Garden's Relief, A Mother's Day Poem Options

[Siren]

Note: It's been so long since I've written anything and I'm really feeling overwhelmed. I challenged myself to write about this day (though we arabs celebrate it on March 21st) and hopefully get out of this state of mind. Anyway hope u enjoy it.




Garden's Relief


More Revisions

I wander in the wake of your dreams,
treading a steady path
within your hopes for me.
I watch your encouraging smile falter
as a wall blocks my way.

I scramble to climb it,
though repeatedly fall,
while you stand, frustrated;
unable to help.
Discreetly, you nudge a limb
upward, whispering "You can do it".

My blind trust reaches for
the rope of your strength,
and I'm finally over the hindering bricks.
Your rich laughter
waters the parched garden
of my self-esteem.

The virginal sown seeds
of your maternal love bloom once more,
while your wrinkled fingers lace my grown ones.

Together,
we pave a new path through my garden.






slight revisions


I wander in the wake of your dreams,
treading a steady path
within your hopes for me.
I watch your encouraging smile falter
as a wall blocks my way.

I scramble to climb it,
though repeatedly fall,
while you stand frustratingly close;
unable to help.
You discreetly nudge a limb
upward, whispering "You can do it".

My blind trust reaches for
the rope of your strength,
and I'm finally over the hindering pillar.
Your laughter rings with pride
watering the parched garden
of my self-esteem.

The virginal sown seeds
of your maternal love bloom once more,
as your wrinkled fingers lace my grown ones.
Together we pave a new path
through my garden;
and find relief in our forever binding love.









original

I wander in the wake of your dreams,
and tread a steady path
within the bosom of your hopes for me.
I watch your encouraging smile faulter
as a wall blocks my way.

I scramble to climb it,
and repeatedly fall
while you stand frustratingly close;
unable to help.
You discreetly nudge a limb
upward, whispering "You can do it"

My blind trust reaches for
the rope of your strength,
and I'm finally over the hindering wall.
Your laughter rings with pride
watering the chapped garden
of my self-esteem.

The virginal sown seeds
of your maternal love bloom once more
as your wrinkled fingers lace my grown ones.
Together we pave a new path
through my garden
and share relief in our forever binding love.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Dani,

I’m glad that you are starting to write again - welcome back, so to speak. Don’t stop now...

I hope that your garden flourishes soon.

Best wishes, James.

A few suggestions: {omit} [add] (comments) - as always, your choices.

Garden's Relief

I wander in the wake of your dreams,
{and tread}[treading] a steady path
within {the bosom of} your hopes for me.
I watch your encouraging smile faulter
as a wall blocks my way.

Above verse re-set:

I wander in the wake of your dreams,
treading a steady path within
your hopes for me.
I watch your encouraging smile faulter
as a wall blocks my way.

I scramble to climb it,
{and}[though] repeatedly fall[,]
while you stand frustratingly close;
unable to help.
You discreetly nudge a limb
upward, whispering "You can do it"

My blind trust reaches for
the rope of your strength,
and I'm finally over the hindering wall.
Your laughter rings with pride
watering the {chapped}[parched] garden
of my self-esteem.

The virginal sown seeds
of your maternal love bloom once more[,]
as your wrinkled fingers lace my grown ones. (excellent phrasing)
Together we pave a new path
through my garden[;]
and share relief in our forever binding love. (don’t quite understand this line)

Dani, this is almost prose. You may care to re-set it as a more obvious prose? If not, I think it would merit more paring that I have offered here.

J.

[Siren]

Hello James,

Thanks so much for the encouragement and help here. I'm very happy to see your nudges. :)

I will work on the revision.  I read your nits and notice how unfocused I've been lately... Thanks for your astute eye and even more astute mind. :)

Hugs
Dani

[Arnfinn]

Hi Dani,

I think you have penned the real meaning of mothers day. The gentle thoughts of a mother at the birth of a child. (as per the child)

 :wizard:

Hi mum.

Nothing syrupy here Dani,  the symbolic imagery of conceptional encouragement to the babe in the poem is quaint.


Arnie.    :troy:  :wizard:

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Dani,  

Do keep writing now you've started again - it is always such a pleasure to read your work.  

I wander in the wake of your dreams,
and tread a steady path
within the bosom of your hopes for me.
I watch your encouraging smile faulter
as a wall blocks my way.

I love the idea of the child wandering along the path set by a mother's dreams - and no doubt wandering off the path, too, at times.

'faulter' is someone who commits a fault, so I think you may mean 'falter' here?

I scramble to climb it,
and repeatedly fall
while you stand frustratingly close;
unable to help.
You discreetly nudge a limb
upward, whispering "You can do it"

My blind trust reaches for
the rope of your strength,
and I'm finally over the hindering wall.  --- used WALL already?
Your laughter rings with pride
watering the chapped garden --- PARCHED garden?
of my self-esteem.

The virginal sown seeds
of your maternal love bloom once more
as your wrinkled fingers lace my grown ones.
Together we pave a new path
through my garden
and share relief in our forever binding love.

My only other nit is I'm not quite sure about linking 'virginal' seeds and 'maternal' love - the two are generally exclusive (except in biblical tales of Mary...).

I love this gentle forray into the nuturing care of motherhood - looking forward to seeing more, soon

*hugs*

Fran

[Siren]

Arnie,

Your words of encouragement touched me deeply... thank you so much for them and I'm glad this hit the right notes with you.

Hugs
Dani

[Siren]

Sweet Fran,

I am so honored and deeply touched by your comments... It's good to know that my writing has an audience :)
I'm sorry... Haven't been feeling so secure in my style lately. :)

Thanks for the help on this. I kept the virginal and maternal part.. I want to think on it a bit more before initiating any changes there.

Thanks though for the help.

Hugs
Dani

[Siren]

James,

The last line says that my path has changed and I've changed it this time with my mother. She isn't leading me we are going through it together.

I know it needs work... there, but I have to mull it over a bit more...

Hugs
Dani

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Dani; thanks.

Yes, poems - especially personal ones - are very hard to perfect. I wish you luck and will watch how this evolves.

Best wishes, James.

[Siren]

James,

your constant encouragement helps. :)  I am going through a writer's block and all the ideas in my mind just don't seem satisfying on paper. It's aggravating...

Thanks a lot.

hugs
Dani

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Dear Dani,

You should not be so worried about your poetic writing  - it is so lovely.

I can see that the virginal/maternal juxtapostition is actually rather a neat idea; cos the seeds themselves are of innocence but spring from the mother's love ...

Love,

Fran

[Siren]

Fran,

Thank you for comming back and the encouraging remarks. :) That was my intent in the virginal and maternal part of the poem. I'm glad that it grew on you. :)

Hugs
Dani :)

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Daniah.  :wave:

I'm a bit late replying but I'm very pleased to have read this piece!

Your revisions are stellar and I've only a few thoughts to offer.

Have you shared this poem with your mum? This is quite beautiful..  :cloud9:

HUGS
~Cleo  :pharoah2



I wander in the wake of your dreams,
treading a steady path
within your hopes for me.
I watch your encouraging smile falter
as a wall blocks my way.

Solid opening - sets up the following stanza nicely! Perhaps you could use the word 'barricade' for 'wall' (alliteration)?
I scramble to climb it,
though repeatedly fall,
while you stand frustratingly close;
unable to help.
You discreetly nudge a limb
upward, whispering "You can do it".

Excellent wording Dani!  :sun:

My blind trust reaches for
the rope of your strength,
and I'm finally over the hindering pillar.
Your laughter rings with pride
watering the parched garden
of my self-esteem.

I think the above two sentences are so powerful!  :sings:

The virginal sown seeds
of your maternal love bloom once more,
as your wrinkled fingers lace my grown ones.
Together we pave a new path
through my garden;
and find relief in our forever binding love.

SWEET ending!
Well done Dani!  :hsdance:  :claps:

[Guest_kat_*]

Hello

I'm quite new to all of this..but I just had to write and say what a beautiful poem this is..a loving and tender tribute...a real mother's day poem

Kat

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Dani

Somehow I missed this touching, heartfelt poem when I was catching up after my holiday.  It expresses so beautifully, the love between you and your mother and shows how she has quietly and constantly given you support  even though at times all she could do was watch helplessly as you struggled over your "wall" discreetly doing what she could to make life easier for you and how she was there for you when you could finally come to her.

Your laughter rings with pride
watering the parched garden
of my self-esteem.
these three lines sum up what your mother gives you and are my favourite in your poem.

I hope that I can be to my children what your mother has been to you.


Hugs

Nina

[Siren]

Hi All...

I will reply to you Lori, Kat and Nina in the next post, but I needed to share these words first.

Around 3 years ago I met a 56 year old lady with whom I felt such rapport that we clicked from the first hello in chat. We met online.

She didn't have any kids and was in her fourth marriage. That woman adopted me (along with a couple other ladies) online and I became her DD (Darling Daughter).

Susan helped me through so much and her honesty and giving nature nurtured mine.

I love my mom, but was never close to her. Susan filled that void and we connected on so many levels as mother and daughter.

She has been a gift to me sent by God and I have written this poem to her and because of her. Our dream is to meet in person and for her to take me on a walk in Redwood Grove and to bake together and she wants to teach me how to quilt.

We have shared books and she has sent me precious gifts like hand made quilts for me and my kids... Some classic movies for the kids. My kids refer to her as grandma and love her...

I just felt I had to share this with you... I have grown close to my own mom, but Susan is my cyber mom and my mom on so many other levels.

Thanks for reading this. :)

Dani

[Siren]

Hey Lori,

Thank you so much for coming back and the extra offerings. I'll work on them and revise this soon. :)


Kat,

Hi and welcome to MM. It's always wonderful to see a new face in the community and I am grateful for your kind words... :) Catch you around and hope to read something of yours soon.



Nina,

I am so glad you happened on this and I am positive you will always be an amazing mom.... I am blessed in having two moms and Susan has helped me be more honest with my mom and to break away some of the distance. :) I am better for that.


Hugs to you all
Dani

[Siren]

I made a few more adjustments to this and would love to know what you think...

Dani

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Dani

I like the revisions you have made to this poem.  Just one comment

My blind trust reaches for
the rope of your strength,
and I'm finally over the hindering bricks.
Your rich laughter
watering the parched garden
of my self-esteem.

Because you now have a full stop after bricks, you need to change watering to waters.

Hugs

Nina

[Siren]

Hey Nina,

Thanks for the heads-up... It's weird though, because in my files I did change ''watering'' to ''waters'' ..... hmmm.... I made the change and am so greatful for your watchful eye... :)

Hugs
Dani