La Doncella...Revision 3...Drastic Revision, FV Options

[Judi]

Revision 3
Sweet maiden, this is the day
of Festival of the corn god.

As you awake at dawn,
your mother holds you close before
she helps you dress,
then places a necklace of bone and metal
around your neck.
She sighs as she daubs your cheeks
with red pigment, and gives
you coca leaf to chew.

Your heart beats quickly,
and you hide tears the god
would frown upon.
You must be brave and smile
as you present yourself to him.

You hear people cheer as they walk
with you up the mountain to the volcano;
you wonder why the god wants you
and not a tender goat?

It is so cold, and the gray shawl
around your shoulders does not
keep the chill away.
They give you corn liquor to drink
that burns as it enters your throat.
Your mind falters as you sit placidly
waiting...you fall asleep wondering
when he will come.

You have been waiting for 500 years...
your sightless eyes closed in death,
your frozen hands lay primly on your lap.

He did not come
He will never come.

Judith Labriola


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Revision 2
Sweet maiden, this is the day
of the Harvest Festival
When you awake at dawn,
your mother holds you close
before she helps you dress,
then places a necklace of bone and metal
around your neck.
She sighs as she daubs your cheeks
with red pigment, and gives
you cocoa leaf to chew.

Your heart beats quickly,
and you hide tears that the god
would frown upon..
you must be brave and smile
as you present yourself to him.

You hear people cheer as they walk
with you up the mountain to the volcano;
you wonder why the god wants you
and not a tender goat?

It is so cold, and the gray shawl
around your shoulders does not
keep the chill away..
They give you corn liquor that burns
like fire as it enters your throat.
Your mind falters as you sit placidly
waiting...you fall asleep wondering
when he will come..

You have been waiting for 500 years;
your sightless eyes closed in death,
your frozen hands folded primly on your lap.

His day will never come!


Judith Labriola

Here is the story that inspired this poem..

http://news.aol.com/story/ar/_a/incan-mumm...S00010000000001




Original Version...

La Doncella you are clothes
in fine garments,
and around your neck is a necklace
of bone and metal.
Dormant hands lay primly on your lap...
sightless eyes are closed in death.

The gentle expression on your face.
belies the 500 years you've slept
a frozen death on that precipice
in Argentina,
a human sacrifice to the Inca God
of the Corn Harvest.

Was there a procession the day
of the Festival?
Did the crowd cheer you on, and carry
you on their shoulders as they walked
up the mountain?
Did you feel sorrow, knowing
this was the end of your short
time on earth?
We'll never know.

Perhaps you were perfectly
preserved for five centuries
to let others know that this
is not a gift any god wants!
--

Judith Anne Labriola

[/center]

[JaxMyth]

La Doncella, you are clothed
in fine garments,
and around your neck is a necklace
of bone and metal.
Dormant hands lay primly on your lap...
sightless eyes are closed in death.

The gentle expression on your face.
belies the 500 years you've slept
a frozen death on that precipice
in Argentina,
a human sacrifice to the Inca God
of the Corn Harvest.

Was there a procession the day
of the Festival?
Did the crowd cheer you on, and carry
you on their shoulders as they walked
up the mountain?
Did you feel sorrow, knowing
this was the end of your short
time on earth?
We'll never know.

Perhaps you were perfectly
preserved for five centuries
to let others know that this
is not a gift any god wants!
--

Judith Anne Labriola

Here is the full story and I picture of La Doncella

http://news.aol.com/story/ar/_a/incan-mumm...S00010000000001

Hi Judi,

This one does nothing for me. it is 'telly' and prosaic.

Sorry to be negative but you take me nowhere beyond the surface and this is nowhere near your normal high standard.

This site discussing Heaney on the bog people has a degree of currency:

http://www.stanford.edu/~stagle/ESSAYS/SPR...0Punishment.htm

Regards,

Jax



http://www.stanford.edu/~stagle/ESSAYS/SPR...0Punishment.htm

[Judi]

Jax,

It has been hard for me to put into words the feelings this article stirred in me..
and I may never get there with this one...thanks for giving your opinion, negative or positive..Judi

[4rum]

Dear Judi;

I think the addition of two words in the first line would do it for me.



La Doncella, sweet maiden

you are clothed................................

Then the rest, for me would follow with much more meaning and understanding. Understanding of both your subject and your feeling FOR the subject.

Just a suggestion for your consideration. I do like the write and appreciate the inspiration this docile little form evoked in you.

sam

[Judi]

Thanks so much...I needed some kind words today, and you gave them to me...Sweet maiden it will be when I revise...Judi

[Merlin]

Hello Judi,

I must agree with Jax that this is too telly and lacking in showy. I’ll illustrate a little below, but first, a short ramble. Bear with me.

Archeologists do one thing – they declare pretty well everything as some sort of religious event. In this case, the mummy is a sacrifice to the gods, but who really knows for certain. She might have been out with her family gathering food high in the mountains, and met with a fatal accident. Her folks, skilled in the art of mummification, decided to leave her there, instead of packing the body back down for burial. She might have been a victim of foul play being out with someone, exploring the mountain meadows. Point being, we don’t know for sure and therefore, your window is open to create a story.

Sacrificial persons, as I have read, were reared from childhood because of their good looks. They were treated as, and considered god-like. It was their duty in life to be a sacrifice, so they were prepared for that event. Today’s suicide-bombers also sacrifice themselves, for a belief that I’ll never understand. Point is, you could make her a god-like person and give the reader some color in your poem.

Now the poem – V1,
La Doncella, you are clothed
in fine garments,
and around your neck is a necklace
of bone and metal.
Dormant hands lay primly on your lap...
sightless eyes are closed in death.

L1 states she is clothed. Is that the best verb you could find?
L2 says in garments. What else would she be clothed in? Does the reader know if she wore silk, burlap, evening gown, pantaloons, or any sort of material?
L3 tells me she wore a necklace around her neck. Hey – who would have guessed the necklace is around the neck? That’s called redundant, tautology, pleonasm, etc.
L4 says it’s bone and metal. Ok, what kind of metal? Gold, silver, bronze, iron, or nun of the above.
L5 – I’ve gotten to where the three dots are annoying, even while I am very guilty of their use myself.
L6 – once again, redundancy of sightless – closed – death. I’d suggest the sightless eyes seeing the rain-god, or whoever was the sacrificial beneficiary. It would encapsulate the death situation.



There tis. I’ve given a few ideas that hopefully will be helpful. You certainly have the subject matter, and with a bit of creativity, a story to be told. Good Luck.

Merlin

[4rum]

I'm sure a dozen writers will have a dozen interpretations about 'most anything they read. I got a totally different perspective from this poem. Besides... both Snow White and The Little Mermaid have already been written.

I see this as almost a lament, a compassionate reflection of an actual event. The feeling gentrated in looking upon what was a living, breathing being. The acceptance of historical values tempered with humanity. I too wonder what this childs life and death might have been like.

I guess I just see a quiet, reflective, thought about a subject that holds much interest to the writer. I've certainly seen more somber writes to objects much less deserving of reverence.

Just my opinion... I still like the write.

blessin's ya'll
Sam

[Judi]

Jax, I hope I have redeemed myself with this revision...Judi..

And I was not upset with your reply...I do appreciate your email but you owed me no apology. I was hindered a lot by the article itself, but gave myself some leeway with imagination. Judi

[JaxMyth]

Clappin'!!!!!

Big smile


Jax

[Judi]

Jax...I am glad that I have your approval...I pay close attention to you and Merlin, and try to revise and follow your suggestions. I appreciate all comments..that is what makes a poem the best that it can be. Judi

[Judi]

Merlin, I have done a complete revision of this poem and hope that the changes are more what you were telling me about. I have worked hard on this poem, and value everyone's opinions. That is how a poem achieves what it is supposed to. Judi

[Merlin]

Hi Judi,

The fact that you are willing to make changes is to your benefit, and the way to grow in this hobby. I have met those who are completely opposed to changes.

My style of critique is that I really don't hand much out any more, after doing it for quite a few years even being resident expert on one site for a length of time. I sometimes do an overall, if any, but I don’t like to impose my thoughts about each line necessarily. The wording of a poem should belonging to the writer, not me; and after giving suggestions I’m expecting the writer to apply those throughout as well. That is why I rarely return for added comments.

I’m pleased that you’ve given thought to improvement, and are happy with the results. That’s the most important in the end, isn’t it?

Best

Merlin

[Lady Poet]

Judi dear,

This revision is superb. The changing of the last to lines is excellent! With the emotions
you used to paint this poignant and evocative poem are now substantially more stirring and easier (for me) to relate to. Every culture has it's human sacrifice, Christ was ours...and we're
still waiting too...thankfully not as she was.

Thank you for the link, it was a sad but fascinating read, and I believe you captured the spirit of it most eloquently. I see no more need for any changes.

(((Hugs))) Pami

[Judi]

Erik..

It was very difficult to transpose my feelings to paper after seeing that picture and article...all I wanted to do was hug her and carry her away somewhere .safe..she looks like she is just asleep...a modern day snow-white waiting for her prince (of darkness) She may have been very proud of being the "chosen" one, but I tried to convey the fact that she still had to have "human" misgivings. Thanks to you and Jax you both nudged me into making her a real person on paper, instead of just an article...I am happy with it now...Again, I am so happy you got "honorable mention" with your FIRST FV poem...once you start writing them, you get addicted to them....Rhymed poetry is fine for an exercise, like scales in playing the piano. (((hug))) Judi

[Judi]

Judi dear,

This revision is superb. The changing of the last to lines is excellent! With the emotions
you used to paint this poignant and evocative poem are now substantially more stirring and easier (for me) to relate to. Every culture has it's human sacrifice, Christ was ours...and we're
still waiting too...thankfully not as she was.

Thank you for the link, it was a sad but fascinating read, and I believe you captured the spirit of it most eloquently. I see no more need for any changes.

(((Hugs))) Pami

Pami...I want to thank you for being so appreciative of my revision...I have worked long and hard on this one, as I do all my FV poems of any length..I keep in mind that most places (with few exceptions) that one submits to, want only FV poems. If you look at the winners at IBPC, you will see who the winners are...I guess of all the ones I have written, "Marta" was the one I spent the most time on...and had workshopped in several places...Many eyes make the best poem...this one also was received appreciatively...Take care sweet girl ((((Hugs))) Judi

[Merlin]

Me again,

this comment isn't really applicable here, but since this is where I've commented, I'll add more.
We share thru-out this hobby, and I'll share this little program that will come in very handy, perhaps more-so in Herman's forum, but here tis.

These folks have a variety of things available for free download. One program I use extensively, because it is really unobtrusive. I can have its window open since it's only small, along with my word processor, and scroll down the list of words to see what fits into whatever I'm working on, visible alongside. That's the best feature. Click here >> Rhyme or else you can get there from the above link by checking down the "Software" column, scroll to "Misc Music Utilities" and click "Rhyme".

Enjoy.

Merlin

[Judi]

Hi Erik..

Thanks a lot ...now all I have to do is figure how to use it and what version to download....Judi

[AMETHYST]

Hi Judi,

I hope you don't mind me bumping this up a bit. I have had limited on line time and hadn't gotten the opportunity to read and comment on this. I've been skimming some of the more recent poems down the page and came across this - I really felt this is strong and it stirred some thoughts.

Of course, anything I leave as per suggestions are free to use or lose and I hope I leave something that is in line with your intent for a finalized poem. What I thought might enhance this was some weeding out of words to sharpen or create a more crisp image through out.

Hugs, Liz ...

Revision 3
Sweet maiden, this is the day
of Festival of the corn god.

I thought these opening lines to introduce the connection between the beautiful image and the poem stands strong...

As you awake at dawn,
your mother holds you close before
she helps you dress,
then places a necklace of bone and metal
around your neck.
She sighs as she daubs your cheeks
with red pigment, and gives
you coca leaf to chew.

Some thoughts on weeding out here ... Please accept my apology for leaving examples, but I am trying to get some long awaited comments to many posts and am limited for online time - but couldn't get myself to over look this wonderful poem.

As you wake by dawn,
mother holds you close -
she helps you dress,
then places a necklace of bone (line break)
and metal around your neck.
She sighs, (another line break)
daubs your cheeks
with red pigment, and offers (suggested word change)
a coco leaf to chew.

Your heart beats quickly,
and you hide tears the god
would frown upon.
You must be brave and smile
as you present yourself to him.

Perhaps another word other than 'quickly'
maybe "Your heart quickens' omitting beats/quickly.
In L3, did you mean that God would frown upon, or the gods would frown upon?

Example:

Your heart quickens,
while hiding tears the Gods
would frown upon.
You must be brave, and smile
as you present yourself
to him.

You hear people cheer as they walk
with you up the mountain to the volcano;
you wonder why the god wants you
and not a tender goat?

People cheer as they walk
with you up the mountain,
nearing the volcano; wondering
why the God wants you
and not a tender goat?

I am trying to offer ideas to weed out the 'you's as I felt there are too many through out each stanza.

It is so cold, and the gray shawl
around your shoulders does not
keep the chill away.
They give you corn liquor to drink
that burns as it enters your throat.
Your mind falters as you sit placidly
waiting...you fall asleep wondering
when he will come.

To create a forceful tone, perhaps ...

It's cold. The gray shawl
around your shoulders
cannot keep the chill away -
They give you corn liquor (omit to drink)
that burns, as it coats your throat.
Your mind falters, placidly
you sit ... waiting
you fall asleep fretting
when he will come.

You have been waiting for 500 years...
your sightless eyes closed in death,
your frozen hands lay primly on your lap.

He did not come
He will never come.

Waiting - 500 years ...
sightless eyes closed in death,
frozen hands lay primly
on your lap.

waiting ...

The ending lines I thought to suggest leaving the reader with 'waiting...' to give the reader that momentum of thought provoking silence ...