Big Hammer and the Malignants*** Options

[RC James]

The neighborhood gave us what we wanted,
a reason to leave as soon as we got
enough money to buy dream cars and shoot
out highway five, break on loose from our lot.

Mental heads up was Johnny, very Smart,
unhinged all the way was my man Vincent,
more than us all was Janey, cool Janey,
me, I was the mechanic, fixed the dents.

We all said goodbye, lit up City Hall
The blaze gave us cover to the North Star;
money for the shorts had not been at hand,
We rode crazy laughter straight to Jake’s Bar.

Scrambled out of the woods, we piled into
Fat Jenny’s van, she didn’t care about
what we’d done, why, or where we were going,
hot trouble, sure, she harbored not a doubt.

We hooked up with a travelin’ carny,
got jobs, we fibbed about experience.
Ain’t been back to our town ‘cept for Vincent,
who checked his weed crop and put up a fence.

[Luce]

Great narrative poem Richard about a group of lost youth. I like how you maintained the voice so much that I felt I was listening to the narrator say his story in a sleazy bar.

I see you kept to a strict 10 syllable count except for L4. I'm counting 9 syllables for that line. Don't know if you're trying to maintain meter or not in this case. I don't think so. My apologizes if you were and I didn't pick up on it.

I don't see any stars next to the poem but I just can't say a few lines and leave it at that. I do have a few questions/comments/suggestions. And mind you, I consider this a light crit:

The neighborhood gave us what we wanted,
a reason to leave as soon as we got
enough money to buy dream cars and shoot
the highway, break on loose from our lot.

You say they bought cars but later in the story they all climbed into "Jenny's van". Would they really leave the cars behind if they bought them? In keeping with the behavior, maybe saying "enough liquor, steal some dream cars and shoot".

L4 is the one with a 9 syllable count. Maybe just saying "..."dirt" highway...." is enough. However, it would be interesting to name a fictitious or real rural highway.

Mental heads up was Johnny, very Smart,
unhinged all the way was my man Vincent,
more than us all was Janey, cool Janey,
me, I was the mechanic, fixed the dents.

We all said goodbye, lit up City Hall
The blaze gave us cover to the North Star;
money for the shorts had not been at hand,
We rode crazy laughter straight to Jake’s Bar.

Not crazy about this stanza. The action seems confused. It sounds as if you all said goodbye to each other even though I know you meant the town. It also sounds as if "crazy laugher" was a person rather then an action. Maybe saying Jake's Joint would be better for the reason stated below.

Scrambled out of the woods, we piled into
Fat Jenny’s van, she didn’t care about
what we’d done, why, or where we were going,
hot trouble, sure, she harbored not a doubt.

They were all in the bar so maybe "stumbling out of the bar" would be better. Since you're saying Jake's Joint you're not saying "bar" twice.

We hooked up with a travelin’ carny,
got jobs, we fibbed about experience.
Ain’t been back to our town ‘cept for Vincent,
he checked his weed crop and put up a fence.

I love the closing stanza. Would capitalize "he" in the last line or just say "who" instead of "he".

[Eisa]

Hi Richard,

Another great narrative poem from you. I know I'm going to have an adventure when I click onto your poems.

Like Luce, I'm not sure what degree of critique you would like. Don't forget to put one, two or three stars after your title so we know. If you don't want critique you could put any poems into the Exhibition Forum.

The neighborhood gave us what we wanted,
a reason to leave as soon as we got
enough money to buy dream cars and shoot
the highway, break on loose from our lot.

Yes, L4 only has 9 syllables. I agree with Luce that naming the highway might solve the problem & add some interest.

We hooked up with a travelin’ carny,
got jobs, we fibbed about experience.
Ain’t been back to our town ‘cept for Vincent,
he checked his weed crop and put up a fence.


Love the ending - very unexpected and a bit humorous

Another great read!
Eira

[RC James]

Luce and Eisa - Line 4 now has 10 syllables, I guess it's really obvious when every other line is a syllable longer. I'm actually starting to have some fun with this meter and rhyme game. Thanks for your help, R

[Eisa]

It can become addictive!

Eira

[Luce]

It can become addictive!

Eira

Oh yeah!!!! Dangerously so!!!! The other day I was making my coffee but thinking about how to fix my Rondeau. I click the switch to get the coffee maker going and then went upstairs to put in the new wording to my poem before I forgot.

Well, when I went back downstairs, I had a mini coffee flood on the counter. I had forgotten to put the coffee pot in the coffee maker.


Luce

[RC James]

I ended up with charcoal spaghetti while I was revising a sonnet. The work becomes a separate world with time suspended.

[Psyche]

Love this one, Richard. It's as if I was listening to it and smiling all the way.

I've come here rather late. I see you've fixed L4 very neatly. No other nits from me.

I've definitely stopped combining cooking and writing...LOL...I used to have a timer by my PC, but I'd just listen to it and say to myself that I'd finish a line or two, then tend to my kitchen tasks. Wow...you've no idea how many caceroles I've totally ruined, I mean the contents as well as the container. And the smoke!!

Do bring on some more of these, Richard.

Syl

[Maureen]

I agree with Sylvia - I think the finished product is great. Nothing I can add will make it any better.
My kitchen disaster thanks to poetry was my new rescued dog 5 year old Khamah-D Blue climbed up on the table and stole 4 treats I had put there to give to some visitors to give him to show they were friends. The little toad was quite pleased with himself Just as well I love him

[RC James]

Thanks y'all - That's what my favorite Texas singer/songwriter used to say automatically after every song, whether anybody was applauding or not, (of course everybody was) He wrote Pancho and Lefty, one of the all time great cowboy songs, up there, for me, in the same strata as the movie High Noon. Anyway, I was really looking forward to those french fries, but was working on my first Ballade and was a little preoccupied, so I put them on the same burner at the highest heat as the pot of water I had been boiling, that pan now dry and scorching. About two hours later, I happened to walk by the stove and noticed the scorched remains looking like very thin charcoal string beans, like the frizzled wiring of a methane fueled dragster that had exploded halfway down the quarter mile. I grabbed two vanilla milk cookies and headed back to that troublesome third stanza of the ballade. RC

[mt2polar]

R.C.

I'm trying to get back into the swing of things here. This will be my first then.

I think you nailed the feel of this. It stands on its own without the story. The story moves along with it.

There is a built-in accent and sway with the voice.

"got jobs, we fibbed about experience." This line gave me a bit of trouble. I'm not sure if the b's get in the way or if "we fibbed about experience" sounds to stiff for the poem?

This is a tiny point for me. The rest is outstanding.


mt