Summers Day [revised 06 Sep] Options

[Arnfinn]

With thanks to Lori.

Revision 18/09/2008


Footsteps: tread gently.
Bees a-buzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Aphids in white jackets.
Flowers; confusion of colour.
A hot summer's breeze-
on my cheek.



Revision 6th September 2008


Footsteps; tread gently,
bees a-buzz,
aphid's in white jackets,
flowers, confusions of colour.

A hot summers breeze-
on my cheek.



REVISION. AS summers day 4/9/2008


summers day

st
r
o
ll
i
ng
t
h
r
o
u
gh
t
h
e
g
a
r
d
en
i
n
s
e
c
t
s
m
o
v
i
ng
w
o
r
k
i
ng
d
id
y
ou
h
e
ar
t
h
at?
h
e
a
r
w
h
at!
t
h
e
.
.
.
h
o
t
b
r
ee
z
e
S
N
I
FF
I
NG



i neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeever promised YYYYYYYYYYYYYou a Rose Garden.

john


Summers Day


S
t
r
o
ll
i
n
g

t
h
r
o
u
g
h

t
h
e

g
a
r
d
e
n,

i
n
s
e
c
t
s

m
o
v
i
n
g,

w
o
r
k
i
n
g.

Did you hear that?

Hear what!

T
h
e

h
o
t

b
r
ee
z
e

S
N
I
F
F
I
N
G...


Arnfinn

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

John, Hmmm is this a new advangarde form of freeverse? I liked the use of the colors, just not sure about the verticallity of the words...maybe you could put them both horizontally and vertically? other wise this is short and sweet, but sort of dull reading...lol. Interesting try.
Steve

[Psyche]

Had to put my head sideways, Arnie! `Hope I can straighten it out since I have to do some boresome stuff out in the crowded streets.
See ya, Syl***

[Arnfinn]

Hi Steve,

This poem follows the same theme as a poet called George MacBeth.
He wrote a poem called , 'Rain.'

This is how it went.

Rain, By George MacBeth.

First Verse.

wh
en
t
he
r
ain
n
is
f
al
li
ng
i
n
lo
ng
c
ol
um
ns
we


This is the end of the first verse. Which, is written as falling rain. iiii


Yeah, I know it's form poetry.


So I wrote my poem as stroll in the garden. Walking down a path in the garden. No falling rain here, in my poem.


But wait, theres more Steve, I'm going to do revision AS e.e cummings would write.


YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeHa.


John.

[Arnfinn]

Hey By the time you return....................Things,. Well...Will be different Sylv.

[Psyche]

Gee, Arnie, it's even more difficult to read now... without the colours!
Sorry, I'll let it go...
You're a master at great poetry, bring on the Rose Garden, or else!
Cheers, Syl***

[Arnfinn]

Fair dinkum, Sylv,

I'll do a revision and repost in the other forum as a Tanka.


DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO you get the feeling that I've been ignoring you lately.

Not ment tooooo.

Been busy,


John

[Psyche]

Absolutely, John, I've even contemplated going into a nunnery.

Tanka? Gee...with you aussies one never knows nothin', go ahead & give us a break over here...LOL....

See ya, hopefully before I take my vows,
Syl***

Fair dinkum, Sylv,

I'll do a revision and repost in the other forum as a Tanka.

DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO you get the feeling that I've been ignoring you lately.

Not ment tooooo.

Been busy,


John

[Arnfinn]

Hi, Sylv,

Nunnery,


He,he, I knows the universal unlisted phone number. Yep! 000000. YeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaHa.


This is true. In my working days I managed Motor Registries, in NSW. The number plate on my Subaru 4x vehicle is: NIL000.

Got a pitcha somewheres.



John

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

John, hmmm ok I could see it as falling rain, but thats the only subject besides (snow, sleet, hail, all forms of falling water) that would seem to fit this 'form', I am sure you are right but it seems a questionable form. Although I have seen and done shape formed poems, where the letters of the poem make the shape of the object they describe. Hmmm is there such a thing as free verse forms? You make me ponder such strange things John.
Steve

[Arnfinn]

How are ya Steve?


Nah, I've passed the falling rain. lllllllll > She's fell, flop onto ~~~~~~~

I've a bit of sunshine on me cheek.


Regards,

John

[Eisa]

Oh my John - how this poem has changed from its original - I must say I LOVE the final revision!

Snow

[Maggie]

Hi John,

I agree with Snow. This poem certainly has changed! Wow! What a fine final version!

I have one teeny, tiny nit to pick! "Summer's" should have an apostrophe to show ownership. Summer owns the day.

Great revision!!!

Peggy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi John,

This was the original inspiration for your Tanka in Herme's. I like the revision of this version and it compliments the tanka as well. As you mentioned in another thread, it might be fun to take the concept of a given poem as you have, and try to write it in different forms, just to see what happens.

For this one, I have just a few teensy nits I'll notate below.
Enjoyed the day here!
~Cleo


Footsteps; tread gently, -I think this could also be colon instead of semi-colon?
bees a-buzz,
aphid's in white jackets, -No apostrope here.
flowers, confusions of colour. -I think confusion should be singular?

A hot summers breeze- -Add the apostrophe to the poem's title and here for summer's
on my cheek.

If I might play a bit too - you could change the lines in many different ways, one such way would look like this:

Footsteps: tread gently.

Bees a-buzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Aphids in white jackets.

Flowers; confusion of colour.

A hot summer's breeze-

on my cheek.

[Arnfinn]

Hi Snow,

Thank you.

Looks like I've a bit of tidying-up to do.



John

[Arnfinn]

Hi, Peg,


Yep, I suppose, everything in the garden is, well, alright.


I'll have change a few words in accordance with your suggestion.

Thank you,




John

[Arnfinn]

Hi Lori,


You know whatttt, Lori?


Yooooooooooooo are so right.

Repucturating my poem, in view of your views, transistorises the whole scene, if you know what I mean.

For instance 'Footsteps' can tread in so many different ways. :::::::
And the followingssss are all 'stand alone' statements. ...................

You have once again rescued 'I' from iniquitous, injunctions

I must without due haste, return to my poem, and carry out a complete rescheduling placement of my marks.


Footsteps: tread gently.

Bees a-buzzzzzzzzzzzz. <<<< Love, the buzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, word

Aphids in white jackets. <<<< I WAS pleased with my description of aphids. They dooo wear white jackets and 'bowties' you know,

Flowers; confusion of colour. <<< N' I thought this was good a collective noun for mixed coloured flowers: confusion.

NNNnny way

Thank you again.

Been thinking about, changing forms, sgood idea. However, It'll take a long time dooo +revision. Might be a better Idea, to make it a joint effort of all the members.

Some members are specialists: Ron for one.


John

[Cleo_Serapis]

mate!

This is really coming along nicely for such a short poem, John.

Well, you've got the required elements here if you shoulddecide to post a challenge - include summer's breeze, aphids, confusion of color, footsteps and bees. I could post something for October's Pandora if you like - let me know.

~Cleo