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> NORTH-WEST PASSAGE, Choice Award
Cybele
post Jun 21 05, 09:15
Post #1


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REVISION (With thanks to Nina)

NORTH WEST PASSAGE

Interrupted moonbeams
dance on icebergs
and trail their milk-white
fingers in icy sea,
accompanying emerald
rhythms of the Borealis.

The blue-white stage
emits a ghostly hue,
evanescent and lambent
by turns. In the vast silence,
glaciers tower like cathedrals
in the midnight sky.

Aboard The Erebus,
an old salt, inured to the show;
stamps his feet,
breathes warmth
into his calloused hands
and dreams of hot tea,
unwitting of his fate.



North-West Passage


Interrupted moonbeams
dance on icebergs
and trail their milk-white
fingers in icy sea,
accompanying emerald
rhythms of the Borealis.

The blue-white stage
emits a ghostly hue,
evanescent and lambent
by turns. In the vast silence
glaciers tower like cathedrals
in the midnight sky.

Aboard The Erebus,
an old salt, inured to the show;
unwitting of his fate,
stamps his feet,
breathes warmth
into his calloused hands
and dreams of hot tea.

(All rights reserved by Grace Galton as an unpublished work.)

Link below for information on John Franklin’s ill-fated expedition to find the North-West Passage.


http://www.mta.ca/faculty....in.html






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Grace


http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings!



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Guest_Nina_*
post Jun 21 05, 12:16
Post #2





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Hi Grace

An intriguing mystery, thanks for the link.  I like the way you imagine his last few hours to be.  A very eerie description which sets the scene very well.  I felt quite chilly reading it, even though it is very hot outside.

A couple of suggestions:

[add] {delete} (comment)

The blue-white stage
emits a ghostly hue,
evanescent and lambent
by turns. In the vast silence[,]
glaciers tower like cathedrals
in the midnight sky.

Aboard The Erebus,
an old salt, inured to the show;
{unwitting of his fate,}
stamps his feet,
breathes warmth
into {his} calloused hands
and dreams of hot tea{.}[:]

[unwitting of his fate.] (just a thought, but it has more of an impact at the end)

Nina
 
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Cybele
post Jun 23 05, 01:59
Post #3


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From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose



Good morning Nina,

Thank you for dropping in to comment.

QUOTE
The blue-white stage
emits a ghostly hue,
evanescent and lambent
by turns. In the vast silence[,]
glaciers tower like cathedrals
in the midnight sky.

Yes you are quite right, don't know why I didn't put a comma there in the first place dunce.gif

Aboard The Erebus,
an old salt, inured to the show;
{unwitting of his fate,}
stamps his feet,
breathes warmth
into {his} calloused hands
and dreams of hot tea{.}[:]


Having considered this, I think you are right Nina. I had wanted to emphasise the fact that all the beauty had no affect on him whatsoever having seen it so often, and that his creature comforts were of far more importance, BUT since this is a mystery, yes 'unwitting of his fate' should be the last line.
Thank you so much for making me see the light!  hsdance.gif






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Love

Grace


http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings!



MM Award Winner
 
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Guest_Toumai_*
post Jun 23 05, 03:27
Post #4





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Hi Grace,

I have to admit to shying away from this - a sign of how powerful the writing is - cos I get scared much too easily and cannot sit through disaster movies at all. I also hate the idea of icy, lifeless wastes. Took me three goes to get into Frankenstein cos of the chilly start. *shiver* So, yep, this did it for me, all right ... off to sit in the sun and thaw out now.   sun.gif

Love,

Fran

PS one thought ...

... vast creaking silence ... ?

erm, I know then it's not true silence, but the glacies and floes do creak, don't they?




 
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Cybele
post Jun 23 05, 08:13
Post #5


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From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose





Hi Fran,

QUOTE
I have to admit to shying away from this - a sign of how powerful the writing is - cos I get scared much too easily and cannot sit through disaster movies at all. I also hate the idea of icy, lifeless wastes. Took me three goes to get into Frankenstein cos of the chilly start. *shiver* So, yep, this did it for me, all right ... off to sit in the sun and thaw out now.  


Well, it's good to know you felt the cold and the creepy atmosphere Fran. I too can't abide the cold but would put up with it just to see the Aurora Borealis in the Arctic Circle! Maybe one day!

QUOTE
PS one thought ...

... vast creaking silence ... ?

erm, I know then it's not true silence, but the glacies and floes do creak, don't they?


Certainly they do Fran, but not all the time I think and I didn't want anything interrupting the vast silence, which is how I imagined it when I read the book. I agree that the word 'creaky' give a creepy atmosphere, but not the one I want here. The emphasis is on a lone sailor on watch while all his shipmates are down below enjoying thier vittals and tea.
Thanks for dropping in Fran, much appreciated.  :hsdance:


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Love

Grace


http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings!



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Guest__*
post Jun 23 05, 09:22
Post #6





Guest






Dear Grace,

My first, pre-read confusion was with the north west frontier !

But having read the link, yes, this is indeed a very powerful statement.

I read only the revision first, then all the comments etc, and went back to this :

and dreams of hot tea:
unwitting of his fate.

That cannot be a colon, should be a comma. A colon means that the one is somehow within, or connected to, the other.

Couldn't quite see how hot tea was his fate !

Love
Alan
 
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Cybele
post Jun 23 05, 17:21
Post #7


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From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose



Good Sir Knight  knight.gif

My first, pre-read confusion was with the north west frontier !

But having read the link, yes, this is indeed a very powerful statement.

Thank you Alan.

I read only the revision first, then all the comments etc, and went back to this :

and dreams of hot tea:
unwitting of his fate.

That cannot be a colon, should be a comma. A colon means that the one is somehow within, or connected to, the other.

Couldn't quite see how hot tea was his fate !

Oh silly billy me, that happened because I moved the line 'unwitting of his fate'. blush21.gif

Off to correct it now. Thanks Alan.


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Love

Grace


http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings!



MM Award Winner
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Jun 26 05, 05:40
Post #8


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From: Massachusetts
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Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



HI Grace. Fish.gif

I've enjoyed this one very much!  :sun:

One teensy suggestion in your very imaginitive opening:

Interrupted moonbeams
dance on icebergs
and trail their milk-white
fingers in icy sea,
accompanying emerald
rhythms of the Borealis.

It's the placement of the word 'and' at the beginning of the new line - I was trying to think of an alternative and came up with:

Interrupted moonbeams
dance on icebergs
streaming (or imprinting) their milk-white
fingers in icy sea,
accompanying emerald
rhythms of the Borealis.

Just a thought for you to ponder....
A lovely image!

Cheers!
~Cleo  :cloud9:


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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

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Cybele
post Jun 26 05, 06:47
Post #9


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Good morning Lori, sun.gif

 

QUOTE
I've enjoyed this one very much!

One teensy suggestion in your very imaginitive opening:

Interrupted moonbeams
dance on icebergs
and trail their milk-white
fingers in icy sea,
accompanying emerald
rhythms of the Borealis.

It's the placement of the word 'and' at the beginning of the new line - I was trying to think of an alternative and came up with:

Interrupted moonbeams
dance on icebergs
streaming (or imprinting) their milk-white
fingers in icy sea,
accompanying emerald
rhythms of the Borealis.

Just a thought for you to ponder....

Yes, that line bothered me Lori. I didn't want to use 'and' because it is a little weak, but the problem is that they dance on icebergs and the sea, sliding from one to another with the movement of clouds and the changing position of the moon as it travels across the sky. I like imprinting, but how to use it.

dance on icebergs
imprinting their milk-white
fingers in icy sea

just doesn't work. They can't imprint on water;

perhaps

dance on icebergs,
trailing milk-white
fingers in icy sea.

(This image came to me from sitting in a rowing boat trailing my fingers in the water.)

Any more thoughts? I really want to lose that 'and'.

I can't see how to use streaming without reconstructing the whole sentence, but these are good thoughts. Any more, please let me know. Meanwhile I shall ponder...



A lovely image!

Thank you Lori.  This story has fascinated me ever since I read it and because of the very mystery surrounding it, I didn't want to give too much away in case someone wished to read it.


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Love

Grace


http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings!



MM Award Winner
 
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Guest_Jox_*
post Jun 26 05, 10:50
Post #10





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Grace,

My apologies - i have meant to crit this one a few times and been distracted etc. Anyway, well done and interesting and enjoyable read.

Thank you.

J.
 
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Cybele
post Jun 26 05, 11:34
Post #11


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Group: Gold Member
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From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose



Hi James,

QUOTE
My apologies - i have meant to crit this one a few times and been distracted etc. Anyway, well done and interesting and enjoyable read.


Not at all James. There is now need to apologize. There is so much to read here, that I often find I have missed something along the way. Thank you for popping in and leaving a comment. wave.gif


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Love

Grace


http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings!



MM Award Winner
 
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Guest_Nina_*
post Jun 26 05, 11:44
Post #12





Guest






Hi Grace

One suggestion for that tricky line:

how about

Interrupted moonbeams
dance on icebergs
then trail their milk-white
fingers in icy sea,

Nina
 
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Cybele
post Jun 26 05, 16:52
Post #13


Ornate Oracle
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose



Hi Nina, lovie.gif

QUOTE
One suggestion for that tricky line:

how about

Interrupted moonbeams
dance on icebergs
then trail their milk-white
fingers in icy sea,


Fantasmagorical!

Thank you my friend. Off to change it post haste. (Exit stage right, chased by a bear! ) LOL.gif dance.gif


·······IPB·······

Love

Grace


http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings!



MM Award Winner
 
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Guest_Nina_*
post Jun 26 05, 16:56
Post #14





Guest






laugh.gif

my pleasure

Nina
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Dec 31 05, 11:03
Post #15


Mosaic Master
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Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,891
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Congrats Grace on your Member Choice award winning tile! claps.gif

Well done! PartyFavor.gif Balloons.gif

~Cleo :)


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Guest_Nina_*
post Dec 31 05, 17:27
Post #16





Guest






Hi Grace

Congratulations on your member choice award for this spooky poem.

Nina
 
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