Calico Eyes [revised 08 Jul 2008] Options

[saore]

Calico Eyes

Julio had given Nikki an oily stare
when the realization of someone
dreaming of her brought in the cold.
What would happen if they changed the shade
of her copper skin and her eyes
were no longer calico in the dream?
She was silent for an instant, but it was her
whispering in his dreams: Calico eyes.

She followed him into the movies,
slipped her phone number into his hand
just to watch the leaf storm
wade around his body. She wanted
to touch, turn off the cigarette and lift,
lift ^{him with her copper right there.}


<sub>Original:

Julio had given Nikki an oily stare
when the realization of someone
dreaming about her brought in the cold.
What happens if they change the shade
of her copper skin and her eyes
are no longer calico in the dream?
She was silent for an instant, but it was her
whispering in his dreams: Calico eyes.

She followed him into the movies,
slipped her phone number into his hand
just to watch the leaf storm
wade around his body. She wanted
to touch, turn off the cigarette and lift,
lift him with her copper right there.</sub>

[Kay]

This is a wonderfully, clear poem. I know I critiqued something and suggested this for a title? I think I did.
I like all of this. It's concise, real. Very unique all the way around. One very small nit, you might delete "he knew " in that second stanza but oh, that "leaf storm"
I love that. I'd probably go with only one "lift" too in that end line.

[saore]

Thank you Kay, that last line is specially formatted. Your suggestion for a title was appreciated. I have also edited some more.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Sergio, I tried this yesterday and my computer glitched...lol, so try again. I liked the style and the way it was written, I have read it three times and each time it made me feel something different, I am unable to say what... not that it any feeling was bad just unusual. I wish I could still continuously write this way, but my muse is being very flighty. The only thing I would change would be to put the words "Calico eyes" in italics instead of quotes, I think it would make a better impact.
Steve

[saore]

Thank you Steve, I really like your suggestion. I will use it. The poem has been accepted for publishing but I want to include it in a chapbook competition. I will make sure I add the correction to my file.

Thank you,
Sergio

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sergio,

A few small notes for you to ponder:

Julio had given Nikki an oily stare
when the realization of someone
dreaming about of her brought in the cold.
What would happens if they changed the shade
of her copper skin and her eyes
are were no longer calico in the dream?
She was silent for an instant, but it was her
whispering in his dreams: Calico eyes.

She followed him into the movies,
slipped her phone number into his hand
just to watch the leaf storm
wade around his body. She wanted
to touch, turn off the cigarette and lift,
lift him with her copper right there.
I wouldn't change the font here in the last line.

As always, take or toss.
~Cleo

[saore]

Thank you Cleo, I think your suggestions are great and I am going to copy them and edit using most of them.

[Peterpan]

Hi~

I have been here did not have much time to make comment. But, enjoyed what I saw. I see there are other crits. You have an interesting unique style which is worthwhile maintaining. Keep writing and welcome to MM!

Bev

[saore]

Thank you Bev, thank you.

Cleo I have edited with your suggestions. Thank you once again.