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Jun 23 05, 17:21
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Good Sir Knight
My first, pre-read confusion was with the north west frontier !
But having read the link, yes, this is indeed a very powerful statement.
Thank you Alan.
I read only the revision first, then all the comments etc, and went back to this :
and dreams of hot tea: unwitting of his fate.
That cannot be a colon, should be a comma. A colon means that the one is somehow within, or connected to, the other.
Couldn't quite see how hot tea was his fate !
Oh silly billy me, that happened because I moved the line 'unwitting of his fate'.
Off to correct it now. Thanks Alan.
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Jun 26 05, 05:40
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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HI Grace.
I've enjoyed this one very much! :sun:
One teensy suggestion in your very imaginitive opening:
Interrupted moonbeams dance on icebergs and trail their milk-white fingers in icy sea, accompanying emerald rhythms of the Borealis.
It's the placement of the word 'and' at the beginning of the new line - I was trying to think of an alternative and came up with:
Interrupted moonbeams dance on icebergs streaming (or imprinting) their milk-white fingers in icy sea, accompanying emerald rhythms of the Borealis.
Just a thought for you to ponder.... A lovely image!
Cheers! ~Cleo :cloud9:
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jun 26 05, 06:47
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Good morning Lori,
QUOTE I've enjoyed this one very much!
One teensy suggestion in your very imaginitive opening:
Interrupted moonbeams dance on icebergs and trail their milk-white fingers in icy sea, accompanying emerald rhythms of the Borealis.
It's the placement of the word 'and' at the beginning of the new line - I was trying to think of an alternative and came up with:
Interrupted moonbeams dance on icebergs streaming (or imprinting) their milk-white fingers in icy sea, accompanying emerald rhythms of the Borealis.
Just a thought for you to ponder....
Yes, that line bothered me Lori. I didn't want to use 'and' because it is a little weak, but the problem is that they dance on icebergs and the sea, sliding from one to another with the movement of clouds and the changing position of the moon as it travels across the sky. I like imprinting, but how to use it.
dance on icebergs imprinting their milk-white fingers in icy sea
just doesn't work. They can't imprint on water;
perhaps
dance on icebergs, trailing milk-white fingers in icy sea.
(This image came to me from sitting in a rowing boat trailing my fingers in the water.)
Any more thoughts? I really want to lose that 'and'.
I can't see how to use streaming without reconstructing the whole sentence, but these are good thoughts. Any more, please let me know. Meanwhile I shall ponder...
A lovely image!
Thank you Lori. This story has fascinated me ever since I read it and because of the very mystery surrounding it, I didn't want to give too much away in case someone wished to read it.
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Guest_Jox_*
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Jun 26 05, 10:50
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Guest
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Grace,
My apologies - i have meant to crit this one a few times and been distracted etc. Anyway, well done and interesting and enjoyable read.
Thank you.
J.
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Jun 26 05, 11:34
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Hi James,
QUOTE My apologies - i have meant to crit this one a few times and been distracted etc. Anyway, well done and interesting and enjoyable read.
Not at all James. There is now need to apologize. There is so much to read here, that I often find I have missed something along the way. Thank you for popping in and leaving a comment.
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Guest_Nina_*
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Jun 26 05, 11:44
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Guest
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Hi Grace
One suggestion for that tricky line:
how about
Interrupted moonbeams dance on icebergs then trail their milk-white fingers in icy sea,
Nina
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Jun 26 05, 16:52
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Hi Nina,
QUOTE One suggestion for that tricky line:
how about
Interrupted moonbeams dance on icebergs then trail their milk-white fingers in icy sea,
Fantasmagorical!
Thank you my friend. Off to change it post haste. (Exit stage right, chased by a bear! )
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Dec 31 05, 11:03
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Congrats Grace on your Member Choice award winning tile!
Well done!
~Cleo :)
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_Nina_*
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Dec 31 05, 17:27
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Guest
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Hi Grace
Congratulations on your member choice award for this spooky poem.
Nina
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