Core of the Deep Options

[Guest_Tao_*]

Core of the Deep

Was I born with it
or did it through time soak in?
When did it begin
that it can grind and spin
like a steam locomotive,
chewing iron where it’s been?

Inside, the ebb and tide
sway from side to side,
a eulogy I forgot to give,
the pet turtle that quitted
and never returned.
Did I yearn?

Is it in my spine,
this virus of brine?
It suffuses everything
with sea and sky
that on the brightest of days
its cerulean shade I still obey.

So this is existence?
Peeling layers of translucence,
down to the core of one’s onion
while nodding to repeating chants:
I never knew
there’s so much gray in blue.

[Guest__*]

Dear David,

Jaws naturally attracted to a piec about the deep, but have to confess I have no idea what you are writing about !

Which connection did I miss ?

Love
Alan

[JLY]

David,
This is an interesting piece which I have to read a few more times.  At first glance, my initial reaction is that I stumble on this line:

the pet turtle that quitted

possibly you might consider substituting quittedwith died and that might play better with your rhyme scheme.

JLY

[Guest_Tao_*]

Dear Alan and Jaws,

Am I confounding or just being confounded? Putting out gibberish again?

I’m writing about a blue feeling in the core of a person in this abstract piece, searching for clues to the roots of his melancholy. The narrator is having an internal conversation. “The Deep" in the title, of course, refers to the ocean and the depth of one’s psychological make-up. “It” throughout the piece represents the ghost of sorrow that the narrator cannot shake.  

Am I making more sense now? :)

David

[Guest_Tao_*]

Hi JLY,

Thanks for visiting so quickly. You stumbled on a line I had trouble putting together. His pet turtle ran away or left. I searched for synonyms and found I liked the sound and multiple meanings of quitted. I thought of died but wasn't sure I wanted to say that, though it certainly goes better with eulogy.

The rhyme scheme here was supposed to be very loose. Funny thing, I started off writing free verse but the rhymes inserted themselves in the process. Think I over did it in the first stanza, which built up reader's expectations!

Sometimes, I like a line to deliberately stick out. In this case, it puts a pause, or stumble sorry, before the return and yearn rhyme. The breaking of rhyme on this line highlights it, I think, though the downside as you mentioned is it that jarred so much.

Thank you for the suggestion. I'll stump on that line a little more before quitting.

David

[Ephiny]

Hi David  :pharoah2

It might seem strange to start commenting on the end of the poem, rather than the beginning but the last lines are just stunning

I never knew
there’s so much gray in blue.  It totally sums up those days of not being able to shake off a feeling..brilliant line!

There is so much feeling here..and at the same time, a questioning perhaps, of the feelings in the poem, that they are not different, that time isn't changing them perhaps.  The colours you use are great as well.

I like your title a lot..because questioning and exploring thoughts and feelings such as those here..does involve diving into the very depths of one's mind.

Also love

When did it begin
that it can grind and spin
like a steam locomotive,
chewing iron where it’s been?

Great stuff

[Guest_Tao_*]

Good Morning/Afternoon Lucie,

Off from work? I thought this one might be to your style, abstract and obscured/dimmed again. So pleased you like it!

Can't take credit for the last lines. Actually stole it from song lyrics, sort of. The original line was "There's no black and white in blue," even better! Wish I had come up with that! There, my plagiarism exposed!

Yes, diving deep to examine self, bring lots of oxygen. I was cutting onions for a quick brown and grill and that familiar analogy popped in. Remember those old cartoons where a rain cloud follows a person around? It’s like that.

Aye, back to the psychiatrist! But then we’ve invalidated them in our conversations. To church then, oh, but they’ve got problems too. Well, guess I’ll just go back to me room and under covers.

David

[Guest_Zeus˛_*]

David,
since I am still wearing my psychologists hat ,  you had me going in several directions at first. Thought you were getting into blue sharks and the lowly nautilus crustacean on the sea bottom.

I am going to join in on the word quitted also, and suggest "deserted".
And as the true believer you are, you have sea water in your veins.
Also second Lucie's comments on the closing lines.
Larry    :blues:  

[Guest_Tao_*]

Well, Doc Zeus,

I think you went scuba diving because you took off your psychologist ! And as you said, without the hat and in goggles instead, no wonder you saw sharks! Eating machines that chew iron, very apt! And the half filled shell of a nautilus, water within swishing side to side. Sorry for putting lead in your air tanks. Had a good swim?

It looks like I'd better quit while I'm ahead with "quitted." But seriously, don't you think "quitted" embodies so much more meaning? Or, is it too much? It does come to a full stop there, doesn't it.

Sea water in veins - why, thank you. That is so heart warming to hear! :)

David

[Guest__*]

Dear David,

Thank you for the explanation ! I was being dense, sort of got stuck with the title, and associations of the sea, and your nickname for me, and lost it from there on !

Love
Alan

[Guest_Tao_*]

Dear Mr. Jaws,

With your nickname and therefore prominent display of dentistry, I wouldn't dare to throw sand in your eyes. I'm glad you initially found enough water in the piece to frolic in though.

David :)

[jgdittier]

Dear David,
I'm a dittyist and so most of the time I'm writing on the surface and I judge failure if my reader is confused.
When I read poetry that goes deep and challenges my decoding capacity, I find little value in the poetry if I fail to decode it but think it's brilliant if I figure it out. That's the risk we take when we get coy.
That last line is a zinger and trumps all the rest, at least as I see it.
Cheers,     jgd

[Guest_Tao_*]

Hello JGD,

It's good seeing/reading you again. Been busy lately?

Thank you, I think. I hope I hadn't gone beyond your decoding capacities with this one. As you know, I've been prone to bury messages where the light doesn't reach. No coyness intended, of course.

Well, for both our sake, thanks for figuring out the meaning.

David

[Cybele]

Hi David  :dance:

How sad !  Losing your pet turtle like that. Did he abscond or perhaps he eloped


Love these lines


Is it in my spine,
this virus of brine?
It suffuses everything
with sea and sky
that on the brightest of days
its cerulean shade I still obey.

It seems to me that you are pining for Hawaii here David ?

Perhaps the title should be CALL OF THE DEEP  :jester:

Love

Grace

[Guest_Tao_*]

Morning Grace,

Losing me pet ! Nothing fancy, he just up and "quitted" me one day, as in disappeared. My guess is he snuck out of the yard. Oh, it's all coming back as I write here! That wasn't the only time he attempted an escape. I'd brought him back from the ditches outside before. But one time, he'd just gone too far. Never saw him again...

Is the Deep calling me or the other way around? This was about that blue streak that runs through this onion. I keep writing about the color blue. Perhaps I was "tide" dyed in Hawaii and didn't know it?

David :)