Senryu, Japanese form: 5-7-5 or less Options

[Cybele]

Thanks for the explanation Daniel.

Happily this was fictitious, I have very quiet neighbours.  

hot-air balloon
how hushed the spring morning
peopled by ants

Love


Grace

[JustDaniel]

ah, Grace...  now you're shaming me with REAL senryu!  Wonderful job.

My mind is presently a bit fuddled.  I cannot picture anything so uniquely at the moment.

I'll be back... but for now, back to bed.

deLightingly, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,

Hope you are feeling a little brighter.

The hot air balloon one was easy.  It was a wedding anniversary present from Ralph.  He had a dread of flying and wouldn't ascend, but followed us in the car. That year it rained every single day of May and on 1st and 2nd June.

I dreaded waking on the morning of the 3rd.  The flight was at 6.30am.
When I drew back the curtains the sun was shining brilliantly!     I shall never forget the experience. After we had landed it started raining again and on the next day, and for the rest of that week. we had torrential rain! Talk about serendipity.    

moonlit Greek beach,
performing Zorba’s dance
carousing husband

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

hmmm

Not sure that I fully understand this one, Grace.  Could you clarify the picture for me?  Sounds like someone's husband is contemplating crossing the line?

husband breathtaken;
mooning on South Jersey beach
caught with his pants up

re the wonderful balloon portrayal, it's certainly more than hot air (though I'm bettin' it was, up there... even if it was cold!).

good Ralph didn't shout
"to the moon, Grace;to the moon!"
with you crammed in there

Honeymooning Lightly, Daniel  :sun:

P.S.  If you don't know of Jackie Gleason, you may need an explanation?

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,

Ralph and I spent many wonderful holidays on the Greek islands.

'Zorba the Greek' was a very famous film starring Anthony Quinn, who performed Zorba's dance on the beach after having 'taken drink'.

When we visited the island of Kos we celebrated a wedding anniversary. It was the night of the full moon or as the Greeks say ,luna fengari. (that might not be the correct spelling because I have only heard it spoken and not seen it written down.)

Ralph, who was a great fan of Quinn decided to entertain me wih his own version of Zorba's dance. It was early evening so we weren't yet too inebriated. We finished up rolling in the sand laughing our heads off. Wonderful memory!


good Ralph didn't shout
"to the moon, Grace;to the moon!"
with you crammed in there

I have heard of Jackie Gleason. Wasn't he a child star in silent movies who became a comedian?  We seem to be starting a school of movie memorabilia  here don't we? But you need to enlighten me on the reference in this piece please.

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

Sounds like you had a wonderful time, Grace! YOUR Ralph was very different from the Jackie Gleason character Ralph Cramden in "The Honeymooners"

http://concise.britannica.com/ebc/article?tocId=9365679

Jackie Gleason

born Feb. 26, 1916, Brooklyn, N.Y., U.S.
died June 24, 1987, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

U.S. comedian and actor.

orig. Herbert John Gleason  He performed in carnivals and nightclubs and later played minor roles in films and on the stage. He achieved success in the television comedy series Cavalcade of Stars (1950–52), The Jackie Gleason Show (1952–59, 1961–70), and The Honeymooners (1955–56), which centred on his most beloved character, bus driver Ralph Kramden. He starred on Broadway in Take Me Along (1959, Tony Award) and received acclaim for his screen performances in The Hustler (1961), Requiem for a Heavyweight (1962), and Soldier in the Rain (1963). He later was featured in Smokey and the Bandit (1977) and its sequels (1980, 1983).

One of his famous outbursts to his wife during their frequent 'arguments' was "To the Moon, Alice' to the moon!" with his fist held 'threateningly.'  Of course he never launched her!  

Perhaps now you understand what I crammed in to my little senryu?  



Here's one that occurred to me last evening in a National Alliance for the Mentally Ill training:

treatment adherence:
never suture self; not just
Band-Aids that stick

sLightly sterile, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,

Thank you for the info on Jackie Gleason. I seem to remember him as a very large bluff, dark-haired man. Never saw him act but I think I remember seeing a documentary about him, but that must have been about 20 years ago.

treatment adherence:
never suture self; not just
Band-Aids that stick

Very sobering one Daniel, especially after my inebriated one!

I have been having trouble getting onlne over the past 24 hours. I have just changed over to Broadband and sometimes it goes off for hours at a time. The good side thought is that is about 500 times faster than dial-up.

This one is seasonal and fictitious

virgin snow;
glancing back at my footprints
I am sorry

Toodle pip

Grace

[JustDaniel]

Hmmm  

Maybe there's a message there?  "Broad Banned" ?  

Now you're senryu...  I love it!  Excellent, vivid picture.  Darn close to a haiku, but definitely a senryu.  The best kind, methinks.

Maybe this will tell ya somethin' about why I've been so scarce of late:

brown stuff comin' out
has stuck-to-the-ribs flavor;
much too phlegm-boyant

sLightly sick, Daniel  :ghostface:

[Cybele]

Good morning Daniel,

brown stuff comin' out
has stuck-to-the-ribs flavor;
much too phlegm-boyant

Yuck! Too much information Daniel!!  :rofl:
Still, as we say over here "Better out, than in."  :jester:

This one is a happy childhood memory

summer journey home
the deep contented silence
measured by milestones

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

Hey, Grace...

I hope you'll forgive me for this, since your piece has a beautiful taste of nostalgia... but it stirred somehow in me (mused by the word-play on summer) that evil muse that so detests the stay-behind Canada Geese!

few fly far; fetid fall

some’re journeying…
yet leave great gaggles… behind-
barking out bilestones

© MLee Dickens’son 27 Nov 2004

sLightly choking, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,

some’re journeying…
yet leave great gaggles… behind-
barking out bilestones

Good to see you back and this is up to your usual excellent standard, but to use your expression...darn! isn't this supposed to be senryu, not faux-ku?

How about a serious piece that I can reply to? Your faux-ku are far too clever for me and certainly not my forte.

Over to you for senryu.            Huh? that rhymes  :speechless:
unintentional, not conventional.

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

<font color='#000000'>:cheer: Thanks for the prod, Grace... and for your visit over yonder too!

I knew it was a faux-ku... but also a legit (though a bit low-life) senryu if you note that the Canada Geese [ Use your imagination; the dragon is the closest Cleo has given us! ] are flying away with it, leaving a not-so-innocent senryu for you.

But... I just wrote this... and interrupted myself in the process to print it and fly out the door to give it to her... as she heads back to PA to be with her groom of 8 months, carrying a 7-week surprise she discovered a few weeks ago!

dear unplanned daughter
with sweet raspberry-sized child;
another surprise

© Daniel J Ricketts 27 Nov 2004

by de Light o' de watermelon, Grampa Daniel  </font>

[Cybele]

Good morning Daniel,

unplanned daughter dear
with sweet raspberry-sized child;
another surprise

I am so glad you caught her before she returned home. I am sure she will treasure this for her child - quite beautiful.

I too was an unplanned child I have found out. It doesn’t seem to have done me any harm. It’s what happens after you are born that counts isn’t it?  But on the other hand, I don’t really believe in accidents. I think there is a purpose for everything.

last of the breadcrumbs
fine feathered friends sail away;
alone with my fear

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

I too was an unplanned child I have found out. It doesn’t seem to have done me any harm. It’s what happens after you are born that counts isn’t it?  But on the other hand, I don’t really believe in accidents. I think there is a purpose for everything.

last of the breadcrumbs
fine feathered friends sail away;
alone with my fear

Love

Grace

I've read this several times, Grace, and the last line doesn't seem just right.  It feels to me like it should say "I'm alone with fear" or "I'm with fear, alone" or "I'm in fear, alone."  Whatcha think?

poem lies alone
without a single visit;
does it ponder Why?

© MLee Dickens’son 01 Dec 2004

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,

I've read this several times, Grace, and the last line doesn't seem just right.  It feels to me like it should say "I'm alone with fear" or "I'm with fear, alone" or "I'm in fear, alone."  Whatcha think?

last of the breadcrumbs
fine feathered friends sail away;
alone, with my fear

This another divide thing Daniel. This is a perfectly normal English phrase. It wouldn't sound right to my ears to use any of your helpful alternatives. Have included a comma in the last line which might help with the interpretation.

Love

Grace

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,

Here is the one you thought you had read, but in fact I only wrote it three days ago.  

summer romance;
all that remains on the beach,
a wilting red rose


Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

Well, I do think you wrote something like it somewhere... or I coalesced a couple of your previous poems in my mind somehow!  Anyway... I love the intrigue and softness in this one. It ain't wiltin' fer sher!

I'll share my riposte here:

some 're romance...

and some 're not; ask petals ~ ~

so... wilt thou... or naught?


pluckin' Lightly, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,

Well, I don't know about you but I am running myself ragged at present, trying to do too many things before I go away.  

some 're romance...
and some 're not; ask petals;
so... wilt thou, or not?

Very clever.  Your last line sounds positively Shakespearian Daniel  

Love

Grace

[Cybele]

my son shines his shoes
              on the backs of his trousers;
              first job interview

[JustDaniel]

my son shines his shoes
              on the backs of his trousers;
              first job interview

Very graphic, Grace!  ... and believe me, I KNOW what you mean about tryin' to do too many things... but we is musin' pomes, ain't we!  Jest take yer time, Lady!  This thread ain't goin' no place.  It'll be here when ya gets back!  LorII ain't got tired o' us yet!

my wife's body talc
on the back of my trousers;
lost job interview

brushin' it off Lightly, Daniel