Dryad's Eyes, Sonnet Options

[Larry]

Dryad’s Eyes

She’s there! Among the Pine and stately Oak,
lithe movement through the brush had caught my eye
which might have been the flutter of her cloak
or shadow from a cloud in azure sky

steered by a zephyr’s breath. I may have erred
but verdant green, escaping darkened cowl,
enlaced long russet braids. Its speed had blurred
my vision and perhaps it was an owl

that swooped upon its prey. I still believed
that Dryads lived within this virgin wood
but earthen garb impedes what I’ve perceived.
As eyesight fades with age I wish I could

once more see elfin face of umber hue
and gaze into her eyes, cornflower blue.


L7 did read: It’s speed had blurred... thx Syl.
L13 did read: see elfin face once more of umber hue

[Psyche]

Oh my goodness, Larry...what a delicate, splendid sonnet! The first stanza introduces this reader to magic and/or mythical spheres.

She’s there! Among the Pine and stately Oak,
lithe movement through the brush had caught my eye
which might have been the flutter of her cloak
or shadow from a cloud in azure sky

steered by a zephyr’s breath. I may have erred...

I appreciate the way you've capitalized Pine and Oak, making them an important part of this imaginary tale. Everything's alive and has status...

As eyesight fades with age I wish I could

see elfin face once more of umber hue
and gaze into her eyes, cornflower blue.

Stunning. Sadly so, but that's the way of life. The author expresses a process that does not impede him to deftly reach out with gentle nostalgia to the world at large.

Psyche

[Larry]

Hi Syl,

As always, thank you for your kind words and obvious appreciation for my sonnets.

I don't necessarily think the "magic and/or mythical spheres" are very far from the truth. Where were all these wonderful and sometimes frightening creatures brought into being? Who could have conceived these unless they were, at one time, existent and were seen and had interaction with humankind?

Like Santa Clause, I believe!

Thanks again,

Larry

[Psyche]

Larry, I absolutely agree with you about the reality of mythical and maybe even magical beings or objects (not so sure about magical...LOL..).

I have an animistic view of the world, like primitive people. I believe that is the origin of myths and mythical beings, even gods, in more advanced civilizations. Western and Eastern.

Unfortunately, what began as myth turned into various dogmas, mostly religious. That's why nowadays I only read the four gospels in the Christian Bible, as they are the closest we can come to what Jesus actually said. And Genesis, of which there are two versions...but that's fine with me.

I also read the scriptures of other religions. But this is no place to start a religious discussion, so I'll stop here.

Concerning animism, according to which spirits inhabited just about all things, it comes close to the actual fact that we ourselves are made up of atoms from faraway stars, "cauldrons" of life that arrived on earth. Even comets may have sprinkled earth with mysterious sorts of life.

And it's proven that life exists deep under ice-caps and glaciers!

A living organism, or Gaia, as James Lovelock has expressed in various books.

How badly humankind is treating her...

I hope you keep offering us sonnets and other delightful forms you understand so well.

Syl***

[Luce]

I love the magical quality of it. Like Syl., I like how you set the scene quickly but gently. I'm going to go through the sonnet, more for educational reasons (mine) then anything else.

Okay. This is a Shakespearean sonnet done mainly in iambic pentameter? You're following the expected rhyme scheme for this type of sonnet. I'm sorry I can't do a meter scansion on it. I can only look at the story and rhyme scheme.

Dryad’s Eyes

She’s there! Among the Pine and stately Oak,
lithe movement through the brush had caught my eye
which might have been the flutter of her cloak
or shadow from a cloud in azure sky

S1L1- Not quite sure why you're capitalizing "Pine" and "Oak".

S1L3 - Maybe say "It" as oppose to "which". This means a period at the end of "eye" in L2 and capitalizing the "I" in "It". It breaks up the sentence (L1-L5) which seems very long. I like the image of a fluttering cloak but not the "shadow from a cloud". One uses sight and sound you may hear and see on ground level. The other just uses sight caused from above (the sky). I think putting another image that would have the same sight/hearing properties may be best. It enhances the "Did I really see that or imagining it?" feeling.

steered by a zephyr’s breath. I may have erred
but verdant green, escaping darkened cowl,
enlaced long russet braids. It’s speed had blurred
my vision and perhaps it was an owl

S2L5-L8 - This may be a dialect thing but I pronounce "erred" differently. The way I hear it, erred can rhyme with hair and not blurred. The Merriman-Webster online dictionary is pronouncing it the same way. This means that erred/blurred really doesn't go well even with the "rr" sound in both words.
OKay, scratch the comment about "erred". I did a little more research and it seems that there are two acceptable ways to pronounce "err/erred". One pronunciation can easily rhyme with "hair". The other can easily rhyme with "her". With the second pronunciation in mind, erred/blurred is not an issue anymore.)

I'm also having problems with the owl thing. You go from describing someone that has a human shape (cowl, braids, cloak) and then suddenly saying oh "and perhaps it was an owl". I suspect you may have gotten trapped in your end rhymes here. If elfs can transform, then I can see an owl but I guess I have to see that possibility put in the poem first.

that swooped upon its prey. I still believed
that Dryads lived within this virgin wood
but earthen garb impedes what I’ve perceived.
As eyesight fades with age I wish I could

S3L1-12 - I like "earthern garb". To me it means the N wants to see the elfin fully rather then glimpse her. However, his human preconceptions prevents/protects him from accepting something truly magical.

see elfin face once more of umber hue
and gaze into her eyes, cornflower blue.

Luce

[Eisa]

Very mystical, Larry. it's so good to read something that takes me away from reality.

I really can't think of anything new to say and there is little to nit here

Dryad’s Eyes

She’s there! Among the Pine and stately Oak,
lithe movement through the brush had caught my eye
which might have been the flutter of her cloak
or shadow from a cloud in azure sky

I think pine & oak needn't be capitalised.
Flutter of her cloak is lovely

steered by a zephyr’s breath. I may have erred
but verdant green, escaping darkened cowl,
enlaced long russet braids. It’s speed had blurred
my vision and perhaps it was an owl

I was going to comment against Luce's opinion on erred but see he has amended this now
that swooped upon its prey. I still believed
that Dryads lived within this virgin wood
but earthen garb impedes what I’ve perceived.
As eyesight fades with age I wish I could

see elfin face once more of umber hue
and gaze into her eyes, cornflower blue.

Last but one line doesn't sound quite right (to me) Perhaps 'with umber hue'

I really enjoyed this, Larry - took me back to childhood somehow!

Eira

[Larry]

Hi Luce and Snow,

First of all, the Pine and the Oak are also entities, have life, feelings and are able to converse with other "things" in Nature whereas poor deaf man no longer has that ability therefore they are proper names and should be capitalized. If you are talking about oak trees and pine trees, no; but if you're are talking about the Oak or the Pine... yes!

Luce, you are correct that this is a Shakespearian Sonnet in strict iambic pentameter. I try to not mix my metrics or forms whenever possible unless I do it on purpose.

Now for the question about S1/L3 - I could not possibly use "It" instead of "which".
Let me de-clutter and I'll show you why - lithe movement through the brush... which might have been the flutter of her cloak or shadow from a cloud in azure sky steered by a zephyr’s breath.
"It" is singular in nature and I am dealing with a number of possibilities "which" it might have been.

Glad you relented on "erred". To err is human, to forgive is divine.

As far as the "Owl thing"; I was not describing a human form but a movement in the woods, the speed of which blurred my vision so as to make me unsure if I saw long russet braids or the wingtips of an owl when it dives on its prey.

I may have erred but verdant green, escaping darkened cowl, enlaced long russet braids. It’s speed had blurred my vision and perhaps it was an owl that swooped upon its prey.

I live in the woods out in the country where we have lots of wildlife. Sometimes you see movement in front of you or from the corner of your eye and are unsure of what you saw so I threw in that possibility because it has happened to me before when I thought I saw a deer running swiftly in the woods but it turned out to be a Great Horned Owl flying low to catch a rabbit. That last was a very long sentence too, wasn't it?

Snow, don't think I can use "with" when describing someone's skin tone. Makes it sound like a bad birthmark or something. "her face... of umber hue" is the best I can do. (lol)

Anyway, I appreciate you all coming and reading and your comments. Thanks much!

Larry

[Luce]

Larry,

No need to explain as to why you disagree with our suggestions. It's your call as to what you want to use.

Luce

[Eisa]

Hi Larry,
Yes I see with umber hue doesn't sound right either. I think It's more the order of words, perhaps

As eyesight fades with age I wish I could

once more see elfin face of umber hue
and gaze into her eyes, cornflower blue

TOT
Snow

[Larry]

Hi Snow,

Good catch on the grammatical error. It has been changed and thanks a lot.

Hope it reads better now.

Larry

[Psyche]

Me again, Larry!

I told you I would come back to enjoy this lovely sonnet again.

It turns out that I believe I've spotted a mild error:

It’s speed had blurred my vision and perhaps it was an owl that swooped upon its prey.

I always have to remind myself that the possessive of 'it' is 'its'...That's English for you!

Interesting to read the comments, as well.

BTW, I was raised on a farm and your poem reminded me that one can certainly see moving "shadows from clouds" on the ground. No need to look up at the sky! On occasion, the shadows speed up, maybe daylight darkens a little... and then one turns around to see whether a storm is approaching.

And yes, my childhood memories have awoken; many glades, streams, marshes, the big river, the steppes on the far side, willow trees and wild birds or flowers were all food for my imagination. That sort of magical quality was certainly real to me then. I think I even hummed and whispered as I wandered around our lovely farm. Wish I could go back!

Wonderful sonnet, so glad you shared it with us.
Syl***

[Larry]

Hi Syl,

You are correct and that will be corrected as quickly as possible. Without the contraction, it would read "it is speed". Thanks for the good eyes. It is weird but I had it spelled correctly in L9.

As far as living in the country, you've mentioned a lot of the reasons I left the big city of Dallas. Too many people and not enough nature.

Larry