Old Indian Chief, Prose Options

[ArtesiaMeeks]

06-06-05

revision....thanks Fran, someday, I'll get the drift of all this.

ArtesiaMeeks


Ole Indian Chief

While traveling home, exhausted and weary from a full day's shopping, I laid my head back and closed my eyes.

The clouds, at dusk, came dancing toward me.  A young brave appeared. He arose, placed his hands on his hips and evaluated his life.  I say evaluated because as he stood, gazing up at the stars, he seemed to grow in stature and wisdom.

I saw he was "The Chief".  He looked up to God thanking Him for his life as a mighty warrior and leader of his people.  It's all over, he told God. I just want peace, rest and quiet. I'm exhausted and weary from a life of lost wars, battle scars and trails of some  victories.

At that, he disappeared into the clouds that had so graciously brought him to life. "Good bye Ole Indian Chief." I said. “I hope the clouds will drape you with the same respect and reverence that you led your people with and that serenity and peace will pillow your soul.”


ORIGINAL

Ole Indian Chief

While traveling home from a shopping
trip; exhausted and weary from a full
day, I laid my head back and closed
both eyes at the same time.

The clouds, at dusk, came dancing
toward us. They formed a young brave.
He arose, placed his hands on his hips
and evaluated his life.

I say, evaluated, because he grew
in stature and wisdom
as he stood and stared up into space.

He finally became "The Chief."
"The Chief" looking up to God
thanking "Him" for his life as a
mighty warrior and leader of his people.

It's all over, he told God. I just
want peace and rest and quiet. I'm
exhausted and weary from a full life of
battle scars, from lost wars, and trails
of some victories.

At that, he disappeared into the clouds
that so graciously brought him to life. "Good
bye Ole Indian Chief" I said. I hope the
clouds will drape you with the same respect
and reverence that you led your people and
serenity and peace will pillow your soul.

© 1997 Carol Dee Meeks 06-06-Thanks Fran,  I like this virsion better.......thanks for your help

REVISED....earlier, end of May perhaps


While traveling home, exhausted and weary from a full day's shopping, I laid my head back and closed my eyes.

The clouds, at dusk, came dancing toward us.  A young brave appeared. He arose, placed his hands on his hips and evaluated his life.  I say, evaluated, because as he stood and gazed up into space, he seemed to grow in stature and wisdom.

I saw that he was "The Chief". He looked up to God thanking "Him" for his life as a mighty warrior and leader of his people.  It's all over, he told God. I just want peace, rest and quiet. I'm exhausted and weary from a full life of lost wars, battle scars and trails of some victories.

At that, he disappeared into the clouds that had so graciously brought him to life. "Good bye Ole Indian Chief" I said. I hope the clouds will drape you with the same respect and reverence that you led your people with and that serenity and peace will pillow your soul.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Carol

This is a wonderful mystical story of an Old Indian Chief appearing in your dreams on your bus journey home.

I found it much easier to look at this as a work of prose and offer suggestions.  It is of course up to you to use or reject them as you wish.

I changed the layout so that it reads as prose and have combined a couple of verses into one paragraph.

[add] {delete} comment

While traveling home {from a shopping trip;}[,] exhausted and weary from a full day['s shopping], I laid my head back and closed {both eyes at the same time}[my eyes].

The clouds, at dusk, came dancing toward us.  A young brave [appeared]. He arose, placed his hands on his hips and evaluated his life.  I say, evaluated, because [as he stood and gazed up into space,] he {grew}[seemed to grow] in stature and wisdom {as he stood and stared up into space}.

{He finally became}[I saw that he was] "The Chief{.}"[.] {The Chief"looking}[He looked] up to God thanking "Him" for his life as a mighty warrior and leader of his people.  It's all over, he told God. I just want peace {and}[,] rest and quiet. I'm exhausted and weary from a full life of {battle scars, from} lost wars, [battle scars] and trails of some victories.

At that, he disappeared into the clouds that [had] so graciously brought him to life. "Good bye Ole Indian Chief" I said. I hope the clouds will drape you with the same respect and reverence that you led your people [with] and [that] serenity and peace will pillow your soul.

It now reads as:

While traveling home, exhausted and weary from a full day's shopping, I laid my head back and closed my eyes.

The clouds, at dusk, came dancing toward us.  A young brave appeared. He arose, placed his hands on his hips and evaluated his life.  I say, evaluated, because as he stood and gazed up into space, he seemed to grow in stature and wisdom.

I saw that he was "The Chief". He looked up to God thanking "Him" for his life as a mighty warrior and leader of his people.  It's all over, he told God. I just want peace, rest and quiet. I'm exhausted and weary from a full life of lost wars, battle scars and trails of some victories.

At that, he disappeared into the clouds that had so graciously brought him to life. "Good bye Ole Indian Chief" I said. I hope the clouds will drape you with the same respect and reverence that you led your people with and that serenity and peace will pillow your soul.

I hope this helps

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Carol,

Wow, this somehow slipped past me in the busy-ness of the last couple of weeks - I am sorry to be so slow (memo to self: don't rely on latest posts link only).

I love this image of your vision, so well described. I always 'see' the best things when I'm half-asleep, too.

Is this aimed as a prose poem or a short short story?

Either way, I do think that Nina has given excellent suggestions to consider for 'tightening' if you wish that.

On one para I might suggest slightly different pucntuation:
I say{,} evaluated, because[,] as he stood and gazed up into space, he seemed to grow in stature and wisdom.

Looking forward to some more soon - a good excuse for another shopping trip?  ???

Fran

[ArtesiaMeeks]

Hi Fran and Nina,

Its been a bit of a dry spell for me....have not been able to get into MM due to extremely busy times with my husband's health woes, but find it a breath of fresh air to see what you guys have done with my poem.....Old Indian Chief, and my husband  is doing better now.  The doctor has told us he is OVERWHELMED with his progress, thus, I have some time now to get back to my second love.

This Chief is my friend of long ago.......wrote this on the way back from our shopping trip, tired and exhausted was I.  And, since it has been a while since I've been here, and I have SENIOR moments, I don't remember what I do next........I love your changes, and I want them, but how do I resubmit?  

I'll be waiting your reply, and thanks for your help and support and the fact you care enough to help means a lot to me.

ArtesiaMeeks

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Dear Artesia,

I am so sorry to hear of the reason we haven't seen you on MM recently, but delighted that your husband is improving so well now. I do hope that continues.

When you feel ready to revise your work if you look at your original post there is an [edit] button at the top right. Click on that and you will open a box with your original text that you can ammend/add to.

On MM we try to encourage people to leave the original below the revised piece of work so we can all see what the orginal crits were about and how it has developed.

I find I prefer to edit in a word processing program and then post the work on MM - that way I'm less likely to loose anything.

Regards,

Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Carol,

Just a quick note to say I, also, was sorry to hear of your husband's ill health - but am delighted to hear of the very promising improvements.

Best wishes and good luck to both of you. I hope you are able to spend more time on MM in the future.

Good luck

James.

[ArtesiaMeeks]

Fran and James,

Thanks for the kind words regarding my husband.  He has acute kidney failure........in November, the doctors wanted to put him on dialysis, but NOW are in AWE of his progress.  We take it 30 days at a time....blood work, extensive diet and exercise, then doctor appointments again.  I spend lots of time in the kitchen, but so far, it has helped him be DIALYSIS FREE.  I did not realize how much we take for granted with our health.  I am thankful we are retired and can devote full time to his health.  Like I said, his doctors are shocked at his progress, but I know it is the prayers being lifted up on his behave.  

SO....my time here is limited and I will participate how and whenever I can.

Thanks for your input....I like your suggestions.

ArtesiaMeeks

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Carol,

Thanks for the information.

I'm sure we'll all be thinking of you both - so I'll wish you both continuing good fortune and care and see you when we do.

James.

[ArtesiaMeeks]

Hi James,

Thanks for your kindness...we take life 30 days at a time.  If his blood count is good, that delays dialysis another month...the doctor has approved an upcoming trip for us...we are excited.  Our life is not all bad, we are closer than we've ever been, and I am grateful for that.  We have a Mighty Master, and HE takes care of us.

ArtesiaMeeks

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Carol,

Thanks for your reply.

Actually, taking life as and when is (where possible) a good lesson to us all. One never knows what is ahead. Thirty day chunks has much to recommend it - though I am very sorry you two have to do that, rather than do it through choice.

I hope you both really enjoy the trip. Might I ask where you hope to go to? (Just being nosy!)

Adversity often engenders greater closeness - life does have its silver linings often, thank goodness. My Father was seriously ill for many years but the support of my Mother helped both him - and her - to enjoy life, in some ways more than before. He actually lived for much longer than might have been expected otherwise and the mutual support was invaluable both for their longevity and quality of life.

I'm also delighted that you have your strong faith to support you. I have seen how comforting that can be.

Take care and see you soon.

James.

[ArtesiaMeeks]

Hi James,

Last year at our church, my husband coached a program that was implemented for the first time,  and the larger churches across America are adding it to their church schedules, a program called UPWARD BASKETBALL.   He did not coach this past year because of his ills and woes.....but we were invited to help and teach some churches to add this program to their agenda.  When approached, Pat told them to add our name to the list and IF God wanted us to go, HE would have Pat's health where we could go.  Our last doctor appointment approved this trip.......we will leave Artesia on July 1 and return to Artesia on July 10......thus we'll spend Pat's birthday, AND the 4th of July in NEW YORK CITY.   We are excited, elated, and feel very blessed.
WE will stay in the dorms of St. John's University.

Yes, the health problems Pat has is "tuff" at times, but we go through it together holding God's hand OR perhaps, God is holding our hands.  I know that God is doing a work in Pat, 'cause he has yet to be placed on kidney dialysis....and in November, the doctor said if he did not go on dialysis, he would die.............he is just above the borderline, but we are grateful for that......have many prayer partners and the power of prayer has made Pat diaylsis free.  We are happy, and I think this trip will help us both a lot.  Thanks for your encouragement.

ArtesiaMeeks

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Carol!  

I definately prefer this as a sentence setting when compared to the original, shorter, more poetry-like version.  

I found a sense of comfort in the death of the chief, that he wanted it that way in the manner that you told this microstory. You have a calming effect in your story-telling style and I eased into the story and your characters simply.

Here are a few suggestions for you to think on below.

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

[delete] {add}

While traveling home, exhausted and weary from a full day's shopping, I laid my head back and closed my eyes.

The clouds, at dusk, came dancing toward [us] {me}.  A young brave appeared. He arose, placed his hands on his hips and evaluated his life.  I say, evaluated, because as he stood and gazed up into space, he seemed to grow in stature and wisdom.
I suggest the following in place of the sentence in red.
I say evaluated because as he stood, gazing up at the stars, he seemed to grow in stature and wisdom.

I saw that he was "The Chief". He looked up to God thanking ["Him"] {Him} for his life as a mighty warrior and leader of his people.  It's all over, he told God. I just want peace, rest and quiet. I'm exhausted and weary from a full life of lost wars, battle scars and trails of some victories.
I suggest the following in place of the sentence in red and would italize his thoughts to God as follows:
It's all over, he told God. I just want peace, rest and quiet. I'm exhausted and weary from a [full] life {full} of lost wars, battle scars and trails of [some] {few} victories.

At that, he disappeared into the clouds that had so graciously brought him to life. "Good bye Ole Indian Chief." I said. “I hope the clouds will drape you with the same respect and reverence that you led your people with and that serenity and peace will pillow your soul.”

[ArtesiaMeeks]

Cleo,

Thanks for your suggestions and help...I see I needed the poem to say ME....I was sleeping, had the dream.  Thanks

REVISED

Ole Indian Chief

While traveling home, exhausted and weary from a full day's shopping, I laid my head back and closed my eyes.

The clouds, at dusk, came dancing toward me.  A young brave appeared. He arose, placed his hands on his hips and evaluated his life.  I say evaluated because as he stood, gazing up at the stars, he seemed to grow in stature and wisdom.

I saw he was "The Chief".  He looked up to God thanking Him for his life as a mighty warrior and leader of his people.  It's all over, he told God. I just want peace, rest and quiet. I'm exhausted and weary from a life of lost wars, battle scars and trails of some  victories.

At that, he disappeared into the clouds that had so graciously brought him to life. "Good bye Ole Indian Chief." I said. “I hope the clouds will drape you with the same respect and reverence that you led your people with and that serenity and peace will pillow your soul.”


ORIGINAL

Ole Indian Chief

While traveling home from a shopping
trip; exhausted and weary from a full
day, I laid my head back and closed
both eyes at the same time.

The clouds, at dusk, came dancing
toward us. They formed a young brave.
He arose, placed his hands on his hips
and evaluated his life.

I say, evaluated, because he grew
in stature and wisdom
as he stood and stared up into space.

He finally became "The Chief."
"The Chief" looking up to God
thanking "Him" for his life as a
mighty warrior and leader of his people.

It's all over, he told God. I just
want peace and rest and quiet. I'm
exhausted and weary from a full life of
battle scars, from lost wars, and trails
of some victories.

At that, he disappeared into the clouds
that so graciously brought him to life. "Good
bye Ole Indian Chief" I said. I hope the
clouds will drape you with the same respect
and reverence that you led your people and
serenity and peace will pillow your soul.

© 1997 Carol Dee Meeks

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Carol,

The revisions are really looking great.

Please could you edit your very first tile to include the latest revision?

So at the top of that posting you'll have the latest (or second) revision - you might also date it, to help, then below that the first revision (which I notice you have thanked me for, but I think it was Nina who came up with the suggestions, by the way) and below them the original. Does that make sense? I can help if not.

I do hope your husband will be in good health for your NY trip over his birthday, and you both enjoy the 4th celebrations there. What a wonderful visit it will be.

Regards,

Fran