 Guns of August, *** |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse  |
| Guest_ohsteve_* |
 May 13 12, 10:38
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#1
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Guns of August
Guns of August have been silenced by a long hard winters snow. Barrels have rusted, wheels have broken. Horses have been taken over to nearby fields resting from their labors. Soldiers have also taken root, living with locals become husbands and fathers, taken up crafts. No longer willing to fight for what they dimly perceived back last summer when fevers ran hot , so did blood. Next summer I suppose they will gather in the metals melt them down for plowshares, and hoes. Then none shall remember this short sharp bitter war, was just an interruption of otherwise short lives. Wait! Was that thunder….?? May 13, 2012 © Steve Pray |
  
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May 13 12, 11:37
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#2
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Laureate Legionnaire  Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Steve,
My offerings by way of gilding your lily : Guns of August have been silenced by a long hard winters’ snow. Barrels have rusted, wheels [] broken. Horses [] taken [] to nearby fields and rested from their labors. Soldiers have [] taken root, living with locals become husbands [] fathers, and taken up crafts. No longer willing to fight for what they dimly perceived [] last summer when fevers ran hot, as did blood. Next summer I suppose they will gather in the metals melt them down for plowshares, or hoes. Then none shall remember this short sharp and bitter war, [] just an interruption of otherwise short lives. Wait! Was that thunder….?? Steve, did you mean metals, or medals ? It could be both ! [] indicates removal, any suggested alterations are in bold. T or T, of course. Good write ! Love Alan ·······  ······· |
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| Guest_ohsteve_* |
May 14 12, 08:34
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#3
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Alan, thanks for reading, I meant metal as from the guns, but you're right it could be both...I will have to think on that. AS for the removals I agree, I can see one other change now that I will make to make it read just a bit better. I do appreciate the critique, ... gilding my lily?? sheesh (blushing) That could be made to be almost obscene...LOOK!! He's Gilding his Lily...OMG!!!
Take care my friend Steve |
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May 14 12, 12:39
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#4
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Steve,
We could both be foundation members of the lily-gilding society. It's a good poem, I do serious crit when I see something worth spending the time on, where I think the effort will bear fruit, even if that is only to keep all as it is. Love Alan ······· ······· |
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| Guest_ohsteve_* |
May 15 12, 08:36
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#5
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Alan, Thanks I understand.
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May 15 12, 08:46
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#6
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 783 Joined: 24-July 07 From: South Africa Member No.: 457 Real Name: Walter Schwim Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Mistral |
Hey Steve,
Love this dramatic piece! The image of artillery silenced by snow and the participants loosing interest and living together in a harmonious community. The instigators no doubt temporally returned to the comfort of home. Isn’t it always the tillers of the soil who are used as pawns in times of war. That closing line just bursts the bubble of hope - brilliant!!! I agree with Alan’s suggestions to clean up the flow. May I add one or two of my own and a little re-work of the last verse. Just a thought, take or toss – love the poem anyway. This one is a keeper for sure! Cheers, Wal -------------------------------------- At the start, you could try: QUOTE Guns of August lie silent beneath the winter’s snow. and the last verse: QUOTE Come spring I suppose they will gather the scrap,
melt it down for ploughshares and hoes. No-one will remember this short sharp bitter war, an interruption to otherwise peaceful lives. ······· ······· |
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May 15 12, 11:15
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#7
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 2,085 Joined: 24-May 04 From: Time, Immoral Member No.: 66 Writer of: Poetry |
Hello Steve,
I stopped by to watch you gild your lily! May I suggest eliminating a sackful of "have" words? Alone in V1 there are 4 which would give a far more dramatic feeling without 'em. Example >>> Guns of August are silenced by a long hard winter snow. Turf "snow - it's most often in winter... Yours tells a story, the one they mean when it's asked, "when will they ever learn?" Best Merlin ······· ······· |
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| Guest_ohsteve_* |
May 23 12, 16:08
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#8
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Wally and Merlin, thanks for dropping by to read and for the wonderful comments. I haven't had time to do a rewrite yet but will soon and will incorporate most of your critique. Merlin thanks for getting me started on that darned song... I remember the title can't remember who wrote it, I want to say B. Dylan, Or maybe Peter,Paul, and Mary...song title was 'where have all the flowers gone.'
Take care Steve |
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May 23 12, 23:16
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#9
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 2,085 Joined: 24-May 04 From: Time, Immoral Member No.: 66 Writer of: Poetry |
P, P & M sang it, Pete Seeger wrote it. It was the time of Dylan and many other protest song writers/singers.
Long time passing... ······· ······· |
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| Guest_ohsteve_* |
May 25 12, 16:00
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#10
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Merlin, Thanks for Pete Seeger. It was a time of change, a time of war, a time of peace, a time of love, a time for all things to come together, and a time of all thing to fall apart. It was a most magic time to be involved in, to see things that are now a part of American and world history. Oh what a time we had, we had a time, a time we did, and now its gone a soon we all will be too. My time is over I hope I have left something important behind me. God love you all.
Take care Steve |
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May 26 12, 03:31
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#11
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Steve,
At the very least you would leave a hole which will be hard to fill. Our interchanges here have always been a delight, and your poetic skills, and well as your rare humour, would be missed. If we had lived in the same area, I would have wanted to associate with you face-to-face, although any long-disatance wonderfulness can well evaporate when faced (both ways) with yer actual flesh ! So, are you planning on creating such a hole ? And how will we know you next time round, if so ? Love Alan ······· ······· |
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| Guest_ohsteve_* |
May 26 12, 12:50
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#12
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Alan, not yet, nor anytime soon. But there are days when I sure wish that I could just say please and it would all be over. As I tell my wife, I could stand just the pain, I could stand just the pulmanory Fibrosis, I could stand the diabetes, I could stand the Ocular Myasynthia Gravis, I could stand the medications even the ones that cramp my lower intestines, but it is so very hard to take them on all the time day after day, especially when they decide to all hurt at the same time, that is when I want to just say enough is enough.
There are a lot of online friends I would wish to meet face to face. I think that would be a wonderful day. So I would just ignore most of my self pity and just carry on as I try to do. I keep trying to write more and have had some insperation, the problem was I was sound asleep and it woke me and by the time I found pen and paper it was gone. But thank you so much for the incouragement, it does help. Take care Steve |
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May 26 12, 23:25
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#13
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Steve,
Sorry to hear of all your body travails, but glad that you will be with us for a while. I have heard it suggested that the poet should have his notepad and pencil by his bedside - no frustrated searching for inspiration, or even for the pad ! Meanwhile I think that your darts poem shows there is a large area of memory to mine, of nostalgia, of "how it is, but not right now", and I look forward to more glimpses of another life, and style. Love Alan Love Alan ······· ······· |
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| Guest_ohsteve_* |
May 27 12, 16:10
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#14
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Alan, I have barely touched on my time in Germany, Turkey, Libya, OZ-land, my kids growing up, etc etc boring...lol
Thanks again Alan Take care Steve |
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May 27 12, 16:50
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#15
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Steve,
"etc etc boring...lol" - not if we are allowed to view them through your poet's eye ! Love Alan ······· ······· |
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