 Mating Call, New title (was unreal) |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Oct 25 06, 19:41
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#1
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori  |
 Mating Call ( thanks Lori & Cathy-- for title suggestion) She stands stilt-legged in rushes fringing the lily-pond. His massive wings undulate screening the sun as he peers down on this potential mate. She ignores his calls -- water spurting from her neb. The lemon resin heron proceeds to aerate the pond; he swoops close by to catch a carp -- and her eye. Thanks Dennis for the last line. ·······  ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
  
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Oct 26 06, 02:31
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#2
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 Assyrian  Posts: 185 Joined: 3-October 06 From: DFW Texas Member No.: 278 Real Name: Dennis Martin Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Cynthia Neely |
Hey Eisa!
Not seen many herons in my day, especially this close. This is a pleasant peice with the same feeling of a haiku, very peaceful. Not much I can add to it though but this thought: How about a little personification? She stands stilt-legged in rushes fringing the lily-pond. His massive wings undulate screening the sun as he peers down on this potential mate. She ignores his calls -- water spurting from her neb. The lemon resin heron proceeds to aerate the pond; he swoops close by -- to catch a carp, and her eye As you wish! Dennis! ······· ·······Faith is a fine invention
for gentlemen who see, but microscopes are prudent in an emergency! -Emily Dickinson MM Award Winner |
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Oct 26 06, 03:54
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#3
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hey Dennis
I really like your suggestion. I was not quite happy with my ending, but with your suggestion it seems more complete. Thanks Snow ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Oct 26 06, 09:50
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#4
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,578 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
I read this a couple of times... and with the same reaction that Dennis had... but I couldn't find a difference in what he posted ?
Had you already made a revision? Good stuff, Snow! My free verse is for the birds... but not as much as yours!  Lightly, Daniel 
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner    |
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Oct 26 06, 18:19
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#5
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Oct 26 06, 15:50 ) [snapback]86002[/snapback] I read this a couple of times... and with the same reaction that Dennis had... but I couldn't find a difference in what he posted ? Had you already made a revision? Good stuff, Snow! My free verse is for the birds... but not as much as yours! Lightly, Daniel LOL! -- I hadn't got the last line at all Daniel -- just ended it 'to catch a carp' I always felt it was unfinished so Denis's suggestion ended this nicely. Snow ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Oct 26 06, 19:09
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#6
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 883 Joined: 2-January 06 From: Washington State USA Member No.: 145 Writer of: Poetry |
Yes it was an excellent suggestion and it the poem is wonderful. Poor old heron looking for a mate. You could say "her unseeing eye"
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Oct 28 06, 17:20
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#7
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (Cyn @ Oct 27 06, 01:09 ) [snapback]86037[/snapback] Yes it was an excellent suggestion and it the poem is wonderful. Poor old heron looking for a mate. You could say "her unseeing eye" Thanks Cyn -- I'll think on that. Snow ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Nov 7 06, 15:38
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#8
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Snow.
Sorry I'm late to this one! I love the new ending!   You've chosen an unusual and unique topic - Herons. I have no nits, just admiration.  Cheers Cleo
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner  |
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Nov 7 06, 17:39
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#9
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Hi Snow,
I've been so discombobulated lately that I over looked this one! But I am glad I happened in now. I have to agree with Lori that this is an admirable write. Powerful imagery displays a very detailed mating of herons, a courting sort of. I've nothing to offer either, as I am coming in on the bloom of the poem, but wanted to make some comments on some very spectacular images you've provided. As well as to comment on the ending. I adored the dual meaning of 'catch' in the ending. The only thought I had was the title, if sort of left me wondering where 'unreal' which leads me to think of something that is not possible. Perhaps, there is a connection in their nature that is referred to unreal that I am not familiar with? .. Excellent poetry. Hugs, Liz QUOTE Unreal She stands stilt-legged in rushes fringing the lily-pond. Great opening lines. "fringing' is a new word for me! Very strong description to set the mood and scenery. His massive wings undulate screening the sun as he peers down on this potential mate. Another strong stanza offering movement and a building sense of drama. The male heron's image is fully developed for the reader's mind to imagine his poise, his presence... She ignores his calls -- water spurting from her neb. Very accurate. The lemon resin heron proceeds to aerate the pond; he swoops close by to catch a carp -- and her eye. Excellent ending. On an after thought, perhaps in L3, omitting by or bringing it down to the next line. Well, Snow this is certainly a poem that compliments nature and basic instincts, comparable to our human nature...representing the simular stances that a male will undertake to get the attention of his desire. Beautiful work! Hugs, Liz ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner |
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Nov 7 06, 19:35
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#10
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Liz
Well, Snow this is certainly a poem that compliments nature and basic instincts, comparable to our human nature...representing the simular stances that a male will undertake to get the attention of his desire I'm glad that you have seen the layers in this one. The lemon resin heron proceeds to aerate the pond; he swoops close by to catch a carp -- and her eye. Excellent ending. On an after thought, perhaps in L3, omitting by or bringing it down to the next line. Mmm... I think I'll try that Liz. The only thought I had was the title, if sort of left me wondering where 'unreal' which leads me to think of something that is not possible. Perhaps, there is a connection in their nature that is referred to unreal that I am not familiar with? .. I have to say I do not like the title LOL!! I think what I was trying to get at the time, was that the water feature heron was not what she seemed -- hence Unreal. However I really must think of something better. Any suggestions? Thanks and hugs Liz Snow  (I do love being able to put a snowflake after my name ha ha!!)
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Nov 11 06, 16:11
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#11
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 Egyptian Posts: 388 Joined: 26-October 03 From: Southeast USA Member No.: 37 Real Name: Jan Writer of: Poetry |
Snow,
Just stopping in to say I enjoyed reading your wonderful work. I like Dennis' addition to the ending, too. No nits from this reader. Orion ······· ······· |
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Nov 19 06, 17:27
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#12
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (Orion @ Nov 11 06, 21:11 ) [snapback]86941[/snapback] Snow, Just stopping in to say I enjoyed reading your wonderful work. I like Dennis' addition to the ending, too. No nits from this reader. Orion Thanks Orion  Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Nov 19 06, 21:53
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#13
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
I'll be thinking on some ideas for a title... wonderful poetry, Snow...
Hugs, Liz ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner |
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Nov 20 06, 05:23
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#14
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Nov 20 06, 02:53 ) [snapback]87509[/snapback] I'll be thinking on some ideas for a title... wonderful poetry, Snow... Hugs, Liz Thanks Liz -- my mind is pretty blank on ideas at the moment  Hugs Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Jan 2 07, 06:10
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#15
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Any suggestions for a title would be appreciated -- I never intende to stick with Unreal.
Snow ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Jan 2 07, 06:24
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#16
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
How about "Mating Call"
OR "Flirtatious Play"? ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
Jan 2 07, 12:41
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#17
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I'm not very good with titles but maybe...
Mating Call The Chase Companions Cathy 
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Jan 2 07, 14:28
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#18
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
There's also:
Flirtatious Intent (or Intentions) Just ponderin' the possibilities Snow. ~Cleo
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Jan 2 07, 19:23
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#19
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Jan 2 07, 11:24 ) [snapback]89352[/snapback] How about "Mating Call" OR "Flirtatious Play"? Hey Lori -- that's more like it! Why didn't I think of those! LOL! Great ideas. Thanks Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Jan 3 07, 09:25
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#20
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Hi Snow,
Great new title. Most fitting and really gathers the core of the poem and defines it. Hugs, Liz ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner |
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