A CONSTANT GARDENER [revised 25 Mar 08], Wizard Award ~ A writers dilemma Options

[heartsong7]

I think it would be fine to post it above the original and say it's a re-write. I've done that several times.
S

[Guest_Don_*]

The idea is identification so each version/revision can be referenced during comment. Oftimes someone will like the original better. Selected mixing also occures. This is why keeping all revisions makes a better workshop environment.

Here I am babbling and I am not a moderator.

Don

[Mary Boren]

Yes! No time now to say more, but I nominate this for most improved poem of the year.

Mary

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

Better? Thank you so much for the nomination. I don`t know what means, but it sure did tickle me to peaches. Much love!!!

[MFK Buckley]

Your premise is concisely and precisely expressed with well-executed delivery. I echo HeartSong's nudge and commend the change. Well done! Fran

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Linda, :cook:

I enjoy you tightened revision a tad more than the original as it seems to make the message more succinct.

I have just a couple of suggestions to toss into the recipe for you to ponder as you wish below.

I'm hungry now for a nice sweet piece of fruit!
~Cleo


If only words would grow on vines,
I`d serve them up along these lines;
taste the crop that came to flower
and dine on prose from hour to hour. **Here, I suggest not duplicating hour to hour, perhaps a sub. like 'within this fine hour'.
Partake of leaves.
Partake of root. **Again, here I suggest finding a sub/ for 'partake' since you've already used it above and the poem is so short as is - perhaps 'consume', 'savor', 'sample' or 'render roots' (for alliteration)?
I save the best
for last...
the fruit.

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

Thank you for suggestions Cleo. I am going to have to "chew" on this for a while. I understand the repeating words is kind of a "no-no". But, then it just depends (saying this, I don`t know what it depends on). As I view the poem today, it sounds comfortable to me. More reviews on this issue would be appreciated while a mull and stew.

[heartsong7]

Linda,

I understand the repeating words is kind of a "no-no". But, then it just depends (saying this, I don`t know what it depends on).

It depends on whether it works. In my opinion, in this poem, it does and well.
Sue

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

Thanks again! It was kind of what I was thinking. It felt "complete"! At least, it did to me.

[Mary Boren]

I understand the repeating words is kind of a "no-no".

Sez who? Ask somebody that knows, like Tennyson.

"Half a league, half a league, half a league onward..."

"Break, break, break ..."

Repetition is every bit as valid a poetic device as assonance, consonance, alliteration and the like. I can see calling each other to task if it's clearly a case of sloppy writing, like forgetting you used the same word two lines earlier, and maybe that's where the confusion lies.

I agree, this one is complete -- don't MacPoem it. (You won't find that term at Bob's Byway, but it's pretty much self-explanatory, isn't it?) As for the nomination, if there isn't already a category for most improved, there should be. I'm extremely impressed with the way you took critique to heart, then came right back with something fresh and uniquely yours. Wayta go, Linda.

Keep 'em comin',

Mary

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

Thank you so much Nada. I have been slammed for reminding people of Tennyson, Wordsworth, Keats...like that is a bad thing. The slammers (for the most part) want me to write like Gaetjen. This is just between you and me. I don`t see that happening. Again many thanks. Now...back to the drawing board.

[Cleo_Serapis]

That's so unfortunate Linda. I've had my share of 'those types' in the past (trolls, yahoos).

Slammers (or Yahoos as I call them) have no place on critique forums, they obviously do not understand the whole concept of fostering feedback and most often have evil intentions. When we step out of our own comfort zone and put ourselves out there to be reviewed, we expect respect and courtesy (in an honest, yet friendly manner) and tend to give same in return to better ourselves and the art that is poetry. Some just do not understand the concept - what's that expression: "You get more with honey than with vinegar"?

Remember, your poem is your own - and when you are comfortable with it, that is when it is perfected. It's nice to have others share that but remember, it's always up to you.

~Cleo

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

Thank you for the feedback Cleo. I can take a rough critique. I have had some dillys! There was only one (recently), that was both shocking and hurtful, wherein the reviewer told me to "Wise up, geezer....", "You are a bad poet". etc.. In spite of that, I did learn much from this persons rant, once I took out all the slurs. Lay on McDuff...MacDuff....Mac and Cheese?!!

[Cleo_Serapis]

Congrats Linda on your wizard award winning tile!

Well done!

~Cleo

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

Thank you so much for your support.

[jgdittier]

Dear Xanadu and All,
This was a most, most rewarding read, every comment!
Cheers, ron jgd

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Linda,

One more suggestion for the sentence below (to keep it in line with your beginning):

I save the best
for last...

Change it to : I'd save the best

Cheers,
~Cleo

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

Thanks Cleo.

Done and done.