QUOTE (ohsteve @ Aug 16 10, 17:51 )
Jim, interesting iteration, If you offer this in a competition to Mr. Lennon then you are much better than I, I thought it quite well just some of the flow seemed stilted but maybe thats because I know so much more behind the stories. And find that poetry about the man and the group seems to leave so much to be unsaid. I remember in 64 when they first came to the states, I was not going to like this new band as the displace my favorite at the time "Pretty Woman" but I came like others to find that I could like them and still like my other artists too. I tell ya when I get there, I can't wait to get front row seats for the first two months I am there, just to hear all those silenced voices rock me.
Take care
Steve
Hi,Steve,
as far as content goes, I will be posting a version of this in Herme's later and would appreciate it if you could take a look at it there and identify the parts where it seems stilted. My main reason for posting here was to show the form. I have experimented with line length before and I have experimented with rhyme scheme before but this is my first conscious attempt to combine the two. The intention was to mimic lyric format - while reading Larry's
Last Lyrics, though I thought that was excellent, I felt that a lyric would be more appropriate to commemorate Lennon. Being musically illiterate, I tried to fuse the two, poetry and lyric, as best I could in this. I thought it offered a bridge that more people could use - the test is in how many, if any, others do so.
Jim
Hi, Merle,
QUOTE
I liked this as a historical account of Lennon's rise and eventual demise. I can appreciate the technical aspect of the poem, however, it didn't evoke much of a emotional response from me. Of course, we didn't know the man personally so that might be quite difficult to pull off.
4th S, L6 'a better man than you then, Gunga Din.' is a tongue-twister! Perhaps leave out 'then' or 'then a better man than you, Gunga Din."?
As I said to Steve, I will post this later for critique and, with your permission, will copy and paste your thoughts there.
Jim