Starlit Seduction (change in final couplet), Sonnet Crit *** Options

[Eisa]

I revised this initially to get rid of some repeat words -- she, sky/skies
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As a couple of people have questioned the use of 'welkin' I have decided on a slight change in the final couplet, which also gets rid of the mid-foot caesura, which I felt was a bit awkward for the ending of a sonnet.

Starlit Seduction (revision)

Sun-spangles fade as twilight's cobalt sheet
unfurls a welcome shade from dog days heat.
She slumbers, drifting into dreams, where night's
seductive moonbeams dance in umbra light.

Beguiled by winking eyes she stirs to flirt,
caressing silver buttons on his shirt
and flaunts a galaxy of dazzling gems
on midnight's hand. He lifts her sequined hems

as stellar rays embrace the dark. Deep sighs,
when kisses scatter over sultry skies
and burst in supernova’s rising cloud;
the climax of the night -- she gasps aloud.

Nocturnal lamps are dimmed and there's a hush
until she wakes aglow in daybreak's flush.

---------------------------------------------------
Final couplet was:

When welkin rolls away its cover, flush
with stars, she wakes aglow in daybreak's blush.

1st 2 lines were

Cerulean dims as twilight's cobalt sheet
unfurls a welcome shade from searing heat.

-------------------------------------------------------

Starlit Seduction (original revision)

The curtain’s drawn; a spangled cobalt sheet
creating welcome shade from summer’s heat.
A slumber blankets earth with dreams, as night’s
seductive moonbeams dance in umbra light.

Large eyes entice the sky, they wink to flirt;
she fingers silver buttons on his shirt
and flaunts her glittering galaxies of gems
on midnight’s hand. He lifts her sequined hem

as stellar rays caress the dark. She sighs
when kisses scatter over sultry skies
to burst in supernova’s rising cloud;
the climax of the night -- she gasps aloud.

The curtain opens slowly -- there’s no rush;
as dawn appears, the sky begins to blush.

[Thoth]

A really beautiful poem, Snow!! I love the personification of the Earth and Night in a love affair.
It took me a few moments to work that out so maybe it could be clarified just a tad.

Apart from the minor nits shown below, I loved it.

Well done and thanks for sharing that lovely dazzling write. (So scares are posts here these days)

Hugz

Wally

Cerulean dims as twilight's cobalt sheet (metre is upset by extra syllable in Cer-ul-e-an)
unfurls a welcome shade from searing heat. (perhaps try something less common than "searing heat")
She slumbers, drifting into dreams, where night's (who is “She”?
seductive moonbeams dance in umbra light. (gorgeous imagery!!!)

Beguiled by winking eyes she stirs to flirt,
caressing silver buttons on his shirt
and flaunts a galaxy of dazzling gems
on midnight's hand. He lifts her sequined hems (My spell check picked up "sequinned")

as stellar rays embrace the dark. Deep sighs,
when kisses scatter over sultry skies
and burst in supernova’s rising cloud;
the climax of the night -- she gasps aloud. (What a splendid sketch! a cosmoc climax . . . )

When welkin rolls away its cover, flush
with stars, she wakes aglow in daybreak's blush.

[Larry]

Hi Snow,

What a delightful Couplet Sonnet! I haven't seen one of those in quite some time.

I read Wally's crits and agree that the extra syllable in line one effects the flow. The reader may be thrown off if the metrical flow of the poem starts with a bump. May I suggest: Her sapphire fades as a substitute for Cerulean dims.

As far as "sequined"/"sequined" goes, I think it may be spelled either way and that may be due to the colloquial differences of the English speaking areas in the world.

I loved the anthrpomorphization of Earth's nightly trysts and applaud the climactic flourish in L12.

Great rewrite!

Larry

[Merlin]

Hello Eira,

Keeping in mind my comments in my thread, I thank you for your reply and will give mine here.

There’s little to pick on, meaning that it could be considered a keeper. But as you are doing – going over some, which I do from time to time also – I’ll make a few suggestions that are not groundbreaking. I’ve had the benefit of 2 before me, to make life easier.

While the use of “cerulean” is perfectly good, it bothers me as an opening word, only because it isn’t one that gets much use. One brand of Canadian beer is very popular – Blue, not Cerulean. We don’t have Cerulean on tap!

I considered a substitute, “sapphire” as Larry points out, but even that didn’t turn my crank since we don’t have Sapphire on tap either! Looking at everything, I began to juggle, and if verse 1 became 2, and 2 opened the sonnet, that would start things off in everyday language, after which those delightful colors can be scattered without much thought. Of course, it will require some little tweaking. With that, I find less need to know who “she” is, but like Wally, I do now.

I applaud your use of enjambment, and one scarcely notices the rhymed couplets – as it should be.

Merlin


ps - I missed the anthropomorphism!

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Snow!

It's a delight to see genuine critique going on, my friend. A taste of the past, and I love it!!

Might I hop onto Eric's Cerulean Wagon and suggest the more common but on tap for Eric, "blue", perhaps starting of with something like:

The blue's bedimmed as Twilight's cobalt sheet

including CAPITALIZATION of 'Twilight' ~ 'Night' ~ 'Sky' ~ 'Midnight' ~ and perhaps even 'Welkin' ?

Your personification is wondrous, and as Eric notes, I too love your excellent enjambement.

deLightingly, Daniel

[Eisa]

A really beautiful poem, Snow!! I love the personification of the Earth and Night in a love affair.
It took me a few moments to work that out so maybe it could be clarified just a tad.

Apart from the minor nits shown below, I loved it.

Well done and thanks for sharing that lovely dazzling write. (So scares are posts here these days)

Hugz

Wally

Hi Wally, I've made a few changes but am still thinking on this one. Thanks so much for your input.

Snow

Cerulean dims as twilight's cobalt sheet (metre is upset by extra syllable in Cer-ul-e-an)
unfurls a welcome shade from searing heat. (perhaps try something less common than "searing heat")

I Have made changes in the 1st 2 lines
She slumbers, drifting into dreams, where night's (who is “She”?

You know it is such a long time since I wrote the original I really can't remember! LOL! I think I might have been trying to be mysterious.
seductive moonbeams dance in umbra light. (gorgeous imagery!!!)

Beguiled by winking eyes she stirs to flirt,
caressing silver buttons on his shirt
and flaunts a galaxy of dazzling gems
on midnight's hand. He lifts her sequined hems (My spell check picked up "sequinned")

I think it can be spelled both ways -but think I like your way best.

as stellar rays embrace the dark. Deep sighs,
when kisses scatter over sultry skies
and burst in supernova’s rising cloud;
the climax of the night -- she gasps aloud. (What a splendid sketch! a cosmoc climax . . . )

When welkin rolls away its cover, flush
with stars, she wakes aglow in daybreak's blush.

Thanks Wally - good to have your advice.

Hugz
Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,

What a delightful Couplet Sonnet! I haven't seen one of those in quite some time.

I read Wally's crits and agree that the extra syllable in line one effects the flow. The reader may be thrown off if the metrical flow of the poem starts with a bump. May I suggest: Her sapphire fades as a substitute for Cerulean dims.

As far as "sequined"/"sequined" goes, I think it may be spelled either way and that may be due to the colloquial differences of the English speaking areas in the world.

I loved the anthrpomorphization of Earth's nightly trysts and applaud the climactic flourish in L12.

Great rewrite!

Larry

Yes - I thought cerulean was a bit risky. I was just trying to find another word for blue. I've used azure & sapphire many times. I've tried something completely different this time.

Glad you like this one

Snow

[Eisa]

Hello Eira,

Keeping in mind my comments in my thread, I thank you for your reply and will give mine here.

There’s little to pick on, meaning that it could be considered a keeper. But as you are doing – going over some, which I do from time to time also – I’ll make a few suggestions that are not groundbreaking. I’ve had the benefit of 2 before me, to make life easier.

While the use of “cerulean” is perfectly good, it bothers me as an opening word, only because it isn’t one that gets much use. One brand of Canadian beer is very popular – Blue, not Cerulean. We don’t have Cerulean on tap!

I considered a substitute, “sapphire” as Larry points out, but even that didn’t turn my crank since we don’t have Sapphire on tap either! Looking at everything, I began to juggle, and if verse 1 became 2, and 2 opened the sonnet, that would start things off in everyday language, after which those delightful colors can be scattered without much thought. Of course, it will require some little tweaking. With that, I find less need to know who “she” is, but like Wally, I do now.

I applaud your use of enjambment, and one scarcely notices the rhymed couplets – as it should be.

Merlin


ps - I missed the anthropomorphism!

Hi Merlin

Thanks for your suggestions, you have given me plenty to think on.

I have thought of a new beginning - hoping it works better. I did consider swapping St 1&2 but it would need much rethinking as in St1 she falls asleep. which wouldn't fit into the 2nd stanza.

Snow

[Eisa]

Greetings, Snow!

It's a delight to see genuine critique going on, my friend. A taste of the past, and I love it!!

Might I hop onto Eric's Cerulean Wagon and suggest the more common but on tap for Eric, "blue", perhaps starting of with something like:

The blue's bedimmed as Twilight's cobalt sheet

including CAPITALIZATION of 'Twilight' ~ 'Night' ~ 'Sky' ~ 'Midnight' ~ and perhaps even 'Welkin' ?

Your personification is wondrous, and as Eric notes, I too love your excellent enjambement.

deLightingly, Daniel

Yes, Daniel, it is great to have so many suggestions - like the old days!

I like your suggestion of 'blue's bedimmed' but I was really trying to keep away from 'blue' which I have used many times.

I'm still thinking on the capitalization of certain words and might well use that idea.

So pleased to 'see' you here, Daniel.

Snow

[Thoth]

In my book, that's absolutely perfect now! Those subtle changes did the trick, it sits comfortably on the tongue and leaves a delicious after flavour lingering on the palate. Dreamy and sensual. The sort of mood I get when sleeping under the stars in the Kalahari.

A keeper for sure.

Hugz. wal

[Arnfinn]

G'day Snow

I send you a few jokes now and then.

You have the Sonato formula on a regular 24 hour fortunato.

I rarely read (a) or in the upper styles these days.

Seems a good rendition to me.

Regards,

John

[Eisa]

In my book, that's absolutely perfect now! Those subtle changes did the trick, it sits comfortably on the tongue and leaves a delicious after flavour lingering on the palate. Dreamy and sensual. The sort of mood I get when sleeping under the stars in the Kalahari.

A keeper for sure.

Hugz. wal

Thanks Wally

I am happy with this now and am glad I made the effort to revise. Thanks for your suggestions which have helped make this possible.

Hugz
Snow

[Eisa]

G'day Snow

I send you a few jokes now and then.

You have the Sonato formula on a regular 24 hour fortunato.

I rarely read (a) or in the upper styles these days.

Seems a good rendition to me.

Regards,

John

Hi John

How great to see you here!

I always appreciate your jokes (even though I don't often reply). If you've written any poems recently we'd love to read them.

Call back soon
Snow

[Arnfinn]

G'day Again S

You seem to be the glue. MglueM

I check you on FB with all my other friends.

I read but am comatose



I would love to introduce a friend of mine to MM-Maureen lives in North Queensland and is the most talented poet.

She produces about on average about 3 bush poems a week.

I know I might not qualify but I will post another of my poems and see If I can encourage Maureen to sign up.

Regards,

John

[Norman D Gutter]

Hi Snow:

Back at the forums because of an invite of an old friend. Kind of rusty on critique, but won't let that stop me.

I see you've had some good crits already, and have responded to them. All a good sign. Perhaps I didn't read this closely enough, but I didn't get that this was the meeting of day and night at twilight personified through the language of an affair. I suppose I need to read it more times.

A sonnet in rhyming couplets is unusual, but certainly not wrong or out of the realm of standard sonnet variations. Your enjambment is hard, what I call aggressive enjambment, such as the cross-stanza enjambment. That, coupled with substitute feet and the mid-foot caesura at L13 makes the reading a little difficult, but not overly so.

I think the thing I like least about it is the archaic "welkin." You could find many other ways to say what you want without resorting to archaisms in a poem that isn't set in an archaic setting. I'm a fan for modern language for modern poems. But, if it says exactly what you want it to say keep it; but realize how it might be met by the reader.

The only other thing I could add, which I sort of hesitate to do, is that the poem seems to be working a little hard to be a poem. Lots of uncommon words may make the more casual reader hesitate to read it twice, and you might lose a fan thereby.

Best Regards,
NDG

[Eisa]

G'day Again S

You seem to be the glue. MglueM

I check you on FB with all my other friends.

I read but am comatose



I would love to introduce a friend of mine to MM-Maureen lives in North Queensland and is the most talented poet.

She produces about on average about 3 bush poems a week.

I know I might not qualify but I will post another of my poems and see If I can encourage Maureen to sign up.

Regards,

John

Hello again John

I'm so pleased you invited your friend Maureen, I feel she will be a great asset to the site. I have read some of your poetry as well as hers (just haven't had time to comment yet) Fantastic - keep it up, Arnie.

Snow

[Maureen]

Well here I am sticking my bib in and may I say I found both versions of this poem absolutely delightful although i preferred this ending

The curtain opens slowly -- there’s no rush;
as dawn appears, the sky begins to blush.

as welkin meant squat to me and didn't gel at all with the rest of the poem and in fact from my point of view detracted from it. (sorry).

Thanks for the welcome to the group - I know I am gong to enjoy being here.

Cheers

Maureen

ps I live in SE Queensland not North Queensland as John mentioned - it's only a small difference around 1700 kilometres

[Eisa]

Hi Snow:

Hi there Norman - I am so pleased to see you here.

Back at the forums because of an invite of an old friend. Kind of rusty on critique, but won't let that stop me.

I see you've had some good crits already, and have responded to them. All a good sign. Perhaps I didn't read this closely enough, but I didn't get that this was the meeting of day and night at twilight personified through the language of an affair. I suppose I need to read it more times.

I think this does have an air of mystery which might make it difficult to follow at times

A sonnet in rhyming couplets is unusual, but certainly not wrong or out of the realm of standard sonnet variations. Your enjambment is hard, what I call aggressive enjambment, such as the cross-stanza enjambment. That, coupled with substitute feet and the mid-foot caesura at L13 makes the reading a little difficult, but not overly so.

I used to often write in rhyming couplets, but rarely do these days (this is a revision of an old one) Yes the mid-foot caesura was a bit of an experiment in revision.

I think the thing I like least about it is the archaic "welkin." You could find many other ways to say what you want without resorting to archaisms in a poem that isn't set in an archaic setting. I'm a fan for modern language for modern poems. But, if it says exactly what you want it to say keep it; but realize how it might be met by the reader.

Glad you mentioned this as I hadn't thought about it. I was looking for a new word for sky/heaven to keep things fresh, but yes, I suppose this is a modern poem and welkin is an older term. I'll have to give this one some thought over the weekend.

The only other thing I could add, which I sort of hesitate to do, is that the poem seems to be working a little hard to be a poem. Lots of uncommon words may make the more casual reader hesitate to read it twice, and you might lose a fan thereby.

I can see what you are saying, but I tend to go for uncommon words when I can. I think publishers in particular, prefer fresher words.
Best Regards,
NDG

It's been great interacting with you again, Norman and I hope you return again - perhaps post some of your poetry.

Snow

[AMETHYST]

Hey there wonderful friend!!!!

I remember this and since I am just now seeing the most recent edits. This made me feel like diving into the universe and into its beautiful. You have a way with sounds that are delighting in spectacular visions and rhthyms. For instance, your very first line "Sun-spangles fade as cobalt sheet..." the sounds partner together to enliven the image and bring it to life immediately for the reader to hook him/her in. In perparation of a dance of continued alliteration and word sounds.

S1L4, .... seductive moonbeams / umbra light. It captures the depth of fantasy and dreams and reminds of my childhood.

The only suggestion that jumps out at this time, is both minor and trivial, but it felt like a small stumble, was in Line 3 of stanza 2, "and flaunts ..." perhaps then flaunts as it felt her movement made a further journey past L2's. However, after I reread it, it actually didn't stumble the second time, as I read it differently. I absolutely love S3, but bravo, bravo on your ending couplet. A nice tie to link the images to her dream journey, as she awakes. I think I will read this a couple of more times and return with some more specific thoughts. I do not see anything else I would even suggest to change, it is truly a beautiful poem, both in sounds, rhythm and meaning.


Big Hugs and much love, Liz

Starlit Seduction (revision)

Sun-spangles fade as twilight's cobalt sheet
unfurls a welcome shade from dog days heat.
She slumbers, drifting into dreams, where night's
seductive moonbeams dance in umbra light.

Beguiled by winking eyes she stirs to flirt,
caressing silver buttons on his shirt
and flaunts a galaxy of dazzling gems
on midnight's hand. He lifts her sequined hems

as stellar rays embrace the dark. Deep sighs,
when kisses scatter over sultry skies
and burst in supernova’s rising cloud;
the climax of the night -- she gasps aloud.

When welkin rolls away its cover, flush
with stars, she wakes aglow in daybreak's blush.

[AMETHYST]

Hey NDG, So awesome to see you back on the boards. Me too. It has been a while, but I guess it is like riding a bike ... ummm, or perhaps a car ... or for me something I don't actually have to put effort into .. HAHA...

Hey Snow, just another 2 cents... I liked Maureens suggestion of incorporating your original couplet, as it does offer a more profound or can add a bit more punch to the ending.