 Virtue's Sunset, revision of book title challenge #26 - revised 4/11 |
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 Mar 24 08, 11:44
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#1
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr  |
1st Revision: 4/11
VIRTUE’S SUNSET Across freedom’s horizon, all that once mattered… liberty, morality, integrity, those themes now shattered. No placid days for me; my rusty, wonky compass plots a vague odyssey past compassion’s carcass. Extremist savages boast that there will be no blood, but compromising promises drown in a myopic flood. Reality smacks me hard, fatefully not for noble men; sadly, atonement has waned, lost in a decadent, vacuous den. VIRTUE’S SUNSET
Across freedom's horizon, all that once mattered... liberty, morality, integrity, those themes now shattered. No placid days for me as a rusty, wonky compass navigates a circuitous course past compassion's carcass. Extremist savages boasted there will be no blood, but compromising promises drowned in a myopic flood. Reality smacked me hard, it's no country for old men; atonement has sadly waned, lost in a vacuous, decadent den. ·······  ·······Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner             |
  
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Apr 3 08, 11:46
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#2
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Laureate Legionnaire  Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear John,
I see this has been sadly neglected . Across freedom's horizon, all that once mattered... liberty, morality, integrity, those themes now shattered. No placid days for me as a rusty, wonky compass - del "a" ? navigates a circuitous course - del "a" ? past compassion's carcass. Extremist savages boasted - boast there will be no blood, - that there but compromising promises drowned in a myopic flood. - del "ed" ? Reality smacked me hard, - smacks ? it's no country for old men; - this is n o ? atonement has sadly waned, - sadly, atonement has waned ? lost in a vacuous, decadent den. - lost in a decadent, vacuous den ? Some ideas for you to have, or toss. The last lines I think ba-dum more easily with the reversed words ? Love Alan ······· ······· |
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Apr 3 08, 13:25
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#3
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
Another incredible poem!
Love this stanza: No placid days for me as a rusty, wonky compass navigates a circuitous course past compassion's carcass. Alan has some suggestions. I will just say: thank you for sharing it! Peterpan ······· ······· |
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Apr 3 08, 16:07
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#4
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr |
Alan,
Thanks for stopping by. I particularly like your suggestions for the last lines; you slight twisting of the positioning of words adds a smoother flow to the conclusion. I will modify this poem with your suggestions in mind. JLY ······· ·······Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Apr 3 08, 16:08
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#5
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr |
PP,
I greatly appreciate your positive sentiments and I am glad you found something in it that you enjoyed. JLY ······· ·······Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Apr 8 08, 18:07
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#6
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 8,875 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi John!
I've read your poem at least three times and can't find much to crit. Alan's suggestions are good, so that leaves me with empty hands.... Profound thoughts here, in your work. I DO love the title. So true, sadly. Let's see now: QUOTE (JLY @ Mar 24 08, 18:44 ) [snapback]107304[/snapback] VIRTUE’S SUNSET Across freedom's horizon, all that once mattered... liberty, morality, integrity, those themes now shattered. Perhaps 'those ideals now shattered'? No placid days for me as a rusty, wonky compass navigates a circuitous course past compassion's carcass. Alan has made some good points here. Extremist savages boasted there will be no blood, but compromising promises drowned in a myopic flood. Idem. Very good strophe! Reality smacked me hard, it's no country for old men; atonement has sadly waned, lost in a vacuous, decadent den. Wow.... this is excellent, I'm so glad I spotted it tonight (tho' I might view some nice movie to ward off bad dreams..LOL....) Congrats, and keep 'em coming, Sylvia *** ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner   |
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Apr 8 08, 18:55
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#7
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr |
Sylvia,
Thank you. Your gentle touches are most helpful. JLY ······· ·······Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Apr 13 08, 10:32
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#8
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi John,
What an interesting response to the book titles! One thing I'll point out is that on first read, it seems a bit choppy, perhaps as if you intended to abbreviate the thoughts from line to line? I'd like to see you incorporate an everyday language approach here as I think you really have some strong messages going on in here, but I find myself inserting words to the whole as I read. I've offered some alternates, just some ideas in the places where I think a word two would add to your theme. One thing about your title, I'd love to see you add some images to relate to a sunrise or sunset to strenghten the theme to the title. As always, T or T as you wish. Cheers ~Cleo  [add] {delete} Across freedom’s [grand] horizon, all that once mattered… liberty, morality, integrity, those themes now shattered. Suggest changing L4 to: those themes have since been shattered. I like this opening, as the reader can fill in the blanks as they wish, re: freedom No placid days [are left] for me; my rusty, {wonky} [worn out] compass plots a {vague} [hazy] odyssey past compassion’s carcass. I think we need to smooth the meter on this last line? How about: clear of compassion’s carcass? Extremist savages [love to] boast that there will be no blood, but compromising promises drown in a myopic flood. Reality [sure] smacks me hard, fatefully not for noble men; {sadly,} atonement [wretchedly] has waned, lost in a {decadent, vacuous} [degenerate, inane] den. ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner  |
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Apr 13 08, 14:08
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#9
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr |
Lori,
Thanks for your comments. I didn't think it was choppy as I tried not to be too verbose, but after a second look, maybe I can add a bit more to it to smooth it out. I will take a hard look at this one in the very near future. JLY ······· ·······Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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