Momentous Steps ~ Revised 5/11/07, Wizard Award Options

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cathy,

I apologize for not being active in the beginnings of the growth for this poem. It is a very strong poem and the content and subject is quite heart wrenching, as well as relative to those who have sent, lost or worry daily about their family members over seas...

I have read the various revisions and your latest is nearest to what I consider polished. You've gotten some excellent feedback, this thread is surely an excellent example of workshopping and team work for the good of learning and poetry.

Big Hugs, Liz ...

PS I am keeping your son in my thoughts. Let us know where we can send him cards and things to keep his spirits up.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy,

I apologize for not being active in the beginnings of the growth for this poem. It is a very strong poem and the content and subject is quite heart wrenching, as well as relative to those who have sent, lost or worry daily about their family members over seas...

No apologies necessary Liz!

I changed the 'little man' to 'little one' for that very reason. I wanted others to be able to relate to the poem.

I have read the various revisions and your latest is nearest to what I consider polished. You've gotten some excellent feedback, this thread is surely an excellent example of workshopping and team work for the good of learning and poetry.

I'm pretty happy with it at the moment. As a matter of fact I've sent a copy to Anthony. I hope he likes it!

I got a lot of great feedback. This is the way to do it!

Big Hugs, Liz ...

PS I am keeping your son in my thoughts. Let us know where we can send him cards and things to keep his spirits up.

Thank you Liz! I appreciate that alot. I can post his address in the proper forum for announcements and stuff for anyone who's interested. And thank you!

Hugs,
Cathy

[AMETHYST]

Yes I saw that change and immediately thought that worked well to make it as universal as it could be. That would be great if you could post his address in the announcements forum, I know I would enjoy sending him some funnies and uplifting thoughts, as well as Lauren could send him some pictures she draws or paints! Just give him a heads up who we are so he doesn't think we're some funky weird bunch stalking hm! LOL

Hugs, Liz

Hi Cathy,

I apologize for not being active in the beginnings of the growth for this poem. It is a very strong poem and the content and subject is quite heart wrenching, as well as relative to those who have sent, lost or worry daily about their family members over seas...

No apologies necessary Liz!

I changed the 'little man' to 'little one' for that very reason. I wanted others to be able to relate to the poem.

I have read the various revisions and your latest is nearest to what I consider polished. You've gotten some excellent feedback, this thread is surely an excellent example of workshopping and team work for the good of learning and poetry.

I'm pretty happy with it at the moment. As a matter of fact I've sent a copy to Anthony. I hope he likes it!

I got a lot of great feedback. This is the way to do it!

Big Hugs, Liz ...

PS I am keeping your son in my thoughts. Let us know where we can send him cards and things to keep his spirits up.

Thank you Liz! I appreciate that alot. I can post his address in the proper forum for announcements and stuff for anyone who's interested. And thank you!

Hugs,
Cathy

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Your latest revision is nearly there. Perhaps it IS there. I suggest a bit of tidying, though this may not fit your intentions. My 'tidying' is for the sake of relative strength of stresses, for sense, and for ease of reading:


You'd scoop up every grain of sand

Every? 'Every' has to be shortened, 'ev'ry' to fit, and it isn't strictly true, is it? He didn't scoop up EVERY grain of sand, did he. He'd be there forever if he did that. What about

You'd scoop up lots of grains of sand

or something like it.

You'd scoop up bucketsful of sand

for instance.

It should really be 'tiny hands,' too, but that's your choice.


*
Upon discovering how to walk,
'my little one', you knew your way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand
and build a fort with tiny hand
to bivouac army soldiers where

your thrill outran mobility
while seeking jeeps in camouflage.

I suggest 'there' instead of 'where.'

Then begin a new sentence:

Your thrill outran mobility
when seeking jeeps in camouflage

Perhaps a semicolon there, after camouflage.

my little one doesn't need to be in ' ...' marks really. In fact you could rewrite that line because it doesn't have to rhyme with anything, so you have freedom to do what you like with it. Like, for instance:

Upon discovering how to walk
my son, you always knew your way

You've made great strides with this, Cathy, and I am proud of you.

Here, for instance, the metre is admirable:


A cadence now commands your steps
to distant military drums,
their deep percussive rhythms start
to echo pride within your heart.
In tapping inner strength you dare

to march against a foreign foe
with liberty in fervent sight
across the desert's blinding sands;
an M-16 in able hands...
your eyes alive with freedom's flare.

A semicolon after 'drums' would be good, because what follows pertains to, and enlarges on, the sentence before.

Take or leave, Cathy. Yours in the spirit of helpfulness, K

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Liz,

Yes I saw that change and immediately thought that worked well to make it as universal as it could be. That would be great if you could post his address in the announcements forum, I know I would enjoy sending him some funnies and uplifting thoughts, as well as Lauren could send him some pictures she draws or paints! Just give him a heads up who we are so he doesn't think we're some funky weird bunch stalking hm! LOL

Hugs, Liz

LOL I'll do that! And thank you!

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Your latest revision is nearly there. Perhaps it IS there. I suggest a bit of tidying, though this may not fit your intentions. My 'tidying' is for the sake of relative strength of stresses, for sense, and for ease of reading:

Thanks Kathy!


You'd scoop up every grain of sand

Every? 'Every' has to be shortened, 'ev'ry' to fit, and it isn't strictly true, is it? He didn't scoop up EVERY grain of sand, did he. He'd be there forever if he did that.

A lot of people pronounce 'every' with 2 syllables, including me. That's where I get messed up when it comes to meter. Anyhoo, it wasn't meant to be quite literal... LOL Just an indication that he did scoop up lots of sand. Written that way doesn't work for me though... I don't care for two 'of's so close together. I like the second suggestion although he didn't use a bucket, but who would know right? LOL
What about

You'd scoop up lots of grains of sand

or something like it.

You'd scoop up bucketsful of sand

for instance.

It should really be 'tiny hands,' too, but that's your choice.

Yes it should be... I'll reconsider that. Thanks!


*
Upon discovering how to walk,
'my little one', you knew your way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand
and build a fort with tiny hand
to bivouac army soldiers where

your thrill outran mobility
while seeking jeeps in camouflage.

I suggest 'there' instead of 'where.'

Then begin a new sentence:

Your thrill outran mobility
when seeking jeeps in camouflage

That was my original thought... I don't know why I changed it.

You'd scoop up every grain of sand
to build a fort with tiny hand
and bivouac army soldiers there.

Perhaps a semicolon there, after camouflage.

my little one doesn't need to be in ' ...' marks really. In fact you could rewrite that line because it doesn't have to rhyme with anything, so you have freedom to do what you like with it. Like, for instance:

Upon discovering how to walk
my son, you always knew your way

Yes I could... and may yet. It started with 'little man' cause that's what we called him. The 'little one' was intended to make the poem universal so I probably won't use 'son' but that doesn't mean that it can't be changed to something else. I will think on it...

You've made great strides with this, Cathy, and I am proud of you.

Thank you!

Here, for instance, the metre is admirable:


A cadence now commands your steps
to distant military drums,
their deep percussive rhythms start
to echo pride within your heart.
In tapping inner strength you dare

to march against a foreign foe
with liberty in fervent sight
across the desert's blinding sands;
an M-16 in able hands...
your eyes alive with freedom's flare.

A semicolon after 'steps' would be good, because what follows pertains to, and enlarges on, the sentence before.

Even with line 2 beginning with 'to'? I thought that made it sound like it should run together.

Take or leave, Cathy. Yours in the spirit of helpfulness, K

And it's taken in the spirit that it's given. I appreciate you coming back again and offering further thoughts. You've given me some things to think about that hopefully improve the overall effect of the poem.

Thanks ever so much~
Cathy

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Cathy, you caught me! I snuck in and changed it because I'd put the wrong word. It should have been after 'drums'. But you saw it before it got changed. He he. -red face- shuffle, shuffle.

[Eisa]

Wow Cathy -- this has transformed since I last looked at it. Well done -- this is what I call excellent workshopping! Your perseverance has done you proud -- and made us proud of you too.

Momentous Steps

Upon discovering how to walk,
'my little one', you knew your way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand
and build a fort with tiny hand
to bivouac army soldiers where

your thrill outran mobility
while seeking jeeps in camouflage.
Sidestepping drums and wikiup
you'd always end up bottom-up...
your eyes alight with impish flair.

A cadence now commands your steps
to distant military drums,
their deep percussive rhythms start
to echo pride within your heart.
In tapping inner strength you dare

to march against a foreign foe
with liberty in fervent sight
across the desert's blinding sands;
an M-16 in able hands...
your eyes alive with freedom's flare.

I feel this is very good as it stands, but if you want to be pernickety ... there are quite a few you/you'd/you've throughout this (someone once pointed this out in one of mine a while ago) You could perhaps get rid of a couple. The part I notice it most is


your thrill outran mobility
while seeking jeeps in camouflage.
Sidestepping drums and wikiup
you'd always end up bottom-up...
your eyes alight with impish flair.

A cadence now commands your steps

Good luck if you decide to take this direction.

Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Wow Cathy - this is really coming along - I came in a bit late.

What a wonderful show of time passing by andhow your son has grown into a fine man, ready to fight for our freedom's causes. You must be so proud!

I have just a few ideas - this is really come quite far already! Please take or toss as you wish.

HUGS
~Cleo


Upon discovering how to walk, (I don’t think you need that comma)
'my little one', you knew your way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand
and build a fort with tiny hand
to bivouac army soldiers where

your thrill outran mobility (how about: ‘your zest outran mobility’ instead?)
while seeking jeeps in camouflage.
Sidestepping drums and wikiup
you'd always end up bottom-up...
your eyes alight with impish flair.
Very nice!

A cadence now commands your steps
to distant military drums, (colon?)
their deep percussive rhythms start
to echo pride within your heart.
In tapping inner strength you dare

to march against a foreign foe
with liberty in fervent sight
across the desert's blinding sands;
an M-16 in able hands...
your eyes alive with freedom's flare.
Great ending!

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Cathy, of course it's fine to shorten every. I do it all the time, both in ev'ry-day speech, and when reading poetry. It's one of those words that can have two syllables or one. Likewise 'discov'ring' can have three or four. It's called elision, in poetry. There's no problem in scansion for a considerate reader, though it is frowned on by many at a competitive level.

You're right about the two 'to's, that's why I suggested 'bucket.'

This poem is one to be proud of, and I know your son will be moved when he gets it.

Congratulations!

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Snow,

I know that there's a lot of you/your in here. I took some out and then put some back in... LOL I'll have to see what I can do with them!

Thanks for the continued support~

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Wow Cathy - this is really coming along - I came in a bit late.

What a wonderful show of time passing by andhow your son has grown into a fine man, ready to fight for our freedom's causes. You must be so proud!

I am very proud! *smiles*

I have just a few ideas - this is really come quite far already! Please take or toss as you wish.

HUGS
~Cleo


Upon discovering how to walk, (I don’t think you need that comma) Ok... darn punctuation anyway! LOL
'my little one', you knew your way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand
and build a fort with tiny hand
to bivouac army soldiers where

your thrill outran mobility (how about: ‘your zest outran mobility’ instead?)

A possibility! Thanks~
while seeking jeeps in camouflage.
Sidestepping drums and wikiup
you'd always end up bottom-up...
your eyes alight with impish flair.
Very nice!

Thank you!

A cadence now commands your steps
to distant military drums, (colon?) Or semi-colon?
their deep percussive rhythms start
to echo pride within your heart.
In tapping inner strength you dare

to march against a foreign foe
with liberty in fervent sight
across the desert's blinding sands;
an M-16 in able hands...
your eyes alive with freedom's flare.
Great ending!

Thanks Lori... and thanks for taking the time to stop in!

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Cathy, of course it's fine to shorten every. I do it all the time, both in ev'ry-day speech, and when reading poetry. It's one of those words that can have two syllables or one. Likewise 'discov'ring' can have three or four. It's called elision, in poetry. There's no problem in scansion for a considerate reader, though it is frowned on by many at a competitive level.

I'm not at the competitive level often so I guess I'm ok! ROFL

You're right about the two 'to's, that's why I suggested 'bucket.'

I'm considering that suggestion... too! LOL

This poem is one to be proud of, and I know your son will be moved when he gets it.

Congratulations!

Thanks Kathy!

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I've posted a revision and I'd appreciate any further thoughts.

I want to thank everyone who has helped with comments and crits!

Cathy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Congrats Cathy on your wizard award winning tile!

Well done!

~Cleo

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thank you again Lori! LOL There was a lot of great workshopping going on here!

Cathy

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cathy,

Congratulations on your Wizard Award and the most recent revisions. It is at it's height of perfection. I love how the meter leads me, as if a waltz to the sounds of the various music mentioned within the poem -

This is a winner.

Hugs, Liz ...

PS Yes ... the workshopping in this thread amazed me. It is a prime example of members coming together with their ideas and assistance - in making a strong poem, heroic ...