Cryptic Chrysalis, Revised 01 May ~ thanks Liz! Options

[Cybele]

Dear Lori,

This one appeared while I was on holiday and I have only just got round to reading it.

I, like Fran also find it very disturbing. To me it speaks of a perfect rosebud forming but being eaten away internally by some insatiable fungus, it external promise never to be fulfilled. All very well observed.  

I have only one suggestion to offer take  or lose as you will.

Dusk turns abhorrent
in shadowy guise,
left to rot in a cryptic
chrysalis...

L1

Dusk, an abbhorence

in shadowy guise,
left to rot in a cryptic
chrysalis.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Wow Lori,

This is a very dramatic and powerful poem. Allowing each word hold its weight within each line. I skimmed through the other comments but unfortunately haven't time to read each one indepth. So please forgive me if I repeat anything.

First I would like to commend your first 2 lines. They are the hook inwhich made me spirit flutter at the concept of meaning. I would normally nit pick at the repetition of long/longing/longer... but I think, their separate meanings enhance the powerful concept of its meaning combined. How vivid the reader might be able to relate to it. How days drag on when someone sits, lonely and hoping to find someone or someplace to fit into. Excellent toying w/words.

Some further comments and thoughts to follow. I hope I might leave something useful. Otherwise. I quite enjoyed this powerful poem and can relate to it with all my heart. Best wishes ...


Hugs, Liz


I can only say I admire your skill and talents and wish I had written something so forceful and valuable.

Hugs, Liz ...

I nominate this as "Poetic Excellence! " ...

Hello Liz and thanks for your feedback!

Cryptic Chrysalis

Great Title. Fresh and original. Eye catching and pwerful.

Thanks Liz - I like it too!


Days are made longer
by a longing to belong...

As I mentioned earlier, this is an amazing and most capturing start to a most powerful poem.

Again, thanks - I kept the repetition purposely for that reason.


Dusk turns abhorrent
in shadowy guise,
left to rot in a cryptic
chrysalis...

I like the image of L1, but abhorrent, felt out of verse with the smoothness of the remaining image. Perhaps... grim or vile... also suggest 'a' after in with L2,


I see what you mean Liz. I have edited that word to now read as: detestable. What do you think of the change?

Out of the wakening
an epiphanous light
proffers in kind;

Excellent. The stanza brings the reader from the image of desolation drawn toward hope and renewal... I liked the feel of the use of the word kind, kind with a slight reference to kindness, gentleness lying just beneath the use of the word. Good word usage.


Thank you. Yes, the birth is a poignant part of this and the word kind has both meanings.


wings widen
to nurture faculties
unfocused…

Again. Excellent! The smooth alliteration and inner rhymes, while maintaining a full and encaptivating stanza really works to lead the reader home to that final, but intense ending.


only to be
traumatized by
realism veiled
in fallacious vows.

'fallacious vows. The word realism, sticks out for me here. I would like to suggest something more in line with 'truth' for a more smooth read.

only to be
traumatized by truth
veiled in fallacious vows.



OK. I'll buy that request.....  

I nominate this as "Poetic Excellence! "

Thanks Liz - we have two awards (neither of which I have received as of yet): Crown Jewels (for those tiles that command excellence AND Faery Award - for thsoe that tickle your muse..... If you are serious, then by all means, post your nomination in the Valley of Kings forum...

Thanks Liz for your thoughtful crit!
~Cleo  

[Cleo_Serapis]

Dear Lori,

This one appeared while I was on holiday and I have only just got round to reading it.

I, like Fran also find it very disturbing. To me it speaks of a perfect rosebud forming but being eaten away internally by some insatiable fungus, it external promise never to be fulfilled. All very well observed.  

I have only one suggestion to offer take  or lose as you will.

Dusk turns abhorrent
in shadowy guise,
left to rot in a cryptic
chrysalis...

L1

Dusk, an abbhorence

in shadowy guise,
left to rot in a cryptic
chrysalis.

Hi Grace.  :rainbow:

Glad you had the time to read this one - it was inspired by a true life experience, though not one of a butterfly....


I have made a slight change in that stanza, so perhaps this fits better now?

Thanks for your visit today!

~Cleo  :pharoah: