Prince in Disguise, Aging. Please crit*** Options

[jerryk]

I love you

in your ludicrous underwear,

diapers and socks notwithstanding;

half-moon specs

awry on the tip of your nose,

add just the right touch

to that bib with blue bears in rows.



I love

your mortal guise

-or the Prince in a Beast’s disguise-

and wince with compassion

for my elderly nurseling.



Perhaps

each Rose that turned to gall

blossomed from a paradox of parts.

Crimson petals

....... soft as Indian silk

..............fade

.....................and dart away…


Beauty also unrobed the Beast.
The charm was broken and a handsome Prince
stood before her.



Except, you’re a clumsy prince

....... who subsists

..............only

.....................in my desolate heart.


© Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina. 2013

Note: Changed lonesome to desolate in last line.

Hi there, Sylvia;
I like your tender poem, one that speaks of unconditional love for your spouse. Since you already received many comments, I would find it redundant to suggest different word choices. As poets, most of us draw from our own inherent vocabulary; if we didn't, then our poems would no longer be unique but resemble commercial gingerbread men. Let me comment on "format" only. In general, my personal preference would be to refrain from choppy cut-off lines. Although contemporary poets have made much use of them, they don't always work out to my own satisfaction. I find those pauses disruptive and therefore prefer the block form that still allows for varying lengths of lines.
Only my opinion, and you know how cheap opinions can be. Take care; I hope all's well at home?
Best to you,
Jerry

[Eisa]

Wow! Syl - Snow! Were just coming into summer here in UK. Perhaps I'd like winterbetter if we had more snow, making everything into a wonderland.

I'm sure a poem will come to you soon. I never seem to have my notepad near these days but muse is a funny thing. I've had thoughts going through my mind for a couple of years before they've come together into a poem.

Thinking of you, Syl
Hugs
Snow

[Psyche]

Yes, it's strange now that I've moved further south. A Buenos Aires winter can be almost like a U.K. summer, but here in Bariloche it's another story.

We've already had two snowfalls. One early dawn I peeked out of my window and the sight of the snow falling actually did inspire me to write a FV poem, the first in a long while. I've posted it and would love you to crit it!

I also hope to see some of your poetry, Eisa! I always appreciate it. It's a treat for me. Hope all is well.

Hugs,
Syl***

Wow! Syl - Snow! Were just coming into summer here in UK. Perhaps I'd like winter better if we had more snow, making everything into a wonderland.

I'm sure a poem will come to you soon. I never seem to have my notepad near these days but muse is a funny thing. I've had thoughts going through my mind for a couple of years before they've come together into a poem.

Thinking of you, Syl
Hugs
Snow

[Psyche]

Hi Jerry!
It seems I missed this comment from you. A shame, because you always make the dialogue richer in these forums. I'll answer down below.

I love you

in your ludicrous underwear,

diapers and socks notwithstanding;

half-moon specs

awry on the tip of your nose,

add just the right touch

to that bib with blue bears in rows.



I love

your mortal guise

-or the Prince in a Beast’s disguise-

and wince with compassion

for my elderly nurseling.



Perhaps

each Rose that turned to gall

blossomed from a paradox of parts.

Crimson petals

....... soft as Indian silk

..............fade

.....................and dart away…


Beauty also unrobed the Beast.
The charm was broken and a handsome Prince
stood before her.



Except, you’re a clumsy prince

....... who subsists

..............only

.....................in my desolate heart.


© Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina. 2013

Note: Changed lonesome to desolate in last line.

Here I am, Jerry. I'm glad you mentioned the format issue. I absolutely agree with you. I was just playing around and had no idea that it was going to be nominated for IBPC.

I try to find time to read the winners of that contest. I don't remember any prizes for this sort of "format", if one can call it that.
I mentioned it to Lori and she sent it off with fewer choppy, cut off lines, as you describe them. But I knew that it would be ignored by the judge. For other reasons as well, no doubt.
Still, nominations are always nice!

I'll just stick to left-sided format. Centered poems are not popular either. It's important to read up on the contest's styles before sending, right?

Thanks so much for mentioning this important issue. And unfortunately, all is not well at home...except that I love the snowfalls!
Cheers,
Syl***


Hi there, Sylvia;
I like your tender poem, one that speaks of unconditional love for your spouse. Since you already received many comments, I would find it redundant to suggest different word choices. As poets, most of us draw from our own inherent vocabulary; if we didn't, then our poems would no longer be unique but resemble commercial gingerbread men. Let me comment on "format" only. In general, my personal preference would be to refrain from choppy cut-off lines. Although contemporary poets have made much use of them, they don't always work out to my own satisfaction. I find those pauses disruptive and therefore prefer the block form that still allows for varying lengths of lines.
Only my opinion, and you know how cheap opinions can be. Take care; I hope all's well at home?
Best to you,
Jerry