Amy Lowell Snippets - Celestial Sister*, An Experimental Sonnet in Dactylic Tetrameter Options

[Larry]

Celestial Sister – Edited Once More

Under the fires of the star-crowded firmament,
dimmed by forever, the moon cuts miasma’s veil,
worn like a virgin of loveliness. I have spent
quiet hours upon the glass-bright lake where one can sail.

Though some may see it as squalid and sinister,
stealing the crimson of amaryllis in bloom,
I see a tassel of tarnished ice. Sun’s sister,
polished like glass in eternity’s stellar womb,

shows her pale face on the ridges of the wind’s hand.
Filtered through mists that have covered an arbour’s vine,
Moon’s light adds diamonds to buds like a wedding band;
arching above a small sculpture and peaceful shrine.

She rides the night filling minds like a slackened dream
while her reflected gaze and sparkling fancies gleam.


S1/L1 did read: Under the fires of the stars in the firmament
S3/L3 did read: Moon’s light adds diamonds to blooms like a wedding band;


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Celestial Sister - Edited

Under the fires of the stars in the firmament,
dimmed by forever, the moon cuts miasma’s veil,
worn like a virgin of loveliness. I have spent
quiet hours upon the glass-bright lake where one can sail.

Though some may see it as squalid and sinister,
stealing the crimson of amaryllis in bloom,
I see a tassel of tarnished ice. Sun’s sister,
polished like glass in eternity’s stellar womb,

shows her pale face on the ridges of the wind’s hand.
Filtered through mists that have covered an arbour’s vine,
Moon’s light adds diamonds to blooms like a wedding band;
arching above a small sculpture and peaceful shrine.

She rides the night filling minds like a slackened dream
while her reflected gaze and sparkling fancies gleam.


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Celestial Sister

Under the fires of the stars in the firmament,
dimmed by forever; the moon cuts miasma’s veil,
worn like a virgin of loveliness. I have spent
quiet hours upon the glass-bright lake where one can sail.

Though some may see it as squalid and sinister,
stealing the crimson of amaryllis in bloom,
I see a tassel of tarnished ice. Sun’s sister,
polished like glass in eternity’s stellar womb,

shows her pale face on the ridges of the wind’s hand.
Filtered through mists which have covered an arbour’s vine,
her light adds diamonds to blooms like a wedding band.
Arching above a small sculpture and peaceful shrine,

she rides the night filling minds like a slackened dream
sharing her spectral gaze and sparkling fancies gleam.


Snippets used in order: under the fire, the moon cuts, virgin of loveliness, upon the glass-bright, squalid and sinister, the crimson of amaryllis, a tassel of tarnished, polished like glass, ridges of the wind, covered and arbour, like a slackened, and sparkling fancies


For those who do not know the terminology, here is the metric pattern of the poem: / - - / - - / - - / - - (stressed, unstressed, unstressed, etc.)

[Merlin]

Hi Larry,
When I consider that you used required snippets, you've accomplished an extraordinary task. Ms Lowell rates high in my estimation; I like her work.

Altho you've indicated a dactylic sonnet, it does not confirm to that scansion completely. That's a bonus for me because there is good rhythm and good flow, both very important matters. Pure dactyl would ruin everything, in my estimation. A few lines simply won't dance the dactyl, like “her light adds diamonds...” “Light” is too strong while “her” is soft, therefore “her light adds di-monds…" (I left out the A for clarity). You could begin with a spondee, like “Sun's light adds a sparkle to blooms...” Another, “she rides the night...”

L2 – incorrect use of semi-colon; should be a comma. The end-comma is debatable, to use or not to use.

It's an exemplary job and deserves an “A”. Should you care to, you know it well that once the snippet's requirements are satisfied, you can make adjustments to polish to a glossy sheen.

There tis.

Merlin

[Merlin]

Me again.
I felt I should come back to explain my last remark. It reflects my own methodology or style, that I tweak little bits long after a piece is "finished". I read that Yeats did the same, tweaking even as his work was in the process of going to press. A different word may pop into mind that is a higher and better description, so in it goes.

You have phrases that caught my eye - great. I did not mean it needs an overhaul.

Now then, There tis!

Merlin

[Larry]

Hi Merlin,

Thanks for the look-see and the suggestions. I have made a few changes in stress points and end stops which I hope will smooth thing out a bit.

Larry

[Merlin]

This is not well done, it's superbly done.
The rhythm, the flow, excellent. What bits of tweaking were done have dun it!

Truly, I like it. There tis.

Merlin

[Larry]

Merlin,

Thank you so very much. Your opinion matters a lot to me. Especially with rarely used metrical forms and in this particular case, unique.

Most of the snippet challenges were relatively easy to mold into one form or another but with Ms. Lowell's snippets, there were a lot of trochees and anapests making it difficult to find a place to start.

I appreciate your input and more than anything else, your approval of my effort.

Again, Thanks

Larry

[Psyche]

Hi Larry,

This is a stunning use of Amy Lowell snippetts in a sonnet. I've checked the snippets and find them quite difficult to insert in any style of poetry. You always amaze me!

As Merlin has already said, you've accomplished an extraordinary task.

Not only that...every line of this sonnet is packed with beautiful images. Makes me feel like going out and doing some star gazing. We had a sensational full moon a few days ago, as well. Not to mention blue, sunny skies.

I like your choice of title, Celestial Sister. It's also a very peaceful sounding sonnet.

Thanks for bringing these over from the challenges, Larry!

Syl

[Larry]

Hi Syl,

Thank goodness I have more people visiting my posts than you. If I didn't and you were the only one, there is not a hat in the world large enough that would fit on my swelled head.

Thank you,

Larry

[Psyche]

HA. All right, Larry, to save you from buying a new hat, I've read your sonnet again, and will make some tiny suggestions, considering the *.

S1, L1: You've got 'the' three times. Any possibility to eliminate one?

S1, L1: I noticed it first time around, but didn't think it important. Is it necessary to say 'fires of the stars'? I like 'fire of the stars' better. Just me. Or another word, perhaps. I've heard of 'sun flares', but I think stars are like cauldrons with fire inside them. ToT!!

S3, L3: You repeat 'blooms', rather near to S2, where you say 'bloom' in L2. If you wish, you can change the word in S3, as it's in the middle of the line and doesn't have to rhyme. I can only think of 'buds' right now, but that probably interferes with the meter.

Do you remember the movie "Brother Sun, Sister Moon"? Your lovely sonnet brings it to mind. Was it about St. Francis?

Bye for now,
Syl

Hi Syl,

Thank goodness I have more people visiting my posts than you. If I didn't and you were the only one, there is not a hat in the world large enough that would fit on my swelled head.

Thank you,

Larry

[Larry]

Hi Syl,

Thank you for coming back and your input and suggestions. I took one “the” out of S1/L1. Had to make sure it wouldn’t mess with the metrical scheme. As far as “fires of the stars”, I believe the change I made takes care of that problem but with plural stars, there must be plural fires IMHO. I used your suggestion of replacing blooms with buds; it doesn’t mess with the meter at all.

I didn’t see the movie “Brother Sun, Sister Moon”; don’t go to movies very much anymore due to the expense involved. I’ll just wait for it to come out on TV and watch it for free then.

The sonnet was about how people view the different aspects of the moon and how it affects their moods, dreams and fears.

Thank you once more for your critique and your sharp eyes in spotting redundancies. Hope it reads better now.

Larry


p.s. Check out Pandora's February Challenge

[Psyche]

Hi Larry,

I'm relieved my suggestions were useful, because I was afraid of messing up your meter.

Looks lovely! There are some words that I consider intrinsically plural, in this case 'fire'.
And maybe water, earth and other elements, depending on the context. But never mind, either way works.

Yes, indeed, the moon affects people's moods and emotions. You've expressed that beautifully in your sonnet. I didn't realize it straight off, but on my third reading...LOL.

She also affects tides, harvests, etc. My mother always planted seedlings when the moon was waxing. If you want your hair to grow slowly, you have a hair-cut when it's waning!.

The movie is very old, so you'll be lucky to find it on some channel that shows oldies. Or a DVD. I love purchasing DVD documentaries about interesting people and/or events, old movies.
I'll check out Pandora's challenge.
Bye, Syl

[Maureen]

Oh my - I like all 3 versions - IMO all well crafted and a delight to read