A Casual Killing [revised 25 Feb 2009], Free Verse Options

[merle]

It was a repetitive blinking---
red lights in my peripheral vision
distracting me –from late night
dedication to Jay Leno.

An ambulance---parked askew,
rear door flapping a knowing
rectangular wink, received its load
a man (I think) from the size of a foot
sheathed in brown sock.

The black and white parade came
tying the building with plastic
yellow ribbons --- shining it’s lights
on the ‘deed in the dark’
where one man consumed would not---
could not stop--- though the other
lay silent upon the floor.

The paramedics chatted
over basketball scores
climbed into their leather
posts---and drove away.

And I, I ambled back---to catch
the final guest promoting
his latest film

* The revisions I made were punctuation and in the last stanza, first line, my original words were 'Whilst I' and I changed those to 'And I, I ambled back'.

* In this second revision I changed 'their' to 'his'.

[Daniel Barlow]

Hey Merle,

I like this a lot. It's well observed.

Our styles my differ and that's no crime but I found in I stumbled in a few places where I'd have liked the thoughts to have been separated by more punctuation or where haiku style phrasing seemed to unsettle the flow of the piece. For me this was only a problem in the middle stanzas of the poem. Also "whilst" rang a bell because it seems a formal word where the action is all about casually giving death and the gravity of the situation the blow off.

I think you're onto a winning thing here.

DB

[merle]

Hi Daniel - Thank you for taking the time to review. Your comments are most appreciated. I must confess I'm not sure exactly where the punctuation should be placed. This is only my second attempt at free verse. Yes, I agree the word 'whilst' is out of place. Any suggestions? I am pleased you thought it was well observed because it's a true account of a murder that took place a few days ago. I look forward to any additional feedback you may have to offer.

merle

[Daniel Barlow]

Hey Merle,

It's in this stanza where I think the punctuation would make a big difference:

An ambulance---parked askew(,)
rear door flapping a knowing
rectangular wink(,) received its load
a man (I think) from the size of a foot
sheathed in brown sock.



And I, I ambled back---to catch
the final guest promoting
their latest film

Also, in the third stanza, I like peppering the building instead of "tying" since "black and white parade" & "plastic yellow"
alert the reader to the presence of the police and crime scene (and your phrasing their is excellent)
I feel peppering enriches the parade imagery as well as the crime scene.

DB

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Merle/Robin... I should ask which you prefer. I agree alot with what Daniel has suggested here, I like the style and the discription. The middle piece does read better with punctuation. the word 'whilst does seem to be a bit too old fashion for this modern portrayal. I think you strike a very sensitive nerve with casuality of what happened; that so many situations such as this begin to numb the senses so much, that we can view it without a second thought...and that is a terrible statement on todays throw away soceity.
Steve

[merle]

Hi DB - The punctuation gives it a more concise flow. Thank you. I also like how you ended the last stanza. I'll wait a few days and see if anyone else has some input, if not, I'm going to take your suggestion. Thank you so much for your help.

Robin

[merle]

Hello OhSteve - Either Robin or merle is fine. I agree with DB's suggestions wholeheartedly. I am still horrified by violence and the indifferent eye cast by many who are not. Thank you for reviewing and I will make revisions within a few days.

Robin/merle lol

[Guest_bipolarwriter_*]

Well, I am the odd man out here. I am a bipolar who only writes when I am in a very manic state. My mind is racing and my thoughts have no punctuation. I for one think you should write how you think it. It should flow how your mind flows. For me to try and stop while I am in such a creative state of mind and think about such things as punctuation would ruin how I write and how it does flow in it's own tweaked out way. I am the first to admit that my writing style is most odd. But for people who are bipolar or love someone who is, they "get it". That is all that matters to me.
Melody

[merle]

Hello bipolar - Thanks for the input. I'm not accustomed to injecting punctuation myself. Some insist it adds to the readability of the poem, others do not. Either way is fine with me.

[merle]

OK, I've completed my revisions. I didn't rewrite the entire poem since it was only a few changes. I hope that's ok. I still prefer tying but I do think the last stanza reads much better. Thank you.

[Eisa]

Hi Robin

As you have only made a few changes in revision,perhaps you could just make a note below your poem as to what the original lines were. People like to see the changes you've made before they comment on your revision. I'll come back to this and comment.

Snow

[vessq]

Hi Merle,

I agree with most of the suggestions. We are not talking about how poems are written. What Bipolar says is true of most writers not just those who are bipolar. The surest way to create a writer's block is to attempt to write perfectly punctuated poems in first draft.

What we are doing here is editing. Making a poem accessible to most readers. What bipolar says is probably true other bipolar people will get her poems as they come to her. But I am interested in her writing too and appreciate her editing so I can grasp at least part of her message.

So, in my opinion, we need to make things as easy as possible for a reader.

I would suggest a slight restructuring of the first verse and then I would follow through the poem looking for opportunities to make it easier for the reader.

For example,

It was repetitive red lights,
Blinking, distracting me
from a late night dedication
to Jay Leno.

I changed the line breaks and re-arranged a line or two. I did not write the lines or the poem you did. I edited it that's all.

Good poem. Keep writing. I will read.

Vess

[merle]

Hi Snow - I did as you asked.

Hi Vess - Now you have me thinking... I may have to come back to this one again.

Thanks,
merle

[Maggie]

Hi merle,

First, I want to welcome you to MM. It's great to have you with us!!!

I like your title for the poem. It seems to sum up the attitude of the observers well! This makes me wonder what kind of neighborhood this happened in. Are killings so frequent there that the neighbors and the attendants take murder so casually? Does the casual response deserve some mention in the poem? Just a point I'm pondering.



The paramedics chatted
over basketball scores (need comma after "scores")
climbed into their leather
posts---and drove away.( I suggest using a comma instead of dashes in this line.)

And I, I ambled back---to catch
the final guest promoting
their latest film ( "their" is incorrect since "guest" is singular. Instead use "his" or "her.")



Interesting reactions to murder in this poem! Much food for thought!

Again, welcome!!!

Peggy

[merle]

Hi Peggy - Thank you for the welcome. You're right, 'their' is incorrect and I will make the change. I had hoped the title prepared the reader and the content revolved around the disconnected attitude. Perhaps it did not come across as I had intended. Ah, well, back to the notebook.

[vessq]

It was a repetitive blinking--- I would remove the (a) in this line
red lights in my peripheral vision
distracting me –from late night
dedication to Jay Leno.

An ambulance---parked askew,
rear door flapping a knowing
rectangular wink, received its load
a man (I think) from the size of a foot (I would remove the (I think) and describe the man
sheathed in brown sock.
(big) or (full grown) or (small)
The black and white parade came
tying the building with plastic
yellow ribbons --- shining it’s lights
on the ‘deed in the dark’
where one man consumed would not---
could not stop--- though the other
lay silent upon the floor.

The paramedics chatted
over basketball scores
climbed into their leather
posts---and drove away.

And I, I ambled back---to catch
the final guest promoting Need a plural here (guests and films) or (his or her latest film)
their latest film

* The revisions I made were punctuation and in the last stanza, first line, my original words were 'Whilst I' and I changed those to 'And I, I ambled back'.

I liked the poem the first time and like the revisions. Good work

Vess

[Sekhmet]

Hi Merle/ Robin,How I enjoy reading your closely observed documentaries of inner city life and even, death.
I could visualize the ambulance's 'knowing, rectangular wink'; and the house tied up with yellow ribbons,waiting for a, (possibly) not so loved one to return.


The anodyne TV action compared well with the Life or Death Action happening outside your window.

I would keep the 'I think' to give a hint of rhyme with 'Knowing wink'

Nice work! Leo

[merle]

Hi Vess - Thanks for the input. Much appreciated.

Hi Leo - Yes, I believe I will keep 'I think'. Thanks for the suggestion and the kind words.