I hope I'm not running afoul of posting guidelines by including two sonnets here, but one is crucial to the other. I'm actually seeking critique only on the second, as the first was pretty thoroughly workshopped years ago and I'm fairly satisfied that it adequately expressed what I wanted to say back then. That's not to say I would discount any suggestions on either -- all my poems (like my attitude :) remain open for improvement at any time.



March 8, 2001

GROUNDED

The looking glass reveals a creaseless brow
transposed against her face to disabuse
the notion she is aging. Truth subdues
the vision. Like her hair, her youth somehow
is running down the bathtub drain, and now
her bearing and behavior (like her shoes)
are sensible. "The mirror is a ruse,"
she sighs. "I'm just an old contented cow."

She'd planned on parachuting once, immune
to gravity -- weak ankles redefined
the plan. At times she cocks her head, intent
on hearing fragments of an uncaught tune
that blink and fade like fireflies in her mind.
She can't remember how the lyrics went.

August 6, 2007

LIMITLESS

An old contented cow? No sir, no moos
today. The pall of seven years ago
has lifted. Exercise restored the glow
of health, old pumps replaced by running shoes.
As dancing in the rain uncovered clues
to summon the forgotten things I know,
my feet found purchase on a new plateau.
Surrounding me are vast, unbounded views.

For being fully present is a choice.
I'm soaring now, aloft on silk and string,
skydiving on a sunny afternoon.
I'm belting out an anthem in a voice
of gratitude beyond imagining.
The lyrics are as vivid as the tune.

-------------
Second revised octave:

An old contented cow? Not so today!
The apathy of seven years ago
has lifted. Exercise restored the glow
of vibrancy; love chased away the gray.
As synergetic force allied with play
to summon the forgotten things I know,
my feet found purchase on a new plateau.
The view is limitless in every way.

-------------
First revised octave:

She's just an old contented cow, you say?
Begone! The gloom of seven years ago
has lifted. Exercise restored the glow
of vibrancy; love chased away the gray.
As synergetic force allied with play
to summon the forgotten things I know,
my feet found purchase on a new plateau
from where the view is limitless today.


-------------
Line replaced:
My heart sings like an angel, with a voice

Hi Mary,

Your tone has changed incredibly. I am so happy for you. I'll be back if I come up with a suggestion, but this is so positive I want to revel in it.

My best,

Michelle

Hi Mary

This has me smiling widely -- it's so full of life ... and you! I really can't fault this at all, though some might say, "my heart sings..." is a bit cliche. This has given me a lift today ... thanks!

Snow

Thanks, Michelle -- I'll look forward to your return.

Snow, I'm glad it made you smile. I've tweaked the singing line. Guess I got caught up in the moment and didn't catch that cliche sneaking in there.

BTW, I really did go skydiving on Monday! It was a tandem jump, so all I had to do was enjoy.

Mary

Hi Mary...
The change in sonnet 2 is so full of joy, it makes me feel like singing too... it's filled with newly realized limitless possibilities. I love the metaphor in both and that you've made the 'skydiving' an actuality.
I wondered, on first read, why you switched from 3rd person in the first sonnet and the first part of the second to finish it in first person. Is it to mark or emphasize the change in perspective?
I like the lyric tie-in for the last line of each.
So many grand lines in each but among my favorites...
Like her hair, her youth somehow
is running down the bathtub drain, and now
her bearing and behavior (like her shoes)
are sensible. "
and this from sonnet 2...
I know,
my feet found purchase on a new plateau
from where the view is limitless today.

For being fully present is a choice.

I know you want real critique, but I can only offer praise and say, admiringly, You soar, dear lady.

Sue

Thanks much, Sue. Hey, praise is real critique, isn't it?

Exactly. I did not want to identify with that first woman. Do you think it works that way, or should I match 'em up?

Mary

It works for me and I would leave it but, as is often the case, when we are very familiar with someone's work, I think we begin to intuit their intent. I did have to pause in thought as to what you meant to come across there, but then, what's wrong with making the reader think?
Maybe see what others think.
Best,
Sue

Thanks again, Sue. I'm tweaking a couple of the lines to get around that she/I problem, and since this one seems to have run its course here I'll call it finished. I've entered it on my blog, along with a couple of photos, here.

Mary

Mary -- I really admire you. I have a heights phobia, but I'm sure it was a great experience.

Snow

I like the changes

Hi Mary,

What a lovely duet here. I agree with you that it makes your Limitless poem more poignant to include both for the readership. As such, I've only critiqued the second poem below. There wasn't much to offer as I find it very polished already. The rhythms and rhymes are wonderfully read through - my hats off to you.

Enjoyed!
~Cleo


LIMITLESS

An old contented cow? Not so today! (or ‘this day’ as an alternate)
The apathy of seven years ago
has lifted. Exercise restored the glow (my glow?)
of vibrancy; love chased away the gray.
As synergetic force allied with play
to summon the forgotten things I know,
my feet found purchase on a new plateau.
The view is limitless in every way. (Lovely!)

For being fully present is a choice.
I'm soaring now, aloft on silk and string,
skydiving on a sunny afternoon.
I'm belting out an anthem in a voice
of gratitude beyond imagining.
The lyrics are as vivid as the tune.
Just beautiful – a compliment and turn to the ‘Grounded’ view! I think I hear the tune!

Mary:

As requested, I only looked at the second. Hardly a nit to be found. You used your quota of exclamation points (and not a dot beyond). The lines are a mixture of enjambed and endstopped, smoothly done. I stumbled a little on the first reading of L3, though not on the others. I guess the feet feel kind of strange, but they do meet the pattern. "For" in L9 seemed fillerish, which would be my only nit.

NDG

Mary, you are a talented and brave person! Poetry and skydiving - well done!

I loved your duet. I am rushing now just wanted to say I was here and WELL DONE! I will be back.

PP

Dear Mary,

Utterly enjoyable! Is it not wonderful how one's attitude towards life can change from the drabbest drab to the brightest colours, by simply tuning one's mindset into positivity. And you don't litterally have to bungy-jump to be thrilled by life's bungy jumps!
Brought a BIG smile to my lips, this one did!

Hugs,
M

Hi Mary,

This poem has been nominated for the Sep IBPC. Shall I consider your 'standing permission' valid for this piece and ok to add to our POLL on the 21st?

Best regards,
~Cleo

Gosh ... many thanks, Snow, Lori, Norm, Bev, and Misty. I guess my ESP must be working -- what a pleasure to return to such kind attention to this posting. I will give some thought to your suggestions, Norm & Lori, but at this point I'm pretty well satisfied with the final version. Lori and Liz, I am honored by the nomination and yes, carte blanche permission still applies. None of my poems have been published except for a couple I co-wrote with the late, great Robert Kogan and allowed him to include in his book. Maybe I'll hang those on Plato's wall one of these days, if that's acceptable.

Onward 'n' upward!

Mary

Dear Mary,
Gee, I think I'd rather jump out of an airplane than try to improve your poem!
Cheers, Ron jgd

Ah, thank you sir. That's very sweet.

Mary I am amazed at how the revision is so stunning ... I couldn't imagine there being any way or reason to rework it, and yet - there you go making what was hugh punch in a pleasure point, and knocks me out with this updated version.

I read the poem at the link for Robert Kogan, I wish I could live in that world too... one day perhaps ... one day!

Thank you, Liz. For everything. For your enthusiasm and unfailingly unself, sweet spirit, even when you're not feeling up to par.

I'm glad you followed the link. Robert was another dear friend with a big, beautiful heart, and I miss him a lot.

Mary

I'm bringing this one back up with another revision after running it by the sonnet board, here. As announced in that thread, Nada Lott has been put out to pasture. (She was having a subconscious effect on my muse.) Right now I'm knee-deep in getting my poetry organized, so I don't know how soon I will get back this way, but if and when, it will be with a new persona.

Thanks again, Lori, Liz and all, for the wonderful hospitality that has been extended to me here.

Love,

Mary