Forest Fair -- revised May 9, 2007, Wizard Award ~ Kyrielle Sonnet Options

[Guest_Don_*]

. . . .

-------Revision 03----posted June 05, 2007-----

Forest Fare

We know the woods of Make Believe
where fancies fly and never leave,
and crystal streams yet twinkle slow
below a wispy, misty bow.

The elves and pixies join in song,
a harpist trails and plays along,
and sets the woodland green aglow
below a wispy, misty bow.

Delight pervades the forest fair
as silken wingspans flirt in air
to stage a minute elfin show
below a wispy, misty bow.

We know the woods of Make Believe
below a wispy, misty bow.

© 2007, D.E. Holmes
09 May

Form: Kyrielle Sonnet
Meter: Iambic tetrameter
Rhyme Scheme: AabB ccbB ddbB AB

-------Revision 02----posted May 09, 2007-----

Forest Fair

We know the woods of Make Believe
where fancies fly and never leave;
and crystal streams yet twinkle snow
below a wispy, misty bow.

The elves and pixies join in song,
a trailing harpist plays along,
and sets the woodland green aglow
below a wispy, misty bow.

Delight pervades the forest fair
as silken wingspans flutter here
to stage a minute elfish show
below a wispy, misty bow.

We know the woods of Make Believe
below a wispy, misty bow.

© 2007, D.E. Holmes
09 May

Form: Kyrielle Sonnet
Meter: Iambic tetrameter
Rhyme Scheme: AabB ccbB ddbB AB


-------Revision 01----posted April 28, 2007-----

Forest Fair

We know the woods of Make Believe
where fancies fly and never leave,
calm crystal streams still trickle slow
below a wispy, misty bow.

The elves and pixies prance along
a harpist’s trail of merry song
to set the woodland green aglow
below a wispy, misty bow.

Delight pervades the forest fair
as silken wingspans flutter there
on stage of tiny person’s show
below a wispy, misty bow.

We know the woods of Make Believe
below a wispy, misty bow.

© 2007, D.E. Holmes
05 April

Form: Kyrielle Sonnet
Meter: Iambic tetrameter
Rhyme Scheme: AabB ccbB ddbB AB

---------Original------------------

Forest Fair

In woods, we know as Make Believe,
where fancies fly and never leave;
and gemstone streams still trickle slow
below a wispy, misty bow.

The elves and pixies prance along
on merry trail of harpist song,
which wafts throughout the green aglow,
below a wispy, misty bow.

Delight pervades palatial fair
as silken wingspans flutter there
to stage prodigious forest show
below a wispy, misty bow.

In woods, we know as Make Believe,
below a wispy, misty bow.

© 2007, D.E. Holmes
30 March

Form: Kyrielle Sonnet
Meter: Iambic tetrameter
Rhyme Scheme: AabB ccbB ddbB AB

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Don.

This is such a fun poem! I love the refrains and the theme here. Is this a new genre for you? It is fantastic!

Anywho, I jotted down a few ideas for you to ponder as you wish. I like this place of yours!

Cheers
~Cleo


[add] {delete} (comment)


In woods, we know as Make Believe,
where fancies fly and never leave;
and gemstone streams still trickle slow
below a wispy, misty bow{.} […] (suggest a change to an ellipse since you continuing the thought to the next stanza)

The elves and pixies prance along
on merry trail[s] of harpist song{,}[;]
which wafts throughout the green aglow,
(and set the woodland green aglow)
below a wispy, misty bow.

Delight pervades palatial fair
as silken wingspans flutter there
to stage {prodigious} [fantastic] forest show
below a wispy, misty bow.

In woods, we know as Make Believe,
below a wispy, misty bow.

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Cleo,

The Kyrielle version of sonnet is new to me. This is my first, thanks to guidance of Aggie.

I am not certain I wish to enjamb first stanza into second as it would be a very long sentence. A comma will do nicely if I choose to enjamb.

Your complete line suggestion using "woodland" will probably be incorporated.

Your suggested "fantastic" replacing "prodigious" will also probably be incorporated.

Intend to pause for additional input if forthcoming.

Thanks for your sharp ear and eye.

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Dear Cleo,

The Kyrielle version of sonnet is new to me. This is my first, thanks to guidance of Aggie.

I am not certain I wish to enjamb first stanza into second as it would be a very long sentence. A comma will do nicely if I choose to enjamb.

Your complete line suggestion using "woodland" will probably be incorporated.

Your suggested "fantastic" replacing "prodigious" will also probably be incorporated.

Intend to pause for additional input if forthcoming.

Thanks for your sharp ear and eye.

Don

Hi Don,

Glad to hear you are trying new forms, you, Sylvia, Kathy and Liz all inspired me to write a sonnet this morning - so it's catchy!

No worries on my suggestion to extend S1 - I have another couple of ideas for you now in light of that.

In woods, we know as Make Believe,
where fancies fly and never leave;
{and} ['bright, quaint, calm' - something along those lines] gemstone streams still trickle slow
below a wispy, misty bow.

Cheers
~Cleo

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Cleo,

Again some of your replacement words tickle improvement. At onetime "gemstone" was "diamond," but failed meter. Your suggested "calm" allows the line to become:
"calm crystal streams still trickle slow."

Now alliteration of calm/crystal is added, crystal (which I could not think of under pressure) reinstated the clarity of original diamond, and three words emphasis peace that water conveys of calm/trickle/slow. Of course, the word "still" in context is time, but also sneaks into describing gentle flowing water.

This may become a contest winner, thanks to you and hopefully others.

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hey Don,

This one is already a winner!

Now why didn't I think of that! "calm crystal streams still trickle slow."

SWEET!
~Cleo

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Cleo,

I'm certain you did think of that line. It had yet to emerge from your subconscious. We do realize that "Calm crystal stream" is cliché. Some of us are in the belief that a cliché used judicially is a worn chair in which to comfortably relax.

Thanks a whale full of oil,

Don

[Merlin]

V1 confuses me right off the start >>>

In woods, we know as Make Believe,
where fancies fly and never leave;
and gemstone streams still trickle slow
below a wispy, misty bow.

I'm reading L1 as a single thought... In woods we know as Make Believe, that it is the woods we know as MB, right?
L2 is then a modifying phrase to those woods, right? It shouldn't end in a ; rather a comma. However, if you remove that modifier as you should be able to do, you're left with >>>

In woods we know as Make Believe,
and gemstone streams still trickle slow
below a wispy, misty bow.

That's where I get buffaloed.

The other possibility is taking out the we know as MB phrase, which leaves us this >>>

In woods
where fancies fly and never leave
and gemstone streams still trickle slow
below a wispy, misty bow.

More buffalo.

Merlin

[Guest_Kathy_*]

It's lovely, Don. Let me take some time to think about it, read it over, and to sleep a bit. I'll be back.

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Merlin,

Thanks for describing the confusion and outlining potential fixes.
Each line must be tetra pentameter. The first line is repeated near the end. The first stanza must be a quatrain.
What I intended will be left unsaid, because the reader controls interpretation.

Thank you for dropping by to highlight a serious problem.

Don

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Dear Don, I like this poem as a Kyrielle, and wonder why the refrain makes it a sonnet? It's not sonnet-like in any other way??? I'm probably a bit of a pain re this, but I think it's more respectful to keep each form seperate.

The Kyrielle is a delicious form; one of my favourites because I love refrains!

Let's have a closer look at yours:


In woods, we know as Make Believe,
where fancies fly and never leave:
and gemstone streams still trickle slow
below a wispy, misty bow.

The first line doesn't need commas, I reckon. You could put one after 'Believe,' I guess, but it's OK in Australia without one there. ie:

In woods we know as Make Believe
where fancies fly and never leave, (I substituted the semicolon for a comma)
and gemstone streams still trickle slow
below a wispy, misty bow.

**** The sentence is incomplete. So you need to put a comma after 'bow.'
I enjoy your assonance and alliteration. The metre pleases me too. 'Gemstone streams' could be a spondee, but for me, all iambs are not the same. (Iambs are not created equal.) There are strong iams, weak ones, and some even weaker. To some extent the strength of syllables preceeding and following any given foot dictates the strength of emphasis. I this stanza, your metre is strong, with definate iambic metre:

In woods/ we know/ as Make/ Believe,/
where fan/cies fly/ and nev/er leave;/

*** so it is easy for me to scan 'gemstone' as iambic with only slightly stronger stress on 'gem':

and gem/stone streams/ still trick/le slow
below/ a wis/py,mis/ty bow.

Yum to the internal rhymes.

Next stanza. Does it follow on from the incomplete sentence of the last stanza?


The elves and pixies prance along
on merry trail of harpist song,
which wafts throughout the green aglow,
below a wispy, misty bow.

Well, it COULD. In woods.... where streams trickle ... below a misty bow the elves and pixies prance..
Alternatively, you could change the first stanza and make two complete sentences?

'on merry trail of harpist song' is not a complete sentence either, sadly. So called 'poetic licence' is not permitted, these days. But a merry trail of harpists' song is perfectly all right, isn't it? I am not sure re the singular/plural here... maybe it has to be 'harpists' songs.' If it's a single harpist it has to be 'a'/'the' harpist, doesn't it? Jolly pest, isn't it! How about 'a harpist's trail of merry song?' Or 'A harpist's merry trail of song'?

You will need to break that sentence soon. Maybe now is good. You can put 'it' instead of 'which'. Thankfully, 'it' is a very weak syll.


Hang on, I'll be back.

[Guest_Kathy_*]

It's a delicious poem, Don. You have some problems re abreviated syntax, as before, but I am confident you can fix 'em. Your metre is perfect.

The last refrain is incomplete too.

Best wishes, Kathy.

[Guest_Kathy_*]

I see Merlin has already addressed the incomplete sentence and the commas. Yes, you could have .... at the end of the first stanza.

'green aglow' is an inversion. But

'green, aglow
below a wispy, misty glow'

is not.

Sorry if I've repeated stuff that others have mentioned. I responded 'cold', so I wouldn't get distracted.

.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Don,

Now this is my kind of poem! I love the fantasy feel that you have created! Using the Kyrielle form seems to add to the mystery of it all. I haven't seen one of these in a while (or written one for that matter). It's nice to see them popping up!

A few thoughts for you to ponder... take or toss! *smiles*

Cathy

In woods, we know as Make Believe,
where fancies fly and never leave;
and gemstone streams still trickle slow
below a wispy, misty bow.

I don't think you need the first comma in line 1. I thought maybe... 'In woods alive with Make Believe,' It might change your intent slightly though. And what about 'rich gemstone..' for line 3? It would be more descriptive than 'and'.

The elves and pixies prance along
on merry trail of harpist song,
which wafts throughout the green[,] aglow{,}
below a wispy, misty bow.

Delight pervades palatial fair
as silken wingspans flutter there
to stage prodigious forest show
below a wispy, misty bow.

Maybe 'fantasial forest show'? for added alliteration. And should 'show' be plural? That's how I want to keep reading it for some reason. Like there would be more than one show throughout the season or some such thing! LOL

In woods, we know as Make Believe,
below a wispy, misty bow.

And of course, if you chose to change it this would be...

In woods alive with Make Believe
below a wispy, misty bow.

[JaxMyth]

Forest Fair

In woods, we know as Make Believe,
where fancies fly and never leave[;](,)
and gemstone streams still trickle slow
below a wispy, misty bow.

The elves and pixies prance along
on merry trail of harpist song,
which wafts throughout the green aglow,
below a wispy, misty bow.

Delight pervades palatial fair
Delight pervades the forest fair repeats the title and is more syntactically whole.
as silken wingspans flutter there
and silken wingspans flutter here
and there to stage their wondrous show or somesuch like
to stage prodigious forest show
below a wispy, misty bow.

In woods, we know as Make Believe,
below a wispy, misty bow.

© 2007, D.E. Holmes
30 March

Form: Kyrielle Sonnet
Meter: Iambic tetrameter
Rhyme Scheme: AabB ccbB ddbB AB

A couple of thoughts Don,

Use or lose,

regards,

Jax

[Psyche]

Hi Don!
You asked for it!! ... so here go some rudimentary commentaries (because my iambic and/or metre knowledge is weak, sorry there).

But I love Kyrielle Sonnets, maybe you'll be tortured soon with some effort of mine...hmmm....

Forest Fair

In woods, we know as Make Believe, No comma after woods, I agree with the others.
where fancies fly and never leave; Comma after leave, OK?
and gemstone streams still trickle slow Qualify gemstone:e.g. 'fair', 'light, 'rich', 'bright'?
below a wispy, misty bow.

I believe this way you would complete the meaning of the stanza? It's a lovely opening S, whatever you decide!

The elves and pixies prance along
on merry trail of harpist song,
which wafts throughout the green aglow, I find 'throughout' a bit wrong, dunno.. How about 'amidst'?
below a wispy, misty bow. You continue to 'paint' delightful imagery, Don.

Delight pervades palatial fair
as silken wingspans flutter there
to stage prodigious forest show
below a wispy, misty bow.

In woods we know as Make Believe,
below a wispy, misty bow...

I feel that if you add suspension dots at the end of your poem, it would make it even more mystical, suggesting that many more magical things, or the same things, will go on repeating infinitely.

© 2007, D.E. Holmes
30 March

Well, Don, that's my bit! Sorry if I've messed up some of your ideas, just toss it all out as you please!
Congrats, Syl ***

Form: Kyrielle Sonnet
Meter: Iambic tetrameter
Rhyme Scheme: AabB ccbB ddbB AB

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Sylvia,

Thanks for dropping your coins into the fountain. Will get around to revising in near future. Contest for which this was intented is over. The rush is off of the bush.

Looking forward to seeing yours.

Don

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi all,

Revision 01 posted in initial thread tile.

Thanks all.

Don

[Aggiel]

Don,

I have a special liking for Kyrielle Sonnet. I have been watching this thread
with interest and think you have made good progress with this imaginative
piece of work. You revision 1 is a great improvement from the original.

Would you mind if I chip in my few cents ?

The first stanza:

We know the woods of Make Believe
where fancies fly and never leave,
calm crystal streams still trickle slow
below a wispy, misty bow.


Line 1, We know the wood of Make Believe, doesn’t say much.

Why not change it to : Surreal lies Woods of Make Believe

Line 3 calm crystal streams still trickle slow,

Instead of calm use the conjunction and to connect two ideas for
continuity. So the edited stanza will read :-

Surreal lies Woods of Make Believe
where fancies fly and never leave
and crystal streams still trickle slow
below a wispy, misty bow.

In text form :

Surreal lies Woods of Make Believe where fancies fly and never leave
and crystal streams still trickle slow, below a wispy, misty bow.

So your final couplet will read as below, a complete thought:-

Surreal lies Woods of Make Believe,
below a wispy, misty bow.

I love stanza 2 :

The elves and pixies prance along
a harpist’s trail of merry song
to set the woodland green aglow ( replace to with and )
below a wispy, misty bow.

As for stanza 3 ,

Delight pervades the forest fair
as silken wingspans flutter there
on stage of tiny person’s show
below a wispy, misty bow.

line 3 my suggested line is:

to stage a minute elfish show

Just my thought for you to choose or discard.

Aggie

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Don, I like the opening line here:

We know the woods of Make Believe
where fancies fly and never leave,
calm crystal streams still trickle slow
below a wispy, misty bow.

'Know' rhymes with 'slow' and 'bow'. An internal rhyme is a plus in my book. As I noted before, your poetic devices add a lot to this poem. It's beautifully musical.

For me there's no problem in expanding the content of L1 with L2.

'calm' is close to the stress value of 'crystal,' but that's OK. A lesser stress would increase the flow though. A simple 'and' would do it, though that makes two 'and's together. So maybe 'flying fancies never leave'???

We know the woods of Make Believe
where flying fancies never leave
and crystal streams still trickle slow
below a wispy, misty bow.


You've fixed the sense of the first stanza; it's a complete sentence now.

If you want to keep it as is, a semicolon after 'leave' would aid the flow of it; that sentence is followed by one that expands its meaning.


We know the woods of Make Believe
where fancies fly and never leave;
calm crystal streams still trickle slow
below a wispy, misty bow.

I think the poem is delightful.