Three Years into Limbo (New rev 20.02.2012), 2 or 3 revs. *** (for crits) Options

[Psyche]

Thank you Snow, Steve, Wally, Dani, Lori and all for your enormous help.
I've just tweaked a few lines (put italics), so didn't copy & paste again.



REVISION

Three Years into Limbo

I was wrong.
Time is gentle with you.
Your mind sheds muddled memories.
Each day, you’re born again.
Conformist drill, primary needs,
hallucinations, mirth.

A broad smile greets me.
We hug - I'm your bride!
-What’s in t'bag?
-Cookies.
And peach juice. What joy!

-'Tis m'fiancée, B..b..ertha.
-Oh… I say.
Bertha stares vacuously.
You wave angular arms:
-M'wife lives 'nudder h..h..hotel!
Bertha articulates:
-Do come soon.
-Mmmm… I mumble.

Outside, pungent evening air
is a mocking lifesaver.
It’s Sunday. Families
stroll by with pushcarts,
cyclists whizz between lazy traffic,
the odd sparrow picks at garbage.

I feel lonely among the dog poop,
bicycles, sparrows.
Families irk me.
An ochre sky compresses my shoulders.

I hear kitty meowing as I
fiddle with keys in the lock.
She twines herself around my legs,
tripping me as I search for a cool
drink and our dinners.

My wits are awash in chaos:
my dreams dream you
on bygone illumined isles.

Limbo has dance-stepped over to my side
with sidling grotesquerie.

Poetry and plans are on hold…


20.02.2012 revs:
Conversations in italics.
S2, L5: Different.


Revs: S2, L5.
S3, L1

Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2010.



ORIGINAL

Three Years in to Limbo

I was wrong.
Time is gentle with you.
Your mind dumped merciless memories.
Each day, you’re born again.
Conformist drill, primary needs,
hallucinations, mirth.

A broad smile greets me.
You hug me like a bride.´
-What’s in that bag?
-Cookies.
… gobbling goodies.

-This is my fiancée, Bertha.
-Oh…I say.
Bertha stares inanely.
You wave your arms:
-My wife doesn’t live here.
Bertha articulates:
- Do come soon.
- Mmmm… I mumble.

Outside, pungent evening air
is a mocking lifesaver.
It’s Sunday. Families
stroll by with pushcarts,
cyclists whizz between lazy traffic,
the odd sparrow picks at garbage.

I feel lonely among the dog poop,
bicycles, sparrows.
Families irk me.
An ochre sky compresses my shoulders.
I hear kitty meowing as I
fiddle with keys in the lock.
She twines herself around my legs,
tripping me as I search for a cool
drink and our dinners.

My wits are awash in chaos:
my dreams dream you
on bygone illumined isles.

Limbo has dance-stepped over to my side
with sidling grotesquerie.
Poetry and plans are out…



Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2010.

[Thoth]

Dear Syl,

It is wonderful to see you writing again, your magic pen has definitely not deserted you!

This is a classic tragedy, so sad yet shows courage and moral strength that remains unfailing while perhaps becoming a little ragged and weary. The story is beautifully told with intricate detail, enough to stimulate sharp images yet avoiding monotony.

The wry humour woven in to save a sad situation is testimony to human endurance where of matters of the heart are concerned and the ability to create positive things where none exist. Coming home to feed the cat is a very lonely symbol, and that the good times are remembered shows the bond of the couple was and still is firm in spite of circumstances. Very controlled emotionally but sad – so sad.

I did not like the finale, it sends a negative shiver through me. Disguised as resignation, it signifies the onset of depression or bitterness. Personally I would prefer to read a glimmer of hope for the future from the narrator – whatever that may be.

Please, Please! - do try to keep writing, eventually when all the bad stories are told, the good ones will return to take their rightful place. ( I know!)

Keep strong dear poet and keep the pen mobile.

Hugz,

Wally

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Sylvia, What a poignent piece to come back with, but you are back. Yea! I find no nits on my first read through, except the title, I would put the 'in to' together 'into' or put a comma between the in and to, otherwise it just doesn't read correctly to me. Sorry to hear you have been so unwell, I know how hard that can be to get through. I certainly hope that you are back on an upswing, even though sad this is still excellent writing.

Take Care
Steve

[Arnfinn]

Good poetry, Sylv,

Very easy to read: I feel depression seeping like washed ink through each line.
The animations in the background and foreground are projected normality, with a personal touch, here and there.
The cruel side of life where there is no release from torment.

I hope you are on the mend (health).


John

[Psyche]

Dear Wally!

Your encouragement is music to my ears! Thank you so much for taking the trouble to analyze the contents of my poem. My slow response is due to my recovering from an unusual summer pneumonia that kept me in bed with fever a good part of January. Horrid chest cough & all those X-rays....ugh!

I'd been fiddling with the finale and that's what remained of my fiddle...LOL...I'm not sure whether it's totally negative, since the author, in spite of saying 'poetry and plans are out', has in fact written a poem! I would indeed appreciate any { --- } that might help me improve parts of the poem, especially the ending.

I don't know whether I got the message across that the person with dementia was originally considered to be in 'limbo', but that the author now realizes that Limbo (personified purposefully) has sidled into the other court, the court of 'normalcy'. Am I speaking any sense?

Thanks again, Wally, for your enormous help.
Hugzzzzz, Syl***
PS: I'll be back to answer Steve & Arnie tomorrow, hopefully. My energies are depleted, but gaining strength again! See ya...

[Psyche]

Dear Steve,

Love to have you dropping in to comment on my first new piece in ages! Didn't fish it out of the archives...LOL....

Still, it's a continuation of one I wrote nearly 3 years ago. I might include it in this thread, if only for me to make my own comparison! Things are quiet.

I hope you're well, dear Steve. I pray for your good health and also send healing vibrations over your way.

Yes, I have to check the title, you're quite right. Whenever you feel up to it, I'm also always willing to have those famous {----} stuck into my efforts.

And thirdly, yes, I got a summer pneumonia out of the blue. Felt rotten in the middle of a broiling heatwave; the fever and sticky chest cough were scary! Takes a while to pick up energy after that.

Thank you for the 'excellent' bit, that'll encourage me no end.

Take care, hugs,
Syl***

Sylvia, What a poignent piece to come back with, but you are back. Yea! I find no nits on my first read through, except the title, I would put the 'in to' together 'into' or put a comma between the in and to, otherwise it just doesn't read correctly to me. Sorry to hear you have been so unwell, I know how hard that can be to get through. I certainly hope that you are back on an upswing, even though sad this is still excellent writing.

Take Care
Steve

[Psyche]

Thank you, Arnie.. I had hoped it would sound melancholy rather than depressing. There's a slight difference, at least nowadays the specialists allow you to deal with melancholia without nasty pills, maybe a just a little support therapy.

But if that's what you captured, then 'tis fair to say so. Interesting, indeed, thank you.

Does this poem also project torment? Geez, Arnie, that's a hard word, a bit hellish sounding! Yes, life is tough and we weren't warned that it could turn out to be so. Just found ourselves born on this planet (2U??) and having to deal with whatever offers itself. I didn't find any giraffes or strange hippos, nor taste elephant's trunk...LOL...

One questions things, yet events like the catastrophe in Haiti relativise one's own situation. But the green scientific futurists predict that nobody will be safe from nature's whims. Nowhere to hide...wow...can I get a lift to one of your universes?! Do you have a winged 'gator, perhaps?

Heyho...my good friend, yes, I'm mending well but don't have the doc's OK yet. Must take care!

Hope you too are doing OK, so glad you're mingling again, Arnie. Don't hide away with the bushland poets all of the time, please!

Cheers, Syl***

Good poetry, Sylv,

Very easy to read: I feel depression seeping like washed ink through each line.
The animations in the background and foreground are projected normality, with a personal touch, here and there.
The cruel side of life where there is no release from torment.

I hope you are on the mend (health).


John

[Eisa]

Hi Syl

It is so good to read your poetry again ... and this one is superb. A poignant tale ... yes I feel the melancholy as you wanted.


You begin with the realisation that time is unexpectedly gentle on the person and I sense that time is not so gentle with the writer who faces a difficult visit. I remember such times visiting my mother (who had alzheimer's) and how although she remebered who I was, never hugged or kissed me -- yet did so to the staff, calling them wonderful.

Outside, the fresh air was often a lifesaver for me too.

I love the subtle sense of humour of the dog poop, bicycles and sparrows but feel the loneliness too as you are left with the cat and bygone dreams ... beautiful in its sadness!

Yes, Limbo has dance-stepped over to your side and you have made us feel that.

Poetry and plans are out…

I did not feel this ending as negative, just that things were on hold, to be continued sometime ...

I certainly hope you continue to write poetry Syl - this is amazing!

I cannot find a nit - I wouldn't have used so many dashes to start lines, but that's probably me.

Hugs
Snow

[Arnfinn]

G'day Sylv,

NAH,

Writing, requires enegy.

We must look after our health.

I'm 71 yrs old.

So, my judgement of your poetry is directly: your current circumstances, and your health.

Other poets at MM should take note of the quality of your work.

Regards,


John

[saore]

Slyvia this is very strong but most of all very honest! The image of the cat around the legs of the narrator almost made me scream, just so it wouldn't bother. I have had moments like this, when not even the affection of a pet matters.

Sergio

[Psyche]

Hi Snow!

Another apology for delay in replying.

Your analysis of what I've written is quite right. Yes, senile dementia can take unexpected directions.
It can become delayed -tho' not cured- if the person is in an environment that's got good vibes, to put it in simple words. Routine is good, with some flexibility, and various activities seem to awaken sleeping neurons. I'd never seen senile oldsters dancing before. Well, some who seem like statues actually come to life and dance amazingly well! Modern stuff, such as samba, cumbia and many mixes get them going, with excellent rythm.

I'm pleased you caught the melancholic air, especially concerning the cat & bygone dreams. Just so.

About the dashes I used to mark dialogue, how do you handle that? I'm not sure about dialogue, should it be with some other punctuation? When you have a moment, I'd love to learn about that.

Yes, I fully intend to continue writing, Snow. Time is the 'enemy'...LOL....So much to do!
Hope you also get inspired. Shall inspect the forums for your new topics.

Thank you, hugs, Syl***

Hi Syl

It is so good to read your poetry again ... and this one is superb. A poignant tale ... yes I feel the melancholy as you wanted.


You begin with the realisation that time is unexpectedly gentle on the person and I sense that time is not so gentle with the writer who faces a difficult visit. I remember such times visiting my mother (who had alzheimer's) and how although she remebered who I was, never hugged or kissed me -- yet did so to the staff, calling them wonderful.

Outside, the fresh air was often a lifesaver for me too.

I love the subtle sense of humour of the dog poop, bicycles and sparrows but feel the loneliness too as you are left with the cat and bygone dreams ... beautiful in its sadness!

Yes, Limbo has dance-stepped over to your side and you have made us feel that.

Poetry and plans are out…

I did not feel this ending as negative, just that things were on hold, to be continued sometime ...

I certainly hope you continue to write poetry Syl - this is amazing!

I cannot find a nit - I wouldn't have used so many dashes to start lines, but that's probably me.

Hugs
Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sylvia,

I have read this poem a few times now and am glad to be stopping in again to comment. I really do not want to suggest any changes as I completely understood the inner message you present in this stark piece. So much so, I think it is deserving of a ider audience, so I'd like to nominate it for the IBPC.

Perhaps just one suggestion for that ending line: Poetry and plans hang in the balance...

Very much enjoyed the read!
~Cleo (check for a PM shortly).

[Siren]

This is extremely impressive. I love the refreshing tone of the poem.

You drew me into the scene from the first line and took my hand down the road to the impeccably descriptive 5th stanza; then found myself sweetly handed to the finish line, with a breathless "Wow!" forming in my mind.

I do second Lori's vote on this finding the IBPC pages.

truly amazing blend

hugs and love
Dani

[Larry]

Hi Sylvia,

This is indeed a very poignant but realistic view of life's final insult and fate's often premature kidnapping of a loved one. Perhaps death would be more merciful for those having to see memories fade and recognition die.

Let me throw out a few suggestions. Nothing which would change the beauty and sadness of your poem but just a few thoughts.

On your title: perhaps - Three Years into Limbo

S1L3 - Your mind sheds merciless memories.

I'm not sure about dialogue, should it be with some other punctuation?

Maybe use parenthesis or put the dialogue in quotes.

S2L5 - Not really enamored with "gobbling goodies"; seems out of context with the mental picture of sadness and resignation I get from your poem. Would you consider something like: crumbs and comfort


S3L3 - "inanely" may not be strong enough to convey the description of someone who sits in front of you but isn't there any more. Would you consider "vacuously" instead.

For your ending,

Poetry and plans are out…

May I suggest Poetry and plans must wait.

As always, take or toss.

Larry

p.s. Congrats on the IBPC nom.

[Eisa]

Great Syl! and I second - third and fourth the nomination. This is expertly and refreshingly written and just what we need to send off to IBPC

As to how you write the dialogue - I'm not sure. I used to use parenthesis, but later was told to use italics, which I tend to use now ... but when there is a converstion beween 2 people that doesn't work the same. I think perhaps the dashes are more modern - I'm a bit old fashioned! LOL!

Well done Syl
Hugs
Snow

[Psyche]

Dear John!

You're so kind to remember my health, thank you. It was indeed a nasty bout with pneumonia. But I'm OK now, tho' my doc wants a last -hopefully- X-ray in March. Most unexpected trip-up...wow....and could be related to my situation, who knows?

But please feel free to nit away, as others have done.

You take care too, Arnie, coz I know you've had some wobbly spells.

Many hugs, Syl***

[Psyche]

Hi Sergio,

It is a bit heartbreaking to read, I realize that. But yes, honesty is sometimes better than stupid euphemisms.
The cat...well, they can be a nuisance tripping one up! As you say, a pet's affection takes second place when bad things happen. Perhaps those lines are the hardest to take. I'm sorry about your sad times.

Thanks for stopping by, your comment has been useful.
Syl***

[Psyche]

Hi Lori,

I'm glad the inner message came across. Yes, I suppose it's a stark piece. One just writes and may not realize until others comment just exactly how hard a punch the lines may carry...


But wow....thanks so much for the nom! I hadn't expected that at all.

I shall be posting a revision, taking into account your suggestion, as well as Snow's, Larry's and Siren's.

Must be off to bed now, will continue tomorrow!

Hugs, Syl***

[Psyche]

Hi Dani!

Thanks so much for commenting on my poem. You're the first one to call it 'refreshing'. That's interesting.

Readers zoom in from different angles. I like that.

I'm going to revise a little now.

Thanks for dropping in,
hugs, Syl***

[Psyche]

Hi Larry,
I'm so glad you dropped by! You're usually over in the rhyming sections, so it's a privilege to receive your comments.

Hi Sylvia,

This is indeed a very poignant but realistic view of life's final insult and fate's often premature kidnapping of a loved one. Perhaps death would be more merciful for those having to see memories fade and recognition die.

Yes, this is a controversial issue nowadays. There's such a lot of talk about euthanasia and so on, especially in Europe. But I observe that not all dementia is cruel to the affected one. Some don't seem to be aware that they've shed precious memories. I've seen some who've forgotten their whole career in spite of having enjoyed it! The person in my poem can read the subtitles of movies on T.V. perfectly, in two languages! But can't relate them to the events in the movie....and doesn't care! This despite not being able to read a book or newspaper...

Let me throw out a few suggestions. Nothing which would change the beauty and sadness of your poem but just a few thoughts.<<<<<< Thank you!

On your title: perhaps - Three Years into Limbo <<<<<< Yes!

S1L3 - Your mind sheds merciless memories. <<<<<<< I like 'sheds'. But not sure whether it's not a bit of a mouthful with 'merciless'. Might think of changing the qualifier.

I'm not sure about dialogue, should it be with some other punctuation?

Maybe use parenthesis or put the dialogue in quotes.<<<<<I don't like parenthesis. I'm not sure what you mean about 'quotes' here. Maybe as in books, with one inverted comma?

S2L5 - Not really enamored with "gobbling goodies"; seems out of context with the mental picture of sadness and resignation I get from your poem. Would you consider something like: crumbs and comfort <<<<<<< That would also be a good alliteration. I like it. Trouble is, I'm attempting to paint a picture of a person who is surprisingly happy, and who really does 'gobble goodies' with relish! Let me study this bit.

S3L3 - "inanely" may not be strong enough to convey the description of someone who sits in front of you but isn't there any more. Would you consider "vacuously" instead.<<<< Yes.

For your ending,

Poetry and plans are out…

May I suggest Poetry and plans must wait.

That's good, thank you.

As always, take or toss.

Larry

p.s. Congrats on the IBPC nom.

Delighted with your suggestions, Larry. Must get to work on revising. Thank you and cheers!
Syl***