Sufferage of beauty, it's actually a song, hope you like it Options

[Guest__*]

It’s all she wants to be
It’s all she seems to see
She hides all her mirrors
Afraid of the beast she’ll find
The one that’s taking over her
The one that makes her blind
She just wants someone to care for her
But all the slim ones they prefer
The shallow ones are digging up a hole
And all she can do is fall further…

Chorus
And people don’t seem to understand
All the more they continue to demand
For her sufferage, to become dangerously thin
Not realizing it’s a painful battle she may not win
She runs and runs and runs….
Off all the fat she imagines….
She runs and runs and runs…
And she gets no where….

In her delusional mind, she’s finally in control
Being beautiful of skin and bones is her goal
She doesn’t see she’s not in power
She doesn’t see it’s the disease
She’s blinded, weight is all she can see
She’s trapped and she thinks that she’s free
Why are the shallow ones hurting such a gorgeous girl?
Why do we have to live in such a superficial world?
Why can’t she see….?
Her inner beauty…

Chorus X2

So those on the brink of bulimia
Exercise exhaustion or anorexia
Throw away all your scales!
Destroy all your mirrors!
Listen to me, if you want to see the real you…
Look into the eyes of someone who truly loves you…
See the beauty they say…
Something that’s named…
Individuality


Please post, constructive critism is much wanted!!!

happy thanksgiving!
~  Rockett ~

[Guest__*]

Dear Rockett

WELCOME to Mosaic Musings !

This certainly contains a powerful message. If it were a poem, I would offer some "tightening-up", but as it is a song, it also has to fit with the music, so I have no idea where any words I cut would affect this relationship.

Let's have more from you !

Love
Alan

[Guest_Zeus²_*]

Hi Rockett and welcome to MM,
A rather good piece outlining the restoration of one's self esteem.
Might try eliminating some of the repetitive words in each stanza, ie: the, starting some of the sentences with and. [ ] = delete
Great effort. Use or lose.
Larry

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It’s all she wants to be
[It’s] all she seems to see
She hides all her mirrors
Afraid of the beast she’ll find
The one that’s taking over her
[The] one that makes her blind
She just wants someone to care for her
But all the slim ones they prefer
The shallow ones are digging up a hole
[And] all she can do is fall further…

Chorus
[And] people don’t seem to understand >>>> The
All the more they continue to demand
For her sufferage, to become dangerously thin
Not realizing it’s a painful battle she may not win
She runs and runs and runs…. >>>>>off should be on this line
Off all the fat she imagines….
[She] runs and runs and runs…
[And she] gets no where….

In her delusional mind, she’s finally in control
Being beautiful of skin and bones is her goal
She doesn’t see she’s not in power
[She ]doesn’t see it’s the disease
[She’s] blinded, weight is all she can see
[She’s] trapped and she thinks that she’s free
Why are the shallow ones hurting such a gorgeous girl?
[Why] do we have to live in such a superficial world?
[Why ]can’t she see….?
Her inner beauty…

Chorus X2

So those on the brink of bulimia
Exercise exhaustion or anorexia
Throw away all your scales!
Destroy all your mirrors!
Listen to me, if you want to see the real you…
Look into the eyes of someone who truly loves you…
See the beauty they say…
Something that’s named…
Individuality

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Rockett and WELCOME TO MM!


I can picture this as a song as you have indicated in your piece. In poetry, we usually try to delete any un-necessary words (or repeats thereof) and so I'm sure which is your intention?

A strong message!

Here's a few ideas to take or toss below. One of my policing things, is on the CAPS in each line. Can you revise where they are not needed please? THX!

Cheers!
Cleo  


It’s all she wants to be
It’s all she seems to see.
She hides all her mirrors
afraid of the beast she’ll find
The one that’s takinges over her
The one that makes her blind.

I would break it there above.

She just wants someone to care for her
but all the slim ones ~ they prefer.
The shallow ones are digging up a hole
and all she can do is fall further…

Chorus
And people don’t seem to understand
All the more they continue to demand
For her sufferage, to become dangerously thin
Not realizing it’s a painful battle she may not win
She runs and runs and runs….
Off all the fat she imagines….
She runs and runs and runs…
And {still} she gets {goes} nowhere….

In her delusional mind, she’s finally in control
being beautiful of skin and bones, is her goal;
She doesn’t see she’s not in power
She doesn’t see it’s the disease
She’s blinded, weight is all she can see
She’s trapped and she thinks that she’s free.
Why are the shallow ones hurting such a gorgeous girl?
Why do we have to live in such a superficial world?
Why can’t she see….?
Her inner beauty…

Chorus X2

So those on the brink of bulimia
Exercise exhaustion or anorexia
Throw away all your scales!
Destroy all your mirrors!
Listen to me, if you want to see the real you…
Look into the eyes of someone who truly loves you…
See the beauty they say…
Something that’s named…
Individuality